Happy 8th of July

It's past 1 AM and I just got home from New England over a long weekend with family. It was a quick trip to Lake Sebago on Thursday/Friday (by the way we got to meet and I know I'm screwing up some of these names, Chippy the Chipmunk, Rocky the Raccoon, Squeaky the Squirrel, Morris the Moose, and Pauletta the prostitute), my family's farm (the largest family run farm in New England I'm told which by the way has the coolest ever hedge maze (labyrinth) for adults, kids maze in the barn with three levels, petting zoo, great volleyball, a bouncey house that adults can go in --- I had so much fun in there as the kids tried to tackle me, the largest labyrinth in North America is currently growing so stay tuned, and a lumpy croquet course that I kicked some serious ass on --- just for the record I had a huge advantage because I grew up playing on a much worse course with my grandparents that had roots everywhere, moss, and a huge hill that went straight to the Assabet River) in Stow, Mass on Saturday, back to Maine in South Berwick for a pool party (Brad and Rachel's new pool at least to me makes my old grandparents' house a resort instead of just their legacy)/camp out (at Aunt Renie's and Uncle Bruces after a bonfire, music, swimming, flying on a rope swing with a harness, and so much more) on Sunday/Monday, the beach all day Monday (I swam 3 times on this trip, at Lake Sebago in frigid waters, in Rach's/Brad's pool at 71 degrees with the coolest diving board ever (if you haven't seen my half-ass flips you're missing out on some serious entertainment), and finally but most stupidly the ocean as my body went blue and I cramped up from the cold, and delayed flights home Tuesday to get us here past midnight.

The kids did not sleep at all on the flight or drive home until less than 2 miles from my house, so I will pay holy hell tomorrow for that one. Why is it they always sleep when you don't want them to but never sleep when you think and count on them to? And of course it's never just one of them, they both have to stay awake just to torture me that much more tomorrow. I guarantee they will wake up normal time even though they went to bed almost 4 hours late. Reese was so sweet though as we got off the plane asking, "Can we go back to Maine tomorrow?"

We had such an incredible time, great weather for the majority of the trip, and stories to tell. Right now my dinner consists of Triscuits and red wine, so at least I'm taking care of myself. And if you were worried about the boys don't be, they had mini-Oreo cookies thanks to my neighbors on the flight home along with hot chocolate for the Natedog and Sprite for Pieces. For the record I normally give them balanced meals like hot dogs with potato chips (note that many argue potatoes are a vegetable including Hope on many occasions) or my all-time favorite mac and cheese with hot dogs (you can see they get a variety of balanced meals).

Back to the trip, I did not mention it on my last blog because I decided announcing to the world when my house is empty might not be the smartest thing I've ever done. We have an alarm (which my neighbors found out the hard way on this trip --- by the way the police are fingerprinting the place now Beth so I'd suggest a one-way trip for a while anywhere away from here) and the police have shown up a couple of times with guns blazing from a lighting strike once and a door that blew open to the garage another time. I have so much respect for the police for the way they put their lives on the line every day for strangers, except of course when they're giving me a speeding ticket. I'm a civil engineer (with a huge blog just to remind the ladies --- which reminds me of something else, based on some comments and e-mails I've received please know I'm only joking about my emphasis on breast size, in all of my research and training about breast cancer (and I take that very seriously) it's not the size that matters at all. In fact one anonymous commenter (who are you by the way because although I appreciate the love you showed me you have terrible taste in men obviously???) was kind enough to tell me that smaller cups make up for it on other ways (I think they were talking about balanced meals again) so please know it was just a joke. At the beach though this weekend in Maine I saw more white skin and men needing a manzere (I'm sure that's not even close on the spelling) or bro then I hope I ever have to see again. For the record, New Englanders are not known for their tans!!! It certainly wasn't the clothing optional pool in the Keys.

I can't comment on manzere's and bro's without commenting on Seinfeld, how many times in a day do you quote that show? If it's not doube dipping, man hands, no soup for you, serenity now, shrinkage (by the way I experienced this like crazy in the freezing cold waters with my scared turtle), master of my domain (you know I can't pass that one up, I would be the first one out every time), stopping short, Terri Hatcher in an unforgettable episode when she says they're real and they're incredible, Newman taking rainy days off when Jerry points it's the first one in the postman's oath, the produce section of the market is very seductive with a lot of squeezing of melons and shapes and smelling, becoming jewish just to make the jokes, taking a vow of abstinence (George) because there was probably a good chance he was not going to have a sex again anyway, yada yada yada, being a rabid anti-dentite (against dentists), spongeworthy, and so many more.

Back to being a civil engineer and tickets, we know roads are designed to be safely driven at higher speeds then posted so we should be able to honor our design criteria (i.e. back off on the tix coppers). I know I always go off on tangents when typing these things but that's just how my screwed up psychy (that's probably not a real word) works. In fact, Ann-Marie told me after the last blog she was exhausted because she said it was just one run-on sentence that never stopped (I know it's horrifying to Tina and Anna, but at least Tina's entertained while Anna my newfound brother just thinks english is my third language). The only other language I know at all is Spanish but that's only the dirty words that PR taught me over 10 years ago at my first job out of school. We may not have got much work done, but man we had a good time and those words stuck with me.

We had a sweet Volvo rental car and every time we approached a sudden hill I would slow down and then floor it so the kids' stomachs would drop like on a roller coaster. I found out my cousin B enjoyed this exeprerience so much when he was young he said thank you dad for tickling my testicles. I don't know about the rest of you but in my opinion you never grow out of wanting your testicles ticked, just not by dad in the car! I learned one of my relatives is going through depression too like Hope did and I've had my moments, she's finally going to psycho appointments too with incredible improvements because of them. I think everyone should go to a psycho, but that would probably shut down our already almost useless health system. I say that as a small business owner, the health care costs are freaking killing me!

I got to spend time with my Aunt K who is my grammy's sister. Grammy and I were closer then any other relative I have, so it was great to see and visit with her on the 4th. We are both doing well but missing Grammy. I visited her grave site along with Gramp on the 4th too, and I know both of them including Hope were with us the entire day and weekend. I got to see my cousin D's house, my cousin's R's yoga studio, my aunt L's new home, my sort of cousin like 13 times removed but it wouldn't stick P&D's house, and three growing belly's along with the flattest belly you ever saw from another cousin about to have a new baby. If I tried to explain my family on the blog you would feel like you did at the end of the last episode of the Sopranos. It's impossible to do but amazingly we all get along incredibly well and get togethers while they don't drum up any dates for me (which is legal in Maine with blood relatives --- by the way the only states that Maine gets to make fun of are are TN and WV as I think that was of the amendments to the Constitution) always a blast.

Three cousins or otherwise close relatives are pregnant with one 100% due to Hope (no she did get her pregnant through some miracle of science or lesbian fantasy but they did decide to have a baby and possibly consumated while down here helping us through the toughest of times with their youngest being 10 years old already) and the flat bellied one is my cousin that hopefully will be picking up her new baby Maeve in China in the next couple of weeks. One is due on Hope's birthday too, how cool would that be? That leaves three designated drivers so my three cousins are living it up like it's 1999 (anytime you can quote a Prince song you're having a good day --- actually I think he's a genius singer/songwriter but really I only like Purple Rain's album cover to cover. What in the world happened to the woman the played Appollonia (I think that was her real name too if memory serves)? She was absolutely gorgeous but never to be heard from again as far as I know.)

We had the best time up there, the kids loved every moment of it. They are so tired from being up late each night and playing all day every day but with smiles the entire time. A special thanks to all of our relatives up north for a whirlwind few days and while it killed us to miss so many more relatives we'll hopefully make up for it on the next trip. There's just not enough hours in the day to catch up with everyone as much as we might want to. Happy 8th of July and welcome back to 110% humidity and mosquitoes large enough to carry off Reese. I'm going to start sweating now because I have to open up the door to the outside at it's almost 2 AM...