Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Fucking Father's Day

Maybe that's not the greatest title for a blog from one of the most greatful parents of all time. I love my incredible boys, being a Dad is the greatest honor possible I could imagine, they ARE the reason I'm even functioning after what we've been through, yet despite all that I had a really tough Father's Day. Let me step back though first to recap since the last blog. I feel like Mike Myers and Dana Carvey in Wayne's World rubbing my eyes, going doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo while a target starts spinning to go back in time (or even better then that was in Wayne's World's first move when Tia Carrerre ((who by the way finally did the right thing and got in Playboy)) was on-stage playing a hard rock song (((Ballroom Blitz if memory serves) ((((by the way how many parenthesis and freaking side thoughts can I have in one sentence)))) and all Wayne saw was stars and only heard Gary Wright's song Dream Weaver. By the way, any movie that brought Queen back in the spotlight deserves immense gratitude. How many people except losers like me that still had the Queen the Game record still listened to Bohemian Rhapsody when that movie came out? Now a whole other generation gets to enjoy Freddie Mercury's voice and antics and Brian May's guitar rifts because of one scene in one movie.



Amazing, I wish I had that kind of power to bring back other childhood idols of mine like Daisy Duke, Firestar from Spiderman and his Amazing Friends, Julie from the Love Boat (why was she always so freaking happy anyway?), Chuck Woolery with his 2 minutes and 2 seconds catch phrase (yes another man crush but not as big as Rocky or the Hoff), Princess Leia's bikini outfit in Return of the Jedi literally choking Jabba the Hut to death (almost the same thing David Carridine was into I hear), Loni Anderson in WKRP in Cincinatti, Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman (okay, how many people remember a horrible TV series that must have lasted about 2 and 1/2 episodes with both of them past their primes called Partners in Crime --- by the way I never missed an episode for obvious reasons), and everyone's all-time favorite Mr. Furley from Three's Company that I still pattern my wardrobe after (I'm colorblind and my sister helped me dress growing up saying you can't have too many plaids or ever enough scarves). I now feel like Richard Kline's character Larry from downstairs in 3's Company, the weird perverted neighbor that always was hitting on the girls but never had any success (favorite all-time scene, a girl walks up to the Regal Beagle bar (great freaking name) and he asks her if he can buy her a drink, she obliges and then the bartender says "Happy hour's over" and Larry immediately says, "Same time tomorrow?"). By the way if I ever open a bar I'm naming it the Office ("Hey honey, I'm going to the office" --- how great is that???). I think in this economic climate only bars, strip clubs, and churches are making money. Yes I put them in order of importance.



Per my last blog and so many of you contacted me on the Friday of Reese's doctor appointment to check in, the doc did not see anything that worried him too much on his lip. He asked me to come back in 8 weeks to take a wait and see approach for now. He took pics so he could compare next time but that was enough for me to feel good for now. No biopsy, no anesthesia, no lab tests, no painful waiting for a phone call, no worries for now. It's nothing and we're moving on dammit! By the way I switched insurances since Hope passed because it was costing my small business a small fortune but could not switch while she was still being treated, and so the appointment was out of pocket. I mentioned it to the doc hoping he'd cut me a break (and keep in mind this was one of Hope's docs that showed up all the time in her hospital room, at her surgeries, and other places) and he waived all fees for our appointment. Dr. B, we went to you because you're the best no matter what it cost me and one more time you showed me why you are the best. I'll tell you what, Hope has brought together more positive spirits, souls, attitudes, friends, family, and HOPE for mankind then anyone I have ever known.



My brother came down last Friday and on Saturday after Nathan's 2nd straight win in basketball (by the way it all comes down to brilliant masterful coaching in this age group) we went to the Keys for an unknown amount of time. We stayed at an amazing clothing optional pool hotel and the clothes were often not the option of choice. Unfortunately it was all couples so for every great pair we got to enjoy through our mirrored glasses there was her husband enjoying the same as we tried to stare away from the pink elephant in the room (and by that I mean the really small trunked pink elephant in most cases). We made friends with folks such as silicone Cindy and it's amazing how much more interesting their conversation is as I listened intently like she was giving away the secret password to heaven then compared to other mouths just flapping away.



We had the best time imaginable, made so many new friends, saw so many naked people including at the Garden of Eden bar that we just happened to stumble upon (literally at that point in the night) with more painted boobs then you saw on the movie Showgirls (by the way the two true tragedies from Saved by the Bell was what happened to Jesse's career in that movie and what the hell happened to Lisa --- poor Screech never got his last chance at his one true love except in the made for TV movie when Kelly and Zack got married in Hawaii). We went snorkeling (we saw a 6-foot shark in sand below us but then about a 4-foot tiger shark swam past Kurt and underneath me so close if I would have started to swim I think I would have kicked it in the face --- by the way afterwards I did not do the reef any favors and definitely did not have to go below deck to use the bathroom for a while), para-sailing about 400 feet up in the air, jet skiing, water sliding, floating trampoline jumping, went on a sunset cruise, and imbibed slightly.



By that I mean my liver is now pickled and I'm still trying to recover. I figured the two glasses of wine tonight is a good start on the road to recovery. We were out until 4 or 5 AM every night and could not have had a better time. Thanks mom for making it possible and to Judy, Whitney, Lindsey, and Erica for helping make it easier on my mom. By the way both my brother and I will strike up conversations with anyone near us and we often did. It was funny because I think most people assumed we were just a gay couple with Kurt obviously being the bitch (I think that's the politically correct term) because of his smaller beard (what did you think I was referring to???). When we introduced the other as our brother about 3/4ths of the time they just jumped and went "BROTHERS!" All of a sudden we were in another category quickly. Every time I heard that though all I could think of Chris Farley in Tommy Boy when he meets Rob Lowe and says "Brothers don't shake, brothers hug." Holy Schnikes if you've never seen that movie go rent it now.

I needed that break like Screech needed a date until he "accidentally" released pornos on-line as he tries to become a dirty stand-up comedian (by the way I have a theory, that Arnold Horshack and Screech are actually the same person but it was totally blown when they fought in the celebrity boxing ring --- One more theory, Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson are the same person as you never see them together, they weigh about the same, they never release albums at the same times, and both are hot chicks at this point). We came back on Friday and celebrated Father's Day with each other and our step dad on Saturday. So then came the actual Father's Day on Sunday. After a week in paradise, a party the day before, all of a sudden I was back at home with a stack of bills, things to get done, worrying about work the next day, etc. when I started cleaning. I cleaned up the entire house, but that included a junk drawer and Hope's nightstand ultimately.



I found notes from Hope, her cross, a couple of her books, the bell she used to ring when she needed me and could not even sit up, receipts and pictures from horrible events I had put out of my mind, cards from friends/family, and other memories I think I had repressed for good reason. I started to feel sick, cold, had goose bumps, cried my eyes out, and ultimately crawled up into a ball while I looked at the ceiling hoping for some answers or at least some advice and maybe a sign. But once again the boys were there to sympathize with me (they told me they understood why I was upset), tried to cheer me up, and unknowingly they ultimately pulled me out of the funk I had been building up for hours on end. It was a tough emotional day, but that's one more down before I start to feel good every day again.



For fucking Father's Day I had an incredibly emotional day, but in the end will be stronger for it. It reminded me of Father's Day last year when I was in the ICU just 3 days after Hope's last major surgery and Uncle Bruce called me on Sunday morning when nobody else did and I didn't even know it was supposed to be my day. It was also many months later that Hope wrote me a note while in hospice to tell me about where she hid the last gift (for that Father's Day) I ever received from her that was the necklace I spoke about in her life celebration that I recently broke again. All you dads out there that aren't a daily part of your kids' lives, reprioritize. Just think if the tragedy that happened to my wife happened with your kids how much you would have to regret. I am strong today because I have no regrets, make sure you would not have any either if it was your time or one of your children. Can you truly say you have none? Try to get there where you can say so, I dare you!


A lot of people told me Snagglepuss was the character I was trying to remember that always said "heaven to mergatroy" and "exit stage left" in my last blog. That's a great name, and except for Octopussy one of my favorites. In this world of political correctness today I think we're losing out on so many cool characters that we just didn't worry about so much when we were younger. I'm not too screwed up from hearing insensitive terms about women in cartoons and movies, I mean I love chicks and I can tell instantly when I meet babes whether we'll be friends by their cup size. No problems here.

One last item, I received an e-mail today from a person that stumbled across our blog (probably by googling train humping like the rest of you) and he said some really great things about us inspiring him. He told me about a cause that he helped create after taking two days to read through all of our blogs in reverse order (that's like watching your old home movies backwards and by the way he's demanding I give him his two days back). It's called www.pinkcauses.com and it's a completely free fundraiser you can all help out with. It costs nothing but can raiser millions of dollars but just registering and shopping like you always do. It has over 600 retailers involved from 800Flowers for all of you men that screwed up and are trying to get back into bed with your honeys (see absolute respect for women because why else would you waste money on flowers unless you screwed up?), Best Western known for their mirrors on the ceilings or is that the western wear store so you can cowboy up?, Birkenstock so you can have the most comfortable footwear on the planet while you toke up, and even Oxiclean which was my best friend throughout junior high and high school. Check it out, it looks like the real deal. Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there, I HOPE next year's is better then the last two for me.

6 comments:

Anna said...

garden of eden AND snorkeling...you don't know what you've just written about, do you?

USA Cartoon Express...

Am I the only one that watched the dismal Thundarr the Barbarian? It was about a post-apocalyptic earth with wizards and mutants...great for kids, right.

Happy father's day, dork...my cup size means we will always be friends, practically brothers.

Anonymous said...

Glad that you got some quality time with your brother, and a little time to engage in some debauchery. Agree with you 100% about all of us making sure we have no regrets with any of our loved ones, and I hope that one positive effect of the recession will be that people will make their families their priority.

Much love,
Alison

rach said...

Can't wait to hear in person the adventure in the Key's with the Wise men...yikes!

Yet again, another movie that ranks high on the list...we still have it on vhs from when we recorded it on a vcr in college. "Fat guy in a little coat....fat guy in a liiiiitle coat...." Tommy Boy lives on. perhaps we can pop it in late night when you are up!

Your boys are amazing to you and you to your boys....One day at a time, right?

Can't wait to see you guys next week and glad to hear of Peices good news!
Loveya,
Rach

Jennifer P said...

Glad to hear you are still saying it like it is! I'm sure next Father's Day will be better. Thanks for keeping us posted! Love, Jennifer P

Myra said...

Hang in there Jake. You are a wonderful person. You stood by Hope every step of the way and have and continue to love the boys so much.
I am so over 2009.
I am glad you are bloging and know it is thearpy to not only you but to those of us that read it.
Take care Wise boys.

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