Monday, June 29, 2009

Cured and Dating

I am cured...again! At my last psycho appointment she really did say she was impressed with my improvements and that unless I really wanted to see her every two weeks we could go to 3 weeks now. I saw that as a positive sign since I'm not making any money this year and I'm paying out of pocket for our get-togethers. Since the only impression I had of psychiatry was from the movies prior to all of this and to date she has not once made a move on me I'm feeling like Rodney Dangerfield paying for a hooker that doesn't do anything but talk on the first date. I imagine other cultures that only know us from TV and movies must think we're all cowboys or are at least carrying heat, if you order a pizza it comes with a hole in the bottom of the box and it comes with pepperoni and sex, we have square sponges that live in pineapples at the bottom of the sea, all of our women weigh 80 pounds with double D's, and that even the absolute worst murders can be wrapped up in 60 to 120 minutes depending on the medium. By the way, by far my favorite response to the last blog was from Anna and yes we will always be friends. Be strong my brother!

So I am cured again, feeling really good, caught up on bills for the first time since Hope passed, and looking forward to a great 4th Holiday with family. More on that after the holiday and you'll understand why then. We had an incredibly fun weekend, basketball on Saturday morning and Nathan was a manbeast on the boards and practically scored at will (I had to ask him to pass the ball in the second half so some of the other kids could score). I owe the kids more ice cream because we had to institute the bribe for them to not score as much again (five passes so everyone touches the ball before they can shoot). I actually had a grandfather come up to me after the last game and give me the biggest compliment about how I coached the kids and handled them during the game. He said he's coached his entire life and never saw anyone like me. I only mention it because you almost never get any feedback except negative as a coach because a parent didn't like something. It made me feel good that at least one senile old man thinks I'm doing a good job. Then he called me Susan and kissed me on the lips so I'm not sure his credibility is rock solid. At least he's a good kisser...

I have to go fold laundry so I'll be back (oh the crazy lifestyle of a single dad in Melbourne, dare to dream out there boys). I'm back and willing to pay anyone $1000 dollars to match and fold our freaking socks! They never all match up and why can't I train myself or the kids to at least keep them right side out when we take them off??? I'm going to give each one of us one pair per week to wear from now on so if it's getting close to the weekend you may want to keep your distance from us. Anyway the at least he's a good kisser was supposed to be my segway into dating. I've been asked many times when I'll be ready (in other words are you ever taking your ring off --- even the pest control guy asked me that one today and then he went on for 45 minutes about his pending divorce and by the way Joyce if you're out there Steve seems like a really good guy so you should not blame him for wanting his mom to move in even though she's really mean to you but if you want to know his pin number and where he hides his house key he told me that too), can I set you up with my single friend that has a really good personality, are you still into farm animals (okay that was only from Maria), gay yet or still just faking it (that was from Sylvester, Chuck Woolery, and my new Facebook pal from the Keys trip), are the rumors/legends true that engineers are the best lovers and deserve to be catered to their every desire, etc. etc. etc.

Yes ladies the last one is absolutely true and you can measure an engineer's prowess (I have to remember Hope's family reads this) by the size of his blog. By the way Dirk Diggler from Boogie Nights has nothing on civil engineers with big blogs (for the record, who would have ever thought Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch would become such an incredible actor and in how many movies will Heather Graham play a prostitutue --- Boogie Nights, Killing me Softly, and The Hangover which I just saw this weekend and it was amazingly funny ((especially the cameos by Wayne Newton and Carrot Top at the end of the movie)) --- does anyone else remember her in Growing Pains, come on what's hotter then Heather, Joanna Kerns, Tracey Gold throwing up trying to weigh 60 pounds, and the always hunky Kirk Cameron??? Okay, I'm way off subject again and yes I would love to have a best hair contest between Alan Thicke (great name for a hair guy), Chuck Woolery, and Burt Reynolds (our proudest FSU alumni).

So the question about dating lead me to think about what an amazing catch a guy like me would be for some lucky lady born in 1991 or earlier (can you freaking believe I could legally date someone born in the 90's --- man I'm getting old!). I started thinking about all my good qualities and came up with the following list:
  • I've been out of the game for about 2 decades so if 8 track tapes and corduroy bell bottoms are still the rage I'll be fine.

  • If I can still have a date in the trunk for drive in movies to save a $1.00 I've got no problem with that.

  • If popcorn, candy and a soda pop are still less than $2 and the kind gentleman in the red jacket will escort us to our seat with his flashlight I know that routine.

  • I can use my corduroy bell bottoms to hide my court ordered ankle tracking bracelet and as long as I don't go within 1000 feet of a daycare, school, church, or Tina's place I am not breaking the law again.

  • If I can cry incessantly for no reason at a certain smell, song, memory, etc. like a pregnant woman with hormones on crack and ramble on about Hope for 4 hours without a problem then I'm great.

  • If my potential date is cool with coming to my house only after 9 or 10 PM depending on how the boys are doing for some mac and cheese or hot dogs, a deaf dog that now barks at nothing way too often, helping me fold laundry and pay bills, make lunch for the next day, watch me return e-mails and phone calls, clean the house/playroom, or if she can time it right when I'm really caught up on things weed by flashlight, clean, and wipe pee off the back of the toilet and floor (I love that I still get to blame the kids for that one) then I am the guy for you.

  • Loves sarcasm more than honesty and considers it foreplay, muscles aren't important, agrees freckling is better than tanning, thinks a deviated septum from two broken noses is sexy, enjoys Family Guy and anything with David Hasselhoff (and you better refer to him as only "THE HOFF" if you want to stay in the fan club), agrees the ultimate intimate night includes Papi with a homer, Paps with a save, old man papa Wakefield (local Melbourne boy) with another win, followed by dinner/flowers/conversation/cuddling/sex if absolutely necessary in 2 to 8 minutes before I settle into Sportscenter highlights and watching the 300 one more time. Tonight Spartans we dine in HELLLLL!

  • Wants to be a stepmom to 3 wiseboys that span 32 years with the exact same level of maturity throughout except maybe Nathan that acts older then his age.

  • And most importantly agrees the perfect weekend is attending the Red Sox on Friday, FSU/BC on Saturday, Pats on Sunday, followed by a liver transplant and rubbing my feet from standing in the port-a-potty line (that reminds me of the time at a Bucs game at half-time that I went with Ann-Marie to one line was moving faster then the others so I jumped into it and it was the handicap stall. 3 guys were going in and leaving at a time and I could only figure the sink and toilet until I went in as lucky number 3 and peed into the toilet can that was about 1/3 full of urine --- wouldn't you think they would have at least gone to a webbed trash can by now?).

Get in line ladies, being an engineer I'm used to groupies so there's no need to be embarrassed. It's hard on me when I walk out of the XXX store and the engineering papparrazzi are just shooting pics left and right. I hope you're okay with the limelight. In my typically long winded ramblings I am only trying to say that I think I'm keeping the wedding ring on for a bit longer (sorry Steve the pest control guy) and hanging with my closest lady friends Lindsey and Erica the most often (they are 14 and 16, respectively, and before you start calling the police (AGAIN!) they are the ones watching the boys 4 days a week over the summer). In the meantime I'm enjoying being cured, getting out once in a while on good behavior, looking forward to the 4th and two great family gatherings on Sat and Sun, and for the most part enjoying life again.

One of my favorite people ever, Ann-Marie, lost her grandfather this week. She was Hope's best friend, lost her Dad less than a year before Hope, then Hope of course, and now her grandfather that she was very close with. She can't stand to be in ICU or hospice anymore and nobody can blame her. We love you Ann-Marie and as much crap as you have to put up with me since Hope assigned you to watch out over the 3 wisemen we are here for you now. After all I'm cured and ready to help others now...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Fucking Father's Day

Maybe that's not the greatest title for a blog from one of the most greatful parents of all time. I love my incredible boys, being a Dad is the greatest honor possible I could imagine, they ARE the reason I'm even functioning after what we've been through, yet despite all that I had a really tough Father's Day. Let me step back though first to recap since the last blog. I feel like Mike Myers and Dana Carvey in Wayne's World rubbing my eyes, going doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo while a target starts spinning to go back in time (or even better then that was in Wayne's World's first move when Tia Carrerre ((who by the way finally did the right thing and got in Playboy)) was on-stage playing a hard rock song (((Ballroom Blitz if memory serves) ((((by the way how many parenthesis and freaking side thoughts can I have in one sentence)))) and all Wayne saw was stars and only heard Gary Wright's song Dream Weaver. By the way, any movie that brought Queen back in the spotlight deserves immense gratitude. How many people except losers like me that still had the Queen the Game record still listened to Bohemian Rhapsody when that movie came out? Now a whole other generation gets to enjoy Freddie Mercury's voice and antics and Brian May's guitar rifts because of one scene in one movie.

Amazing, I wish I had that kind of power to bring back other childhood idols of mine like Daisy Duke, Firestar from Spiderman and his Amazing Friends, Julie from the Love Boat (why was she always so freaking happy anyway?), Chuck Woolery with his 2 minutes and 2 seconds catch phrase (yes another man crush but not as big as Rocky or the Hoff), Princess Leia's bikini outfit in Return of the Jedi literally choking Jabba the Hut to death (almost the same thing David Carridine was into I hear), Loni Anderson in WKRP in Cincinatti, Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman (okay, how many people remember a horrible TV series that must have lasted about 2 and 1/2 episodes with both of them past their primes called Partners in Crime --- by the way I never missed an episode for obvious reasons), and everyone's all-time favorite Mr. Furley from Three's Company that I still pattern my wardrobe after (I'm colorblind and my sister helped me dress growing up saying you can't have too many plaids or ever enough scarves). I now feel like Richard Kline's character Larry from downstairs in 3's Company, the weird perverted neighbor that always was hitting on the girls but never had any success (favorite all-time scene, a girl walks up to the Regal Beagle bar (great freaking name) and he asks her if he can buy her a drink, she obliges and then the bartender says "Happy hour's over" and Larry immediately says, "Same time tomorrow?"). By the way if I ever open a bar I'm naming it the Office ("Hey honey, I'm going to the office" --- how great is that???). I think in this economic climate only bars, strip clubs, and churches are making money. Yes I put them in order of importance.

Per my last blog and so many of you contacted me on the Friday of Reese's doctor appointment to check in, the doc did not see anything that worried him too much on his lip. He asked me to come back in 8 weeks to take a wait and see approach for now. He took pics so he could compare next time but that was enough for me to feel good for now. No biopsy, no anesthesia, no lab tests, no painful waiting for a phone call, no worries for now. It's nothing and we're moving on dammit! By the way I switched insurances since Hope passed because it was costing my small business a small fortune but could not switch while she was still being treated, and so the appointment was out of pocket. I mentioned it to the doc hoping he'd cut me a break (and keep in mind this was one of Hope's docs that showed up all the time in her hospital room, at her surgeries, and other places) and he waived all fees for our appointment. Dr. B, we went to you because you're the best no matter what it cost me and one more time you showed me why you are the best. I'll tell you what, Hope has brought together more positive spirits, souls, attitudes, friends, family, and HOPE for mankind then anyone I have ever known.

My brother came down last Friday and on Saturday after Nathan's 2nd straight win in basketball (by the way it all comes down to brilliant masterful coaching in this age group) we went to the Keys for an unknown amount of time. We stayed at an amazing clothing optional pool hotel and the clothes were often not the option of choice. Unfortunately it was all couples so for every great pair we got to enjoy through our mirrored glasses there was her husband enjoying the same as we tried to stare away from the pink elephant in the room (and by that I mean the really small trunked pink elephant in most cases). We made friends with folks such as silicone Cindy and it's amazing how much more interesting their conversation is as I listened intently like she was giving away the secret password to heaven then compared to other mouths just flapping away.

We had the best time imaginable, made so many new friends, saw so many naked people including at the Garden of Eden bar that we just happened to stumble upon (literally at that point in the night) with more painted boobs then you saw on the movie Showgirls (by the way the two true tragedies from Saved by the Bell was what happened to Jesse's career in that movie and what the hell happened to Lisa --- poor Screech never got his last chance at his one true love except in the made for TV movie when Kelly and Zack got married in Hawaii). We went snorkeling (we saw a 6-foot shark in sand below us but then about a 4-foot tiger shark swam past Kurt and underneath me so close if I would have started to swim I think I would have kicked it in the face --- by the way afterwards I did not do the reef any favors and definitely did not have to go below deck to use the bathroom for a while), para-sailing about 400 feet up in the air, jet skiing, water sliding, floating trampoline jumping, went on a sunset cruise, and imbibed slightly.

By that I mean my liver is now pickled and I'm still trying to recover. I figured the two glasses of wine tonight is a good start on the road to recovery. We were out until 4 or 5 AM every night and could not have had a better time. Thanks mom for making it possible and to Judy, Whitney, Lindsey, and Erica for helping make it easier on my mom. By the way both my brother and I will strike up conversations with anyone near us and we often did. It was funny because I think most people assumed we were just a gay couple with Kurt obviously being the bitch (I think that's the politically correct term) because of his smaller beard (what did you think I was referring to???). When we introduced the other as our brother about 3/4ths of the time they just jumped and went "BROTHERS!" All of a sudden we were in another category quickly. Every time I heard that though all I could think of Chris Farley in Tommy Boy when he meets Rob Lowe and says "Brothers don't shake, brothers hug." Holy Schnikes if you've never seen that movie go rent it now.

I needed that break like Screech needed a date until he "accidentally" released pornos on-line as he tries to become a dirty stand-up comedian (by the way I have a theory, that Arnold Horshack and Screech are actually the same person but it was totally blown when they fought in the celebrity boxing ring --- One more theory, Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson are the same person as you never see them together, they weigh about the same, they never release albums at the same times, and both are hot chicks at this point). We came back on Friday and celebrated Father's Day with each other and our step dad on Saturday. So then came the actual Father's Day on Sunday. After a week in paradise, a party the day before, all of a sudden I was back at home with a stack of bills, things to get done, worrying about work the next day, etc. when I started cleaning. I cleaned up the entire house, but that included a junk drawer and Hope's nightstand ultimately.

I found notes from Hope, her cross, a couple of her books, the bell she used to ring when she needed me and could not even sit up, receipts and pictures from horrible events I had put out of my mind, cards from friends/family, and other memories I think I had repressed for good reason. I started to feel sick, cold, had goose bumps, cried my eyes out, and ultimately crawled up into a ball while I looked at the ceiling hoping for some answers or at least some advice and maybe a sign. But once again the boys were there to sympathize with me (they told me they understood why I was upset), tried to cheer me up, and unknowingly they ultimately pulled me out of the funk I had been building up for hours on end. It was a tough emotional day, but that's one more down before I start to feel good every day again.

For fucking Father's Day I had an incredibly emotional day, but in the end will be stronger for it. It reminded me of Father's Day last year when I was in the ICU just 3 days after Hope's last major surgery and Uncle Bruce called me on Sunday morning when nobody else did and I didn't even know it was supposed to be my day. It was also many months later that Hope wrote me a note while in hospice to tell me about where she hid the last gift (for that Father's Day) I ever received from her that was the necklace I spoke about in her life celebration that I recently broke again. All you dads out there that aren't a daily part of your kids' lives, reprioritize. Just think if the tragedy that happened to my wife happened with your kids how much you would have to regret. I am strong today because I have no regrets, make sure you would not have any either if it was your time or one of your children. Can you truly say you have none? Try to get there where you can say so, I dare you!

A lot of people told me Snagglepuss was the character I was trying to remember that always said "heaven to mergatroy" and "exit stage left" in my last blog. That's a great name, and except for Octopussy one of my favorites. In this world of political correctness today I think we're losing out on so many cool characters that we just didn't worry about so much when we were younger. I'm not too screwed up from hearing insensitive terms about women in cartoons and movies, I mean I love chicks and I can tell instantly when I meet babes whether we'll be friends by their cup size. No problems here.

One last item, I received an e-mail today from a person that stumbled across our blog (probably by googling train humping like the rest of you) and he said some really great things about us inspiring him. He told me about a cause that he helped create after taking two days to read through all of our blogs in reverse order (that's like watching your old home movies backwards and by the way he's demanding I give him his two days back). It's called and it's a completely free fundraiser you can all help out with. It costs nothing but can raiser millions of dollars but just registering and shopping like you always do. It has over 600 retailers involved from 800Flowers for all of you men that screwed up and are trying to get back into bed with your honeys (see absolute respect for women because why else would you waste money on flowers unless you screwed up?), Best Western known for their mirrors on the ceilings or is that the western wear store so you can cowboy up?, Birkenstock so you can have the most comfortable footwear on the planet while you toke up, and even Oxiclean which was my best friend throughout junior high and high school. Check it out, it looks like the real deal. Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there, I HOPE next year's is better then the last two for me.