Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Lucky 13 and a new fetish

Well today would have been my 13th year married to Hope. We just missed out on 12 years falling 24 days short. You cops out there know what a baker's dozen donuts is (just a terrible joke --- which actually I made the other day when putting a proposal together for a police substation to someone with no personality and it turns out is an ex-cop, that was uncomfortable) and today would have been ours. Please know if I've offended you with a bad joke in the past it's just that and I'm an equal opportunity offender with friends, families, police, etc. If you're a first time blog reader I'm very sorry and if you are a police officer please go back and read previous blogs about how much I love and respect you guys and how I think you're underpaid (that's all the asskissing I have in me right now). I've actually been so busy fighting this redistricting of our school trying to keep my kids at their current location, work's been crazy, friends in town, basketball, etc. I didn't even realize over the weekend January was ending. So my day started out like any Monday until I got to work and scheduled my first appointment. Then it hit me right when I was in the middle of trying to do 3 things like that feeling in the first SAW movie when he cut his own leg off. I felt numb, almost like I just cheated on her for not remembering sooner.

I struggled through the day and being busy helped. I had a late meeting so I didn't get home until after 7 PM. The kids had already eaten at a fundraiser for their school (better be next year's school too if we're successful) at Sonic so only I had not eaten. We decided to go to one of Hope's favorite restaurants (Longdoggers) and I ordered the Mahi sandwich she always got and the boys split two huge chocolate desserts (thanks for the idea Traci) that Hope would have been proud of. One of my fave pics of her and the boys was them attacking each other over a mountion of chocolate dessert at Uno's with forks. If you've ever seen gymkatta, an old school movie with Olympian Kurt Thomas running around a village using his gymnastics to save the world in a death race through a village (what town village in the iron curtain didn't have uneven parallel bars and a pommel horse in it's center just in case a gymnast needs to fight off (or pummel --- see what I did there with the play on words???) an entire village of zombie like pitch fork wielding villagers trying to stop a race to the death in order to save the hot princess). Anyway the battle of forks between Hope and the boys always reminded me of that movie. If memory serves his name was John Cabot, damn I'm full of useless information if that's right. It was a classic low-budget cold war movie and Kurt Thomas was all of 5'-4" tall so watching him fight professional wrestler types (you know bodies like mine) was hilarious. Although the best all-time professional wrestler cast in a great movie has to be Andre the Giant in the Princess Bride. If you haven't seen that movie in a while check it out again. I know that's a tough call comparing it to Hulk Hogan flicks or the remake of the Longest Yard but I'm willing to just throw controversial things like that out there. By the way I have to say Burt Reynolds and William Shatner's rugs are looking better all the time. Burt Reynolds, Hope, Pee-wee Herman, and I are all proud graduates of FSU (Jim Morrison attended too but oddly dropped out due to drugs, kind of like Randy Moss).

Speaking of Superheroes the Wonder Twins have always bothered me. They were the two weakest superheroes and I think the only reason Batman kept them around (admit you have to know Batman was in charge at the Hall of Justice) was that their Monkey Gleek (BTW Dora totally ripped Gleek off with Boots and if I'm Hanna-Barbara I'm suing her bilingual butt) always provided the belly laugh as they all stood around the Hall at the end of the episode. And why didn't the wonder twin that didn't have to be something water related just become Superman? You know two Supermans would have kicked some serious ass! Instead they would choose a gorilla or giraffe and use their long neck. Superman would have just flown up there not reached his neck out. Under my tutilidge (no idea how to spell, help a brother out Tina?) they would have been so much more. I would have even whooped that monkey Gleek (Maria it is everything I can do not to put in a joke about you here after you stood me up this weekend but I'll be good --- for now) into a superhero. Just saying...

I mentioned redistricting because it's taken a ton of our time up lately. Many meetings, writing and signing petitions, e-mails, phone calls, texts, etc. I've been nominated to lead the charge for my subdivision of 740 families but have had so much help it's been amazing. I've made some really good friends along the way and met so many other great people. Just my luck so far they're all happily married or have good taste and won't give me the time of day. Feb 9th is the big vote by the schoolboard and we'll be there in force fighting to keep our kids in their current school. On 2/10 I hope I'm blogging about spending 6 more years at Longleaf. Maybe that bottle of champagne I mentioned in the last blog will make its way out if we are successful and all those mom's that want nothing to do with me will at least help me enjoy that. That does remind me of some advice from my brother and a friend. That was that any women that are attractive and single without a divorce (or otherwise long relationship break-up) my age are nuts! There's only one exception so far I've met but generally I think that's good advice. Another was that if I try to go to bars and pick up women to hang out by the women's restroom. When you see a woman run into the bathroom and come out a long time later with some vomit on their blouse they're "almost ready." Thanks guys, with friends like you I'll be back at the altar in no time.

That reminds me of a conversation I had at work. Now most of you know that I'm about as laid back as they come with everything but work and the kids. Well everyone at my office has the same attitude (work hard but play harder) so we have some pretty bad conversations that would make even Toby on the Office cringe (Hope has to want to strike me down by letting things go as a former HR person). I always just yell out lunch break so I'm not liable when the conversations go south, that works doesn't it (I honestly don't really want to know)? Anywho, today I received an e-mail with a newspaper article about how staring at an attractive set of breasts is healthy and they compared it to exercising for a half hour. It gets your juices flowing like the workout. So if you catch me staring please let me finish up my ten minutes so I don't have to workout that night. I'm a health nut that's all ladies. My office manager somehow didn't agree I should be sending that out to try and keep our health costs down, I think she just wants men to die young (the article said they could live 4 to 5 years longer by doing this). In fact the other day we were talking about buying a new vehicle when I used the term pedofilish to describe a van I saw (you know the black or white one with no windows except maybe the tinted moon in the back with the old school A-Team style, just not as cool). I think I invented a new adjective you should see in Webster next year. Along those same lines another co-worker told me the other day I was a ken doll to her. So my nickname goes from Fancy Prancy Nancy (see previous blogs for reasoning) to the gender neutral ken doll. I wonder how many others feel that way about me? I think I'm offended but not quite sure still. Hmmm.

Now someone that wasn't gender neutral but I'm still not sure which gender hit on me a couple of weekends ago. I was at a gay bar with the Mozz for his last night out before he was flying out the next day to a new job half way across the world (how we ended up at the gay bar is a long story but it actually was not on purpose and we learned about wine alchohol there as apparently it's a way to get around having a liquor license as it's half the proof and tastes fruity, kind of like the guys in the place we were at --- you had to see that joke coming). We were supposed to have 3 other friends join us (two women FTR) but all 3 bailed as the night went on. We were sitting at the end of the bar with my back to the wall when the Mozz went to the bathroom and left his barstool. I was texting someone when all of a sudden a man/woman that reminded me of the man hands episode from Seinfeld (it's not a twist-off) was leaning over his stool talking to the bartender. I was busy texting but before I knew he/she was rubbing my leg furiously and probably could have pulled it off like a turkey leg if he/she wanted to.

Obviously that got my attention so I turned and I really wasn't sure if it was a man, woman, or somewhere in between and I could not tell you with any certainty which direction they were heading. Shoulders were broader then mine (I know hard to believe with my bulk), hands bigger then an Avatar (see the pop up to date culture reference, I don't only live in the 80's you know), and I'm staring up to it. I had a few drinks at that point and can't recall how the coversation went but I was backed up against the wall remembering that I would never be so happy when Mozz got back. Now I have gay friends, had no problem being in the bar, believe everyone should choose whatever makes them happy, and even think some people are born gay and it's not just a choice or an environmental thing. I say that with some conviction because of some kids I grew up with. When we left there was a group outside because it was a great evening (remember we live in Florida in January) and as we walked away they were calling after us like construction workers to a woman. I think I turned back and blew them a kiss but that part of the evening was getting fuzzy. The Mozz can drink me under the table and I was trying to hang, which of course I regretted the next morning.

One more point about that evening, wouldn't you assume Mozz and I were a couple? He went to the bathroom for just a couple of minutes and I was instantly being manhandled (literally, now that was funny!). Are there no rules of hitting on another guy's man in the gay community? We have dicks before chicks and other rules so what's the deal in the gay community? Help me out in case I switch teams due to lack of interest from the other. Are lesbians the same way? Maybe this was an unusual incident and we all follow the same rules. I have never once in my life been hit on by a woman in a bar and I've spent some time in them in years past (single and married years) but one of the first times ever at a gay bar I'm manhandled (that still cracks me up BTW). Go figure, maybe I'm on the wrong team. Help me out, am I considered a good-looking gay guy? I've always felt and written before I feel like a lesbian trapped in a man's body so maybe I'm missing something here. Fancy Nancy, plants, cooking, decorating, candles, my orgasmic kitchen mat, hmmm again...

A friend just told me about a group on Facebook that got my attention. It's called "I've Seen Jake Wise Naked." Lucky for you it's a wrestler in NC and not me. I was afraid for a couple of minutes it was a friend or family member trying to get revenge on me for blog comments. This guy wishes he had my abs, pecs and chest. That reminds me that over the weekend for a class assignment for Nathan I had to go through old pictures to show what he looked like growing up. It was really difficult because of course Hope was all over the place in different levels of health and happiness. I had almost forgotten how strong she was the first go-round losing her hair and eyebrows, some of our trips, and some amazing moments only a family can share. I cried a lot but it felt really good as that was the first time I had gone through old pictures. He brought them in today along with a letter that I wrote and Reese wrote to read to the class. I almost made a copy and sent in the letter Hope wrote to Nathan when she knew she wasn't going to survive. However I thought that was too much to share with a 2nd grade class. I've read the letter twice now and it makes me ball like the Ray Liotta ER episode (some things just get to you and stick with you --- that one was about my dad). She has so much love for our children and I know is right here with us trying to fork her way into their desserts.

I promise I'm wrapping this up. Finally my new fetish. I never go to the movies but did see Avatar 3-D. If you haven't seen it do before it leaves the theaters. However the only thing I could think of was again the manhands episode on Seinfeld watching these giant Amazon aliens manhandle humans. Any movie you root against mankind you know it's good because they have written a story so well you root aginst yourself. I now want an amazon mermaid woman that's a great mom to sweep me off my feet, and if she's bi-sexual with a taste for animal porn all the better. Now how hard can that be to find? Maybe I should lower my standards a bit to just an amazon mermaid, the kids have been babied enough they'll be fine at this point. Lucky 13 doesn't quite feel that way today, but I know I'm a lucky guy. Happy anniversary Hope, I know we'll always be together and as we discussed I'm trying to slowly move forward too. Maybe after this blog I just cut out any female readers from the dating pool --- ahh they probably lost interest reading in paragraph 2 so I could be safe...

-Just Jake.