A Tough Week

Just over a week ago I had surgery to remove more cancer from my tongue. I went from pissed off, sad, to that question I know makes no sense to ask... Why? Because frankly if I knew why cancer kept creeping into my body I assure you I would stop doing it. Cold turkey.

Never before have I relied on medication to get me through a rough patch, but I called in the troops this time, Xanax and Zoloft are my best friends. It's 1:30pm and I haven't cried yet today.

Poor Jake. How in the world does he put up with me? The man is a saint.

I don't want to be all dramatic because there is a good chance surgery took care of my problem. I'll know in a couple of weeks. Until then, I'm thinking happy thoughts and I hope you'll think some for me too.

And if you are looking for a creative weight loss plan....tongue surgery should do it.

Walking, Listening and Taking a Break

I've been downloading the A New Earth on-line class to my iPod and have been walking my buns off while I listen to it. The weather has been so beautiful I want to soak it up before the heat sets in and I retreat to the air conditioning.

Today, I made the very hard decision to take a break from my volunteer work for the ACS. It's just something I need to do right now and I think this letter pretty much sums up why...

Dear ****,
It has been a great privilege to be a part of the Reach to Recovery program. I feel by sharing my story I give other young woman hope to push through treatment so they can begin to put their cancer experience behind them. It’s been 5 years since I battled breast cancer and 3 since tongue cancer. I always thought once you finished treatment cancer left you alone, but it doesn’t. With each check-up or ache and pain thoughts of cancer flood my mind.

As I try to heal my mind and spirit I decided to stop talking about “my story” except in my Reach to Recovery work. Cancer has taken so much of my time and energy already I just can not give it any more. It is for this reason, I have decided to take a pause from my Reach work for the next year. I don’t take this decision lightly as I know the ***** Reach Program needs young volunteers. I have always felt so appreciated by the ACS. I know ***** is now involved and I’m hoping she can provide the support while I take this break. I’m taking the next step in my recovery. I’ll be sure to check back with you next spring and if time gets the best of me and I forget please don’t hesitate to call.

I spoke to (anonymous patient) last night. From our conversation I gather she’ll need additional support. She’s having a rough time of it. I did not mention my break in volunteer work. I’d like to request that at some point another Reach volunteer contact her as I think she would benefit from follow-up.

Thank you and the ACS for all you do and for letting me be a part of it.

Sincerely,

I figured out the only reason I had continued my Reach work well after realizing it was time to take a break was my ego. If you are reading/studying A New Earth you will understand what I mean by that.

On an up note, WE BOOKED OUR SUMMER VACATION TO NEW YORK CITY TODAY! I'm so excited. We've been holding out on the Big Apple until we felt like the kids were old enough to manage it. The kids have talked about going to NYC since they saw a Little Einstein episode about it. Every time we drive through Jacksonville Nathan asks if we are in NYC! Will he be surprised to see the real thing!

A shout out goes to my mom today. She's been helping with the kids a lot this week and even came to the rescue this morning when I had car trouble. Shortly after picking up our car pool buddy, Samantha, I noticed my check engine light was on. I didn't think too much of it since I knew I was overdue for an oil change. A few minutes later I noticed a rubbery smell and hear Nathan say, "It smells like a bouncy ball in here". By the time I get in the car loop at Nathan's school I see some smoke coming from under the hood, but the temperature gage is fine. Could it be a fire? I'm sandwiched in between cars and figure if I can keep the car moving hopefully I can get to the auto shop down the road. Nathan and Samantha are being silly and not paying attention to the fact that we are now at the front of the school and I'm starting to panic a little about the smoke. I yell at them to "GET OUT OF THE CAR!" Oh, and my windows are down so we don't have to suck in the melting rubber ball smell so no doubt the teacher out front must have thought I was one bitchy mom! No, "Have a great day, I love you" from this mom! Thankfully my mom met Reese and I at the auto shop and after leaving the car for repair took Reese to school and me home. A half a million dollars later the car is fixed.

Thanks Mom!

Little Bits and a Secret

Nathan and Reese with Cousin Scarlett at Grandma's house showing off their fancy Halloween PJ's
Nathan had a field trip to a pizza joint today. They got a tour of the kitchen and made their own pizza. This sign was posted on the refrigerator and made me laugh.
Here is Nathan and his cutie pie friend, Rachel, on the field trip.
Nathan got a lesson on pizza dough making

************************

If you haven't read the book or seen the DVD, The Secret, you absolutely have to. It is life changing. I watched it again the other day to help me with my "post cancer demons" and it really helped. Without going in to great detail........all the cancer talk I've done lately has brought some of my deepest fears to the surface. I simply can not function this way. After Saturday's Making Strides walk I'm retiring my cancer story indefinitely and outside of my Reach to Recovery work (which really is minimal) I'm focusing on normal everyday living. I even considered changing my blog name, but after Lemonade made such a beautiful page for me I think I'll leave it alone.

If you do watch/read, The Secret, I'd love to hear what you thought!

Today I Shouted...

This appeared in today's newspaper....


Ann ***** learned she had breast cancer after waking up, after surgery, to a missing breast.
"Back then, there were no choices," the ***** resident said, referring to her radical mastectomy in 1962, in which doctors removed her whole breast, along with all of the lymph nodes and the muscles surrounding it.
Forty years later -- except for sharing many of the same fears -- Hope **** of ***** faced a far different medical landscape when she got her breast cancer diagnosis, and many more choices along the way.
In addition to mammograms for early detection, there were detailed tissue biopsies before surgery to guide physicians' recommendations; and a vast arsenal of cancer-fighting drugs, some able to target a tumor directly, while sparing nearby healthy cells.
And, depending on how far along her cancer had progressed, she could choose the standard treatment for early breast cancer since the 1980s -- a lumpectomy, preserving most of her breast, along with radiation therapy.
"I cried a lot," Hope said, after learning the lump in her breast was cancer. "But I told myself, 'I'm beating this. I'm not letting it take me down.' "
Today, she is a five-year breast cancer survivor, a statistical milestone for surviving any cancer, while the 75-year-old Ann recently celebrated 45 years of being free of this disease.
Although breast cancer remains the second leading cause of cancer death in women behind lung cancer, experts say, mortality rates are declining, most likely the result of finding these cancers earlier, when survival rates are highest -- about 98 percent -- and improved treatments.
In 2007, the American Cancer Society estimates 178,480 women in the U.S. will be newly diagnosed with invasive breast cancer and about 40,460 women are expected to die of the disease.
Hope said she discovered the lump in her breast shortly after the birth of her first son, Nathan, five years ago. But, with no family history of cancer and age 29 at the time, "I was not thinking cancer."
The lump seemed more of an annoyance than a threat, she said, so she contacted a lactation consultant, who recommended putting a cabbage leaf over it to "cool it," which failed to work.
That's when she contacted her doctor. He scheduled a mammogram, then a diagnostic ultrasound and finally a biopsy, which confirmed her worst fears: breast cancer.
But it also laid out a therapeutic path offering the best chance for survival, including aggressive chemotherapy.
For six months, she said, she endured eight cycles of cancer-fighting chemicals every three weeks, losing her hair and her appetite along the way.
At the end, lumpectomy was not an option -- the cancer was too far along -- nor was sentinel node biopsy, a cancer test that tracks potential spread of disease through the "sentinel" or first lymph nodes, mitigating the need for further surgery, if the nodes are cancer-free.
In her case, doctors recommended and she agreed to a mastectomy, which was performed at H. Lee Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa. Surgeons removed her diseased breast and 17 lymph nodes, all of which proved negative.
"By the time I had the mastectomy, the tumor was totally gone," she said. "I have a picture of me bald at Moffitt afterwards -- smiling," and full of her namesake -- "hope."
Continued battle
But Hope's battle with cancer did not end there.
Several years later, on the birth of a second son, Reese, she developed a sore on her tongue, which turned out to be malignant, requiring still more chemotherapy and the loss of a third of her tongue.
"Radiation for my breast cancer was a cakewalk, compared with the radiation for the tongue," she said.
But the ordeal prompted creation of a cookbook with her husband, Jake, called "Easy Eating," whose proceeds go to the American Cancer Society.
"When you get sick, everybody wants to make you a casserole," Hope said, laughing. "I lost all my taste buds," along with more than 30 pounds.
The second cancer also turned her preventive side into full gear.
In February 2006, she had breast reconstruction, opting to remove her healthy breast to prevent another breast cancer, but not her ovaries, because of negative tests for two inherited breast cancer genes, she said.
"If they had been positive, I would have had my ovaries out, too," she said, "because that increases the risk for recurrence."
Hope conceded that friends often ask if she's afraid of getting another cancer in the future.
"I tell them, every time I go to the doctor, my stomach falls to the ground," she said. "But then I think of something corny, like my kids' wedding, and I am there."
Discovering a lump
Ann *****'s medical battle against breast cancer has been far more straightforward, though not without frustrations, over the years.
What brought her to the operating table, she said, was a pea-sized lump she found, like Hope, through breast self-examination.
"I still remember I went in the hospital on a Friday, with six of us having surgery that day," she said, "and I watched every one of them go home."
Ann spent 10 days in the hospital and, in a separate operation at the behest of "two older surgeons," had her ovaries removed three weeks later.
Because her father had died of cancer several years earlier, she said, she took great pains to hide her cancer from her mother -- no easy feat, given the lack of prostheses at the time.
"We would wear these cotton things for about a year," she said, "and they would suddenly go 'poof,' and we would have to replace them."
Ann never chose to reconstruct her breast.
But once mammography screening became standard in the late 1970s, she said, she began undergoing these tests annually.
The National Cancer Institute and the American Cancer Society recommend women begin getting mammograms every one to two years beginning at age 40, or even earlier, in women considered at higher-than-average risk for the disease.
"Some women say they hurt," Ann said. "But it's an easy thing to do, compared with the alternative."

Birthday Prep

I can hardly believe that my little men are turning 6 and 3 in just a few weeks! This is the first year we are not having a party at our house. We've always opted for the small family/close friends, make sure the house is clean type party, but since the kids are both in school and have lots more friends I had little interest in hosting 25 kids pumped full of sugar running around the house. The kids really wanted to have a party at Pump-it-Up and we were ready for a low maintenance celebration. Since Pump-it-Up will be doing all the "work" I've decided to make the cake...a first. I found a cute space shuttle cake on-line that I'm going to attempt to recreate. I remember my mom always made us cool cakes and I loved it! If you know me, you know I'm all for a nice party, but have little interest in consuming myself with over the top detail and decorations. It simply stresses me out when too much is going on...that I'm responsible for. I've always admired those folks who love to plan and prep for a party and go all out. I start out will all these grand intentions, but always resort back to keeping it simple to hold onto my sanity.

I loved the pictures I took of the kids at the beach over the summer so much I used them as part of the party invitations. And his year I'm ordering the personalized "Thank you for coming to Nathan and Reese's Party" stickers I've been eyeing the last few years. I could never justify the cost, but I'm going for it this year. In lieu of the traditional junk toy goody bag (I've never been fond of them) I'm getting a copy of Magic Tree House #8 Midnight on the Moon, perfect for our space theme, for the big kids and a pre-school space book (to be determined) for the younger group. Nathan has just recently been turned onto the Magic Tree House books and we love to cuddle up at bed time and read a chapter. Although I'm usually pretty tired come bedtime it is still one of my favorite times with the kids.

On to a completely unrelated topic.....I've been on quite an emotional post-cancer roller coaster this week. I went to the conference, left inspired to share my story and use my experience to help others. Yesterday, I met an amazing woman, Ann, diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 30 years old when her two boys were just 5 and 2. She is a 45 year survivor!!!! We had so many similarities it was wild. I felt like I was having a conversation with my future self. You'll probably read more about her in my blog next week, but for now I'll just leave it at that. I'm struggling with how I feel about talking so much about my battle. It's one thing to blog about it...some how there is safety behind the computer. But publicly, I struggle with it. I don't want to be all about having cancer and I like it when people I didn't know back then don't know. When I was with Ann I ran into my neighbor from across the street. The conversation and how I had met up with Ann warranted me to share with my new neighbor that I was a cancer survivor as well. I felt like I was telling a dirty little secret. Part of me wants to forget cancer ever happened to me..to never talk about it again, the other wants to shout it out loud like it's some kind of award I won or that talking about it will some how help me make sense of the question I often ask myself "why me?"

ACS

I'm home from an amazing weekend spent with a large group of very selfless and inspiring people. The Rosen Shingle Creek Resort (some how the name doesn't do it justice) was amazing...enormous, beautiful and immaculate. The ACS covered the bill, and I don't even want to know the price tag of my stay. Tatiana and I had a great time and I am so grateful she decided to go with me. I ended up knowing several people from ACS that attended and met several others over the course of the event.

Tatiana and I managed to keep our cool and did well on our presentation. We were approached by several people who were moved by our story and shared their story with us. Many of the volunteers/staff there had been touched by cancer personally and I'd say probably half were survivors themselves. I was particularly touched by Kristin Hoke's story. She was originally scheduled to be there, however, she was just recently diagnosed with a recurrence of her breast cancer and couldn't attend. Here is a bit of her story....

Kristin Hoke anchors WPBF News at 5 and 11 p.m., part of the tri-anchor female news team. She joined WPBF in the fall of 2000. Her arrival was like a homecoming, due to her strong family ties to Florida.
Bountiful Blessings - By Kristin Hoke
All my life, I was the person who pulled into the grocery store and found a space right up front. I considered myself a fortunate, blessed person. I always worked hard for everything in life, but felt like I had a guardian angel smoothing over life's bumps. Then, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. She was given a ten percent chance of living. But my mom taught me a critical life lesson -- that faith and will power trumps all. My mother told me "I will see your high school graduation". And she did. Her strength was inspiring. Seven people in my family would battle cancer, but I always thought I would beat the odds.

In 2004, I married my husband Eric, getting one step closer to the dream of having children. I had many life goals, but becoming a mother was always the most important to me. Six months into trying to start a family, I was diagnosed with a highly invasive breast cancer. I sat in that doctor's office, not caring if I lived or died. Shaking, in tears... I asked my doctor, what about having kids ? The look on his face told me everything. He could provide little answers. Chemotherapy and radiation affected everyone differently. There were no promises. Was this really happening to me ?
Just two days after my surgery, I dragged myself out of the recovery bed, and drove 50 miles to see a fertility specialist. Everyone thought I was crazy, but I didn't care. I was trying to protect my life dream. I took every step I could to protect my body's ability to create life. Starting chemotherapy was an afterthought. I was on a mission to preserve my future.
A month later I started chemotherapy. Four rounds of what nurses called the "pink death". I went through four rounds of this poison, made from the bark of the "happy" tree. It was hard to believe nature could create this toxin, that could tear apart cancer cells and healthy cells. On day fourteen, I lost my hair. Ironically, it happened when I was taking pictures with TV viewers who attended our WPBF "Health" Expo. As the afternoon progressed, I lost more and more hair, until I realized it was time to go home. Then came the next life lesson. I sat there crying and my husband told me, "don't let that cancer chase you... you go after it !" I got his point. Bad things happen, but it is how we rise to the occasion that determines our path. I asked him to shave my head. I felt empowered, and ready to face whatever cancer threw at me.
Radiation would follow, six weeks worth. I remember laying on the couch, burning up hot. My black lab Buddy would lick my face for minutes on end, doing his best to remove my fever. He watched me as I battled the remnants of this disease. He offered up another life lesson... patience. When you are a type "A" personality, it's a tough one to master. Over six months of treatment, I realized everything in life has a time and a place. This was my time to heal. A month later, I was finally able to get off the couch and walk him around the block. He and I shared the victory.
I had to practice my patience once I was done with my treatment. I bugged my oncologist endlessly to give me the all clear. All I wanted to do was move forward. Finally, almost a year later, I got the green light. Now, I would find out if my life dream was still in reach. For months, I waited and prayed. Then it finally happened. After waiting ten years to be pregnant, I was staring at a plus sign on the test. My heart raced. Was it really my time ?
For months I worried that the chemotherapy would affect my body's ability to hold onto this precious pregnancy. But with each month that passed, I gained confidence that everything would be alright. I will never forget the beautiful benchmarks: gaining that feminine belly, feeling her move inside me the first time, seeing a foot or elbow stick out of my side and giggling.. it was all good. I joked with my oncologist that the morning sickness was worse than chemotherapy, and the first trimester fatigue was worse than radiation! But I signed up for it all. This was beautiful life growing inside me.
Cancer and pregnancy have reminded me that all things good and bad have a place in your life. Learn from them, and thank God everyday for your blessings. I can't wait to teach my daughter that optimism and faith are not accidents. They are a choice, and they frame how rich your life will be. Motherhood is a dream come true.



And now this....

WPBF TV 25 anchor Kristin Hoke, who two years ago openly shared her courageous battle against breast cancer, says the disease is back and she's again undergoing chemotherapy treatments.
Doctors discovered the breast cancer last week, she said, while she was being checked out for a cough she'd recently developed.
During a phone interview Friday, she talked about how she's feeling.
“I’m doing better today than I have in the last week,” said Hoke, 39.
“I went through chemo yesterday — my first one— and it went pretty well; I was real happy with it," she said. “A lot of battling cancer is apprehension, and you know, a lot of nerves. Even though I knew what to expect, it was just different this time."
She said she was feeling good Friday and "not feeling nauseous."
"So far so good,” she added.
Hoke endured surgery and chemotherapy treatments for breast cancer during 2005.
Until last week, she’d been cancer-free.
In April, she gave birth to her first child, Isabella "Bella" Margaret.
She said since her co-workers at the ABC affiliate were told of her condition Monday, she's been inundated with phone calls from fellow staffers and co-anchors Lisa Hayword and Tiffany Kenney.
"Everyone has been calling like every three hours,” she said. “It’s really great to know you work with so many decent human beings.”
Hoke said she had a biopsy performed Monday and has begun chemotherapy.
“I have a reoccurrence,” she explained. “It’s in other areas of my body besides my breast tissue . . . but it's my original breast cancer that is back.”
Rumors that she has lung cancer are not true, she said.
“It’s not lung cancer,” she said.
“I basically have lots of tiny little dots -- they’re not even tumors yet," she said "They’re some specks that the chemo will take care of. And so the doctors are focused on getting rid of these small lesions and making sure they don’t come back.”
Hoke, who had returned recently from maternity leave, said she won't be returning to work until she's further along in her treatments.



Instead of her scheduled appearance she sent a video clip that was recorded last week. I fought the tears as I watched. I saw myself in her story...just a mom enjoying her new baby and cancer was trying to take it all away.



Before the weekend was over I was asked once again so share my story at an up coming Relay for Life event. More public speaking...urgh! Then, right after that the executive director of the local ACS asked me to consider being next years Making Strides Against Breast Cancer chair. My initial response was no.......but, I'm telling you after spending two days around this amazing group of people I'm actually considering it. And if all these invites hadn't already made me feel special the woman who heads up the entire Reach to Recovery program for the state of Florida asks if I would consider doing Reach to Recovery work for the entire state and not just my county. I immediately said yes to that one!



I have always admired people who give their time to a good cause and while I've volunteered for ACS for 4 years I feel like my work has really just begun.



If you have not already made a donation to Making Strides Against Breast Cancer I'm asking you to please consider it as no new mother should have to worry that cancer might take her away from her babies. Please check your area for your local Making Strides event or if you would like to donate to my team please email me at hopeacs@cfl.rr.com and I will send you the link.

Too Many Doctors

I started the week having a simple dentist appointment for Nathan and I. Somehow that his grown to five doctor appointments. What is a bit ironic is that I just had a conversation with Jake's mom about how I was feeling better about doctor appointments in general. Since my medical drama unfolded I mentally struggle to even take the kids to their well-child checkups. I just get worked up.

I faced my fears and scheduled Nate for an appointment with the pediatrician about his skin. Over the last 6 months he seemed to have pimples popping up around his nose. I've taken him to the dermatologist twice and she's spent all of 30 seconds (no exaggeration) with him and sent us on our way with acne creams. Acne in a 5 year old was just not sitting well with me. I was afraid he was going into early puberty. I took him to Dr. Y Tuesday morning and to my relief he is NOT in early puberty, was completely mis-treated by the dermatologist and simply has a rash (for lack of a better word). Dr. Y prescribed bactroban cream and in just 12 hours it is already better.

We headed off to the dentist with Reese in tow for his first exposure to the dentist office. I took him along so he could check it out before his first appointment in 6 months. The hygienist took Reese back with Nate so he could see big brother have his teeth cleaned and play in the "moving chair". I headed down the hall for my cleaning. A few minutes into my exam the doctor comes in to take a look and says he sees something under my tongue he wants my ENT doc to see. He says it's probably nothing, but wants to play it safe. I freak out....the remainder of my appointment was a complete fog. I hardly remember the remainder of my cleaning, rounding up the kids, checking out and driving home. I was scheduled for an appointment with Dr. H for 9am this morning. This meant I had to sweat it out overnight......an all too familiar feeling.

My gut tells me it's nothing, but my mind wonders off to visions of Dr. H ordering a biopsy and another wait begins. Unfortunately, that scenario is way too easy to pull up in my mind and I have to chase it away with images of good news and the relief that comes along with it. I floated through my evening...feeding the kids cereal instead of a real meal, celebrating the loss of Nate's second tooth (which popped out while he was eating his Cheerios) with less enthusiasm than my norm, passing on a swim with Jake and the boys and heading to bed shortly after getting the boys in bed for the mental comfort that only sleep (or heavy drugs) can bring.

Mom came over first thing this morning to watch the boys while I nervously drove to Dr. H's office. I was so nervous I couldn't even eat breakfast, but managed to eat two crackers before leaving. I concentrated on happy thoughts all the way there. I had even taken a shower, put nice clothes on and did my hair and make-up thinking if I looked good I must be healthy. It worked, because Dr. H took one look in my mouth and said he thought everything was just fine. I took a deep breath and asked if I could hug him! He'll check me again in 6 weeks and if all is good (which I anticipate) I'll go back to my regular 4 month check ups.

I'm trying very hard to not let this one little glitch set me back on my emotional mission to feel normal again. I'm keeping my appointment on Friday with Dr. F for a physical. I dug deep and found the courage to make this appointment because I'm way overdue on having my thyroid function checked and I want him to check my cholesterol too. It's been on my mind since Jake gave blood and his cholesterol was high. He was actually at Dr. F's office this morning while I was with Dr. H. Turns out he's fine too...........thank goodness.

And they lived happily ever after.........

5 Years Later.........

I've been thinking long and hard about how to raise money for Making Strides Against Breast Cancer and also about how I would celebrate my 5 year mark. I think I found the answer to both. I know I couldn't run an entire marathon, but what about a half marathon? I tossed around the idea, then researched to see if there was one in my area. Goose bumps rose up on my arms when I found out a local marathon and half marathon is held on November 25, 2007....5 years to the day that I lost my breast to cancer and 5 days before I celebrate my 35th birthday. So, I think I'm going to take the new ta-tas for a run!

Making Strides

I've started my campaign for the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk coming up this October. Thanks to a huge response my team raised over $7,000 last year! This year our goal is $10,000 and I need a strategy to get there. Have any ideas? I was thinking of something like: If we reach our goal I'd....run a marathon, shave my head, flash my new ta-tas to the highest donor etc. Of course I have thought of every possible idea except something I'd actually follow through and do. I'm not athletic enough to think I could possibly run a marathon, too vein to be bald again and too modest to be a flasher. Back to the think tank......