Wow!

As I'm sure everyone knows that reads my blog (previously Hope's blog that I took over only because she could not do it anymore and then ultimately it became my own sanctuary and best mental support that I did not have to pay for) that I put myself out there all the time. I type out my personal feelings about every aspect of what I have and am going through. I also because of who I am have always been joking around at the same time. Anyone that knows me well knows I don't ever put LOL or smiley faces sideways because I've always felt if you know me, you know when I'm joking and when I'm serious. If you can't tell, get to know me better then. And of course, the ridiculous cup size comments were a complete joke. I know my limitations, I'm not the best looking guy, not the biggest guy, not the smartest guy, not the richest guy, not the easiest guy and the list can go on and on.

However, I might be the most compassionate and/or passionate guy about every aspect of my life as I don't do anything half way. I'm either 110% in, or not at all in anything I do. If I say I'm going to do something it either happens or I kill myself trying to make it happen. I am lonely, I am looking for what I used to have, I do HOPE to find love again, I do HOPE to find someone to share my passions with, and I understand I am only 6 months removed from one of the toughest life events that is imaginable. I am trying to improve every day, but every day is a struggle. It's well past midnight, I should be trying to catch up on some sleep, yet I find myself once again struggling even though I can't pinpoint why. Man-Marie called me tonight before I had a chance to even get home from an overnight work trip and read the blog comments laughing because two anonymous commenters were fighting back and forth between each other. Of course she did not help by jumping into the fray, but if you know her and love her that's just Man-marie.

I don't mind anyone flirting via blog comments (especially since they are anonymous I can imagine they have junk in the trunk, the ability to make-up for other inadequacies ((I have plenty of my own as I've previously blogged about so I know how that feels)), if anonymous number one is actually silicone Cindy from the Keys ((of course cup size does not matter except in Cindy's case as I've never been more mesmerized by meaningless conversation)), or if like we say to everyone that owns a Corvette (sorry about your penis --- with the exception of my brother-in-law John of course) we try to overcompensate in other ways. In the end, I hope that like me nobody takes any of it too seriously. Give me shit all you want, flirt a little, enjoy the fucking moment because that's what Hope would have told you and did tell me over and over again (maybe not exactly in those terms as she was always more eloquent). She enjoyed every moment that we were together, we had the ultimate life together for as long as we were able, I miss her every day but admittedly less every day, I hurt every day but less each day now, and we all have to be able to move on. I'm not there yet but getting closer with each moment. I will always love Hope, my boys will always come first, but I hope to find love again to share my life with some one (although you will have to put up with a lot and have a sense of humor about yourself above all else).

One more thought I've shared with a few close friends, I am done with the love thing dammit. I only want to marry for money from here on out because the love thing is too hard and who wouldn't want to retire at age 36? I was in Amelia Island today looking at multi-million dollar condos and single family homes inspecting a suspect drainage system thinking this could be me if I play my cards right. I even walked down to the pool and beach seeing if I could spot the future Mrs. Wise but they just thought I was a lawn boy so that didn't go over as well as I'd hoped. The boys don't need a good stepmom, they need a good nanny and butler. A Durango won't do when a Land Rover or Lexus convertible SUV is available (I think I made up that vehicle).

I'm finally getting my priorities right, so if Anonymous number 1 is serious please show me how you make up for cup size with the almighty dollar assuming that's what you meant (and not other functions that by the way are more important then money --- jokes again, okay only sort of). I am lonely and therefore easily turned on, but I am also realistic and doing better every day with priorities. I am not perfect, I am happy to point out my many faults, I am comfortable with them, I will continue to point them out to anyone that will listen to me talk or read my blogs, but the hardest thing right now is that I'm lonely and not comfortable with that yet. I wish I was, I HOPE time will heal that, but I'm just not sure right now. I normally am confident in everything I do, but it's just not there right now. I have to be comfortable with that aspect of myself before I can be ready to share with others. I know that's the case and I'm frustrated I'm not doing better with it.

Those of you that regularly read the blog know I have been searching for "it" again and I can't fucking find "it"!!! I know it's there, just out of reach, I feel it sometimes but then I have a setback, I drink too much when I shouldn't, I do something with the kids I regret or even worse don't do something I regret, I buy enough groceries to cook for a week but then end up going out to dinner almost every night, I let my emotions get the best of me, I squash my emotions too much sometimes, and if anyone that sees me on a regular basis knows that I tear up often but hold it all back when maybe I should just let it all out (my psycho calls it the weepy period). I don't think anyone wants to see that, so I don't let it happen except when I'm alone. Maybe that's setting me back, maybe that's normal, maybe there is no normal in my case, maybe I worry about the wrong things, and maybe it's all just what has to be to get better with time.

I'm still figuring it all out in this journey of one, but Wow, I never thought I'd have two anonymous women fighting over what is right and wrong for me (or Hope) or our blog. It started as just a joke, like when I used to always type Just Jake at the end of my blogs. Hope was Hope, amazing, eloquent, even more passionate than me, etc. so I was always Just Jake compared to her and since we used the same e-mail and blog I didn't want anyone confusing her words with mine. She has done more good since her passing for us all and I think will continue to do so as long as all of you remember her. The 3 wisemen will not forget, she was the queen of Wow!, and I hope to some day find it again in somebody else that I can share my life with.

In the meantime, please don't anyone take all of this too seriously and find your passion and love for whatever it is you feel strongly about. Mine is two young boys and one bigger boy trying to heal. That is my passion and I hope to find the Wow! again down the road in something and some one else. I am going to bed alone again tonight, if anonymous numbers one or two have anything more to offer to help with that then a cup size please let me know. Figuratively speaking I am a freakishly small triple A bra size that needs to be special ordered, and am wowed I can even drum up some interest right now. Focus on the positive whether it's BJ's, money, or just the ability raise the ire of others through typing words, find your passion and jump in 110%. I will continue to do so until I find "it" again.

- Just Jake.

Hope Visited Me Again

Last night a regular blog reader that I'll let remain anonymous for now drunk dialed and texted me last night around 2:30 AM. We talked for a while and had a really great conversation. You get to know people's more honest feelings when their guard is down so please know I'm normally up and love the drunk dial. The drunk text is okay but then there's evidence the next day and anyone with political aspirations needs plausible deniability. In fact, that's pretty much been the credo of our government over the last oh let's say 5 or 6 decades. I've been known for drunk dialing myself and the voicemails you leave behind are almost always hilarious. My personal favorite to me was again a regular blog reader that was driving around lost in a parking garage, hiccupping like crazy so half of it was not comprehensible, with the "I love you's" flying out faster then the Michael Jackson tributes (which once again really bothers me how much we don't appreciate someone until they are gone. Over the last decade plus a whole generation only knew Michael was a freak and child molester and nothing about his amzing music and two plus decades of being "it" in music. I still have people e-mail or tell me really cool things that Hope did that still affects their lives. She knows now but never knew when she was alive what a profound affect she had on almost everyone that crossed her path. I'm just as guilty as anyone when it comes to Michael, but not with my family. I told Hope, my grandmother, and my grandfather all the time how much I love them and how much they impacted my life. Those are the 3 closest people in my life I have lost, and I tell my Mom, my brother, and most importantly my kids the same thing all the time. If you're not, make sure it's not too late when you get around to it. OK I'm done with my diatribe on that --- you just never know what's going to come out of these things).

Back to the drunk dial, I had trouble getting to sleep after our conversation and was in that oh yeah I think I'm finally falling asleep state or maybe I already am asleep state when Hope visited me for the second time. The last time was on 8 June (yes I remember the date) and this is just over one month later. All of a sudden she was just there, standing right next to me. She was wearing an all white T-shirt and khaki shorts, no shoes and her hair down like it almost always was. She was 100% healthy, smiling, and at first glance into her eyes the white part was red like blood, but then she blinked once and they were white as I gazed into her mesmerizing blue eyes. I could not hear her voice orally, but I could in my head which was strange. She smiled and told me she loved me and thought I was doing really well. I asked her without talking as well if she was happy and she said she was. It felt like we were standing next to each other for 15 minutes but I think it was only a few seconds. I just kept staring at her and tried to hold her hand but could not. She smiled at me again, told me everything was really good, and then she was just gone. It made my heart just glow and this incredibly calm and relaxed feeling over my entire body like I just finished a massage or well, er, had been otherwise satisfied.

Then I woke up this morning and felt so lonely. I ached because I wanted her to be next to me in bed and the loneliness was just overwhelming. This is a feeling I've had in the past, especially at night after I tuck the kids in bed. Early on after she passed I still used to think she was in the back room and it would kill me when I realized she wasn't. I don't feel like that anymore thank goodness but after her visit last night my heart absolutely aches right now. I laid in bed over an hour after Nathan woke me up to ask if he could watch TV. Amazingly Reese is still sleeping, something both boys have needed since our trip to NE. I am becoming more comfortable being alone and I think with time that will continue to improve. Certain things just hit me like a Papelbon fastball whether it's a memory induced by a song, a smell, something the kids say, or something else. Other items bounce off and don't hurt too much like a Wakefield knuckleball. All of it adds up and just sometimes it all comes out at once.

Now back to reality, the dryer is buzzing at me over Spongebob and Nathan playing the harmonica. I need to go wake up Reese, get everyone to basketball while I pick up ice cream sandwiches for the kids on the way, hurry back home for lunch and then off to a pool birthday party both kids are going to (by the way the family's last name for the party is Supernau, which got me thinking to changing my name to Superwise, Studwise, Jedijake for the boys, Superjake, etc. --- kind of like McLovin in Superbad an all-time classic), and then I'm on standby for a phone call to leave the party early because my brother from Mass, his wife and two kids are in town and are coming to our house for more pool party and dinner tonight. A typical slow day for the 3 Wisemen, and tomorrow I am off to Amelia Island with a co-worker for a site inspection and early morning meeting on Monday. Amelia Island is the place Hope and I went after her first recovery from cancer when Nathan was only 10 months old. We loved it up there so I'm sure this trip will stir up some memories too. We celebrated her recovery from cancer 3 times over 6 years, I just wish we could have done it one more time last year. That wasn't in the cards, so now we celebrate every day like it's our last as much as we can. In the meantime I still have to fold laundry, damn laundry! I've been doing my own laundry (except when Hope did it) since I was about 12 or 13 years old but it's such a pain to do it for the three of us.

I've got much more to blog about but that will have to be it for this morning as I have to keep those kiddos first above all else. Thanks for haunting me again Hope as you promised, I love you like water (chocolate and Oprah). And Ann-Marie, Hope and I will both be at your grandfather's funeral next week. It would be too hard for me to go alone...

Happy 8th of July

It's past 1 AM and I just got home from New England over a long weekend with family. It was a quick trip to Lake Sebago on Thursday/Friday (by the way we got to meet and I know I'm screwing up some of these names, Chippy the Chipmunk, Rocky the Raccoon, Squeaky the Squirrel, Morris the Moose, and Pauletta the prostitute), my family's farm (the largest family run farm in New England I'm told which by the way has the coolest ever hedge maze (labyrinth) for adults, kids maze in the barn with three levels, petting zoo, great volleyball, a bouncey house that adults can go in --- I had so much fun in there as the kids tried to tackle me, the largest labyrinth in North America is currently growing so stay tuned, and a lumpy croquet course that I kicked some serious ass on --- just for the record I had a huge advantage because I grew up playing on a much worse course with my grandparents that had roots everywhere, moss, and a huge hill that went straight to the Assabet River) in Stow, Mass on Saturday, back to Maine in South Berwick for a pool party (Brad and Rachel's new pool at least to me makes my old grandparents' house a resort instead of just their legacy)/camp out (at Aunt Renie's and Uncle Bruces after a bonfire, music, swimming, flying on a rope swing with a harness, and so much more) on Sunday/Monday, the beach all day Monday (I swam 3 times on this trip, at Lake Sebago in frigid waters, in Rach's/Brad's pool at 71 degrees with the coolest diving board ever (if you haven't seen my half-ass flips you're missing out on some serious entertainment), and finally but most stupidly the ocean as my body went blue and I cramped up from the cold, and delayed flights home Tuesday to get us here past midnight.

The kids did not sleep at all on the flight or drive home until less than 2 miles from my house, so I will pay holy hell tomorrow for that one. Why is it they always sleep when you don't want them to but never sleep when you think and count on them to? And of course it's never just one of them, they both have to stay awake just to torture me that much more tomorrow. I guarantee they will wake up normal time even though they went to bed almost 4 hours late. Reese was so sweet though as we got off the plane asking, "Can we go back to Maine tomorrow?"

We had such an incredible time, great weather for the majority of the trip, and stories to tell. Right now my dinner consists of Triscuits and red wine, so at least I'm taking care of myself. And if you were worried about the boys don't be, they had mini-Oreo cookies thanks to my neighbors on the flight home along with hot chocolate for the Natedog and Sprite for Pieces. For the record I normally give them balanced meals like hot dogs with potato chips (note that many argue potatoes are a vegetable including Hope on many occasions) or my all-time favorite mac and cheese with hot dogs (you can see they get a variety of balanced meals).

Back to the trip, I did not mention it on my last blog because I decided announcing to the world when my house is empty might not be the smartest thing I've ever done. We have an alarm (which my neighbors found out the hard way on this trip --- by the way the police are fingerprinting the place now Beth so I'd suggest a one-way trip for a while anywhere away from here) and the police have shown up a couple of times with guns blazing from a lighting strike once and a door that blew open to the garage another time. I have so much respect for the police for the way they put their lives on the line every day for strangers, except of course when they're giving me a speeding ticket. I'm a civil engineer (with a huge blog just to remind the ladies --- which reminds me of something else, based on some comments and e-mails I've received please know I'm only joking about my emphasis on breast size, in all of my research and training about breast cancer (and I take that very seriously) it's not the size that matters at all. In fact one anonymous commenter (who are you by the way because although I appreciate the love you showed me you have terrible taste in men obviously???) was kind enough to tell me that smaller cups make up for it on other ways (I think they were talking about balanced meals again) so please know it was just a joke. At the beach though this weekend in Maine I saw more white skin and men needing a manzere (I'm sure that's not even close on the spelling) or bro then I hope I ever have to see again. For the record, New Englanders are not known for their tans!!! It certainly wasn't the clothing optional pool in the Keys.

I can't comment on manzere's and bro's without commenting on Seinfeld, how many times in a day do you quote that show? If it's not doube dipping, man hands, no soup for you, serenity now, shrinkage (by the way I experienced this like crazy in the freezing cold waters with my scared turtle), master of my domain (you know I can't pass that one up, I would be the first one out every time), stopping short, Terri Hatcher in an unforgettable episode when she says they're real and they're incredible, Newman taking rainy days off when Jerry points it's the first one in the postman's oath, the produce section of the market is very seductive with a lot of squeezing of melons and shapes and smelling, becoming jewish just to make the jokes, taking a vow of abstinence (George) because there was probably a good chance he was not going to have a sex again anyway, yada yada yada, being a rabid anti-dentite (against dentists), spongeworthy, and so many more.

Back to being a civil engineer and tickets, we know roads are designed to be safely driven at higher speeds then posted so we should be able to honor our design criteria (i.e. back off on the tix coppers). I know I always go off on tangents when typing these things but that's just how my screwed up psychy (that's probably not a real word) works. In fact, Ann-Marie told me after the last blog she was exhausted because she said it was just one run-on sentence that never stopped (I know it's horrifying to Tina and Anna, but at least Tina's entertained while Anna my newfound brother just thinks english is my third language). The only other language I know at all is Spanish but that's only the dirty words that PR taught me over 10 years ago at my first job out of school. We may not have got much work done, but man we had a good time and those words stuck with me.

We had a sweet Volvo rental car and every time we approached a sudden hill I would slow down and then floor it so the kids' stomachs would drop like on a roller coaster. I found out my cousin B enjoyed this exeprerience so much when he was young he said thank you dad for tickling my testicles. I don't know about the rest of you but in my opinion you never grow out of wanting your testicles ticked, just not by dad in the car! I learned one of my relatives is going through depression too like Hope did and I've had my moments, she's finally going to psycho appointments too with incredible improvements because of them. I think everyone should go to a psycho, but that would probably shut down our already almost useless health system. I say that as a small business owner, the health care costs are freaking killing me!

I got to spend time with my Aunt K who is my grammy's sister. Grammy and I were closer then any other relative I have, so it was great to see and visit with her on the 4th. We are both doing well but missing Grammy. I visited her grave site along with Gramp on the 4th too, and I know both of them including Hope were with us the entire day and weekend. I got to see my cousin D's house, my cousin's R's yoga studio, my aunt L's new home, my sort of cousin like 13 times removed but it wouldn't stick P&D's house, and three growing belly's along with the flattest belly you ever saw from another cousin about to have a new baby. If I tried to explain my family on the blog you would feel like you did at the end of the last episode of the Sopranos. It's impossible to do but amazingly we all get along incredibly well and get togethers while they don't drum up any dates for me (which is legal in Maine with blood relatives --- by the way the only states that Maine gets to make fun of are are TN and WV as I think that was of the amendments to the Constitution) always a blast.

Three cousins or otherwise close relatives are pregnant with one 100% due to Hope (no she did get her pregnant through some miracle of science or lesbian fantasy but they did decide to have a baby and possibly consumated while down here helping us through the toughest of times with their youngest being 10 years old already) and the flat bellied one is my cousin that hopefully will be picking up her new baby Maeve in China in the next couple of weeks. One is due on Hope's birthday too, how cool would that be? That leaves three designated drivers so my three cousins are living it up like it's 1999 (anytime you can quote a Prince song you're having a good day --- actually I think he's a genius singer/songwriter but really I only like Purple Rain's album cover to cover. What in the world happened to the woman the played Appollonia (I think that was her real name too if memory serves)? She was absolutely gorgeous but never to be heard from again as far as I know.)

We had the best time up there, the kids loved every moment of it. They are so tired from being up late each night and playing all day every day but with smiles the entire time. A special thanks to all of our relatives up north for a whirlwind few days and while it killed us to miss so many more relatives we'll hopefully make up for it on the next trip. There's just not enough hours in the day to catch up with everyone as much as we might want to. Happy 8th of July and welcome back to 110% humidity and mosquitoes large enough to carry off Reese. I'm going to start sweating now because I have to open up the door to the outside at it's almost 2 AM...

Cured and Dating

I am cured...again! At my last psycho appointment she really did say she was impressed with my improvements and that unless I really wanted to see her every two weeks we could go to 3 weeks now. I saw that as a positive sign since I'm not making any money this year and I'm paying out of pocket for our get-togethers. Since the only impression I had of psychiatry was from the movies prior to all of this and to date she has not once made a move on me I'm feeling like Rodney Dangerfield paying for a hooker that doesn't do anything but talk on the first date. I imagine other cultures that only know us from TV and movies must think we're all cowboys or are at least carrying heat, if you order a pizza it comes with a hole in the bottom of the box and it comes with pepperoni and sex, we have square sponges that live in pineapples at the bottom of the sea, all of our women weigh 80 pounds with double D's, and that even the absolute worst murders can be wrapped up in 60 to 120 minutes depending on the medium. By the way, by far my favorite response to the last blog was from Anna and yes we will always be friends. Be strong my brother!


So I am cured again, feeling really good, caught up on bills for the first time since Hope passed, and looking forward to a great 4th Holiday with family. More on that after the holiday and you'll understand why then. We had an incredibly fun weekend, basketball on Saturday morning and Nathan was a manbeast on the boards and practically scored at will (I had to ask him to pass the ball in the second half so some of the other kids could score). I owe the kids more ice cream because we had to institute the bribe for them to not score as much again (five passes so everyone touches the ball before they can shoot). I actually had a grandfather come up to me after the last game and give me the biggest compliment about how I coached the kids and handled them during the game. He said he's coached his entire life and never saw anyone like me. I only mention it because you almost never get any feedback except negative as a coach because a parent didn't like something. It made me feel good that at least one senile old man thinks I'm doing a good job. Then he called me Susan and kissed me on the lips so I'm not sure his credibility is rock solid. At least he's a good kisser...


I have to go fold laundry so I'll be back (oh the crazy lifestyle of a single dad in Melbourne, dare to dream out there boys). I'm back and willing to pay anyone $1000 dollars to match and fold our freaking socks! They never all match up and why can't I train myself or the kids to at least keep them right side out when we take them off??? I'm going to give each one of us one pair per week to wear from now on so if it's getting close to the weekend you may want to keep your distance from us. Anyway the at least he's a good kisser was supposed to be my segway into dating. I've been asked many times when I'll be ready (in other words are you ever taking your ring off --- even the pest control guy asked me that one today and then he went on for 45 minutes about his pending divorce and by the way Joyce if you're out there Steve seems like a really good guy so you should not blame him for wanting his mom to move in even though she's really mean to you but if you want to know his pin number and where he hides his house key he told me that too), can I set you up with my single friend that has a really good personality, are you still into farm animals (okay that was only from Maria), gay yet or still just faking it (that was from Sylvester, Chuck Woolery, and my new Facebook pal from the Keys trip), are the rumors/legends true that engineers are the best lovers and deserve to be catered to their every desire, etc. etc. etc.


Yes ladies the last one is absolutely true and you can measure an engineer's prowess (I have to remember Hope's family reads this) by the size of his blog. By the way Dirk Diggler from Boogie Nights has nothing on civil engineers with big blogs (for the record, who would have ever thought Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch would become such an incredible actor and in how many movies will Heather Graham play a prostitutue --- Boogie Nights, Killing me Softly, and The Hangover which I just saw this weekend and it was amazingly funny ((especially the cameos by Wayne Newton and Carrot Top at the end of the movie)) --- does anyone else remember her in Growing Pains, come on what's hotter then Heather, Joanna Kerns, Tracey Gold throwing up trying to weigh 60 pounds, and the always hunky Kirk Cameron??? Okay, I'm way off subject again and yes I would love to have a best hair contest between Alan Thicke (great name for a hair guy), Chuck Woolery, and Burt Reynolds (our proudest FSU alumni).


So the question about dating lead me to think about what an amazing catch a guy like me would be for some lucky lady born in 1991 or earlier (can you freaking believe I could legally date someone born in the 90's --- man I'm getting old!). I started thinking about all my good qualities and came up with the following list:

• I've been out of the game for about 2 decades so if 8 track tapes and corduroy bell bottoms are still the rage I'll be fine.


• If I can still have a date in the trunk for drive in movies to save a $1.00 I've got no problem with that.


• If popcorn, candy and a soda pop are still less than $2 and the kind gentleman in the red jacket will escort us to our seat with his flashlight I know that routine.


• I can use my corduroy bell bottoms to hide my court ordered ankle tracking bracelet and as long as I don't go within 1000 feet of a daycare, school, church, or Tina's place I am not breaking the law again.


• If I can cry incessantly for no reason at a certain smell, song, memory, etc. like a pregnant woman with hormones on crack and ramble on about Hope for 4 hours without a problem then I'm great.


• If my potential date is cool with coming to my house only after 9 or 10 PM depending on how the boys are doing for some mac and cheese or hot dogs, a deaf dog that now barks at nothing way too often, helping me fold laundry and pay bills, make lunch for the next day, watch me return e-mails and phone calls, clean the house/playroom, or if she can time it right when I'm really caught up on things weed by flashlight, clean, and wipe pee off the back of the toilet and floor (I love that I still get to blame the kids for that one) then I am the guy for you.


• Loves sarcasm more than honesty and considers it foreplay, muscles aren't important, agrees freckling is better than tanning, thinks a deviated septum from two broken noses is sexy, enjoys Family Guy and anything with David Hasselhoff (and you better refer to him as only "THE HOFF" if you want to stay in the fan club), agrees the ultimate intimate night includes Papi with a homer, Paps with a save, old man papa Wakefield (local Melbourne boy) with another win, followed by dinner/flowers/conversation/cuddling/sex if absolutely necessary in 2 to 8 minutes before I settle into Sportscenter highlights and watching the 300 one more time. Tonight Spartans we dine in HELLLLL!


• Wants to be a stepmom to 3 wiseboys that span 32 years with the exact same level of maturity throughout except maybe Nathan that acts older then his age.


• And most importantly agrees the perfect weekend is attending the Red Sox on Friday, FSU/BC on Saturday, Pats on Sunday, followed by a liver transplant and rubbing my feet from standing in the port-a-potty line (that reminds me of the time at a Bucs game at half-time that I went with Ann-Marie to one line was moving faster then the others so I jumped into it and it was the handicap stall. 3 guys were going in and leaving at a time and I could only figure the sink and toilet until I went in as lucky number 3 and peed into the toilet can that was about 1/3 full of urine --- wouldn't you think they would have at least gone to a webbed trash can by now?).

Get in line ladies, being an engineer I'm used to groupies so there's no need to be embarrassed. It's hard on me when I walk out of the XXX store and the engineering papparrazzi are just shooting pics left and right. I hope you're okay with the limelight. In my typically long winded ramblings I am only trying to say that I think I'm keeping the wedding ring on for a bit longer (sorry Steve the pest control guy) and hanging with my closest lady friends Lindsey and Erica the most often (they are 14 and 16, respectively, and before you start calling the police (AGAIN!) they are the ones watching the boys 4 days a week over the summer). In the meantime I'm enjoying being cured, getting out once in a while on good behavior, looking forward to the 4th and two great family gatherings on Sat and Sun, and for the most part enjoying life again.

One of my favorite people ever, Ann-Marie, lost her grandfather this week. She was Hope's best friend, lost her Dad less than a year before Hope, then Hope of course, and now her grandfather that she was very close with. She can't stand to be in ICU or hospice anymore and nobody can blame her. We love you Ann-Marie and as much crap as you have to put up with me since Hope assigned you to watch out over the 3 wisemen we are here for you now. After all I'm cured and ready to help others now...

Fucking Father's Day

Maybe that's not the greatest title for a blog from one of the most greatful parents of all time. I love my incredible boys, being a Dad is the greatest honor possible I could imagine, they ARE the reason I'm even functioning after what we've been through, yet despite all that I had a really tough Father's Day. Let me step back though first to recap since the last blog. I feel like Mike Myers and Dana Carvey in Wayne's World rubbing my eyes, going doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo while a target starts spinning to go back in time (or even better then that was in Wayne's World's first move when Tia Carrerre ((who by the way finally did the right thing and got in Playboy)) was on-stage playing a hard rock song (((Ballroom Blitz if memory serves) ((((by the way how many parenthesis and freaking side thoughts can I have in one sentence)))) and all Wayne saw was stars and only heard Gary Wright's song Dream Weaver. By the way, any movie that brought Queen back in the spotlight deserves immense gratitude. How many people except losers like me that still had the Queen the Game record still listened to Bohemian Rhapsody when that movie came out? Now a whole other generation gets to enjoy Freddie Mercury's voice and antics and Brian May's guitar rifts because of one scene in one movie.



Amazing, I wish I had that kind of power to bring back other childhood idols of mine like Daisy Duke, Firestar from Spiderman and his Amazing Friends, Julie from the Love Boat (why was she always so freaking happy anyway?), Chuck Woolery with his 2 minutes and 2 seconds catch phrase (yes another man crush but not as big as Rocky or the Hoff), Princess Leia's bikini outfit in Return of the Jedi literally choking Jabba the Hut to death (almost the same thing David Carridine was into I hear), Loni Anderson in WKRP in Cincinatti, Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman (okay, how many people remember a horrible TV series that must have lasted about 2 and 1/2 episodes with both of them past their primes called Partners in Crime --- by the way I never missed an episode for obvious reasons), and everyone's all-time favorite Mr. Furley from Three's Company that I still pattern my wardrobe after (I'm colorblind and my sister helped me dress growing up saying you can't have too many plaids or ever enough scarves). I now feel like Richard Kline's character Larry from downstairs in 3's Company, the weird perverted neighbor that always was hitting on the girls but never had any success (favorite all-time scene, a girl walks up to the Regal Beagle bar (great freaking name) and he asks her if he can buy her a drink, she obliges and then the bartender says "Happy hour's over" and Larry immediately says, "Same time tomorrow?"). By the way if I ever open a bar I'm naming it the Office ("Hey honey, I'm going to the office" --- how great is that???). I think in this economic climate only bars, strip clubs, and churches are making money. Yes I put them in order of importance.



Per my last blog and so many of you contacted me on the Friday of Reese's doctor appointment to check in, the doc did not see anything that worried him too much on his lip. He asked me to come back in 8 weeks to take a wait and see approach for now. He took pics so he could compare next time but that was enough for me to feel good for now. No biopsy, no anesthesia, no lab tests, no painful waiting for a phone call, no worries for now. It's nothing and we're moving on dammit! By the way I switched insurances since Hope passed because it was costing my small business a small fortune but could not switch while she was still being treated, and so the appointment was out of pocket. I mentioned it to the doc hoping he'd cut me a break (and keep in mind this was one of Hope's docs that showed up all the time in her hospital room, at her surgeries, and other places) and he waived all fees for our appointment. Dr. B, we went to you because you're the best no matter what it cost me and one more time you showed me why you are the best. I'll tell you what, Hope has brought together more positive spirits, souls, attitudes, friends, family, and HOPE for mankind then anyone I have ever known.



My brother came down last Friday and on Saturday after Nathan's 2nd straight win in basketball (by the way it all comes down to brilliant masterful coaching in this age group) we went to the Keys for an unknown amount of time. We stayed at an amazing clothing optional pool hotel and the clothes were often not the option of choice. Unfortunately it was all couples so for every great pair we got to enjoy through our mirrored glasses there was her husband enjoying the same as we tried to stare away from the pink elephant in the room (and by that I mean the really small trunked pink elephant in most cases). We made friends with folks such as silicone Cindy and it's amazing how much more interesting their conversation is as I listened intently like she was giving away the secret password to heaven then compared to other mouths just flapping away.



We had the best time imaginable, made so many new friends, saw so many naked people including at the Garden of Eden bar that we just happened to stumble upon (literally at that point in the night) with more painted boobs then you saw on the movie Showgirls (by the way the two true tragedies from Saved by the Bell was what happened to Jesse's career in that movie and what the hell happened to Lisa --- poor Screech never got his last chance at his one true love except in the made for TV movie when Kelly and Zack got married in Hawaii). We went snorkeling (we saw a 6-foot shark in sand below us but then about a 4-foot tiger shark swam past Kurt and underneath me so close if I would have started to swim I think I would have kicked it in the face --- by the way afterwards I did not do the reef any favors and definitely did not have to go below deck to use the bathroom for a while), para-sailing about 400 feet up in the air, jet skiing, water sliding, floating trampoline jumping, went on a sunset cruise, and imbibed slightly.



By that I mean my liver is now pickled and I'm still trying to recover. I figured the two glasses of wine tonight is a good start on the road to recovery. We were out until 4 or 5 AM every night and could not have had a better time. Thanks mom for making it possible and to Judy, Whitney, Lindsey, and Erica for helping make it easier on my mom. By the way both my brother and I will strike up conversations with anyone near us and we often did. It was funny because I think most people assumed we were just a gay couple with Kurt obviously being the bitch (I think that's the politically correct term) because of his smaller beard (what did you think I was referring to???). When we introduced the other as our brother about 3/4ths of the time they just jumped and went "BROTHERS!" All of a sudden we were in another category quickly. Every time I heard that though all I could think of Chris Farley in Tommy Boy when he meets Rob Lowe and says "Brothers don't shake, brothers hug." Holy Schnikes if you've never seen that movie go rent it now.

I needed that break like Screech needed a date until he "accidentally" released pornos on-line as he tries to become a dirty stand-up comedian (by the way I have a theory, that Arnold Horshack and Screech are actually the same person but it was totally blown when they fought in the celebrity boxing ring --- One more theory, Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson are the same person as you never see them together, they weigh about the same, they never release albums at the same times, and both are hot chicks at this point). We came back on Friday and celebrated Father's Day with each other and our step dad on Saturday. So then came the actual Father's Day on Sunday. After a week in paradise, a party the day before, all of a sudden I was back at home with a stack of bills, things to get done, worrying about work the next day, etc. when I started cleaning. I cleaned up the entire house, but that included a junk drawer and Hope's nightstand ultimately.



I found notes from Hope, her cross, a couple of her books, the bell she used to ring when she needed me and could not even sit up, receipts and pictures from horrible events I had put out of my mind, cards from friends/family, and other memories I think I had repressed for good reason. I started to feel sick, cold, had goose bumps, cried my eyes out, and ultimately crawled up into a ball while I looked at the ceiling hoping for some answers or at least some advice and maybe a sign. But once again the boys were there to sympathize with me (they told me they understood why I was upset), tried to cheer me up, and unknowingly they ultimately pulled me out of the funk I had been building up for hours on end. It was a tough emotional day, but that's one more down before I start to feel good every day again.



For fucking Father's Day I had an incredibly emotional day, but in the end will be stronger for it. It reminded me of Father's Day last year when I was in the ICU just 3 days after Hope's last major surgery and Uncle Bruce called me on Sunday morning when nobody else did and I didn't even know it was supposed to be my day. It was also many months later that Hope wrote me a note while in hospice to tell me about where she hid the last gift (for that Father's Day) I ever received from her that was the necklace I spoke about in her life celebration that I recently broke again. All you dads out there that aren't a daily part of your kids' lives, reprioritize. Just think if the tragedy that happened to my wife happened with your kids how much you would have to regret. I am strong today because I have no regrets, make sure you would not have any either if it was your time or one of your children. Can you truly say you have none? Try to get there where you can say so, I dare you!

A lot of people told me Snagglepuss was the character I was trying to remember that always said "heaven to mergatroy" and "exit stage left" in my last blog. That's a great name, and except for Octopussy one of my favorites. In this world of political correctness today I think we're losing out on so many cool characters that we just didn't worry about so much when we were younger. I'm not too screwed up from hearing insensitive terms about women in cartoons and movies, I mean I love chicks and I can tell instantly when I meet babes whether we'll be friends by their cup size. No problems here.

One last item, I received an e-mail today from a person that stumbled across our blog (probably by googling train humping like the rest of you) and he said some really great things about us inspiring him. He told me about a cause that he helped create after taking two days to read through all of our blogs in reverse order (that's like watching your old home movies backwards and by the way he's demanding I give him his two days back). It's called www.pinkcauses.com and it's a completely free fundraiser you can all help out with. It costs nothing but can raiser millions of dollars but just registering and shopping like you always do. It has over 600 retailers involved from 800Flowers for all of you men that screwed up and are trying to get back into bed with your honeys (see absolute respect for women because why else would you waste money on flowers unless you screwed up?), Best Western known for their mirrors on the ceilings or is that the western wear store so you can cowboy up?, Birkenstock so you can have the most comfortable footwear on the planet while you toke up, and even Oxiclean which was my best friend throughout junior high and high school. Check it out, it looks like the real deal. Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there, I HOPE next year's is better then the last two for me.

Why No Blogging???

I have had this question via e-mail, phone calls, and in person lately. Some people have asked is this a good thing or bad thing? The real reason I haven't been blogging was because I was working on reprioritizing between paying bills, keeping up with work, communicating with friends, focusing on what's most important, and never taking my eye off the ball with the kids. The kids have always been number 1, and #2 still ends up being half of our dinner conversations between the three of us (it's amazing how many different conversations you can have about the most simple of human functions like pooping, farting, boogers, and penises). Well I can finally say for the most part I'm caught up, but much, much more importantly I have my priorities back in order.

Don't get me wrong, number 1 had never changed (the boys!). It's just that things like bills, work, the house, the yard, etc. had to move up the chart. Things like going out all the time, always having friends over, e-mails, blogging, phone calls, drinking, etc. needed to move down the chart. I spontaneously sent Whitney and Man-Marie a list one day of things I needed to improve on and set myself out on it. They responded as always with nude photos so I knew the #2 priority was still in order (porn site of my friends). Another friend, Andrea, helped me set priorities and realize even if sometimes I offended friends/family or heaven to mergatroy (somebody please e-mail me the feline that always said that line, I know it was a Hanna-Barbara cartoon) came across as one of the gay superfriends (or ambigiously gay duo) that was okay too as long as I was getting my priorities accomplished. Anna, I haven't forgotten your offer to go gay, if I could find my Robin (holy vaginaless life Batman!) I might just settle in, but not in CA anymore per judge's order.


I realized that I was overcompensating, pushing myself so hard to feel better because I'm always so positive that I wasn't where I was trying to convince myself I was (if that makes any sense it's kind of like when Superman flew so fast against the earth's spin he made time go in reverse to save Lois Lane --- who knew at the time that Lois Lane played by Margot Kidder was such a nut job?). I was trying to capture something that will never be here again, yet fly ahead so fast that I was skipping the most important parts --- feeling the pain of what I've been through. I am so lonely when I'm alone, so I tried to not be alone --- ever! That's not as easy as it sounds with two kids and no partner, but I did a pretty good job for a while faking it. I miss Hope still, but it's slowly not all the time.


My last 2 psycho appointments have gone incredibly well. One I cried like a baby as we brought up what Hope went through from her last major tongue surgery one year ago to almost the day to her final rest. She suffered so much more than I ever wrote about in the blogs or told anybody about. She almost died a few times, long before hospice. She wanted to end it all herself, the only thing stopping her was thinking about the kids or me finding her. I think I even wanted it some times, to watch her suffer, to watch the kids suffer, to know I was suffering but could not face it, makes that ride to Florida for the first time when we left our entire lives/family/friends behind at midnight in New England to "temporarily try Florida" feel like just watching a Saved by the Bell marathon (now by that I mean the original, not the college years --- because watching those is true suffering except the second season when Kelly Kapowski came back to the show). I have no regrets, I know I did everything humanly possible to help her but cancer was so much stronger than us in the end. Right now I can barely even see the screen through my tears, but that just might be game 7 coming back on me when the Magic could not miss a 3 pointer and our beloved undermanned Celtics took the Eastern Conference champs to the brink. Or maybe it's watching Big Papi swing the bat, either one of those will make me cry right now.


The last appointment with my psycho was much more positive. She said she could see a huge difference in me since I realized I was only fooling myself. I thought about the following lines from the Counting Crows song Come Around:


"I'm one of a million pieces fallen on the ground
It's one of the reasons when we say goodbye
We'll still come around
We will come around
I have waited for tomorrow from December 'til today
I have started loving sorrow along the way
I am calling from some city and I won't be there too long
I could wait and I could waste away
But what comes back is I hear you say we're gone
For all of the times that I go spinning up and down
When all of the things have died between us
Well, we'll still come around
We will come around
After I've been missing for a while
And you hear that summer's song
Haven't all the fading lines lingered on?
What I know is: she's going
When you know it, it's alright"


I think I finally know it, she's gone and it's alright. The three Wisemen will be alright. We will move on, we will be stronger, and I think I am beginning to do so in tiny baby steps. I still have so much trouble focusing on work sometimes, bills seem impossible, taxes, 401K's, defined benefit plans, proposals, invoices, balancing bank accounts, refinancing, home owner's insurance, lawn maintenance, pool cleaning, pressure washing, gutter cleaning, and all the rest come and go like I'm James T. Kirk overacting. "Must reach beepie walkie talkie thing and flip open so my hair piece pops up at the same time to call Bones to tell him he must be brought back to life for next scene to say dammit Jim, I'm just a doctor."


Not to say it's been all bad. The kids both finished up school, and I've made a ton of new friends. We have BBQ's, pool parties, and many other excuses to get together (and yes Whitney not be alone). Reese had a full cap and gown graduation that was the cutest thing you've ever seen with the pre-K kids singing songs and just being pre-K kids. I cried during the ceremony, just thinking about Hope being there and how happy she would have been. I know she was there, but not the real Hope. It was just me sitting between two grandma's with the best intentions, some acquaintences that have become great friends, but just not the same as being there with Hope. We then had the first official day of summer with Nathan wrapping up his year, I took the day off and hit Sea World with the kids. We stayed at an incredible resort with a huge water slide, lazy river, and so much else to do. We stayed the whole long weekend and hit Sea World twice along with Downtown Disney. We did unfortunately lose Reese's Ya-yas, his favorite blanket he's always had that weekend. I've called the resort many, many times with no call back yet so I haven't given up all HOPE (there goes that word and feeling again).

At Sea World you can buy passes once and keep coming back for the rest of the year. It was just what the doctor ordered, an injection of holy shit we are still alive and let's make sure we take full advantage. The kids deserve it, it's been hopefully the toughest year of their lives (I can only HOPE it is the toughest year they ever face). We've been kicked in the balls, but thanks to all the love and support we've received we're getting back up better than ever. The next weekend we stayed in Orlando again for 3 more days at a first-class resort with Ella, Tina and Jon. I've done some work for Hubbs-Sea World and they gave the boys and I free behind the scene passes that were incredible. Not only did we get close up and personal with polar bears, boluga whales, dolpins, manatees, sea turtles, have an incredible buffet lunch with no seafood oddly enough (Reese's favorite part was lunch as he devoured more chicken wings then when Scott, Kurt and I used to competitively eat at the Quincy's buffet --- I can still remember the poor waitress that got our table finally just bringing us pitchers of soda instead of never helping another table out because she had to keep running back and forth for us), and the grande finale was taking us back stage to be with the latest Shamu (little known fact is that the orginal Shamu was in California and whichever is the largest killer whale they now call Shamu). We had the trainers meet and talk to us for at least 6o minutes, all the while they had their largest whale doing tricks, feeding, getting rubbed down, etc. I was hoping for a kiss, but unfortunately didn't get one (don't get me wrong though that trainer was cute --- he didn't have anything to hide though in that wet suit).

We even rented some bumper boats with water cannons as Reese and I took on Jon and Natedog (the paddle boats without water cannons weren't big fans of ours as we blasted them but it was fun for us). One more anectdote going back to Anna's wondering about my persuasion, it was gay day or gay weekend in Orlando this weekend too. You are supposed to wear a red shirt I'm told to show your pride. Well I wore a red shirt not realizing that was the case and borrowed a friend's camera because I lost my charger. The camera was her daughter's, quite the cute little pocket camera, and a beautiful pink/purple color I was told. I didn't even know it but I was showing off my gay pride too.


On Sunday last weekend we were at the resort, just got done with a day of swimming, playing, feasting at the Rainforest Cafe, and were getting ready to go to Sea World again for a couple of hours (we stayed only a mile from there) when I was checking my cellular for the time. I noticed the date, it was the 7th of June. I'd been so busy it had not even dawned on me that Hope passed away exactly 6 months ago. I have not had my wife or a mother for my children for 6 months, one-half of a year. I just lost it. I felt the fog coming back over me that it's taken almost 6 months to let pass, I couldn't think straight, was cold, upset, could not even talk at first, and just sobbing. I called a couple of different friends, talked to my mom, just didn't know what to do. I eventually calmed down, talked to the kids about why I was so sad, and as they always do because I never hide my feelings from them they comforted me. They didn't cry while I was inconsolable at moments, but they kept telling me it would be okay, held my hand, got me tissues, Nathan rubbed my back a bit, Reese hugged me softly as he so often does, and I genuinely started to feel better. We even ended up making it to Sea World later and had a great night. The moon was full, we watched Shamu Rocks followed by gorgeous fireworks that reached up close to Hope.

I see my psycho again tomorrow, but I feel good about how upset I got and then how quickly the boys helped me feel better. I have plenty to talk about as always, that's never been a problem for me. Natedog started basketball and I'm coaching his team again. His first game is this Saturday. He was at cub scout camp for the first week off from school, and zoo camp this week. Tomorrow after camp he's going to a 7-year old girl's birthday party. You should have seen the 3 wise boys at 8:45 PM tonight with "the store is closing" warnings being repeated and stare downs from the employees as we sifted through the Hannah Montana wear. We settled in on a beach theme including a pink Roxy beach bag, flowery flip flops, and a cool Roxy hat (Whitney don't let Kylie read my blog --- actually no kids should read my blog). When I got home Lindsey from next door came over and gave us the okay on the gifts but man it's tough shopping for women --- no matter what the age. My mom's birthday is in September, any advice out there??? Reese has always had a spot on his lip since birth that the pediatrician said not to worry about. Now the dentist is worried because of Hope's history so I have to take Reese on Friday to her same ENT (Ear Nose Throat) doc that did many of her surgeries and she became so incredibly close to. I mostly try not to think about it, there's no way I can go through this with the kids so I know Hope will help us get past this minor scare we'll forget about in a couple of months.

My necklace broke today that was the last present Hope gave me. It's the second time and luckily a good friend Judy sells jewelry and is hooking me up again with a replacement. I only mention this because I was devastated the first time it happened, and now this time I just took it in stride. I think that is one more sign of progress. Speaking of progress, the Red Sox shut out the evil Yankees tonight 7-0 and the Magic came back strong to make the Finales a series again at 2 games to 1. Except for the Celtics, the Magic are my second favorite team but I always root for whoever is playing the Lakers (only the Yankees are more hated in the Wise household, and it's close between the two teams). My brother is coming this Friday and staying for just over a week. He and I have a tradition we missed last year for obvious reasons of the two of us taking a long man's weekend with just us. We are heading south with no plans at all, no reservations, just an opportunity to do whatever the hell we want to do. I think it's exactly what both of us need, me especially. I can't wait, I can't freaking wait!

As long as I can keep up my priorities, I'll keep blogging. I truly love it, was surprised and happy to hear from so many that were worried about us because I had not been blogging, and it does truly help me. I'm not back yet, but for the first time think I'm truly getting there the right way --- slowly and "step by step" (by the way does anyone remember that sitcom that was truly one of the worst of all time?). Except for sports, I still haven't watched any TV since before Hope passed away, still have not gone through the pantry, her closet, her clothes, her purse, her night stand, taken off my wedding ring, taken off my HOPE bracelet, slept on her side or the middle of the bed, taken her razor, soap or shampoo out of the shower, or even cancelled her cellular phone even though I pay for it every month. I have rearranged the pool deck a bit, am planning some more major landscaping and yard changes, I am using both towel racks, and am ready to do many of those other things now as time allows.

One last thing, I am sure because I was so emotional on Sunday night I had a dream about Hope coming and talking to me for the first time. I never remember my dreams but this time I did. In my dream she spoke to me directly, told me I was doing well, that she missed me, and assured me she was very happy. During the course of this conversation I swear to you I woke up and continued the conversation. I was wide awake for a while after that just rethinking the dream/connection with Hope. Maybe in my dream I was waking up but not in reality. Whatever it was, Hope communicating directly with me or otherwise, I know she's right. I'm doing better now although not where I want to be yet, I know she misses me and I feel the same, and I know she's happy. She is not suffering anymore and she is with us every moment. I love you like water Hope, please come visit me anytime. You promised to haunt me, and I'm following through with all my promises so far so it's on you now...

Relay for Life and Game 7

There are no two more magical words in sports than "Game 7" or "Swimsuit Issue" for any male sports fan!!! I have had a subscription to Sports Illustrated for about 2.5 decades now and I think the next Swimsuit issue will be as tough as Mother's Day for me (by the way I'm taking the kids to Disney for the first time in case you missed the last blog). Hope and I had a tradition that she would get the magazine first from the mail and then go through it and edit the pics. She would draw in stitches, eye patches, more bathing suit than I wanted to see, blackened teeth, or captions like "I despise global warming" or "You wouldn't have a chance with me anyway." I never enjoyed the Swimsuit issue as much as when she did that. It's amazing, while you miss the person so much it's the little things you miss more and when things like the Swimsuit issue come out you remember some of your favorite memories about the dumbest but most important little things. This year no blacked out teeth, no eye patches, no bikinis turned into a one piece, but at least I have the Celtics and Red Sox (don't get me wrong, I'm not turning gay yet despite Anna's urging---not that there's anything wrong with that!).

Two words, Game 7 BABY! Okay that was 3 but once again as the Celtics seem to always do they pulled out another game 7 (I had to watch it Sunday morning recorded from Saturday night because of Relay for Life --- more on that in a minute --- I would not take any text messages like from my brother, and when I answered the phone I would say, "Hello don't tell me anything about the game.") The Bulls were worthy, we were down our best overall player and our best big man off the bench but still prevailed like the Superfriends always found a way against the Legion of Doom. By the way my favorite Legion of Doom character (and do you really have a chance of being a positive influence with a name like that?) is Bizzarro Superman. He was all rigid like rock, could do everything Superman could do, but within 30 minutes he always escaped but was always defeated. I also love how they always had to explain what they were doing, almost like Captain Kirk over acting. "Must block out sun to take strength away from Superman, then must have lunch and remember to call Supergirl to see if she likes rocklike Superman." One more Superfriends side note, what's up with the Wonder Twins? You can only turn into water or an animal, and you don't pick a Tsunami and Superman everytime? And what the hell was Gleek, a monkey that did nothing but hit the wrong button every time they were in trouble? By the way, when we were growing up with 4 teenagers in the house at once all in high school we were particulary brutal to each other all the time which is why I'm sure nobody can hurt my feelings much anymore no matter what they say. But for some reason many people remember my nickname was Clucker. That evolved from Gleek (yes the same Wonder Twins monkey), then Gleeker, and then Clucker. Many have asked over the years so now you know.

Since the C's had no legs for 2.5 quarters to go down by 28 points in game 1 of the next round against the Magic, then roared back to be within a Ray Allen jumper that rimmed out of one of the greatest come backs in history. Tonight we took care of business, and meanwhile my Red Sox are 5-0 (that's right freaking 5-0) against the evil Yankees with two wins being more amazing then any I can remember (that the good guys won) in the history of the greatest rivalry in sports.

While the C's and Sox were making me proud, we had our Relay for Life event from Saturday at 8 AM until Sunday at 8 AM. Cancer never rests so we did not either (okay I did a bit because I went home around 3 AM). Both boys had soccer games Saturday morning so we got to Relay around 1 PM. I brought Frisbees, soccer balls, footballs, etc. and there was already a bunch of kids there. So while everyone else walked laps I ran for hours playing ball with anywhere from 5 to 20 kids. We had a blast playing for hours. We even played some water balloon dodge ball (yes it is as good as it sounds), real dodgeball (apparently in our county this game is banned from schools which is criminal in my opinion---how else do you determine who will get to date in high school and who will be a loser with no friends without dodgeball??? Damn political correctness!), and then watch Just Jake run away from a dozen kids until he's caught out of pure exhaustion, taken to the ground, and in full Macho Man Randy Savage WWE style (or Sean Michaels for you younger readers) getting elbows like they were off the top rope.

Thanks to all of you, Hope and I (she was truly with me every step of the way) raised the most money by more than triple at almost $7500 and our team by far raised the most at over $17,000! The entire event doubled last years with over $60k. They had events throughout the 24 hours but a couple of my favorites was honoring all of the cancer survivors (Hope was a 3-time survivor for the record, how many people do you know that can say that???), the lumineria that included candle lit bags all the way around the track with friends/family names including Hope, and then in the two stadium seats the word "HOPE" on one side and "CURE" on the other lit up like the HOLLYWOOD sign in LA. The entire event was dedicated to Hope and another cancer victim with a big sign at the entrance including her name. They made the mistake of letting me speak to everyone, which was incredibly emotional. I kept it together and afterwards hugged my kids like I just came back from WWII. Those boys are all my strength, and I know Hope hung in there long enough for all of us to be ready to take things over just the three of us. When they let me speak to the crowd, I of course could not let go the opportunity to talk about how once you are diagnosed you have to instantly become an expert in the illness like when Hope was first diagnosed with breast cancer. I offered at no charge mind you to use my expertise to help others by providing breast inspections but nobody took me up on it. I am willing to extend the offer so any of you reading that are local or those that want to fly down I will continue to do so at no charge for the good of the people.

While everyone was incredibly gracious at the event, my highlight was two high school kids that tracked me down, said I inspired them with what my story, and they were honored to be part of the event. That got to me, two high school kids half my age (I know that freaking hurt to say because I still feel like I'm 18 most of the time) caring that much about a short impromptu speech someone gave. I've always been positive about everything, and events like this just bring out the best in everyone. They have asked me to chair the event next year, I think maybe I'll have to pass because I just can't keep up yet with my other activities like bills, work, the house, and the kids. Those are minor details, but still somewhat important don't you think???

I can feel myself struggling again lately, mostly getting to things that I would otherwise have taken care of. I'm not feeling sad or depressed, just not fulfilled or complete. Things like Natedog's school project, laundry, bills again are the worst because I think Hope always handled them, certain work things I just don't want to deal with like not making any money, blogging more, and getting back in touch with some friends. I know I'm a lucky guy, but I still don't have "it" back yet all the time. "It" is my drive, my passion, and what has brought me success in the past. Tonight when I was tucking Nathan in, we were talking to mommy as we always do when I started saying how much I miss Hope. Nathan was surprised by that (which shocked me when he said it), as he said Daddy you always seem to have such a good time and do so much I didn't think you always missed Mommy.

It broke my heart a bit, but I could see why he felt that way. I explained to him that I stay so busy so I'm not always sad but that certainly doesn't mean I don't always miss Mommy and that I'm not sad in the inside. I'm fooling my children, am I fooling myself too? I'm not sure, maybe I'm intentionally not getting things done to keep myself so busy and behind I can concentrate on that and not Hope. I've been so ridiculously social lately too that the kids ask me every day when I pick them up from school, who's coming over today Daddy or who's house are we going to? I need to find a better balance to be a better Dad, and that is the most important job I will ever have.

Maybe now is my game 7, my round 15 against the Russian in Rocky IV where "there's no pain and I have to punch and punch and punch until I can't punch no more", my final round of celebrity Jeopardy with Sean Connery on Saturday Night Live, the last two minutes of Superfriends before the uncomfortable joke that gives everyone a belly laugh but wasn't funny, or when the six-fingered man decided to turn and run after Anigo Montoya spent a lifetime learning to sword fight to finally track him down for revenge of his father's death in the Princess Bride. It's been 4 months, I need to step it up, no more excuses, no more turning and running from Anigo Montoya. Two magical words, "Game 7" (and don't forget "Swimsuit Issue"). Suck it up Jake, this is not a game or movie and the children are affected by every bit of success or failure now. I've never feared pressure, bring it on, I'll step up. Game 7 Baby!!!