A New Beginning

For the first time ever tonight, I was angry. No reason behind it, I was pissed. I sobbed uncontrollably, yelled, punched, kicked and basically just wailed. It was the first time I was angry and it just came out of nowhere while I was watching a rerun from 3 or 4 weeks ago of House. I don't know why, it started around 1:00 AM and it's just now subsiding at 1:52 AM. I dont' get it, I haven't been angry for so long and all of a sudden I go from honestly sobbing and wailing out loud uncontrollably to being mad. I'm not mad at Hope, I'm not mad at God (I get accused of that all the time which I've blogged about), I didn't have a bad Thanksgiving, and yet I'm still angry all of a sudden. I walked out to the road in my boxers and just stared at the stars. It's cold outside for the first time in a while and I didn't give a shit. Before I could even get back into the house in the middle of my driveway I doubled over and just started sobbing again. What the fuck is up with me??? I'm pissed at me, feeling like shit, want someone to make things better.

I cannot get hold of my emotions and normally I'm good at that. I can't rationalize what I'm doing, saying feeling, you name it. I feel sick to my stomach but I'm fine, I want to punch something but don't, I don't want to drink or eat anything, I just want to feel better. I don't know what would do that. It's cold outside but I won't close the door next to me. I want someone to come by and rescue me, but I don't know what I need. I want to call someone but don't know who to call. If I did call someone I don't know what to say. I feel like I'm being tortured for someone's amusement.

I know I'm so lucky. I have so many loved ones in my life. I have great friends and family. The boys make every moment worthwhile. What the fuck happened tonight?!? I can't explain it as it's a first for me. I feel much better now after typing this, my breathing has slowed, anger has ceased, and now I feel a little more like me again. Now I kind of feel stupid and don't want to post this. Why did I start typing my blog when I was at my worst? Do I want to share, am I just looking for sympathy, will this scare away anyone interested in me, am I finally just going through a normal phase that I normaly should have sooner? WTF??? No one will probably ever read this. One year ago today I think I realized Hope was not going to make it. Maybe this is just normal grieving after so much time.

I'm not sure what to think right now. I want to call someone and talk but I'm just not sure who that should be and it's now 2 AM. Not because of the time but because of the subject matter. All I want is for my boys and me to be truly happy again. I keep thinking I'm close and then something like this happens. Maybe I just need some sleep, maybe I just need a woman, maybe I just need more time, maybe it's some combo I haven't figured out yet. The sleep is way behind, the rest I need to work on too. I'm not going to publish this until morning, because I'm just not sure about it. I've never edited my thoughts on the blog, maybe this will be the first in the morning.

8 AM now and I feel fine. I'm not sure even with some distance now what happened to me last night. I feel better now and I think that's because of what happened. I'm going to UF to watch FSU probbaly get blasted with some friends and no kiddos today and I'm really looking forward to that. I'll miss my boys, but they're in the best of hands looking forward to their play time with others. My mom hasn't been feeling herself for a little while and I think she doesn't let on to how badly she's really feeling. I worry about her but like she's done for me respect her space and privacy when she seems to want that.

Monday is Hope's birthday, the boys and I have some special plans that does not include them going to school. They dont' know it yet, just that I have a surprise for them. Between the massage crying and last night, I think it's extreme healing for me. Still not sure if I'll post this, it's just me trying to feel better when I couldn't really talk to anyone. Not that I think that would have helped last night either. I don't know, it was so intense, just me and my feelings, anger for the first time. The feeling is completely gone, no anger at all this morning except wishing I got a little more sleep last night. Go NOLES, maybe Bobby and my boys can shock the world and make Urban and Tebow cry and wail.

I think I just figured it out, it was delayed response from something that happened earlier in the night. Last night before I left my Mom's house she was not feeling well and laid down. I went in and talked to her for a while. It was deja vu, she was laying in the exact same bed as Hope last year when I think I realized for the first time she was not going to live. I remember my Aunt Nancy in and out of the room a lot just like last night. I must have just had flashbacks from the worst weekend of my life last year. Now exactly one year later my mom is laying in the exact same place and way Hope did. I'm powerless again, willing to do anything to take the pain and discomfort away but not able do anything. I don't know why I didn't think about that sooner. That makes sense, and I feel even better now. I think I really needed that last night, and maybe the anger was just frustration in being powerless. You always want to be the superdad or superspouse or superson that can take on the world and for most of my adult life (many would argue against me even becoming an adult yet and they have a good point) I have been able to do so. Wow, I really feel better now. That had to be it.

Man this blog thing is really doing the trick. My psycho tells me all the time how great it is. She said I started healing long before Hope even passed by doing it and always feeling whatever was hitting me at the moment. Anyone that reads knows I let it all out when it hits, especially in front of the kids. They need to see that and be able to express themsevles the same way. I think they do and that's part of the reason they are doing so well. I feel like I have a new beginning this morning, a fresh start only 1 year out from knowing for the first time I was going to lose my wife. I think I am going to post this one, I think the readership has fallen off anyway and even some of my best friends and family tell me they can't read it anymore. It was never for anyone else but me and hopefully one day something the boys will be interested in. The day after Thanksgiving I feel like I have so much more to be thankful for then I did yesterday. I love you Mom, feel better and know I'm here as much or as little as you need me to be. Truly, THANKS!

Sacrificing Virgins, Mermaid Cake and She-Devil

Now you have to stay tuned with a title like that. It will suck you in like a Dirt Devil, but nothing like a She Devil. I only mention that because one of the comments from the last blog about my pregnancy referenced She Devil. All I could think of was the late 80's movie with Roseanne Barr and if you weren't sure her acting was bad enough on the TV show waste 90 minutes of your life renting this one. Amazingly I remember Meryl Streep even being in it, please explain that combination of casting. I think it's the opposite of when when Rosie O'Donnell was in A League of Their Own (a great movie BTW) because she was such a terrible actress but they had her play an obnoxious gum smacking New Yorker it actually worked. I remember Rosie when she used to host VH1's comedy stand-up show on late night TV and I thought she was horrible back then. Somehow she even competed with Oprah for a bit. Now I would be remiss if I didn't mention Oprah retiring in a year after 25 years. Those of you anywhere near my age don't remember when she wasn't on TV when Donahue was all the rage. I think she actually ate him. I'm sorry that's terrible but because Hope loved Oprah and Kirk Herbstreit more then me I guess I still have lingering anger issues. Of course I thought of her as soon as I heard the news, I'm sure she knew before I did. I actually think she decided to stop haunting me even though she promised to haunt Oprah, Gayle King, and Kirk. Oprah didn't make enough money with Harpo Productions so now it's on to OWN, the Oprah Winfrey Network. I'll be the first week she breaks every cable TV program record. Goodbye Monday Night Raw and the Closer, hello Oprah which could pass for a professional wrestler. Now in the red corner wearing the pink and I'm every women tights (oooohhhh I shudder at the thought) from Parts Unknown (I think Baltimore actually and don't ask me how I know such useless information, I'm sure Hope tattooed that into my brain) weighing in at 1/6 of a ton (not a stretch for her) the reigning heavy heavyweight champion of money of the world, the Oppulent Oprah.

I started typing this blog last night but just got too tired to finish it so hopefully I'll wrap up tonight. I was inspired by the fact that after I tucked the kids in I did my usual quick conversation with Hope at the top of the stairs before I made my way down. As I passed each picture of Hope and the boys in the house I noticed something. I then started to go into each room out of my way to the Flipside crackers (I really should be getting some royalties from them) and looked at each picture of her with the boys more closely. What I found that really upset me was that the kids looked much younger in every picture. Then I started thinking that all of the pics were back when she was feeling good and doing things with us. That was a really long time ago and even though she passed only in January of this year it really got to me. I was responding to an e-mail from a friend Judy when I just started crying thinking about it. All of a sudden Nathan is standing next to me telling me he's thirsty and then immediately starts telling me he knows why I'm crying, it's okay, and gave me a hug. I'm telling you kids have more sense of their surroundings then any adult.

Another strange thing that happened to me recently was during my monthly non-happy ending because I hate when they're over massage last week, all of a sudden she just got started on my neck and it started to throb. Then the other side started to throb even worse. I started having an anxiety attack and only became more stressed. I then started crying and wasn't even really thinking about Hope. I've had probably a half dozen massages since she passed and nothing like this happened before. I had to ask her to stop, sat up for about 5 minutes or so. and then finally laid back down and was able to continue. That was the most stressed feeling I've had in a long time and it was during a massage! Please explain that one to me.

Thanksgiving weekend 2008 was the worst weekend of my life. Not only did we just horribly suffer through the actual day with Hope not even able to get up and later she admitted she knew the cancer was back but didn't want to ruin the holiday, but that was followed by almost her entire family at our house on Friday to celebrate her birthday early and I was so busy I didn't even notice how poorly she was doing that day, then Saturday morning I realized I had to take her to the hospital. Will and Anna were still in town so they took the kids. We checked into the hospital and by the time they completed all the tests on her and had the results only 6 hours before her 36th birthday before they even spoke I could tell the cancer had taken over and she didn't have long to live. I was so worried about how she'd take it that's all I could think about. I asked for something she could take to calm her down, a doctor and nurse to come in with me, and when I told her she calmly just shook her head and said she knew. She always knew her body best and I don't care what anyone tries to convince any of you in the future if you know something is different then what they tell you don't let them go in the wrong direction. Hope always did that. So this weekend I'm planning on being remorseful some because of last year, but mostly looking forward to starting a new tradition for the three Wisemen. Her birthday is Monday this year and I'm taking the kids out of school and hitting Sea World and hopefully the Gaylord Palms Ice Spectacular or whatever they call it.

This year is still very warm and humid down here. However the other day it was cool enough to open up the house so I started opening all the windows that hadn't since spring of last year. That's when I remembered I had to do the dead frog clean-up. That's when I have to go into each window and dig out the dried up dead frog that somehow got between the screen and window at night but couldn't get out. Come morning they dry out and I get to clean them all up. You've got to love the smell of nepalm (no idea how to spell --- who knows the movie that quote is from?) and dead frogs in the morning. I had to sell my Jeep earlier this year and this is the time of year I miss it most. It was an extended Wrangler with a soft top and there's no better time to have the Jeep on the road. I hope the 16-year old little punk driving it around appreciates it took me 34 years to afford that vehicle. Kids nowadays, that's a whole other blog for another day.

Hope's brother's daughter had her baptism the weekend before last. With all the travel, family reunions, school festivals, birthday parties, etc. we've had over the last month plus I just couldn't make it over to Tampa for the festivities. My sister-in-law I think was worried that I didn't go because it was a religious ceremony. Now please understand and I would love to have a much deeper conversation with anyone about this, but for the purposes of the blog I do believe in God and that God created life, I do believe anyone considering or following a religion should study the history of it before or at least at the same time as the teachings of it, I did not go to church much growing up because Sunday was the one day a week my dad watched us, and I think religion is great for so many people but to date is not an important part of my life. I also don't believe you have to pray to God or go to church to live an angellic life that is positive and helps so many others. Maybe some day that will change, I have been to quite a few churches in my time liking parts of each one, and I do believe anyone that tries to convert others into believing as they believe is a bit narcissistic. Look at the 100's or 1000's of religions across the world and why are you so sure yours is correct and a few billion other humans are wrong? Just something to think about. And one more time because I'm asked this quite a bit, I have no anger toward God at all because of Hope's passing. I don't think God picked her out of the human race and chose for her to have cancer as some kind of example or anything else. At the end all I wanted for her was to pass away so she could leave her failing body and let her spirit be free. I have no anger at all over any of this, just relief now and thanks that it all happened the way it did. She immortalized the strongest soul I will probably ever encounter, but it was her time to move on when she did.

Back to my point, and I do actually have one from time to time. I told Hope's brother and his wife that I have no problem with going to church, attending a religious ceremony, just because I said penis and vagina at Hope's celebration doesn't mean I don't respect churches or their services, and the only ceremony I could think of that I'm against is sacrificing virgins. Don't go wasting a perfectly good virgin for some silly ceremony to honor God. I'm pretty sure he (or she --- that was for you Mom) is either not paying attention or is going to get really pissed at anyone involved in the sacrifice. I do like the fact that after some really long services they let you eat a wafer (or cracker or whatever the proper term is) and drink some wine. I do the same thing when I need God's strenght I eat some Flipsides (come on Nabisco, give me some props) and drink some grape juice as I like to refer to it for the kids.

I am drinking plenty of grape juice during my pregnancy to help the devil child inside me build up strength. I think my hummus and popcorn dinner tonight really helped him and/or her out too. I think I'm starting to show a bit and I just want to thank all of you for not saying anything. There's nothing more uncomfortable then asking a man when they are due with their demon and then finding out they're not even pregnant. I really appreciate the respect you guys show me that way. Unfortunately it's an immaculate conception and no hot chick involved. I bring that up because Nathan one night when he was with my mom said something about hot chicks. Now mind you I never speak like that around him so I have no idea unless he's reading the blog where he heard such a thing. My mom didn't miss a beat though, she asked inquisitively "What do you think a hot chick is?" He immediately answered a pretty woman that men like to loook at. I was blown away by this conversation, his answer was absolutely perfect and he already has so much more class then his dad.

Speaking of hot chicks I was at another kid's birthday party yesterday and I realized my mermaid fetish was out of control. First of all ladies I was very upset none of you showed up with a tail on Halloween to show me a pretty woman that this man would like to look at. Anywho they had a mermaid cake and all I could think about but didn't dare say because none of the parents know me well enough was that scene in the first American Pie movie when Dad walks in on Jason Biggs (Jim Levenstein if memory serves) humping a pie because he was told it was like having sex. I just wanted to try the same to see if that would satisfy my mermaid fetish --- sadly it didn't and by the way I'm no longer allowed within 1200 feet of the Crane Creek park according to the Police report. How can they really enforce that anyway? By the way, that movie launched one of the all-time worst acting careers for Elizabeth Shannon (Nadia) but I'll still see anything she's in rated R. Wow, now that's a woman that men like to look at.

I know this weekend will be tough including Thanksgiving, memories of the worst weekend of my life just one year ago, and Hope's birthday but I'm actually looking forward to it. I was supposed to catch up with a friend tonight but that didn't work out ultimately, tomorrow night I have a friend coming by after the kids go to bed that I haven't caught up with in too long so I'm looking forward to that, Wed night we have a ton of friends/family in town coming her for dinner after we have a pot luck and close the office earlier in the day, Thanksgiving tradition at Mom's, Friday up to FSU/UF game weekend where I get to see if I can track down Kirk Herbstreit because Gameday is going to be there, Sunday back home before taking the kids to Sea World and hopefully the Gaylord Palms on Monday for Hope's birthday. We're busy, having fun, loving life, and even though we have our moments we know Hope is right here with us enjoying it all as well. Let's hope our Noles can keep the game close this weekend and I'm going to have a cookie decorating / please help me decorate my house with Christmas ornaments party like we did last year and Whitney and Tom have to put up the NOEL (spelled NOLE at my house) letters in the front yard.

I am pregnant!

Wow a lot has happened in the past month since my last blog, you remember the one that I promised to do a better job keeping up with blogging?!? Since then we went out of town 3 of the 5 weekends, and spent the other two going to and throwing the boys' birthday parties. In between we worked in football games, bike/scooter riding (Natedog got a new bike that is the same size as mine and rides like a champ, Reese got a new scooter and is working on riding Nate's old bike with no training wheels), lots of time with friends/family, and so much more. I'm blown away at the number of people that say they read the blog, most of which gave me shit for going so long without a new one. Believe me, I love doing it because it's so therapeutic for me. I wish I had more time to do them and will try to do a better job keeping it a priority because it's so good for me but more importantly I can't wait for the kids to see what we were going through when they were young and maybe don't have as many memories. Where else can someone with a messed up coconut puke out useless information with bits of tidbits about his family and Tiffani Amber-Thiessen (BTW --- see the text thing is still going --- I saw a commercial for her in a new series but I don't know what it is so someone please help me).

A quick recap of the events we have endured and enjoyed since the last blog:

• Did my man's weekend with the sports trifecta in New England where we had row 9 behind the batter's box Sox tix on Friday night, started on the goal line in the first row before moving to the second row behind the FSU bench on the 40 (then I went up to the upper deck to hang with the Ford's in the second half on the 50) on Saturday, and then skybox 50 yard-line Pats Tix on Sunday. We only paid for the FSU tix, all 3 games were incredible despite the FSU loss, and the Ford's showed us how to tailgate in a parking garage BC style to the delight of all. Chad, Dan, and Adam/Bro/Kathy/Bill, I'll never be able to thank you enough for making it so great!
• Celebrated Reese's birthday with a bowling party that turned into as much or more fun for the adults as the kids. All that and no clean-up, it was incredible. FYI for others wanting to do the same, don't open a tab at the bar and then invite my friends' to come unless your car payment seems small to you.
• Somehow that day the entire party convninced me to have a football party at the house later that night so they all came over with some other friends making the whole day a big party and in the end Reese had two friends spend the night. One was a girl Kylie he has the 2nd biggest crush on ever (the first is Lindsay next door). He got to sleep next to her in the man's room and I could not wipe the smile off his face like the day after I lost my virginity. FTR (see how I work that in?) that was the same day we conceived Natedog Hope's dad, mom, grandmama, brothers/sisters, uncles/aunts, etc. And just to make sure it was going to be a boy we followed the old wive's tail that you do it upside down on a trapeze while wearing the Princess Leia Return of the Jedi gold bikini with my light saber trying to free her (can you believe Hope fell for that one? --- nah me either).
• One more quick anectodote about that, the boys and I at dinner all the time say things like raise your hand if you like broccoli or gnome porn or shrimp (you get the idea). One day out of the blue Reese says, "Raise your hand if you want to marry Kylie." Nathan and I just looked at each other like we both tasted Hope's tuna casserole for the first time without hot sauce.
• We went to grandmama's in SC for her 80th birthday party (she and the rest of the familiy will probably disown me after reading this blog). I visited an old friend Mark and his beautiful family/house in Savannah on the way up followed by a speeding ticket just to get there. Thank goodness the officer was distracted by the kids being naked and running around the back of the SUV so he did not even notice my rum and coke. More on this trip in a bit...
• Celebrated Halloween followed the next day by a work trip to Tallahassee for me that I just got home from about 10:30 PM on Monday night --- thanks Mom for watching the boys, they now think every Sunday is eat candy for two meals a day followed by pumpkin ice cream for dessert. Tallahassee was hard, it was my first time back since Hope passed. We lived there 2 years together and basically spent 4 years together up there. I went by our old apartment and it had changed so much it felt weird. I think just being there without Hope in the flesh already made me feel strange.
• I know I'm forgetting stuff but my blogs are already too long as it is. BTW Man-Marie promises to show me how to post pics so all of the ladies that like my writing (counting Mom and she just says that because she has to that makes a total of 1.5) can finally see my picture, quietly throw up in their mouths, and never think about me again --- kind of like the first day of school in Florida, junior high, high school, and college relived. I will never forget my first week of school in Florida, I cried all morning each day until Mom dropped me off at Audubon Elementary in the Fiat every day that first week. In hindsight, I imagine it was much tougher on her then me. I love you Mom for always being strong, and except for Gram and Gramp you are the only person in my entire life always there for me. I also know you grew to love Hope more then me which was obvious by your visits and phone calls, "Is Hope there?" Mom I know it's you, we have caller ID dammit!

Back to the SC visit, it was the first time except for the Tampa/Mermaid trip (it will forever be known as the mermaid trip for me) I had seen any of Hope's family except a trip earlier in the year to NC. This one included her grandmama, mom, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, etc. They could not have been more gracious to the boys and I, truly treating us as family because we always will be (their words). Happy 80th grandmama, you literally could still pass for 60! After I got back, I did write the following e-mail to everyone there:

There was obviously a huge gaping hole there and that's why I've had trouble making the leap of faith forward to bring the boys up as that was Hope's second favorite place in the world. John and I talked about it a bit, Caroll said some really nice things, but otherwise she went unmentioned except for a couple of cracks I made. I'm not sure if that's par for the course when you guys get together, but I can tell you the boys and I talk about her all the time and just in case we don't during the day we always talk to her before bed telling her our favorite part of the day and kissing her picture. I can tell you from experience, it's easier to talk about her then not to. It makes it much harder in the long run when you don't. I think we can all agree she was and is one of the most positive and loving parts of all of our lives, and she always will be as long as we keep her memory alive. I can guarantee you I will always do my part and then some. How about each of you? It's not a criticism at all, I only spent a short time with ya'll and you may have felt as strange as I did. I just didn't feel it was my place to talk about it while there during such a great celebration.

As I've mentioned in past blogs and to so many of you in person, please talk about her as much as you want to. It doesn't bother me and the boys love hearing more about their mommy. Hope's grandmama grows sunflowers in a huge field behind her house. They were dead so the kids and I spent half the weekend back there whacking them down like droids in Star Wars as their sticks were light sabers. They loved it. I'll also never forget a previous visit with a sister-in-law to remain nameless said, "ahhhh, it's so nice they grow a field of sunflowers for the birds to feed on." Then we showed her the 100's of shotgun shells in a rainbow of colors the kids collected before her face turned white like she tried Hope's tuna casserole (see even in the afterlife I'll still make fun of you). Thanks again Joey, best boiled peanuts I ever had and some of them were as big as kiwi. My tongue still feels like I licked the XXXL bucket of popcorn at the movie theatre, but it was worth it.

That brings us to Halloween, where we had a Nathan zombie (I'm dying to see that movie Zombieland with Woody from Cheers as I love horror movies and that one looks great --- that reminds me I watch the movie 1408 with John Cusack about a week ago. Since I love horror movies and his typical quirky off-beat characters/movies I thought it would be great. The movie was good until towards the end, where you learned he recently lost his daughter. In the haunted hotel room he could communicate with and even hug his daughter. Just hearing his daughter's voice made me long to hear Hope's so much. Watching those scenes was incredibly difficult as I sat in the family room alone feeling like the only person on earth, ironically it was the same thing his character was going through trying to escape the room. It's a decent movie, but don't watch it if you recently lost a loved one) and Reese was Commander Rex from the Star Wars Clone Wars movie. We went to a huge neighborhood party on Friday where a bunch of friends unplanned came back to the house.

The Mozz, a great old friend since I moved to FLA at age 11 even came over because he was in town unexpectedly for the weekend. He's lived in the Middle East for the last 18 years or so and then Africa more recently running a resort in Zanzibar. To make a very interesting and long story short and boring on purpose, welcome back Mozz and if I ever am short on cash I'm taking you back to the Zanzibarian government to collect my reward. Anyway waves of friends kept coming over until the last group arrived around 2 AM. They stayed until 4:30 AM and even one lucky lady spent the night because she had a 45 minute drive. I used all my best moves and before I could finish my prayer that the Celts big 3 stay healthy this year to keep the evil purple and gold from catching up with us for championships (I'm sure that's what she was thinking about too between the snores) she was alone and asleep in the man's room. I'm still 0 for 36 years and counting except the two times with Hope, thank goodness for her kindness and pity on me. That of course is the perfect segway to the title of this blog, I'm pregnant.

Now I know some of you naysayers, doctors, folks with a brain, etc. may doubt this but my office assistant Jamie did a thorough examination via e-mail so I know it's true (I'm still waiting for some one else to do a more thorough exam but until then the long showers help). I felt light headed and nauseous one morning getting out of the shower after a run while I had a hankering for pickles and ice cream so there was no other logical conclusion. Jamie knew from her schoolin' growing up in Umatilla (I could not make that up if I wanted to) where they learned her about the Virgin Mary getting knocked up without relations so that had to be what happened to me except she then recalled the anti-christ would be visiting us earthlings again soon. So the conclusion is that I'm carrying a demon child (kind of like my mom's second child --- I love you brother!).

So I figured despite my condition because I'm carrying a demon I would not follow through with all of the standard pregnancy rules, such as I think caffeine and alcohol should be encouraged for a demon child. I'm doing my best to follow through on those, espeically the latter. I need to stop exercising and stay on a strict hot wing and potato skin diet to give him more room to grow (look at that, I'm already calling him a him --- I'm tearing up). Where are your menstruals because I think I'm getting some of those cramps? Please let me know if you think my breasts are getting larger but don't stare, it makes me uncomfortable. You know I have eyes men!!! It's so disrespectful toward us pregnant man/women. I wonder if I'll have an outy? Are they all outies eventually when you go full term? What is full term for a man with a demon, is it like the elephant or more like women? Man my nipples are aching which brings me back to my bachelor party and Dirty Dave I'll never forgive you for the pain you put me through that night (now while that may sound like a gay moment I assure you it wasn't but while I can't tell you in mixed company exactly what they were doing I can tell you the nipple scabbing on me barely healed in time for the honeymoon. For the first time ever in the history of mankind you could hear a man in my house say, "not tonight honey I'm saving it for the honeymoon.")

Back to texting lingo, HSICBWLTWJBPOF. What you don't know that one? That's Hope's family texting after they read this blog saying Holy Shit I Can't Believe We Let This Whack Job Be Part Of the Family. Too late my friends, I already said "back back no take backs" so it's permanent now. Those are society's rules, I don't make them up I just live by them so we don't have lawlessness. That reminds me of a few others like when you say the same thing at the same time you say "jinx you owe me a coke," or touch a screw and lift your feet when you cross a railroad in the car, or like on the episode of Webster (now who remembers Webster, our second early 80's fetish with a midgetesque black child --- Gary Coleman being the first, "What you talking about Willis?") where he would say "Reggie Jackson Bless You" after somebody sneezed because he was mad at God for taking away his parents, or arguing with the front desk when you check out of a hotel that you shouldn't have to pay for the entire adult movie since you only watched 10 minutes of it. Those are society's rules, without them lawlessness (I'm sorry but I just like typing and saying that word).

Halloween, speaking of lawlessness (see how I worked that in again and provided a smooth segway beyond my unsual anywho), was incredible. We must have trick-or-treated with over 30 kids and even more parents pulling wagons of cold beverages for the kids because it was hot down here (maybe a few cold ones for the adults too, after all my Mom was there and you know how she gets on a Saturday night if she doesn't get her PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon for non-texters or anyone under the age of 30) sixpack by 7 PM). The kids loved it, Nathan and Reese lead the way sprinting from house to house hitting many of them twice. They each had two huge bags filled with candy. If only I liked chocolate, but who knows with the way my hormones are screaming from the demon child maybe I'll start to like chocolate again. I also decided to dress up like Tim Tebow complete with scriptures on my black eye gunk (I think that's the technical term for it) and strut around Gainesville so I could see what it's like to have women from age 18 to 81 throwing themselves at you. Engineering groupies while a huge group and very active, don't even come close to living up to the Tebow throwdowns.

I've got to finish this up, so I'll leave you with two things Reese said recently. The first I was sitting on the toilet with Mocha laying on my shorts/underwear like always between my legs, both boys in talking to me (if you read previous blogs you know why I don't even bother closing the door anymore unless we have company and even that is 50/50), when Reese said in the sweetest voice ever, "don't you wish you could still talk to mommy?" I started to tear up, was about to explain how I do every day as does he, I'd give anything for just a few more moments with mommy, how there's nothing more I want then to have one more conversation with her, and all of these emotions were overwhelming me while Mocha licked her butt on my shorts. Before I could utter one word he then said, Mr. Crabs is funny when he says "fire on the poop deck Dad." And you thought my blogs were random, how about a five-year-old's mind? Going from one of the most insightful thoughts about death to Spongebob quotes in a matter of seconds, you have to love kids. We can all learn a lot.

Second Reese story was that out of the blue he said I want to be 14 so I can trick-or-treat past 9 PM. Somehow this came up on Halloween and that was the number discussed, don't ask me why I made up such a dumb rule on the fly. Anywho (at least I worked in one this blog), Natedog said turning 16 would be better then he could drive. Nana chimed in, then Nathan can drive you around everywhere Reese. Reese responded with, "then would Nathan be my daddy?" As always I love to hear from anyone that actually gets through reading these blogs, happy November, and if you know the gestation period for a demon child please let me know. I'm not sure about the date of the immaculate conception, but my best guess is was on the 25 cent wing and all the chili you can eat night at Beef O's because I felt like something exploded inside and out of me that night. I'm registered at Babies R Us and nobody has stepped up to throw my shower so if you act fast you could be the lucky winner to throw my party.

Blogging Break

For the first time ever I went back and reread a blog I wrote. I hope the rest weren't as badly written as the last one. I remembered writing it on multiple sit downs because it was so raw and emotional it was taking too much out of me. Interruptions like the boys didn't help, I remember wiping away tears and trying to talk to them when I was typing it if they needed something. It was obviously disjointed and emotional, and I'm disappointed that I think I did a terrible job portraying how I was really feeling. I was telling too much, not letting you feel the pain I was trying describe. Anyway, after that last blog I had to take a break. Those 36 hours were so incredibly difficult on my psyche I don't think I'll ever be the same but I mean that in a good way. Reflecting back now a bit, I first of all can never thank Man-Marie enough for being there both days for me. Second, I really miss wearing my ring. I still feel weird without it and want to rub it or rotate it around my finger at times. Some day I hope to go back and read all of the other blogs (like my new friend Jen just did in one night --- now of course she wants her night back like a refund at Walmart because all of their stuff is crap anyway but you know that going in, only she didn't know the blogs were crap going in so I feel like I owe her).


I'm not emotionally ready yet, but some day I hope to read them with the kids. A lot of people have suggested I try to get them published in a book. I can't imagine how that would go over because so much of it is too emotional. However if anyone knows anything about doing so e-mail me or send me a comment please. I'd consider it, because if it just helps one child that lost their parent or helps one spouse that lost their better half it would all be worth it. Of course I hear all the time that nobody gets my references like when Woody in Cheers became an English snob and could not relate to the rest of the bar anymore. I think a book audience would wander too much but you never know, you guys are reading this right now (you are right, right?). Anywho, I am back now blogging and hope to keep it up much more often. The emotions are not as raw so I should be able to emotionally keep it up now (man it's hard to not make a penis joke right now but out of respect for Hope's family and in honor of my office and The Office (TV show) "that's what she said." BTW (that's me showing off my texting ability for the record, I also have learned lmfao (Missy taught me that one), ttyl (andrea taught me that one), fscfr (Christine at BC taught me that one), and hsmhihgo (anonymous taught me that one). FTR (for the record) fscfr is Flipside crackers freakin' rule and hsmhihgo is holy shit my husband is home get out. Anyway they are good pointers for you out there new at texting. I just got an iPhone since the last blog and I love it. Porn at my finger tips (or directions to bible study) anytime anywhere. Ain't progress grand?


I almost named this blog hairy chest after Reese (similar to hairy penis only different hair ftr) but thought after sitting with Hope's dad, step mom, two sisters, brother and other relatives trying to explain the hairy penis I'd stick with something less catchy this time around. I mention hairy chest because I was running late one night (go figure) getting ready to go out to a work function when I ran into the living room to check on the boys after a shower in only a towel and sweet 16 year old next door neighbor was just about to come over when I told the boys they needed to come back into my bathroom for brushing and jammers. Reese asked why and I said she cannot see me like this when he thoughtfully asked, she cannot see your hairy chest? Of course keep in mind this is from the least shy boy when it comes to nakedness you could ever meet, he tells Lindsay to go back home and put her jammers on when she comes over or will strip down in a moment's notice at the pool in front of anyone when he's ready to change. It's too bad we lose that innocence and spontenaity because then I could see way more boobs (what I mean by that is we should let men and women be equal across the board with wages, war duties, and no tops at beaches, pools, convertibles, etc. --- yes I'm always looking out for your equality ladies) just like in the Keys at hour hotel, clothing tops optional should become universal for the equality of it all. How much more interested would the Silicone Cindy's be (for those of you that are longer term readers) if we had the equality for tops (or not tops depending on how you look at it). Think of the money you'd save, what's a bra cost nowadays like $30 or $40 bucks? I am hear to stand up for women's rights and I think at least half of the population would support me on this which is higher then Obama's approval right now.


Speaking of my trip to see Hope's family in Tampa, we went to Weechi Wachi Springs which is the oldest theme park type place in Florida built in the 40's. They are famous for an underwater mermaid show. Well, after that experience (except for the disturbing fact that they do the little mermaid and say over and over again she's only 15 --- they should at least say 18 for us old man perverts) I have a total mermaid fetish. Darryl Hannah in Splash could walk when she was dry so it's the best of both worlds. If anyone knows a mermaid I could hook up with for Halloween or any other day please let me know. It's not the same as roller derby girls (Traci and Shelby) or naughty nurses (Tina and Anna) so if all else fails put on a tail and swim on over here. Since I know Hope's family reads this please back me up on the mermaid fetish, talk about getting some tail...oh come on you had to know that comment was coming!


Reese recently had a bad dream and woke up, walked downstairs, and generally was just in a fog. He told me he had a nightmare and that he lost his screamy. I asked what he meant and he said he tried to scream but lost his screamy. It was so cute but also worrisome for him and at the same time it broke my heart. That's one of those bad dad moments when you just wish you could have run upstairs and been there for him to be the superhero. You hold him tight, rock him back to sleep, and tell him Daddy's here and it will all be okay. I imagine that's what Bobby Bowden's wife has been doing lately. After losing to UM, almost losing to Jax State, and then getting beat by every recruit you didn't bring into school last weekend by USF he probably needs to get rocked to sleep. The Pats almost started 0-2, but looked great last week so there's still some promise for our season. The Sox are in the playoffs (unofficially but a lock in my book that nobody cares about) and I love how we're toying with the Yankees. We beat them 8 straight to start the season and then let them beat us like 9 out of 10 times along with running away with the division just to falsely build up their confidence to take them down in the playoffs. I mention them because coming up is my sports trifecta weekend, Sox on Friday, FSU/BC on Saturday, and Pats on Sunday. I can't wait, and we even got free tickets to the Sox and Pats and only had to pay face value for the Noles so that just leaves more money for the church donation bucket/hat thingy on Sunday as we pray for the Pats to beat the Ravens (only because I have a bet with a friend on the game and she has to learn that the Pats always prevail). ESPN Gameday will be at the FSU game and Hope always had a crush on Kirk Herbstreit (he was always at the top of her list) so I'll be giving him an awkward kiss from her.

Both boys are loving school and things could not be better with the afternoon babysitter friend. Nathan had 9 friends sleep over last Friday for his birthday and tomorrow night we'll celebrate his real birthday with some family and a couple of friends. You should have seen me keeping up with 9 kids seven and eight year olds, it was a blast. We swam, played games, did the usual presents/food/dessert stuff, and then watched movies, threw water balloons, you name it. Nathan loved it and I think his buddies did too, including the two girls that slept over. At what age does that need to stop, six? Reese's birthday is the following week so we'll do it all over again just with shorter people. Nathan's birthday was really hard but was such a whirlwind with all the people here that the only time I got upset about Hope not being there in body was when Nathan was making a wish. What else can you wish for but that your Mommy be alive or that your Daddy be safe? It's all I could think about when most kids just want a new scooter. He's been through so much and it amazes me how well both boys are doing. They are much stronger then me, but I know they are and it gives me strength.

I gave all of Hope's things away to a women's shelter which felt really great. The last items I had were the American Cancer Society stuff that I thought others could use. I intentionally went by their office at lunch time hoping to just ditch and run as I did not want to get into all a big discussion about Hope there on that day. The office was empty except one lady saw me walk in with the huge bag. She was sweet, I explained what the stuff was, she asked if I wanted a receipt and I declined, and then as I'm walking out the door she asks me my name. I told her and proceeded to walk out again. She stopped me again and asked for the person's name that had this stuff. I told her it was my wife Hope and really tried to get out of there when she asked me, are you Jake Wise??? Before I could answer she started asking me all about the boys, said how much she loved Hope, what an inspiration she was, wanted to know all about how and what we were doing, you name it. It was so sweet but emotionally draining to hear again. Please don't think I'm saying not to talk about Hope, it's just at certain times I'm not up for it. For example at Hope's brother's house before I saw the mermaids, over the course of 2 days no one brought her name up even once except me a couple of times. Even when I did nobody else said a word. At those times I HOPE you do talk about her but more importantly I HOPE people aren't trying to watch their words around me. I always say what I think, blog what I think, and out of respect please do the same with me. We are all way too PC nowadays and it would be better if we returned closer to our childish innocence.

I am feeling great right now, the boys are in a groove, we are having fun together almost all the time, and the weather is just starting to cool as we approach Hope's favorite time of the year. I know Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hope's birthday, my birthday, Christmas, New Year's, the anniversary of her passing, etc will be tough, but I think I'm in the position to handle them better with the boys alongside. We'll take them on together one day at a time. I will keep blogging and more often again, I'm like the Hoff's career as every time you think (and most of you wish) it's dead it just keeps coming back. I'll be here updating you on Saved By the Bell until at least Tiffany Amber hits the wall (uh-oh, too late). It's too bad we all have to get old, but at least I have mermaids and SBTB (my new texting lingo for the show and only for me to use) reruns, enough to get any growing man through the day.

36 Hours of Needed Torture

From about 9 AM Friday morning as we were trying to leave for the Hospice groundbreaking until 9 PM Saturday night as I just finished up going through all of Hope's things I experienced what had to be the toughest 36 hours straight since Hope passed away and even comparable to any other period of the same except maybe that fateful Thanksgiving weekend in the ER. Let's start from the beginning, Friday morning at 10 AM was the hospice groundbreaking they asked me to speak and tell our story about our hospice experience. I was trying to slam out a project and then 9 AM came around and I realized not only did I need to leave in a few minutes but I hadn't prepared at all for what I would say. I was the same way for Hope's celebration, I had no idea what I was going to say until I jotted down a few notes over about a 15 minute period before we left back on January 11th and on Friday I only had the time during the 20 minute drive on the way up along with fielding phone calls. I was supposed to drive myself because I had a meeting immediately following but since I could not drive and write down any notes Erin was kind enough to do so so I had a few minutes to put thoughts together.

While I was thinking about our hospice experience I also was thinking about all of the groundbreakings I normally go to for projects. This one was different, it meant so much more. I had to get that point across along with our story. When we got there it was about 95 degrees with no breeze so everyone was warm. The turnout was incredible, easily a couple hundred people. They put me last on the list of 5 speakers which I thought was good, gave me a few more minutes to think about what I might say. Back to the the typical groundbreakings, I wear my company logo shirt, shake hands, fake smile, kiss babies, and say our company name as much as possible. I help people that recognize me but can't remember the name feel comfortable by telling them first, the typical politcal feel good drill. (By the way, my job is about 50% politics, 30% arguing/defending the project, and down to about 20% technical ability. You have to have the technical ability but after that it's 80 to 90% everything you do not learn in school. If I had one bit of advice for prospective civil engineers going private sector, it's make sure you can speak in front of others with spontaneity, make sure you can defend every decision, be practible about what's worth fighting for and what's not (if you can give on something small you can hopefully win on the big stuff most important to your client or budget or timeframe), use humor as much as you can to lighten the situation, and don't take it personal. I've been called a liar more times then I can remember, had the public yell at me, been threatened to the point that I was afraid to walk to my car, I have been accused of twice killing a neighbor to one of our projects by their spouse, and my favorite was that I was going to hell by a pastor/minister.) --- I'm telling you I'm getting much worse with long sidenotes.

Back to the speech, all the others were long drawn out thank you's. Right before I went up Ann-Marie who was sitting next to me told me not to mention penises and vaginas like I did at the church for Hope's celebration so then I really had nothing to say. I went up to the makeshift stage/podium and said I was the civil engineer of record for the project, recently had a hospice experience with the same group so much of the crowd was definitely friendly towards me before I even spoke, and then talked about how this groundbreaking was different, not wearing a logo shirt, not mentioning my company name (CEG), but was willing to kiss any babies available. I then mentioned our company name about 10 times during the presentation which always got a laugh, but only mentioned my wife and never her name. I talked about how my kids called hospice the potato chip place because they were always hopped up on chips on soda while there, gave intimate details about hopsice's first introduction to me, decorating Hope's room, making her comfortable, coming home, going back on Christmas eve, etc. In the end I said I never mentioned my wife's name, and it was HOPE. I hoped everyone could donate to the non-profit hospice, could hope to help others, and in case you missed it my company's name was CEG. I had so many people come up to me afterwards with kind words including one gentleman I worked with over 15 years ago that told me he was going to donate $1000 in Hope's name.

All in all it went well but it really took a toll on me mentally. Erin who had driven me there could see it at the end and started to make up a story about how late we were for the next meeting just to get me out of there. We went to the next meeting, and then on the way back to the office I met two of my partners that had been feuding for a 2.5 hour painful lunch discussion that was beneficial but produced less then I had hoped. Then it was back to the office and before I knew it I was sucked backed into another hour long discussion between the partners. I had absolutely nothing left in me mentally. That night I was looking forward to getting the band back together, Glen and Shannon, Jen, Roo, and Ann-Marie (a couple of others were supposed to come but never showed).

Roo and Man-Marie were with me every day at hospice and when Hope was home, and they started telling stories about her back then. Well Hope became angry and mean towards the end which is only to be expected, and of course it was nothing anyone took personally. However she did things that were just not her personality at all so they were telling story after story. I was laughing along with everyone but then the weight of the earlier part of the day and this discussion really started to bring me down. I felt so isolated, lonely, at times overwhelmed, and even felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack at one point. I went to the bathroom and by the time I got back the subject had changed so I started to feel better. It was one of the first times Roo and Ann-Marie had got together so it was only natural with a couple of other of Hope’s best friends they would talk about it. I wasn’t mad at all, just disappointed in myself. Ann-Marie confided in me that they changed the subject when I got up thinking it might be too much. You just have to love friends that know you so well. I've said it so many times, I'm one lucky dude no matter what I have been through and continue to experience.

That was nothing compared to Saturday. We did our normal play date at our neighborhood park first thing in the morning, had everyone back to our house for swimming and lunch until early afternoon. Then the boys were off to a friend’s house and Ann-Marie came over. We spent the next 6 hours going through everything of Hope’s from the shampoos in the shower, all of her jewelry, make-up, juices, creams, and then her entire closet. Both of us cried a lot, at times I was so overwhelmed I had to walk away and sobbed so hard I fell to the floor. Little things that reminded me of her just took me down like a pair of pajamas, unpacking her hospice bag which I had never done, unwrapped gifts, little memories that would not mean a thing to anyone else. I could not even see through my contacts anymore as everything became foggy. It was kind of like how Wayne saw Tina Carrere in the first Wayne’s World while Dream Weaver was playing over her hard rock music in his head. Except for me it wasn’t Dream Weaver, I was trying to let Hope go more in one major step.

It wasn’t all hard, we found things that made us laugh. At the end I have 6 huge black trash bags of clothes ranging in size from 10 to 2, and the 2’s toward the end were hanging off her like on Spongebob when the evil plankton shrinks every into being a baby. I am taking them today to a woman’s shelter. I imagine that is wear women go when they have no place else for retraining because they failed as a wife by not having dinner hot and ready when her man came home or to relearn how to vacuum, cook, fetch us slippers and another beer, and change the baby while we men get our much needed downtime by boozing and catching up on sports. Seriously it feels really good that we will be able to help so many women that have been through tough times at the shelter and I know Hope would be proud to do it. Now people need help more then ever. We put together one large tupperware tub of the things that reminded us the most of Hope. That way in the future I could go through it with the boys. We saved her other favorite clothes to make 2 quilts and 2 teddy bears, one each for the boys.

We have a few other things to take to Goodwill and back to the American Cancer Society, but those will have to be another day as we are out of room in her Durango. Then came the toughest part of the entire weekend. I had picked up the boys, got them to bed, and was by myself in the house. After over 12 years of never taking it off, rubbing it incessantly through some of my hardest hours when Hope was dying, fidgeting with it all the time when I was bored or nervous about something, I finally took my wedding ring off. It feels so strange, I imagine what a dog feels like after they’re neutered. You’re sniffing around and running aimlessly as you know something is missing that was such a huge part of your life for so long, but yet it’s something relatively minor to everyone else in the world. That night was one of the hardest ever, just walking towards her closet and seeing the stark white walls I would start to cry. Hope’s mom came over the next day to get some things I thought she’d want and she could not even go near the closet. My mom came over later and just sobbed too when she saw it. It’s something that had to happen some time and has been hanging over my head for 7 months, but it was much harder to do then I ever imagined. I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about it and I’m crying just trying to type this blog, but I know it’s a major step in my progress. I don’t love or miss her any less, but I am one major step closer to being whole again without her here physically which is something we talked about over and over again as she was passing away.

So the next morning like a moron I decided to go through the entire kitchen too. I put together another huge bag of good for Goodwill as I spent 4 hours or so doing that. I’m still not sure how I feel about all of this, except that I am relieved that I did it. I will never be able to thank Man-Marie enough for being here to do it. My finger feels weird, I feel like I’m parading through town without pants on. Some people I saw on Sunday noticed right away, others either didn’t notice or didn’t say anything. I still feel foggy on Monday after so much emotion over the weekend but especially that first 36 hours Friday and Saturday. I talked it all through with the boys and they’re good with it, but we had a really tough on me conversation over breakfast Sunday morning about why I took the ring off, about how much I’ll always love Mommy, that some day they could have a stepmom as Nathan asked me that directly, even though we talked about it before. I walked them both through her closet, showed them the stuff we kept and what we’re giving away to help others that need it like giving kids with no toys our old toys. We do that every Christmas and they love to get thank you’s and sometimes pictures depending if we pick a certain family or just give to a charity.

I think they get it, I’m still working on it, but I know the fog will clear, my finger will tan or probably burn the first time it sees the sun, that sick feeling will leave my stomach, and I can slowly start looking for Ms. Right or Ms. Rightnow according to Robin Williams (the first time I typed that I put in Mrs. instead of Ms. and luckily not Mr. so just to be clear I’m not looking for married women or men, at least not right now --- okay just to be clear not married or single men, no men at all but not that there’s anything wrong with that). My 36 hours of torture is over, now the hard part really begins…

Hairy Penis?

I came home from work the other day after spending half the day at construction job sites sweating with water pouring off me as badly as Rambo in First Blood when Brian Denehy was spraying him down naked with a fire hose (by the way is anyone suprised he was roiding up looking back at these movies? --- maybe it affects your speech too except that Hulk Hogan never stops talking so I'll have to rethink that theory, "Bottom line brotha'...") so I could not wait to change clothes and jump in the pool. The boys always come running out to the garage when they hear me open the door and attach themselves to me like Scooby Doo in Shaggy's arms (Zoik's and Barnacles are my two favorite cartoon expressions for those of you wondering and I'm sure it's been eating at you to know) normally as I have to start walking around like Frankenstein just to balance myself. Anyway on this day Reese followed me into my bathroom where I changed clothes to get my bathing suit on and he asked, "Daddy why do you have a hairy penis?" As I promised Hope I would do I was completely honest and explained to him puberty, showed him hair under my arms, my chest, goatee, my ears and nose unfortunately.

That reminded me of two stories I told at Hope's celebration. One was when I told the kids they could no longer use potty language unless they were in the bathroom (I remember in my head at the time thinking I'm the greatest parent ever and this is really easy to do) so Reese promptly went over the to bathroom, stuck just his foot in it, and said "Daddy is a poopyhead." To this day that's still our rule because I love that he outsmarted me. The second was a time when Natedog asked what sex was. This was when Hope was alive but she could not really talk because of her tongue surgery. So I went on to explain in front of her about penises, vaginas, when two people really love each other or have too much to drink (maybe that wasn't word for word) and covered the other basics. When I was done with the uncomfortable discussion he said to me, "I thought it was just if you were a boy or a girl." Hope laughed as I just blushed before she feverishly wrote down on her note pad to always ask what they think it is first. She was the best mom ever right up to the end, and I'm now withdrawing my name for consideration in the parenting hall of fame.

I went to the kids two open houses back to back this week and while I love all 3 of their teachers (Nathan has 2 because he's in a combined first and second grade class) the open houses are so uncomfortable. They're informative but when you're as tall as me and sit for 120 minutes in those tiny chairs with tiny tables you cannot tuck your legs under you feel like a fat guy in a little coat (classic Tommy Boy line that my boys now quote since they've seen the movie (thank you Maria for the prompting) --- Nathan all the time now points to his cheek and says ..."not here, not here, but right here."). In their classrooms I felt like the tiny hand guy in the Burger King commercials holding the double cheeseburger. By the way, don't we all have a friend we remember with tiny hands or feet? It was Rambling Randy when we were growing up, he could trade shoes with any girl in our class. Hope had the longest fingers and Jennifer (I'll leave the last name out to protect the innocent) had the shortest. Why do I remember such useless information???

I was paying some bills earlier tonight and I always think it's funny that because Hope was so ultra organized last year she ordered holiday stamps and sticker return addresses from the Wise Family with pictures of all 4 of us with santa hats on in order to get a head start on Christmas cards. Of course we never got to those last year but now every bill I pay I put the Christmas return address sticker on the envelope along with a Christmas stamp. Does anyone write real letters anymore or is it just twitters, FB messages, and if you're really old school e-mails and blogs? I have to admit I'm a texting addict and I've been told by the ladies I give good text. Then they tell me how they "just want to be friends." Oh my God it's just like junior high and high school all over again. "It's not you, it's me." "I value our friendship too much to risk losing it over a relationship." "You're ugly and will never amount to anything." The last one was from Mom when I was feeling down. I'm sure you meant that to motivate me Mom, right? Right!?!

I took the boys with some friends to a minor league baseball game last night. They loved it. They each caught a foul ball (I still never have despite going to dozens of games in my lifetime --- the closest I ever got was on dollar Corona night when I was in the beer line and one landed in front of me, I saw it, focused in on it, looked closer, looked around, thought about my bible studies I had spent most of my day focusing on earlier, and then proceeded to slowly bend over to pick it up when I put my hand on top of another man's. It felt like one of those uncomfortable Bromance moments from the movie I Love You Man and somehow I missed the ball. The other second closest time was when I was getting a beer and food (notice a theme) at a Red Sox Spring training game and upon my return the older gentlemen we had made friends with told us Tony Pena hit a foul ball that bounced off my seat. I'm sneaking into their rooms tonight and stealing their balls to call them my own the lucky little punks. Of course now they'll expect to get balls every game and probably be upset if they don't get one. Oh well, for one night they both ran around like they just beat Ivan Drago in Rocky IV.

That reminds me of when Hope recovered after her second battle with cancer I had missed a lot of work and my office really stepped up to help out. As a thank you I bought a suite for a game and took the entire office. While I made the reservation they asked me why and I explained Hope's situation. I then asked if there was any way she might be able to throw out the first pitch. They agreed. As always I was running late so I was hurrying Hope to the field and down to third base where they told me to be for her throw it out. I knew she would never do it if I told her ahead of time so I didn't. Nathan was scurrying behind us at only 3 years old and as she's asking me why we're going down here instead of up to the suite she hears over the PA system, "and throwing out the first pitch tonight Hope and Nathan Wise." She grabs my hand with the meanest look she could ever muster (it was still somewhere between Mary Poppins and Mrs. Doubtfire because Hope just couldn't be mean) and says sternly with a squeeze so hard I swear her fingernails touched through the middle of my arm, "What did you do?!?" She's then hurried out to the mound and proceeds to throw out the first pitch. Nathan was so scared he refused to throw a ball. The catcher then came up, gave them both a ball, and then pulls out an autographed jersey by the entire team. Someone else in my office had called ahead, told them Hope's story, and they decided to do the jersey on their own.

The second movie I have rented since Hope passed was a horror movie which Hope and I love to watch together. Give her a Saw movie, Exorcist, or I Know What You Did Last Summer and she's good to go. By the way who doesn't love a Jennifer Love movie (Hope was a junkie when it came to watching Party of Five and Jennifer Love Hewitt used to be on my list so I only call her Jennifer Lovvvvve to this day) when she's running around in the rain in a white wife beater tank top? Now that's script writing! Anywho, I rented my first horror movie since she passed and I found myself in Blockbuster talking to Hope like I used to on my cellular while she sat in the car with the kids telling her we were going to watch the movie together tonight, just the two of us. I even made my old school popcorn instead of microwave popcorn with real kernels on the stove top like we used to every night in college. It felt like just the two of us that night and I had no regrets that I stayed in even though both boys were spending the night elsewhere. I previously blogged about all of the tough qualities someone would have to overcome to fall in love with me, and this just adds to the list. I know I'm a work in progress at best but I truly feel great and better every day right now.

Today is the hospice groundbreaking for the new building. They asked me to be the last speaker and I haven't even thought about what I'm going to say. I feel so good helping families in need like we were last November and December. I will always be indebted to the Wuesthoff Hospice staff as most of your probably read before in my fundraising letter I wrote to help them out. I just Hope I keep it together like I somehow did for Hope's celebration, I know she'll be there giving me strength. Hope's Mom, my mom, and Hope's best friend Man-Marie will all be there. I've probably donated close to $10k in company time to this project and could not feel better about despite the fact we're hurting so much for work right now. I even offered to purchase 12 flat screen TV's for the 12 individual rooms so the families can have more room and not need large TV cabinets. They did so much for us there is no dollar amount you can put on it. Think of me and send me strength at 10 AM this morning.

In my last blog I talked about how I'm going back much closer to the old me. We've been doing just that. In fact since last Friday I went out with a great friend and my neighbors to listen to live music on the river and then struggled to find real food late before finally settling in on some BBQ; Sat morning we did the sports neighborhood ball playing then had everyone back to our house for a huge pool party and lunch until late afternoon; then we went to Melbourne Beach because the waves were huge due to Hurricane Bill with some friends staying over there as Natedog spent the night, Reese went to Gran's, and I rented the horror movie; Sunday morning I cleaned out and reorganized the garage as it rained; Sunday early afternoon Reese and I borrowed John's truck and added a new 8-foot tall member to our family you just have to come by and see to believe; then late Sunday afternoon back to the beach for the rest of the night for a birthday party for one of Natedog's friends. Monday after work was hairy penis night as we swam in the pool, Tuesday was the two open houses, Wed was the baseball game, Thursday I grilled chicken and made the fancy mac and cheese before we went to Home Depot and Marble Slab for way too much ice cream, tonight we're getting the band back together (who doesn't love the first and only in my opinion Blue's Brothers movie?) with about a dozen high school friends as Glen is visiting from Alabama, Saturday morning we're doing the sports again, Saturday mid-day until late Ann-Marie and I are going through Hope's things for the first time (thanks to Tracy at the kids' school I'm back on track to get that done and do a quilt or two of her clothes), and Sunday we're going back to the beach.

I'm only telling you this because I'm back baby, just like Paul Newman at the end of Color of Money (by the way I don't think Tom Cruise gets enough credit for being such a good actor --- I know it was a stretch for him to play a cocky young guy in that movie which was so different then Top Gun, Risky Business, Jerry Maguire, Mission Impossible, A Few Good Men, Days of Thunder, Cocktail, and even the old school movies like The Outsiders and the football movie when he grew up in the mining town (it was like Varsity Blues only different in so many ways --- don't you love when people describe something like that?) Okay, maybe it's not always a stretch the roles he's played but I still think almost all of his movies are great to outstanding and even though Eyes Wide Shut was horrible thank you Nicole Kidman). Wow, my wandering thoughts are getting worse. I have to go wake up the kids for school, my hairy penis and I are going to suck the life out of every moment today and over the weekend once again. I am one lucky son-of-a-bitch with the greatest family of five here at the house (you can't forget Mocha Polka and of course our newest edition next time you visit which by the way is named Uncle Mert and when you come by I'll tell you why).

Time

Time is such a simple concept, kids get it when they're young, we all rely on it everyday in almost every aspect of our life, and even though it's our single most valuable resource we don't seem to appreciate it enough and so many of us take it for granted. "I'll have time later," "Not now I don't have time," "It's time for bed so stop having fun," and my favorite "time out" like you're stopping time in it's place. The boys normally do that when I'm about to slam them, throw them across the pool, or during an MMA event when Icarly is fighting Shelby Marks she just calls time out and nobody knows if that is against the rules or not. I love blogging, love spending time with the boys, love playing and watching sports, love just hanging with friends in almost any social situation, love seeing and talking to family via phone or even better during visits, and love potato chips, popcorn, movies, the female body, being outside, exercising my brain and what's left of this body, parts of my work, landscaping at home, playing, and most importantly as I tell the boys all the time I love loving. I love when they give me some sugar as Hope always put it.

So this weekend I decided while sitting at a picnic bench with some friends in my neighborhood (more on that later) that I'm not quite going all the way back to the old me but getting pretty close again. I'm done with the staying quiet at home and trying not to do too much shit because it's just not me. Being boring is boring and I'm not boring. I spent all day today working on the pool deck and in the yard while I wasn't playing with the kids and then decided to have an impromptu cookout. I called 5 sets of friends and 4 came over within a few hours (actually a couple had called me earlier in the day and I wanted to call a couple more but just ran out of time), I told them 4:30 to 5 and did not get back from the grocery store until 4:50 PM. Luckily they all know me well enough to not show up on time. We had 17 for dinner on the spur of the moment, and all I had to buy was buns, steak, and green beans. The rest we already had, my recycle bin is full of beer bottles, we ate like kings steak, brats, dogs, mac and cheese, pilaf, and thanks to my neighbors yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Everyone seemed to have a great time and that's just what I love to do. The boys enjoyed, and that's how I want to spend my time.

I have said many times on this blog that 2009 sucks and I just want it over. Hope passed, the economy sucks, I felt overwhelmed at times keeping up with everything, so I just wanted time to pass faster to get to the point that I knew I would feel better and be doing better. Rach was the first to tell me to enjoy the journey more, not concentrate on the finish line. She's right, I don't want 2009 to end, I want it to slow down, and let me catch up with everything I've missed. I want my boys to enjoy themselves and their friends more and most importantly spend more time with me. I rented a movie for the first time since before Hope passed when I was sitting at hospice for days on end and it was I Love You Man, a real bromance as I remember the previews said. It was okay, nothing compared to the Hangover, Fletch, Tommy Boy, the first Naked Gun, A Fish Called Wanda, Wedding Crashers, or any of the other classic comedies. However I could relate to the guy, trying to make new friends, fitting in with a new set of personal circumstances, etc. except for the part when the guy tongue kissed him after dinner. That part I don't relate to yet, but if my lack of success with women continues I might just try switch hitting.

A friend Judy had an awesome idea since my fam and some others are not playing any sports this fall we should just get together and play with our own kids. This last Sat morning was the first ever playground get together and it was great. We played soccer mostly, but brought footballs, frisbees, dodge balls (who doesn't love this sport from my generation, any chance to whiz a ball as hard as you can just for the chance to nail someone in the family jewels --- I remember Mr. Beeker at Audubon Elementary School when I first moved to Florida whizzing the ball as hard as he could at us kids. I remember nailing him at least once as he tried to leap over the ball but it rose because I threw side arm sometimes and I'm not sure if he was able to have kids after that experience.) We played rents against the kids and the kids of course dominated with the exception of a kick from Tom the entire length of the field. Afterwards all of the kids piled into Todd's truck to go about 500 feet to the playground.

Which of course got us onto the subject of when we were kids we all rode everywhere in the back of trucks. My brother even fell out of a truck once on the way to a canoeing trip. He seemed fine, we certainly didn't want that to hold us up from getting up there, and now that I think of it the fall actually explains a lot about his behavior and decision making over the last two decades. Now all you see in the back of trucks is the occasional dog and rent-a-bum day workers on their way to a job. Otherwise, and I'm not sure if it's against the law or not, it just doesn't happen anymore. Hell, you even have to wear a helmet bike riding, skateboarding, scootering (I think I just made up that word), and even horseback riding. Do they wear them sledding, snow boarding, and skiing now too? Pretty soon we'll have to wear them driving, diving in the pool, or playing on the playground. Not in my day, it was I hope you didn't get that shirt dirty when you fell out of the tree.

The other day I had city council meeting so Reese went from babysitter in the morning, to nanny in the afternoon, to Gran in the evening and when Gran was tucking Reese into bed he said the sweetest thing. "Dad did not get to play with me all day" in the most sympathetic voice for me possible. He was worried about me because I did not get to enjoy playing with him. That's exactly how I feel on those types of days as I'm sure all parents do but he actually gets it and put it into words. Amazing! He also said the other day out of the blue that he wants to see mommy when she comes back alive. Now we taught him growing up and I still believe that you leave your body but your soul continues to live and someday you are reborn into a new body but with your same soul. I believe this because I believe we've all had past lives. Now I don't think we were all famous people as so many like to talk about. That got me thinking though, how do I know this will happen, how long does it take if it does happen, does that mean Hope won't possibly be there for me when I eventually pass away, or do we all make up this shit just to make ourselves feel better about the unknown. I can tell you this with all certainty (and if you read my hospice letter or blogs after Hope passed you know it's true) that Hope left this Earth for a much better place the way she looked at me one last time, smiled, and then simply left her body. That moment was unforgettable as she had not opened her eyes in many days, smiled in weeks, and the peacefulness of the moment gave me peace in my heart.

Back to the boys as I wipe away my tears because the monitor is getting foggy, they had a stuffed animal party the other day. They gathered up every stuffed animal in the entire house and put them on the family room couch. They then began collecting my underwear, dirty or clean, from the entire house and started wrapping up the animals in them. They kept laughing and saying the animals like my underwear. So next time you come over and want to help out picking up a stuffed animal you may want to reconsider unless you want to touch my underwear. Now if that is the case please come on over ladies.

Speaking of underwear, the other night Reese was in the bathroom before bed and had pooped but did not ask me to wipe his bum. I asked him about it and he said I didn't need to. So we went back in the bathroom and sure enough he tried a bit to do it himself. Their was toilet paper and poop everywhere, on the toilet, on the floor, in the waste basket, on the rug, etc. I was furious and spent at least 30 minutes cleaning up poop on everything. He just said he did not think he needed to wipe. So I then quizzed him mercilessly about asking for Daddy or whatever safeside adult is with him to help, did you ever do this before ("No daddy, no" repeatedly), what do you do when you start school on Monday (his answer for the record at first was "not tell anybody.") So we went through why it's so important to get help even at school and that when he gets older he'll learn to do it himself and most importantly was to verify once again this was definitely the only time he had done it before ("yes daddy.")

At this point he's 30 minutes late to bed so I take him upstairs and make him pee one last time as we do every night and what do I find in the upstairs bathroom? That's right, but this time it's dried up poop and toilet paper all over the place. Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean up day old dried up poop? Well let me tell you it's that's some hard shit. I'm not sure if I was more mad at the rock hard stick to whatever surface you find poop or the fact that he lied to me about never doing this before. I just lost it, cleaned it all up, tucked him in, and then proceeded to call my neighbor and tell her the entire story. She laughed so hard that I could not help but to calm down. The next day the nanny was changing his bed and found a wadded up pair of underwear under his bed that had dried up poop in it. The nanny deserves a raise already and since I was not drinking anymore I think I pulled enough hair out to look like Ed O'Neill (Al Bundy from Married with Children). By the way I saw a preview for a new show where he plays an old man married to a young hot chick. That's what I'm hoping for, a 25 year-old millionaire temptress with bad eyes and no taste that will sweep me off my feet.

What else? Oh thank you Whitney after my last blog she brought me flipside crackers and triscuits as a thank you for watching her daughter a few different days as she set up her new classroom. One night I didn't feel like cooking so I took her two kids and mine to a restaurant by myself. The five of us had the coolest conversations and one uncomfortable trip to the bathroom because I could not leave any behind and she has one daughter. So there's five of us in the bathroom together, with only one urinal and one handicap stall. Needless to say that's just one more reason I'm glad I don't have a daughter.

If Lynn in Tampa reads this blog, please send me your e-mail address. I intentionally did not respond to your first comment on the blog because you were newly diagnosed and had only read enough of the blog to see when Hope was doing well. You had not read at that point that she did eventually pass away. I cannot respond to comments on the blog and I'd like to talk to you via e-mail or more to see if I can help you or your family in any way. Our situation was very unique, and we learned so much we just want to help others. Please contact me again so maybe we can help you. Hope and I are both in much better places now, and hopefully your family can do much better then us.

Time, I'm out of it for tonight. I really do feel good, like I'm back more then ever, and I'm going to spend my time the way I want to as much as I can. I've followed the path of craziness, boringness, and now I'm seeking out one level below craziness. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places (that should be a country song and probably already is) so I'm going to search inward and play outward with the boys. Time to go, my time is up, timeout, and it's time for me to move on. Hope like I tell you every night, I love you like water, I miss you, I must move on, and I am ready to do that hopefully when time gives me the chance. I'm holding onto the rest of 2009, it's going to be a hell of a fun ride.

Tina freaking call me, Anna/Will get your asses down here and I'm thinking about your neighbor too, Ann-Marie I love you and I need you next weekend to go through Hope's stuff if you're ready, Rochelle it was great to see you even though I know you don't read this, Mom I love you and don't say it enough, Andrea I know you don't read this anymore for your own reasons but I will always be grateful, Gran and Grandmama the boys love you so much and we hope to make a trip up this year to see Grandmama, Rach keep Sister Hazel rocking, Jess and Joe you are about to initiate the most amazing experience of your life and none of us could be happier for the most deserving Mom I've ever known at the same time Pat and Danielle are close to doing the same, Gram and Gramp I still think of you every day and miss you at times as much as Hope, Sarah I think about you all the time too but don't make the connection like I should and there is nothing in this world I regret more, Dad I miss you even though you are still around, Dennis even though I never say it thank you for making Mom happy and giving us security in insecure times, Kurt I love you and you have helped me more then you will ever know, Luke you better get me Adam's e-mail address soon, Domingo and Marianne I'm sorry and I hope you are both in better places now, Shelby and Lauren I think of you guys all the time and wish I could do something to make it easier, Kari I hope you find your happiness in whatever your next adventure brings you, Kris thank you for calling, Maria I'm worried about you and want to help but I'm not sure what I can do (just know I think about you all the time), Christy your visit was inspiring and incredible, Scott and Amy we have to find a way to do it more often (and I have no idea if you guys read this), Whitney thank you for the lists and so much more, and to Natedog and Pieces I love you more than life itself and know that everything I do, I do it for you (I think I stole that line from Bryan Adams or was it Meatloaf --- by the way Hope and my song was Paradise by the Dashboard Lights by Meatloaf, if you don't know it download it and if you haven't heard it in a while play it again). That reminds me of the old BJ (bungee jumping according to Anna) 105 radio station call-outs, which is where I called to play "You're the Inspiration" by Chicago to Karen when we were dating in 5th grade. I still know every lyric to that song. Finally getting back to time, I wish I had more of it with Hope but also everyone else referenced in this e-mail tonight. I love you all and it's time I appreciate that more.

- Just Jake.