Cured and Dating

I am cured...again! At my last psycho appointment she really did say she was impressed with my improvements and that unless I really wanted to see her every two weeks we could go to 3 weeks now. I saw that as a positive sign since I'm not making any money this year and I'm paying out of pocket for our get-togethers. Since the only impression I had of psychiatry was from the movies prior to all of this and to date she has not once made a move on me I'm feeling like Rodney Dangerfield paying for a hooker that doesn't do anything but talk on the first date. I imagine other cultures that only know us from TV and movies must think we're all cowboys or are at least carrying heat, if you order a pizza it comes with a hole in the bottom of the box and it comes with pepperoni and sex, we have square sponges that live in pineapples at the bottom of the sea, all of our women weigh 80 pounds with double D's, and that even the absolute worst murders can be wrapped up in 60 to 120 minutes depending on the medium. By the way, by far my favorite response to the last blog was from Anna and yes we will always be friends. Be strong my brother!


So I am cured again, feeling really good, caught up on bills for the first time since Hope passed, and looking forward to a great 4th Holiday with family. More on that after the holiday and you'll understand why then. We had an incredibly fun weekend, basketball on Saturday morning and Nathan was a manbeast on the boards and practically scored at will (I had to ask him to pass the ball in the second half so some of the other kids could score). I owe the kids more ice cream because we had to institute the bribe for them to not score as much again (five passes so everyone touches the ball before they can shoot). I actually had a grandfather come up to me after the last game and give me the biggest compliment about how I coached the kids and handled them during the game. He said he's coached his entire life and never saw anyone like me. I only mention it because you almost never get any feedback except negative as a coach because a parent didn't like something. It made me feel good that at least one senile old man thinks I'm doing a good job. Then he called me Susan and kissed me on the lips so I'm not sure his credibility is rock solid. At least he's a good kisser...


I have to go fold laundry so I'll be back (oh the crazy lifestyle of a single dad in Melbourne, dare to dream out there boys). I'm back and willing to pay anyone $1000 dollars to match and fold our freaking socks! They never all match up and why can't I train myself or the kids to at least keep them right side out when we take them off??? I'm going to give each one of us one pair per week to wear from now on so if it's getting close to the weekend you may want to keep your distance from us. Anyway the at least he's a good kisser was supposed to be my segway into dating. I've been asked many times when I'll be ready (in other words are you ever taking your ring off --- even the pest control guy asked me that one today and then he went on for 45 minutes about his pending divorce and by the way Joyce if you're out there Steve seems like a really good guy so you should not blame him for wanting his mom to move in even though she's really mean to you but if you want to know his pin number and where he hides his house key he told me that too), can I set you up with my single friend that has a really good personality, are you still into farm animals (okay that was only from Maria), gay yet or still just faking it (that was from Sylvester, Chuck Woolery, and my new Facebook pal from the Keys trip), are the rumors/legends true that engineers are the best lovers and deserve to be catered to their every desire, etc. etc. etc.


Yes ladies the last one is absolutely true and you can measure an engineer's prowess (I have to remember Hope's family reads this) by the size of his blog. By the way Dirk Diggler from Boogie Nights has nothing on civil engineers with big blogs (for the record, who would have ever thought Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch would become such an incredible actor and in how many movies will Heather Graham play a prostitutue --- Boogie Nights, Killing me Softly, and The Hangover which I just saw this weekend and it was amazingly funny ((especially the cameos by Wayne Newton and Carrot Top at the end of the movie)) --- does anyone else remember her in Growing Pains, come on what's hotter then Heather, Joanna Kerns, Tracey Gold throwing up trying to weigh 60 pounds, and the always hunky Kirk Cameron??? Okay, I'm way off subject again and yes I would love to have a best hair contest between Alan Thicke (great name for a hair guy), Chuck Woolery, and Burt Reynolds (our proudest FSU alumni).


So the question about dating lead me to think about what an amazing catch a guy like me would be for some lucky lady born in 1991 or earlier (can you freaking believe I could legally date someone born in the 90's --- man I'm getting old!). I started thinking about all my good qualities and came up with the following list:

• I've been out of the game for about 2 decades so if 8 track tapes and corduroy bell bottoms are still the rage I'll be fine.


• If I can still have a date in the trunk for drive in movies to save a $1.00 I've got no problem with that.


• If popcorn, candy and a soda pop are still less than $2 and the kind gentleman in the red jacket will escort us to our seat with his flashlight I know that routine.


• I can use my corduroy bell bottoms to hide my court ordered ankle tracking bracelet and as long as I don't go within 1000 feet of a daycare, school, church, or Tina's place I am not breaking the law again.


• If I can cry incessantly for no reason at a certain smell, song, memory, etc. like a pregnant woman with hormones on crack and ramble on about Hope for 4 hours without a problem then I'm great.


• If my potential date is cool with coming to my house only after 9 or 10 PM depending on how the boys are doing for some mac and cheese or hot dogs, a deaf dog that now barks at nothing way too often, helping me fold laundry and pay bills, make lunch for the next day, watch me return e-mails and phone calls, clean the house/playroom, or if she can time it right when I'm really caught up on things weed by flashlight, clean, and wipe pee off the back of the toilet and floor (I love that I still get to blame the kids for that one) then I am the guy for you.


• Loves sarcasm more than honesty and considers it foreplay, muscles aren't important, agrees freckling is better than tanning, thinks a deviated septum from two broken noses is sexy, enjoys Family Guy and anything with David Hasselhoff (and you better refer to him as only "THE HOFF" if you want to stay in the fan club), agrees the ultimate intimate night includes Papi with a homer, Paps with a save, old man papa Wakefield (local Melbourne boy) with another win, followed by dinner/flowers/conversation/cuddling/sex if absolutely necessary in 2 to 8 minutes before I settle into Sportscenter highlights and watching the 300 one more time. Tonight Spartans we dine in HELLLLL!


• Wants to be a stepmom to 3 wiseboys that span 32 years with the exact same level of maturity throughout except maybe Nathan that acts older then his age.


• And most importantly agrees the perfect weekend is attending the Red Sox on Friday, FSU/BC on Saturday, Pats on Sunday, followed by a liver transplant and rubbing my feet from standing in the port-a-potty line (that reminds me of the time at a Bucs game at half-time that I went with Ann-Marie to one line was moving faster then the others so I jumped into it and it was the handicap stall. 3 guys were going in and leaving at a time and I could only figure the sink and toilet until I went in as lucky number 3 and peed into the toilet can that was about 1/3 full of urine --- wouldn't you think they would have at least gone to a webbed trash can by now?).

Get in line ladies, being an engineer I'm used to groupies so there's no need to be embarrassed. It's hard on me when I walk out of the XXX store and the engineering papparrazzi are just shooting pics left and right. I hope you're okay with the limelight. In my typically long winded ramblings I am only trying to say that I think I'm keeping the wedding ring on for a bit longer (sorry Steve the pest control guy) and hanging with my closest lady friends Lindsey and Erica the most often (they are 14 and 16, respectively, and before you start calling the police (AGAIN!) they are the ones watching the boys 4 days a week over the summer). In the meantime I'm enjoying being cured, getting out once in a while on good behavior, looking forward to the 4th and two great family gatherings on Sat and Sun, and for the most part enjoying life again.

One of my favorite people ever, Ann-Marie, lost her grandfather this week. She was Hope's best friend, lost her Dad less than a year before Hope, then Hope of course, and now her grandfather that she was very close with. She can't stand to be in ICU or hospice anymore and nobody can blame her. We love you Ann-Marie and as much crap as you have to put up with me since Hope assigned you to watch out over the 3 wisemen we are here for you now. After all I'm cured and ready to help others now...