Monday, September 28, 2009

Blogging Break

For the first time ever I went back and reread a blog I wrote. I hope the rest weren't as badly written as the last one. I remembered writing it on multiple sit downs because it was so raw and emotional it was taking too much out of me. Interruptions like the boys didn't help, I remember wiping away tears and trying to talk to them when I was typing it if they needed something. It was obviously disjointed and emotional, and I'm disappointed that I think I did a terrible job portraying how I was really feeling. I was telling too much, not letting you feel the pain I was trying describe. Anyway, after that last blog I had to take a break. Those 36 hours were so incredibly difficult on my psyche I don't think I'll ever be the same but I mean that in a good way. Reflecting back now a bit, I first of all can never thank Man-Marie enough for being there both days for me. Second, I really miss wearing my ring. I still feel weird without it and want to rub it or rotate it around my finger at times. Some day I hope to go back and read all of the other blogs (like my new friend Jen just did in one night --- now of course she wants her night back like a refund at Walmart because all of their stuff is crap anyway but you know that going in, only she didn't know the blogs were crap going in so I feel like I owe her).

I'm not emotionally ready yet, but some day I hope to read them with the kids. A lot of people have suggested I try to get them published in a book. I can't imagine how that would go over because so much of it is too emotional. However if anyone knows anything about doing so e-mail me or send me a comment please. I'd consider it, because if it just helps one child that lost their parent or helps one spouse that lost their better half it would all be worth it. Of course I hear all the time that nobody gets my references like when Woody in Cheers became an English snob and could not relate to the rest of the bar anymore. I think a book audience would wander too much but you never know, you guys are reading this right now (you are right, right?). Anywho, I am back now blogging and hope to keep it up much more often. The emotions are not as raw so I should be able to emotionally keep it up now (man it's hard to not make a penis joke right now but out of respect for Hope's family and in honor of my office and The Office (TV show) "that's what she said." BTW (that's me showing off my texting ability for the record, I also have learned lmfao (Missy taught me that one), ttyl (andrea taught me that one), fscfr (Christine at BC taught me that one), and hsmhihgo (anonymous taught me that one). FTR (for the record) fscfr is Flipside crackers freakin' rule and hsmhihgo is holy shit my husband is home get out. Anyway they are good pointers for you out there new at texting. I just got an iPhone since the last blog and I love it. Porn at my finger tips (or directions to bible study) anytime anywhere. Ain't progress grand?

I almost named this blog hairy chest after Reese (similar to hairy penis only different hair ftr) but thought after sitting with Hope's dad, step mom, two sisters, brother and other relatives trying to explain the hairy penis I'd stick with something less catchy this time around. I mention hairy chest because I was running late one night (go figure) getting ready to go out to a work function when I ran into the living room to check on the boys after a shower in only a towel and sweet 16 year old next door neighbor was just about to come over when I told the boys they needed to come back into my bathroom for brushing and jammers. Reese asked why and I said she cannot see me like this when he thoughtfully asked, she cannot see your hairy chest? Of course keep in mind this is from the least shy boy when it comes to nakedness you could ever meet, he tells Lindsay to go back home and put her jammers on when she comes over or will strip down in a moment's notice at the pool in front of anyone when he's ready to change. It's too bad we lose that innocence and spontenaity because then I could see way more boobs (what I mean by that is we should let men and women be equal across the board with wages, war duties, and no tops at beaches, pools, convertibles, etc. --- yes I'm always looking out for your equality ladies) just like in the Keys at hour hotel, clothing tops optional should become universal for the equality of it all. How much more interested would the Silicone Cindy's be (for those of you that are longer term readers) if we had the equality for tops (or not tops depending on how you look at it). Think of the money you'd save, what's a bra cost nowadays like $30 or $40 bucks? I am hear to stand up for women's rights and I think at least half of the population would support me on this which is higher then Obama's approval right now.

Speaking of my trip to see Hope's family in Tampa, we went to Weechi Wachi Springs which is the oldest theme park type place in Florida built in the 40's. They are famous for an underwater mermaid show. Well, after that experience (except for the disturbing fact that they do the little mermaid and say over and over again she's only 15 --- they should at least say 18 for us old man perverts) I have a total mermaid fetish. Darryl Hannah in Splash could walk when she was dry so it's the best of both worlds. If anyone knows a mermaid I could hook up with for Halloween or any other day please let me know. It's not the same as roller derby girls (Traci and Shelby) or naughty nurses (Tina and Anna) so if all else fails put on a tail and swim on over here. Since I know Hope's family reads this please back me up on the mermaid fetish, talk about getting some tail...oh come on you had to know that comment was coming!

Reese recently had a bad dream and woke up, walked downstairs, and generally was just in a fog. He told me he had a nightmare and that he lost his screamy. I asked what he meant and he said he tried to scream but lost his screamy. It was so cute but also worrisome for him and at the same time it broke my heart. That's one of those bad dad moments when you just wish you could have run upstairs and been there for him to be the superhero. You hold him tight, rock him back to sleep, and tell him Daddy's here and it will all be okay. I imagine that's what Bobby Bowden's wife has been doing lately. After losing to UM, almost losing to Jax State, and then getting beat by every recruit you didn't bring into school last weekend by USF he probably needs to get rocked to sleep. The Pats almost started 0-2, but looked great last week so there's still some promise for our season. The Sox are in the playoffs (unofficially but a lock in my book that nobody cares about) and I love how we're toying with the Yankees. We beat them 8 straight to start the season and then let them beat us like 9 out of 10 times along with running away with the division just to falsely build up their confidence to take them down in the playoffs. I mention them because coming up is my sports trifecta weekend, Sox on Friday, FSU/BC on Saturday, and Pats on Sunday. I can't wait, and we even got free tickets to the Sox and Pats and only had to pay face value for the Noles so that just leaves more money for the church donation bucket/hat thingy on Sunday as we pray for the Pats to beat the Ravens (only because I have a bet with a friend on the game and she has to learn that the Pats always prevail). ESPN Gameday will be at the FSU game and Hope always had a crush on Kirk Herbstreit (he was always at the top of her list) so I'll be giving him an awkward kiss from her.

Both boys are loving school and things could not be better with the afternoon babysitter friend. Nathan had 9 friends sleep over last Friday for his birthday and tomorrow night we'll celebrate his real birthday with some family and a couple of friends. You should have seen me keeping up with 9 kids seven and eight year olds, it was a blast. We swam, played games, did the usual presents/food/dessert stuff, and then watched movies, threw water balloons, you name it. Nathan loved it and I think his buddies did too, including the two girls that slept over. At what age does that need to stop, six? Reese's birthday is the following week so we'll do it all over again just with shorter people. Nathan's birthday was really hard but was such a whirlwind with all the people here that the only time I got upset about Hope not being there in body was when Nathan was making a wish. What else can you wish for but that your Mommy be alive or that your Daddy be safe? It's all I could think about when most kids just want a new scooter. He's been through so much and it amazes me how well both boys are doing. They are much stronger then me, but I know they are and it gives me strength.

I gave all of Hope's things away to a women's shelter which felt really great. The last items I had were the American Cancer Society stuff that I thought others could use. I intentionally went by their office at lunch time hoping to just ditch and run as I did not want to get into all a big discussion about Hope there on that day. The office was empty except one lady saw me walk in with the huge bag. She was sweet, I explained what the stuff was, she asked if I wanted a receipt and I declined, and then as I'm walking out the door she asks me my name. I told her and proceeded to walk out again. She stopped me again and asked for the person's name that had this stuff. I told her it was my wife Hope and really tried to get out of there when she asked me, are you Jake Wise??? Before I could answer she started asking me all about the boys, said how much she loved Hope, what an inspiration she was, wanted to know all about how and what we were doing, you name it. It was so sweet but emotionally draining to hear again. Please don't think I'm saying not to talk about Hope, it's just at certain times I'm not up for it. For example at Hope's brother's house before I saw the mermaids, over the course of 2 days no one brought her name up even once except me a couple of times. Even when I did nobody else said a word. At those times I HOPE you do talk about her but more importantly I HOPE people aren't trying to watch their words around me. I always say what I think, blog what I think, and out of respect please do the same with me. We are all way too PC nowadays and it would be better if we returned closer to our childish innocence.

I am feeling great right now, the boys are in a groove, we are having fun together almost all the time, and the weather is just starting to cool as we approach Hope's favorite time of the year. I know Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hope's birthday, my birthday, Christmas, New Year's, the anniversary of her passing, etc will be tough, but I think I'm in the position to handle them better with the boys alongside. We'll take them on together one day at a time. I will keep blogging and more often again, I'm like the Hoff's career as every time you think (and most of you wish) it's dead it just keeps coming back. I'll be here updating you on Saved By the Bell until at least Tiffany Amber hits the wall (uh-oh, too late). It's too bad we all have to get old, but at least I have mermaids and SBTB (my new texting lingo for the show and only for me to use) reruns, enough to get any growing man through the day.