A Litlte Progress

A week later and the depression, anxiety attacks and sleeplessness still linger. Jake took me to our family MD (who is very informed of my history and my desire to stay as natural as possible). The natural practitioner and the MD agreed it would be wise to put me back on a RX for depression and anxiety. I'm still waiting for it to kick in. I did sleep the entire night last night plus until 5pm today. He (the MD) also refilled my hyrocodone for pain. Jake has it hidden from me so I don't over do it. It's good stuff.

I'm pausing for a few days on some of the natural meds until I can get my emotional state in order. Three cancers has just kicked my ass. I'm not the strong, get up and go gal of the past. I'm tired and sad. There's no play book for this so I'm muddling through the best I can. I'm trying to ignite that fire in my belly to fight and get through this.

Keep up the positive thoughts they really help.

Therapy Session

A bomb was dropped on Jake and I last Friday when we went to the doctor for a simple check-up....the tissue removed when I had surgery indeed had cancer in it.......enough they are recommending I consider more chemo and radiation. They got clear margins, but just can't be sure I'm safe from it coming back. And why the hell they didn't mention this before now I have no idea.

My immediate response, "No, I won't do it". And I looked the doctor right in the eyes and said just that. The risks and side effects from radiation to the same area twice can be awful and long-term. A risk I don't think I'm willing to take. If it didn't work the first time who's to say it will work this time? Fortunately, he fully understood my point and understood if I chose not to do it.

Ironically, I had been to see a nutritionist/holistic practitioner the day before. Jake and I talked a lot about taking a "natural" approach instead of the toxic radiation and chemo. Thanks to my mom and his mom's love, knowledge and belief in the mind/body/spirit approach to healing, this was not a far fetch idea for us to consider. We talked to both of them as soon as we got home and they were very supportive.

I spoke to Jennifer P. and Stephanie yesterday, both have had radiation to the face/neck and chemo and both agreed they too would not do radiation again. It was like a breath of fresh air to talk to two people who knew exactly what I would be facing and to support my idea of a different way to health. Now, I just have to be 100% sure it's the right choice for me.

I'm tired, not just physically tired, but emotionally tired from this repeated "cancer theme" I've had in my life these last 6 years. I'm exhausted. I feel beaten and bloody yet determined to fight my way out of this.

Jake said he was going to blog about all of this and I said no. I didn't want anyone to know what was happening. I'm sick of blogging about being sick and putting all my dirty laundry out there for everyone to see. However, this morning, I decided it might be therapeutic.....so I'm here. Thanks for the therapy session.

Wednesday Catch Up

The recovery is coming along, a bit slower than I'd like. Unfortunately, since I had radiation 3 years ago the healing is slower than if I hadn't had radiation. I still have quite a bit of swelling that is bothering me. I'll be glad when I can see my jaw line again! I've been taking care of the house and kids without extra help this week and that feels good. I usually crash right after dinner and let Jake man the fort from there. Chewing is still a challenge and the blender has become my good friend. I look forward to biting into a nice hamburger soon!

Nathan update: Nathan lost tooth #3 while I was in the hospital. When Jake told me, I cried. I hated that I was missing it and the visit from the tooth fairy. He lost tooth #4 soon after I got home and it was nice to celebrate with him. The tooth fell out as he jump into the pool and Jake had to dive for it. Thank goodness we have a black bottom pool so it was easy to find.

He had his first ever sleepover last Friday night for a birthday party. We were shocked when we woke up Saturday morning and hadn't gotten a call in the night to pick him up. When we did go get him he didn't want to leave. Now he tells us he wants to have a sleepover birthday party too.

Reese update: Reese is off to summer camp each morning this week. He is having a blast and looks forward to it each day. I think he was having some cabin fever because he's been so much more pleasant since starting camp. We are still struggling a bit with getting him to wear a shirt at home and when he does he insists it be tucked in. I'm picking my battles and have let him tuck it in although I really don't like the way it looks....he even has to tuck in his pajama top! I look forward to when this picky wardrobe phase ends.

Both boys are suddenly into Star Wars. Jake rented 1 and 2 and they watched them both over our rainy weekend. We pulled out some of Jake's old toys and there were quite a few Star Wars toys that they have been enjoying. The great thing is that they have spent hour upon hour playing "Star Wars" together. It is so cute to watch them.

Tim Russert and Pending Poop

I go in for some surgery and wake up to find one of my all time favorite reportsers passed away, Tim Russert. I thought I was devistated when David Bloom died a few years ago. So sad.

I'm sure Jake will post the poop story later today. Even though he wasn't here, I think my text to him eplained it all. I hope he leaves me with some dignity and leaves you with a laugh.

Hi YA'LL

It's me, the real Hope back at blogging and connected to the world. Jake just sat down and read me all his post and comments. From what I can remember he was right. I'm in dire need of a shower, hopefully that will come in a day or so, better head movement, some teeth brushing and some food! I did sneak off and shave my legs this morning. It wasn't really the potty break I needed. I need a major hair removal job and I was determined to get it done! A moment of vanity.

The doctor just came in and I'm talking! He asked me to cover my trachea and it worked! He switched it out again and now it's just cap and that will likely come out before I leave. I can manage a feeding tube in my nose, but the trachea thing is freaky!

I have some weird dreams I'll have to share, but have to save up some energy! Kisses and love to everyone including my two sweet boys.

Signing Off For A Bit

Tomorrow's the big day. I'm nervous, but looking forward to getting it over with. We have to be at the hospital at 5:15am, off to the OR by 7:15, surgery should start by 8:30 and I should be done by 5pm. From there, I sleep and sleep and sleep.

I spoke to Stephanie again last night. She's right in the middle of radiation and chemo and feeling like crap. She said the surgery was very easy compared to how she feels now. That's exactly what I thought last time so I'm hoping I agree with her this go round. She said they had her on so many meds that when she did wake up (they kept her in a coma for a week) she felt great. Her speech is perfect and she gives me hope.

Jake may keep my blog up while I'm out so be looking for him. He's a much better writer than I am so I hope you're not too sad when I'm back on-line. I'm sure he'll be entertaining!

Off to eat lots of fattening foods before my medically induced fast.

Trip to NYC

We are back from an amazing vacation in NYC. I'd love to give you a nice long blog with details about what we did, but I'll have to reduce it to some photo's.......I have to unpack, do laundry, repack and get ready to leave again tomorrow for my surgery...Argh.

We made it!

A few hours after we arrived we were walking to Madison Square Garden's when we saw some commotion at the New York Time's Building. Turns out some crazy guy was climbing the building! We watched the entire thing...he finally reached the top and was arrested.

Having some fun in Central Park.

FAO Schwartz

Statue of Liberty

Subway ride and Yankee's Game

Caricature in Rockefeller Center

Cab ride

Horse ride around Central Park. No, we aren't getting a ticket..just SPCA checking to make sure the horses are healthy.

Outside our hotel in Time's Square

And finally, a big breakfast before heading home

Today and Tomorrow

Today, Jake and I were back over in Tampa for some more pre-op work. After my appointment we decided to walk over to Dr. A's office (about a block away from where we were) and see if we could meet with a nurse or P.A. to answer some additional questions we had. As we approached the back door of the building and entered, guess who was coming right at us? Dr. A. I have to say this must have been Devinne intervention because this is a HUGE medical complex with thousands of employees. What are the odds? We stopped to talk with him and he said he would be happy to speak with us and to meet him down in his office. Five minutes later we were in a conference room and he spent at least 20 minutes going over things with us. At my original appointment he had mentioned a 20 year old girl who had recently had the same surgery I'm about to have and had recovered beautifully. I asked if he would pass on my number to her because I thought it would be helpful to speak to someone who had gone through the surgery. By the time we arrived back home, Dr. A and Stephanie (the 20 year old) had both left messages.

I called Stephanie back and we had a nice conversation. She speaks beautifully. She has just started the same chemo and radiation I did three years ago so I answered her questions about that and she answered mine about he surgery. It's all still scary, but I feel so much better now.

******

Tomorrow my little Kindergartner turns into a 1st grader!

*****

After celebrating Kindergarten graduation I'll be glued to the TV, watching the final Democratic Primary results. GO OBAMA!

It's Clean Up Time

We celebrated our Memorial Day over the weekend, so while Jake headed into the office on Monday the kids and I tackled cleaning the playroom. My plan: good old fashion bribery. I had the kids take all the toys off the shelves and out of the toy box and put them all in the middle of the room. Then I told them we were going to go through every last toy, toss the broken ones, make a donation pile and put the ones to keep back on the shelves. The bribe....all the toys set aside for donation I would buy from them. Two hours later the playroom was spotless and they had a good chunk of change in their pockets for a trip to the toy store...which they insisted we go right away....so we did. Who knew getting kids to part with toys and clean up was so easy!

Reese is done with school so we celebrated with a breakfast date while Daddy went to work and Nate went to school. Yum!

Weekend Pics

Yesterday Nathan was trying to get Reese to swim with him, Reese said no. Nathan turns to me and says, " I wish Reese would swim with me, it's one of the only times I like him." Ha Ha.....brotherly love.

We have such great wild life in our neighborhood. Just this weekend we had two snakes, bunnies and a turtle in our yard. The shot of the deer is from our backyard looking into our next door neighbors backyard. So cool!

Update and on to other things

Preliminary results of the PET and CT scans look clear! Now I wait until Wednesday to find out what the plan of action is. Nervous, but enjoying the glimmer of hope Friday brought. Thank you Dr. C for giving me my results right away! Waiting is agony. Keep thinking good thoughts for me!



Good things happening that are keeping me UP.....

1. Reese didn't pick his nose at school Friday.
2. We had the house pressure cleaned and it looks so sparkly white and clean!
3. Nathan finished up soccer and t-ball this weekend. He's awesome at both and it was such a joy to watch him play. He is very proud of his cool trophies.
4. We spent the better part of the day Saturday in the pool, doing yard work and an impromptu splash in our neighbors pool. It felt soooooooo good to hang out without anxiety tugging at me.
5. There has been a baby deer sighting in the neighborhood (we have lots of wooded areas). We went looking for it last night....we just saw 4 adults, but can't wait to see it.
6. Yesterday when we were getting our suits on to swim, Reese was holding my bathing suit top and when I told him I needed it, he looked at me, pointed to my (rock star, $42,000, reconstructed...there are some perks to illness) breasts and said, "To cover those up?"

Ahhhh......I found a little bit of normal

A Tough Week

Just over a week ago I had surgery to remove more cancer from my tongue. I went from pissed off, sad, to that question I know makes no sense to ask... Why? Because frankly if I knew why cancer kept creeping into my body I assure you I would stop doing it. Cold turkey.

Never before have I relied on medication to get me through a rough patch, but I called in the troops this time, Xanax and Zoloft are my best friends. It's 1:30pm and I haven't cried yet today.

Poor Jake. How in the world does he put up with me? The man is a saint.

I don't want to be all dramatic because there is a good chance surgery took care of my problem. I'll know in a couple of weeks. Until then, I'm thinking happy thoughts and I hope you'll think some for me too.

And if you are looking for a creative weight loss plan....tongue surgery should do it.

Jake Married Another Woman!

Erin and Mark asked Jake to perform their wedding ceremony. He did a great job. Amazing what you can do as a FL notary!

Spring Break Wrap Up

Spring Break comes to a close today. We've had such a great week. The kids picked out new fish for the fish tank (I killed the others when I cleaned the tank last) and the store gave us 7 baby Molly's since Reese had picked out the mommy. As expected 6 of them died, but "Elf" the little runt is still with us.

We met up with Cheryl and Olivia for some fun at the fountain. Cheryl and I sat under a beach umbrella for some R & R and watched the kids play.

Both Gran and Nana scooped up the boys one at a time for some Grandma spoiling. I told the boys who ever was at home with us could plan dinner. No rules. Reese chose Honeynut Cheerios and chocolate chip cookies. Nathan's dinner was Tortellini and ice cream sandwiches.

We planted a vegetable garden. Cucumbers, watermelon, cantaloupe, tomatoes and squash.

Jake played hooky from work and we spent the day at Animal Kingdom, a first for us. The kids were angels. Reese walked for miles, never asking to be held because he was tired. We passed gift shop after gift shop and neither of them asked us to buy anything. There wasn't one fight between them, complaint about the heat or end of the day grumpies. It was a day to remember.

Jake's cousin Jessica and her hubby Joe from Maine were here for the weekend and we had a great visit. Reese begged them to stay...precious.

Night Travel

We'll be on our way home in about an hour. Just before leaving Kurt's we checked to see if our flight was on time and no such luck, an hour and a half delay. The good news is we have some extra time to hang out with the TN Clan and I'm fitting a little blogging in too. We have had a great time and while this was a way over due visit it was perfect timing all the way around. We won't be getting home until around 1:30 in the morning, which could be interesting with the kids. Jake has work tomorrow and Nate has school....it will be a rough morning.

I will post pictures tomorrow.

UPDATE:

We arrived home shortly after 2am. The kids were great though. Here are some pictures.

What Works For You?

I'm trying to eat the right things, in the right quantity and I think I'm doing okay, but I need your wisdom and tips to help me do better. Here are a few of our tricks. What are yours?

1. Eat off of a small plate (Thanks to Grandma for teaching me that one).
2. Substitute unsweetened applesauce for oil in baking (it doesn't work with brownies though).
3. Use egg whites instead of egg.
4. Don't eat after 7pm (that's a hard one).
5. Don't drink your calories. Jake only allows himself 1 soda a day. I don't like soda of any kind (I'm strange) so limiting soda is an easy one for me. We mostly drink water and milk. Hot chocolate is my weakness though.
6. We grill everything and fry nothing.

My ticker has stalled out much sooner than I thought it would so I guess it's time to step it up.

First T-ball Experience

Nathan was so excited about his t-ball uniform he wanted to sleep in it and wear it to school!

Opening Day for baseball was yesterday. It was complete madness for us newbies. Nathan played his first game...no score, no outs, and each player got a chance to bat before switching to out field.
Nathan and a friend in his class who was playing on the other team.
Last at bat = home run! Notice another player on his team at the edge of the frame coming in after him....Nathan lapped the little dude with his long legged run.Reese trying to hang with the big kids on the playground.

*****
The kids had a sleep over with Nana last night and Jake and I hooked up with his work partners to go see Jerry Seinfeld. It probably goes without saying, but it was a GREAT show. Now, when I should be sleeping in because I don't have my usually 6 and 3 year old wake up call, I'm up. My eyes popped open at 6:45am and I couldn't fall back asleep. Argh! However, Jake is sleeping like a baby.

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Anyone else getting strange comments on your blog from users you don't know that say "Look here" (and the word here is a link)? I've gotten three of them and have just been deleting them because I don't know if they are virus related.

Thursday

We came home from our weekend in SC to beautiful full blooms on a tree in our front yard. I have no idea what kind of tree it is, but once a year it is beathtaking.

***

Since our return home Jake and I have both confessed to thinking about Myra's foster girls more that we thought we would. They are such sweet girls and we had such a good time with them. They have lived with my aunt since November, away from an absent, drug addicted mother. "Mom" is making an attempt at getting them back and I hope if she succeeds that she does good by them and stays clean and takes good care of them. If she can't keep it together I hope the girls can bypass the emotional rollercoast of returning to an unconscious mother and just stay with my aunt who clearly loves them and can give them a good life. Plus, selfishly, I want to see them again.

***

Nathan and Reese's recent colds have caught hold of me. I'm giving into it today, but tomorrow I hope it finds another body to inhabit, preferrably someone not in this household.

***

I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. Nana gave it to Jake and I a year or so ago and when Nancy told me Oprah was doing an on-line class starting March 3rd I thought it was a good time to open it up. I'm on chapter 7 and maybe with today's hybernation I'll finish it. It is the most thought provoking book I've ever read and I'm looking forward to the on-line class to help me sort it all out.

***

Whenever the kids argue with each other they are usually quick to come to me to report the others wrong doing. My standard intial responce is, "Tell Nate/Reese about it (AKA try and work it out first before coming to me to referee)." So recently when Reese hit Nathan, the first thing Nathan does is say, "Mom, Reese hit me." My reply, "Tell Reese about it." Nathan, frusturated, says, "He already knows he hit me." Cracked me up. He's got a point there. Maybe I need to rephrase my response a bit.