Friday, November 27, 2009

A New Beginning

For the first time ever tonight, I was angry. No reason behind it, I was pissed. I sobbed uncontrollably, yelled, punched, kicked and basically just wailed. It was the first time I was angry and it just came out of nowhere while I was watching a rerun from 3 or 4 weeks ago of House. I don't know why, it started around 1:00 AM and it's just now subsiding at 1:52 AM. I dont' get it, I haven't been angry for so long and all of a sudden I go from honestly sobbing and wailing out loud uncontrollably to being mad. I'm not mad at Hope, I'm not mad at God (I get accused of that all the time which I've blogged about), I didn't have a bad Thanksgiving, and yet I'm still angry all of a sudden. I walked out to the road in my boxers and just stared at the stars. It's cold outside for the first time in a while and I didn't give a shit. Before I could even get back into the house in the middle of my driveway I doubled over and just started sobbing again. What the fuck is up with me??? I'm pissed at me, feeling like shit, want someone to make things better.

I cannot get hold of my emotions and normally I'm good at that. I can't rationalize what I'm doing, saying feeling, you name it. I feel sick to my stomach but I'm fine, I want to punch something but don't, I don't want to drink or eat anything, I just want to feel better. I don't know what would do that. It's cold outside but I won't close the door next to me. I want someone to come by and rescue me, but I don't know what I need. I want to call someone but don't know who to call. If I did call someone I don't know what to say. I feel like I'm being tortured for someone's amusement.

I know I'm so lucky. I have so many loved ones in my life. I have great friends and family. The boys make every moment worthwhile. What the fuck happened tonight?!? I can't explain it as it's a first for me. I feel much better now after typing this, my breathing has slowed, anger has ceased, and now I feel a little more like me again. Now I kind of feel stupid and don't want to post this. Why did I start typing my blog when I was at my worst? Do I want to share, am I just looking for sympathy, will this scare away anyone interested in me, am I finally just going through a normal phase that I normaly should have sooner? WTF??? No one will probably ever read this. One year ago today I think I realized Hope was not going to make it. Maybe this is just normal grieving after so much time.

I'm not sure what to think right now. I want to call someone and talk but I'm just not sure who that should be and it's now 2 AM. Not because of the time but because of the subject matter. All I want is for my boys and me to be truly happy again. I keep thinking I'm close and then something like this happens. Maybe I just need some sleep, maybe I just need a woman, maybe I just need more time, maybe it's some combo I haven't figured out yet. The sleep is way behind, the rest I need to work on too. I'm not going to publish this until morning, because I'm just not sure about it. I've never edited my thoughts on the blog, maybe this will be the first in the morning.

8 AM now and I feel fine. I'm not sure even with some distance now what happened to me last night. I feel better now and I think that's because of what happened. I'm going to UF to watch FSU probbaly get blasted with some friends and no kiddos today and I'm really looking forward to that. I'll miss my boys, but they're in the best of hands looking forward to their play time with others. My mom hasn't been feeling herself for a little while and I think she doesn't let on to how badly she's really feeling. I worry about her but like she's done for me respect her space and privacy when she seems to want that.

Monday is Hope's birthday, the boys and I have some special plans that does not include them going to school. They dont' know it yet, just that I have a surprise for them. Between the massage crying and last night, I think it's extreme healing for me. Still not sure if I'll post this, it's just me trying to feel better when I couldn't really talk to anyone. Not that I think that would have helped last night either. I don't know, it was so intense, just me and my feelings, anger for the first time. The feeling is completely gone, no anger at all this morning except wishing I got a little more sleep last night. Go NOLES, maybe Bobby and my boys can shock the world and make Urban and Tebow cry and wail.

I think I just figured it out, it was delayed response from something that happened earlier in the night. Last night before I left my Mom's house she was not feeling well and laid down. I went in and talked to her for a while. It was deja vu, she was laying in the exact same bed as Hope last year when I think I realized for the first time she was not going to live. I remember my Aunt Nancy in and out of the room a lot just like last night. I must have just had flashbacks from the worst weekend of my life last year. Now exactly one year later my mom is laying in the exact same place and way Hope did. I'm powerless again, willing to do anything to take the pain and discomfort away but not able do anything. I don't know why I didn't think about that sooner. That makes sense, and I feel even better now. I think I really needed that last night, and maybe the anger was just frustration in being powerless. You always want to be the superdad or superspouse or superson that can take on the world and for most of my adult life (many would argue against me even becoming an adult yet and they have a good point) I have been able to do so. Wow, I really feel better now. That had to be it.

Man this blog thing is really doing the trick. My psycho tells me all the time how great it is. She said I started healing long before Hope even passed by doing it and always feeling whatever was hitting me at the moment. Anyone that reads knows I let it all out when it hits, especially in front of the kids. They need to see that and be able to express themsevles the same way. I think they do and that's part of the reason they are doing so well. I feel like I have a new beginning this morning, a fresh start only 1 year out from knowing for the first time I was going to lose my wife. I think I am going to post this one, I think the readership has fallen off anyway and even some of my best friends and family tell me they can't read it anymore. It was never for anyone else but me and hopefully one day something the boys will be interested in. The day after Thanksgiving I feel like I have so much more to be thankful for then I did yesterday. I love you Mom, feel better and know I'm here as much or as little as you need me to be. Truly, THANKS!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Sacrificing Virgins, Mermaid Cake and She-Devil

Now you have to stay tuned with a title like that. It will suck you in like a Dirt Devil, but nothing like a She Devil. I only mention that because one of the comments from the last blog about my pregnancy referenced She Devil. All I could think of was the late 80's movie with Roseanne Barr and if you weren't sure her acting was bad enough on the TV show waste 90 minutes of your life renting this one. Amazingly I remember Meryl Streep even being in it, please explain that combination of casting. I think it's the opposite of when when Rosie O'Donnell was in A League of Their Own (a great movie BTW) because she was such a terrible actress but they had her play an obnoxious gum smacking New Yorker it actually worked. I remember Rosie when she used to host VH1's comedy stand-up show on late night TV and I thought she was horrible back then. Somehow she even competed with Oprah for a bit. Now I would be remiss if I didn't mention Oprah retiring in a year after 25 years. Those of you anywhere near my age don't remember when she wasn't on TV when Donahue was all the rage. I think she actually ate him. I'm sorry that's terrible but because Hope loved Oprah and Kirk Herbstreit more then me I guess I still have lingering anger issues. Of course I thought of her as soon as I heard the news, I'm sure she knew before I did. I actually think she decided to stop haunting me even though she promised to haunt Oprah, Gayle King, and Kirk. Oprah didn't make enough money with Harpo Productions so now it's on to OWN, the Oprah Winfrey Network. I'll be the first week she breaks every cable TV program record. Goodbye Monday Night Raw and the Closer, hello Oprah which could pass for a professional wrestler. Now in the red corner wearing the pink and I'm every women tights (oooohhhh I shudder at the thought) from Parts Unknown (I think Baltimore actually and don't ask me how I know such useless information, I'm sure Hope tattooed that into my brain) weighing in at 1/6 of a ton (not a stretch for her) the reigning heavy heavyweight champion of money of the world, the Oppulent Oprah.

I started typing this blog last night but just got too tired to finish it so hopefully I'll wrap up tonight. I was inspired by the fact that after I tucked the kids in I did my usual quick conversation with Hope at the top of the stairs before I made my way down. As I passed each picture of Hope and the boys in the house I noticed something. I then started to go into each room out of my way to the Flipside crackers (I really should be getting some royalties from them) and looked at each picture of her with the boys more closely. What I found that really upset me was that the kids looked much younger in every picture. Then I started thinking that all of the pics were back when she was feeling good and doing things with us. That was a really long time ago and even though she passed only in January of this year it really got to me. I was responding to an e-mail from a friend Judy when I just started crying thinking about it. All of a sudden Nathan is standing next to me telling me he's thirsty and then immediately starts telling me he knows why I'm crying, it's okay, and gave me a hug. I'm telling you kids have more sense of their surroundings then any adult.

Another strange thing that happened to me recently was during my monthly non-happy ending because I hate when they're over massage last week, all of a sudden she just got started on my neck and it started to throb. Then the other side started to throb even worse. I started having an anxiety attack and only became more stressed. I then started crying and wasn't even really thinking about Hope. I've had probably a half dozen massages since she passed and nothing like this happened before. I had to ask her to stop, sat up for about 5 minutes or so. and then finally laid back down and was able to continue. That was the most stressed feeling I've had in a long time and it was during a massage! Please explain that one to me.

Thanksgiving weekend 2008 was the worst weekend of my life. Not only did we just horribly suffer through the actual day with Hope not even able to get up and later she admitted she knew the cancer was back but didn't want to ruin the holiday, but that was followed by almost her entire family at our house on Friday to celebrate her birthday early and I was so busy I didn't even notice how poorly she was doing that day, then Saturday morning I realized I had to take her to the hospital. Will and Anna were still in town so they took the kids. We checked into the hospital and by the time they completed all the tests on her and had the results only 6 hours before her 36th birthday before they even spoke I could tell the cancer had taken over and she didn't have long to live. I was so worried about how she'd take it that's all I could think about. I asked for something she could take to calm her down, a doctor and nurse to come in with me, and when I told her she calmly just shook her head and said she knew. She always knew her body best and I don't care what anyone tries to convince any of you in the future if you know something is different then what they tell you don't let them go in the wrong direction. Hope always did that. So this weekend I'm planning on being remorseful some because of last year, but mostly looking forward to starting a new tradition for the three Wisemen. Her birthday is Monday this year and I'm taking the kids out of school and hitting Sea World and hopefully the Gaylord Palms Ice Spectacular or whatever they call it.

This year is still very warm and humid down here. However the other day it was cool enough to open up the house so I started opening all the windows that hadn't since spring of last year. That's when I remembered I had to do the dead frog clean-up. That's when I have to go into each window and dig out the dried up dead frog that somehow got between the screen and window at night but couldn't get out. Come morning they dry out and I get to clean them all up. You've got to love the smell of nepalm (no idea how to spell --- who knows the movie that quote is from?) and dead frogs in the morning. I had to sell my Jeep earlier this year and this is the time of year I miss it most. It was an extended Wrangler with a soft top and there's no better time to have the Jeep on the road. I hope the 16-year old little punk driving it around appreciates it took me 34 years to afford that vehicle. Kids nowadays, that's a whole other blog for another day.

Hope's brother's daughter had her baptism the weekend before last. With all the travel, family reunions, school festivals, birthday parties, etc. we've had over the last month plus I just couldn't make it over to Tampa for the festivities. My sister-in-law I think was worried that I didn't go because it was a religious ceremony. Now please understand and I would love to have a much deeper conversation with anyone about this, but for the purposes of the blog I do believe in God and that God created life, I do believe anyone considering or following a religion should study the history of it before or at least at the same time as the teachings of it, I did not go to church much growing up because Sunday was the one day a week my dad watched us, and I think religion is great for so many people but to date is not an important part of my life. I also don't believe you have to pray to God or go to church to live an angellic life that is positive and helps so many others. Maybe some day that will change, I have been to quite a few churches in my time liking parts of each one, and I do believe anyone that tries to convert others into believing as they believe is a bit narcissistic. Look at the 100's or 1000's of religions across the world and why are you so sure yours is correct and a few billion other humans are wrong? Just something to think about. And one more time because I'm asked this quite a bit, I have no anger toward God at all because of Hope's passing. I don't think God picked her out of the human race and chose for her to have cancer as some kind of example or anything else. At the end all I wanted for her was to pass away so she could leave her failing body and let her spirit be free. I have no anger at all over any of this, just relief now and thanks that it all happened the way it did. She immortalized the strongest soul I will probably ever encounter, but it was her time to move on when she did.

Back to my point, and I do actually have one from time to time. I told Hope's brother and his wife that I have no problem with going to church, attending a religious ceremony, just because I said penis and vagina at Hope's celebration doesn't mean I don't respect churches or their services, and the only ceremony I could think of that I'm against is sacrificing virgins. Don't go wasting a perfectly good virgin for some silly ceremony to honor God. I'm pretty sure he (or she --- that was for you Mom) is either not paying attention or is going to get really pissed at anyone involved in the sacrifice. I do like the fact that after some really long services they let you eat a wafer (or cracker or whatever the proper term is) and drink some wine. I do the same thing when I need God's strenght I eat some Flipsides (come on Nabisco, give me some props) and drink some grape juice as I like to refer to it for the kids.

I am drinking plenty of grape juice during my pregnancy to help the devil child inside me build up strength. I think my hummus and popcorn dinner tonight really helped him and/or her out too. I think I'm starting to show a bit and I just want to thank all of you for not saying anything. There's nothing more uncomfortable then asking a man when they are due with their demon and then finding out they're not even pregnant. I really appreciate the respect you guys show me that way. Unfortunately it's an immaculate conception and no hot chick involved. I bring that up because Nathan one night when he was with my mom said something about hot chicks. Now mind you I never speak like that around him so I have no idea unless he's reading the blog where he heard such a thing. My mom didn't miss a beat though, she asked inquisitively "What do you think a hot chick is?" He immediately answered a pretty woman that men like to loook at. I was blown away by this conversation, his answer was absolutely perfect and he already has so much more class then his dad.

Speaking of hot chicks I was at another kid's birthday party yesterday and I realized my mermaid fetish was out of control. First of all ladies I was very upset none of you showed up with a tail on Halloween to show me a pretty woman that this man would like to look at. Anywho they had a mermaid cake and all I could think about but didn't dare say because none of the parents know me well enough was that scene in the first American Pie movie when Dad walks in on Jason Biggs (Jim Levenstein if memory serves) humping a pie because he was told it was like having sex. I just wanted to try the same to see if that would satisfy my mermaid fetish --- sadly it didn't and by the way I'm no longer allowed within 1200 feet of the Crane Creek park according to the Police report. How can they really enforce that anyway? By the way, that movie launched one of the all-time worst acting careers for Elizabeth Shannon (Nadia) but I'll still see anything she's in rated R. Wow, now that's a woman that men like to look at.

I know this weekend will be tough including Thanksgiving, memories of the worst weekend of my life just one year ago, and Hope's birthday but I'm actually looking forward to it. I was supposed to catch up with a friend tonight but that didn't work out ultimately, tomorrow night I have a friend coming by after the kids go to bed that I haven't caught up with in too long so I'm looking forward to that, Wed night we have a ton of friends/family in town coming her for dinner after we have a pot luck and close the office earlier in the day, Thanksgiving tradition at Mom's, Friday up to FSU/UF game weekend where I get to see if I can track down Kirk Herbstreit because Gameday is going to be there, Sunday back home before taking the kids to Sea World and hopefully the Gaylord Palms on Monday for Hope's birthday. We're busy, having fun, loving life, and even though we have our moments we know Hope is right here with us enjoying it all as well. Let's hope our Noles can keep the game close this weekend and I'm going to have a cookie decorating / please help me decorate my house with Christmas ornaments party like we did last year and Whitney and Tom have to put up the NOEL (spelled NOLE at my house) letters in the front yard.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I am pregnant!

Wow a lot has happened in the past month since my last blog, you remember the one that I promised to do a better job keeping up with blogging?!? Since then we went out of town 3 of the 5 weekends, and spent the other two going to and throwing the boys' birthday parties. In between we worked in football games, bike/scooter riding (Natedog got a new bike that is the same size as mine and rides like a champ, Reese got a new scooter and is working on riding Nate's old bike with no training wheels), lots of time with friends/family, and so much more. I'm blown away at the number of people that say they read the blog, most of which gave me shit for going so long without a new one. Believe me, I love doing it because it's so therapeutic for me. I wish I had more time to do them and will try to do a better job keeping it a priority because it's so good for me but more importantly I can't wait for the kids to see what we were going through when they were young and maybe don't have as many memories. Where else can someone with a messed up coconut puke out useless information with bits of tidbits about his family and Tiffani Amber-Thiessen (BTW --- see the text thing is still going --- I saw a commercial for her in a new series but I don't know what it is so someone please help me).

A quick recap of the events we have endured and enjoyed since the last blog:
  • Did my man's weekend with the sports trifecta in New England where we had row 9 behind the batter's box Sox tix on Friday night, started on the goal line in the first row before moving to the second row behind the FSU bench on the 40 (then I went up to the upper deck to hang with the Ford's in the second half on the 50) on Saturday, and then skybox 50 yard-line Pats Tix on Sunday. We only paid for the FSU tix, all 3 games were incredible despite the FSU loss, and the Ford's showed us how to tailgate in a parking garage BC style to the delight of all. Chad, Dan, and Adam/Bro/Kathy/Bill, I'll never be able to thank you enough for making it so great!
  • Celebrated Reese's birthday with a bowling party that turned into as much or more fun for the adults as the kids. All that and no clean-up, it was incredible. FYI for others wanting to do the same, don't open a tab at the bar and then invite my friends' to come unless your car payment seems small to you.
  • Somehow that day the entire party convninced me to have a football party at the house later that night so they all came over with some other friends making the whole day a big party and in the end Reese had two friends spend the night. One was a girl Kylie he has the 2nd biggest crush on ever (the first is Lindsay next door). He got to sleep next to her in the man's room and I could not wipe the smile off his face like the day after I lost my virginity. FTR (see how I work that in?) that was the same day we conceived Natedog Hope's dad, mom, grandmama, brothers/sisters, uncles/aunts, etc. And just to make sure it was going to be a boy we followed the old wive's tail that you do it upside down on a trapeze while wearing the Princess Leia Return of the Jedi gold bikini with my light saber trying to free her (can you believe Hope fell for that one? --- nah me either).
  • One more quick anectodote about that, the boys and I at dinner all the time say things like raise your hand if you like broccoli or gnome porn or shrimp (you get the idea). One day out of the blue Reese says, "Raise your hand if you want to marry Kylie." Nathan and I just looked at each other like we both tasted Hope's tuna casserole for the first time without hot sauce.
  • We went to grandmama's in SC for her 80th birthday party (she and the rest of the familiy will probably disown me after reading this blog). I visited an old friend Mark and his beautiful family/house in Savannah on the way up followed by a speeding ticket just to get there. Thank goodness the officer was distracted by the kids being naked and running around the back of the SUV so he did not even notice my rum and coke. More on this trip in a bit...
  • Celebrated Halloween followed the next day by a work trip to Tallahassee for me that I just got home from about 10:30 PM on Monday night --- thanks Mom for watching the boys, they now think every Sunday is eat candy for two meals a day followed by pumpkin ice cream for dessert. Tallahassee was hard, it was my first time back since Hope passed. We lived there 2 years together and basically spent 4 years together up there. I went by our old apartment and it had changed so much it felt weird. I think just being there without Hope in the flesh already made me feel strange.
  • I know I'm forgetting stuff but my blogs are already too long as it is. BTW Man-Marie promises to show me how to post pics so all of the ladies that like my writing (counting Mom and she just says that because she has to that makes a total of 1.5) can finally see my picture, quietly throw up in their mouths, and never think about me again --- kind of like the first day of school in Florida, junior high, high school, and college relived. I will never forget my first week of school in Florida, I cried all morning each day until Mom dropped me off at Audubon Elementary in the Fiat every day that first week. In hindsight, I imagine it was much tougher on her then me. I love you Mom for always being strong, and except for Gram and Gramp you are the only person in my entire life always there for me. I also know you grew to love Hope more then me which was obvious by your visits and phone calls, "Is Hope there?" Mom I know it's you, we have caller ID dammit!

Back to the SC visit, it was the first time except for the Tampa/Mermaid trip (it will forever be known as the mermaid trip for me) I had seen any of Hope's family except a trip earlier in the year to NC. This one included her grandmama, mom, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, etc. They could not have been more gracious to the boys and I, truly treating us as family because we always will be (their words). Happy 80th grandmama, you literally could still pass for 60! After I got back, I did write the following e-mail to everyone there:

There was obviously a huge gaping hole there and that's why I've had trouble making the leap of faith forward to bring the boys up as that was Hope's second favorite place in the world. John and I talked about it a bit, Caroll said some really nice things, but otherwise she went unmentioned except for a couple of cracks I made. I'm not sure if that's par for the course when you guys get together, but I can tell you the boys and I talk about her all the time and just in case we don't during the day we always talk to her before bed telling her our favorite part of the day and kissing her picture. I can tell you from experience, it's easier to talk about her then not to. It makes it much harder in the long run when you don't. I think we can all agree she was and is one of the most positive and loving parts of all of our lives, and she always will be as long as we keep her memory alive. I can guarantee you I will always do my part and then some. How about each of you? It's not a criticism at all, I only spent a short time with ya'll and you may have felt as strange as I did. I just didn't feel it was my place to talk about it while there during such a great celebration.

As I've mentioned in past blogs and to so many of you in person, please talk about her as much as you want to. It doesn't bother me and the boys love hearing more about their mommy. Hope's grandmama grows sunflowers in a huge field behind her house. They were dead so the kids and I spent half the weekend back there whacking them down like droids in Star Wars as their sticks were light sabers. They loved it. I'll also never forget a previous visit with a sister-in-law to remain nameless said, "ahhhh, it's so nice they grow a field of sunflowers for the birds to feed on." Then we showed her the 100's of shotgun shells in a rainbow of colors the kids collected before her face turned white like she tried Hope's tuna casserole (see even in the afterlife I'll still make fun of you). Thanks again Joey, best boiled peanuts I ever had and some of them were as big as kiwi. My tongue still feels like I licked the XXXL bucket of popcorn at the movie theatre, but it was worth it.

That brings us to Halloween, where we had a Nathan zombie (I'm dying to see that movie Zombieland with Woody from Cheers as I love horror movies and that one looks great --- that reminds me I watch the movie 1408 with John Cusack about a week ago. Since I love horror movies and his typical quirky off-beat characters/movies I thought it would be great. The movie was good until towards the end, where you learned he recently lost his daughter. In the haunted hotel room he could communicate with and even hug his daughter. Just hearing his daughter's voice made me long to hear Hope's so much. Watching those scenes was incredibly difficult as I sat in the family room alone feeling like the only person on earth, ironically it was the same thing his character was going through trying to escape the room. It's a decent movie, but don't watch it if you recently lost a loved one) and Reese was Commander Rex from the Star Wars Clone Wars movie. We went to a huge neighborhood party on Friday where a bunch of friends unplanned came back to the house.

The Mozz, a great old friend since I moved to FLA at age 11 even came over because he was in town unexpectedly for the weekend. He's lived in the Middle East for the last 18 years or so and then Africa more recently running a resort in Zanzibar. To make a very interesting and long story short and boring on purpose, welcome back Mozz and if I ever am short on cash I'm taking you back to the Zanzibarian government to collect my reward. Anyway waves of friends kept coming over until the last group arrived around 2 AM. They stayed until 4:30 AM and even one lucky lady spent the night because she had a 45 minute drive. I used all my best moves and before I could finish my prayer that the Celts big 3 stay healthy this year to keep the evil purple and gold from catching up with us for championships (I'm sure that's what she was thinking about too between the snores) she was alone and asleep in the man's room. I'm still 0 for 36 years and counting except the two times with Hope, thank goodness for her kindness and pity on me. That of course is the perfect segway to the title of this blog, I'm pregnant.

Now I know some of you naysayers, doctors, folks with a brain, etc. may doubt this but my office assistant Jamie did a thorough examination via e-mail so I know it's true (I'm still waiting for some one else to do a more thorough exam but until then the long showers help). I felt light headed and nauseous one morning getting out of the shower after a run while I had a hankering for pickles and ice cream so there was no other logical conclusion. Jamie knew from her schoolin' growing up in Umatilla (I could not make that up if I wanted to) where they learned her about the Virgin Mary getting knocked up without relations so that had to be what happened to me except she then recalled the anti-christ would be visiting us earthlings again soon. So the conclusion is that I'm carrying a demon child (kind of like my mom's second child --- I love you brother!).

So I figured despite my condition because I'm carrying a demon I would not follow through with all of the standard pregnancy rules, such as I think caffeine and alcohol should be encouraged for a demon child. I'm doing my best to follow through on those, espeically the latter. I need to stop exercising and stay on a strict hot wing and potato skin diet to give him more room to grow (look at that, I'm already calling him a him --- I'm tearing up). Where are your menstruals because I think I'm getting some of those cramps? Please let me know if you think my breasts are getting larger but don't stare, it makes me uncomfortable. You know I have eyes men!!! It's so disrespectful toward us pregnant man/women. I wonder if I'll have an outy? Are they all outies eventually when you go full term? What is full term for a man with a demon, is it like the elephant or more like women? Man my nipples are aching which brings me back to my bachelor party and Dirty Dave I'll never forgive you for the pain you put me through that night (now while that may sound like a gay moment I assure you it wasn't but while I can't tell you in mixed company exactly what they were doing I can tell you the nipple scabbing on me barely healed in time for the honeymoon. For the first time ever in the history of mankind you could hear a man in my house say, "not tonight honey I'm saving it for the honeymoon.")

Back to texting lingo, HSICBWLTWJBPOF. What you don't know that one? That's Hope's family texting after they read this blog saying Holy Shit I Can't Believe We Let This Whack Job Be Part Of the Family. Too late my friends, I already said "back back no take backs" so it's permanent now. Those are society's rules, I don't make them up I just live by them so we don't have lawlessness. That reminds me of a few others like when you say the same thing at the same time you say "jinx you owe me a coke," or touch a screw and lift your feet when you cross a railroad in the car, or like on the episode of Webster (now who remembers Webster, our second early 80's fetish with a midgetesque black child --- Gary Coleman being the first, "What you talking about Willis?") where he would say "Reggie Jackson Bless You" after somebody sneezed because he was mad at God for taking away his parents, or arguing with the front desk when you check out of a hotel that you shouldn't have to pay for the entire adult movie since you only watched 10 minutes of it. Those are society's rules, without them lawlessness (I'm sorry but I just like typing and saying that word).

Halloween, speaking of lawlessness (see how I worked that in again and provided a smooth segway beyond my unsual anywho), was incredible. We must have trick-or-treated with over 30 kids and even more parents pulling wagons of cold beverages for the kids because it was hot down here (maybe a few cold ones for the adults too, after all my Mom was there and you know how she gets on a Saturday night if she doesn't get her PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon for non-texters or anyone under the age of 30) sixpack by 7 PM). The kids loved it, Nathan and Reese lead the way sprinting from house to house hitting many of them twice. They each had two huge bags filled with candy. If only I liked chocolate, but who knows with the way my hormones are screaming from the demon child maybe I'll start to like chocolate again. I also decided to dress up like Tim Tebow complete with scriptures on my black eye gunk (I think that's the technical term for it) and strut around Gainesville so I could see what it's like to have women from age 18 to 81 throwing themselves at you. Engineering groupies while a huge group and very active, don't even come close to living up to the Tebow throwdowns.

I've got to finish this up, so I'll leave you with two things Reese said recently. The first I was sitting on the toilet with Mocha laying on my shorts/underwear like always between my legs, both boys in talking to me (if you read previous blogs you know why I don't even bother closing the door anymore unless we have company and even that is 50/50), when Reese said in the sweetest voice ever, "don't you wish you could still talk to mommy?" I started to tear up, was about to explain how I do every day as does he, I'd give anything for just a few more moments with mommy, how there's nothing more I want then to have one more conversation with her, and all of these emotions were overwhelming me while Mocha licked her butt on my shorts. Before I could utter one word he then said, Mr. Crabs is funny when he says "fire on the poop deck Dad." And you thought my blogs were random, how about a five-year-old's mind? Going from one of the most insightful thoughts about death to Spongebob quotes in a matter of seconds, you have to love kids. We can all learn a lot.

Second Reese story was that out of the blue he said I want to be 14 so I can trick-or-treat past 9 PM. Somehow this came up on Halloween and that was the number discussed, don't ask me why I made up such a dumb rule on the fly. Anywho (at least I worked in one this blog), Natedog said turning 16 would be better then he could drive. Nana chimed in, then Nathan can drive you around everywhere Reese. Reese responded with, "then would Nathan be my daddy?" As always I love to hear from anyone that actually gets through reading these blogs, happy November, and if you know the gestation period for a demon child please let me know. I'm not sure about the date of the immaculate conception, but my best guess is was on the 25 cent wing and all the chili you can eat night at Beef O's because I felt like something exploded inside and out of me that night. I'm registered at Babies R Us and nobody has stepped up to throw my shower so if you act fast you could be the lucky winner to throw my party.