Monday, November 2, 2009

I am pregnant!

Wow a lot has happened in the past month since my last blog, you remember the one that I promised to do a better job keeping up with blogging?!? Since then we went out of town 3 of the 5 weekends, and spent the other two going to and throwing the boys' birthday parties. In between we worked in football games, bike/scooter riding (Natedog got a new bike that is the same size as mine and rides like a champ, Reese got a new scooter and is working on riding Nate's old bike with no training wheels), lots of time with friends/family, and so much more. I'm blown away at the number of people that say they read the blog, most of which gave me shit for going so long without a new one. Believe me, I love doing it because it's so therapeutic for me. I wish I had more time to do them and will try to do a better job keeping it a priority because it's so good for me but more importantly I can't wait for the kids to see what we were going through when they were young and maybe don't have as many memories. Where else can someone with a messed up coconut puke out useless information with bits of tidbits about his family and Tiffani Amber-Thiessen (BTW --- see the text thing is still going --- I saw a commercial for her in a new series but I don't know what it is so someone please help me).

A quick recap of the events we have endured and enjoyed since the last blog:
  • Did my man's weekend with the sports trifecta in New England where we had row 9 behind the batter's box Sox tix on Friday night, started on the goal line in the first row before moving to the second row behind the FSU bench on the 40 (then I went up to the upper deck to hang with the Ford's in the second half on the 50) on Saturday, and then skybox 50 yard-line Pats Tix on Sunday. We only paid for the FSU tix, all 3 games were incredible despite the FSU loss, and the Ford's showed us how to tailgate in a parking garage BC style to the delight of all. Chad, Dan, and Adam/Bro/Kathy/Bill, I'll never be able to thank you enough for making it so great!
  • Celebrated Reese's birthday with a bowling party that turned into as much or more fun for the adults as the kids. All that and no clean-up, it was incredible. FYI for others wanting to do the same, don't open a tab at the bar and then invite my friends' to come unless your car payment seems small to you.
  • Somehow that day the entire party convninced me to have a football party at the house later that night so they all came over with some other friends making the whole day a big party and in the end Reese had two friends spend the night. One was a girl Kylie he has the 2nd biggest crush on ever (the first is Lindsay next door). He got to sleep next to her in the man's room and I could not wipe the smile off his face like the day after I lost my virginity. FTR (see how I work that in?) that was the same day we conceived Natedog Hope's dad, mom, grandmama, brothers/sisters, uncles/aunts, etc. And just to make sure it was going to be a boy we followed the old wive's tail that you do it upside down on a trapeze while wearing the Princess Leia Return of the Jedi gold bikini with my light saber trying to free her (can you believe Hope fell for that one? --- nah me either).
  • One more quick anectodote about that, the boys and I at dinner all the time say things like raise your hand if you like broccoli or gnome porn or shrimp (you get the idea). One day out of the blue Reese says, "Raise your hand if you want to marry Kylie." Nathan and I just looked at each other like we both tasted Hope's tuna casserole for the first time without hot sauce.
  • We went to grandmama's in SC for her 80th birthday party (she and the rest of the familiy will probably disown me after reading this blog). I visited an old friend Mark and his beautiful family/house in Savannah on the way up followed by a speeding ticket just to get there. Thank goodness the officer was distracted by the kids being naked and running around the back of the SUV so he did not even notice my rum and coke. More on this trip in a bit...
  • Celebrated Halloween followed the next day by a work trip to Tallahassee for me that I just got home from about 10:30 PM on Monday night --- thanks Mom for watching the boys, they now think every Sunday is eat candy for two meals a day followed by pumpkin ice cream for dessert. Tallahassee was hard, it was my first time back since Hope passed. We lived there 2 years together and basically spent 4 years together up there. I went by our old apartment and it had changed so much it felt weird. I think just being there without Hope in the flesh already made me feel strange.
  • I know I'm forgetting stuff but my blogs are already too long as it is. BTW Man-Marie promises to show me how to post pics so all of the ladies that like my writing (counting Mom and she just says that because she has to that makes a total of 1.5) can finally see my picture, quietly throw up in their mouths, and never think about me again --- kind of like the first day of school in Florida, junior high, high school, and college relived. I will never forget my first week of school in Florida, I cried all morning each day until Mom dropped me off at Audubon Elementary in the Fiat every day that first week. In hindsight, I imagine it was much tougher on her then me. I love you Mom for always being strong, and except for Gram and Gramp you are the only person in my entire life always there for me. I also know you grew to love Hope more then me which was obvious by your visits and phone calls, "Is Hope there?" Mom I know it's you, we have caller ID dammit!

Back to the SC visit, it was the first time except for the Tampa/Mermaid trip (it will forever be known as the mermaid trip for me) I had seen any of Hope's family except a trip earlier in the year to NC. This one included her grandmama, mom, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, etc. They could not have been more gracious to the boys and I, truly treating us as family because we always will be (their words). Happy 80th grandmama, you literally could still pass for 60! After I got back, I did write the following e-mail to everyone there:

There was obviously a huge gaping hole there and that's why I've had trouble making the leap of faith forward to bring the boys up as that was Hope's second favorite place in the world. John and I talked about it a bit, Caroll said some really nice things, but otherwise she went unmentioned except for a couple of cracks I made. I'm not sure if that's par for the course when you guys get together, but I can tell you the boys and I talk about her all the time and just in case we don't during the day we always talk to her before bed telling her our favorite part of the day and kissing her picture. I can tell you from experience, it's easier to talk about her then not to. It makes it much harder in the long run when you don't. I think we can all agree she was and is one of the most positive and loving parts of all of our lives, and she always will be as long as we keep her memory alive. I can guarantee you I will always do my part and then some. How about each of you? It's not a criticism at all, I only spent a short time with ya'll and you may have felt as strange as I did. I just didn't feel it was my place to talk about it while there during such a great celebration.

As I've mentioned in past blogs and to so many of you in person, please talk about her as much as you want to. It doesn't bother me and the boys love hearing more about their mommy. Hope's grandmama grows sunflowers in a huge field behind her house. They were dead so the kids and I spent half the weekend back there whacking them down like droids in Star Wars as their sticks were light sabers. They loved it. I'll also never forget a previous visit with a sister-in-law to remain nameless said, "ahhhh, it's so nice they grow a field of sunflowers for the birds to feed on." Then we showed her the 100's of shotgun shells in a rainbow of colors the kids collected before her face turned white like she tried Hope's tuna casserole (see even in the afterlife I'll still make fun of you). Thanks again Joey, best boiled peanuts I ever had and some of them were as big as kiwi. My tongue still feels like I licked the XXXL bucket of popcorn at the movie theatre, but it was worth it.

That brings us to Halloween, where we had a Nathan zombie (I'm dying to see that movie Zombieland with Woody from Cheers as I love horror movies and that one looks great --- that reminds me I watch the movie 1408 with John Cusack about a week ago. Since I love horror movies and his typical quirky off-beat characters/movies I thought it would be great. The movie was good until towards the end, where you learned he recently lost his daughter. In the haunted hotel room he could communicate with and even hug his daughter. Just hearing his daughter's voice made me long to hear Hope's so much. Watching those scenes was incredibly difficult as I sat in the family room alone feeling like the only person on earth, ironically it was the same thing his character was going through trying to escape the room. It's a decent movie, but don't watch it if you recently lost a loved one) and Reese was Commander Rex from the Star Wars Clone Wars movie. We went to a huge neighborhood party on Friday where a bunch of friends unplanned came back to the house.

The Mozz, a great old friend since I moved to FLA at age 11 even came over because he was in town unexpectedly for the weekend. He's lived in the Middle East for the last 18 years or so and then Africa more recently running a resort in Zanzibar. To make a very interesting and long story short and boring on purpose, welcome back Mozz and if I ever am short on cash I'm taking you back to the Zanzibarian government to collect my reward. Anyway waves of friends kept coming over until the last group arrived around 2 AM. They stayed until 4:30 AM and even one lucky lady spent the night because she had a 45 minute drive. I used all my best moves and before I could finish my prayer that the Celts big 3 stay healthy this year to keep the evil purple and gold from catching up with us for championships (I'm sure that's what she was thinking about too between the snores) she was alone and asleep in the man's room. I'm still 0 for 36 years and counting except the two times with Hope, thank goodness for her kindness and pity on me. That of course is the perfect segway to the title of this blog, I'm pregnant.

Now I know some of you naysayers, doctors, folks with a brain, etc. may doubt this but my office assistant Jamie did a thorough examination via e-mail so I know it's true (I'm still waiting for some one else to do a more thorough exam but until then the long showers help). I felt light headed and nauseous one morning getting out of the shower after a run while I had a hankering for pickles and ice cream so there was no other logical conclusion. Jamie knew from her schoolin' growing up in Umatilla (I could not make that up if I wanted to) where they learned her about the Virgin Mary getting knocked up without relations so that had to be what happened to me except she then recalled the anti-christ would be visiting us earthlings again soon. So the conclusion is that I'm carrying a demon child (kind of like my mom's second child --- I love you brother!).

So I figured despite my condition because I'm carrying a demon I would not follow through with all of the standard pregnancy rules, such as I think caffeine and alcohol should be encouraged for a demon child. I'm doing my best to follow through on those, espeically the latter. I need to stop exercising and stay on a strict hot wing and potato skin diet to give him more room to grow (look at that, I'm already calling him a him --- I'm tearing up). Where are your menstruals because I think I'm getting some of those cramps? Please let me know if you think my breasts are getting larger but don't stare, it makes me uncomfortable. You know I have eyes men!!! It's so disrespectful toward us pregnant man/women. I wonder if I'll have an outy? Are they all outies eventually when you go full term? What is full term for a man with a demon, is it like the elephant or more like women? Man my nipples are aching which brings me back to my bachelor party and Dirty Dave I'll never forgive you for the pain you put me through that night (now while that may sound like a gay moment I assure you it wasn't but while I can't tell you in mixed company exactly what they were doing I can tell you the nipple scabbing on me barely healed in time for the honeymoon. For the first time ever in the history of mankind you could hear a man in my house say, "not tonight honey I'm saving it for the honeymoon.")

Back to texting lingo, HSICBWLTWJBPOF. What you don't know that one? That's Hope's family texting after they read this blog saying Holy Shit I Can't Believe We Let This Whack Job Be Part Of the Family. Too late my friends, I already said "back back no take backs" so it's permanent now. Those are society's rules, I don't make them up I just live by them so we don't have lawlessness. That reminds me of a few others like when you say the same thing at the same time you say "jinx you owe me a coke," or touch a screw and lift your feet when you cross a railroad in the car, or like on the episode of Webster (now who remembers Webster, our second early 80's fetish with a midgetesque black child --- Gary Coleman being the first, "What you talking about Willis?") where he would say "Reggie Jackson Bless You" after somebody sneezed because he was mad at God for taking away his parents, or arguing with the front desk when you check out of a hotel that you shouldn't have to pay for the entire adult movie since you only watched 10 minutes of it. Those are society's rules, without them lawlessness (I'm sorry but I just like typing and saying that word).

Halloween, speaking of lawlessness (see how I worked that in again and provided a smooth segway beyond my unsual anywho), was incredible. We must have trick-or-treated with over 30 kids and even more parents pulling wagons of cold beverages for the kids because it was hot down here (maybe a few cold ones for the adults too, after all my Mom was there and you know how she gets on a Saturday night if she doesn't get her PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon for non-texters or anyone under the age of 30) sixpack by 7 PM). The kids loved it, Nathan and Reese lead the way sprinting from house to house hitting many of them twice. They each had two huge bags filled with candy. If only I liked chocolate, but who knows with the way my hormones are screaming from the demon child maybe I'll start to like chocolate again. I also decided to dress up like Tim Tebow complete with scriptures on my black eye gunk (I think that's the technical term for it) and strut around Gainesville so I could see what it's like to have women from age 18 to 81 throwing themselves at you. Engineering groupies while a huge group and very active, don't even come close to living up to the Tebow throwdowns.

I've got to finish this up, so I'll leave you with two things Reese said recently. The first I was sitting on the toilet with Mocha laying on my shorts/underwear like always between my legs, both boys in talking to me (if you read previous blogs you know why I don't even bother closing the door anymore unless we have company and even that is 50/50), when Reese said in the sweetest voice ever, "don't you wish you could still talk to mommy?" I started to tear up, was about to explain how I do every day as does he, I'd give anything for just a few more moments with mommy, how there's nothing more I want then to have one more conversation with her, and all of these emotions were overwhelming me while Mocha licked her butt on my shorts. Before I could utter one word he then said, Mr. Crabs is funny when he says "fire on the poop deck Dad." And you thought my blogs were random, how about a five-year-old's mind? Going from one of the most insightful thoughts about death to Spongebob quotes in a matter of seconds, you have to love kids. We can all learn a lot.

Second Reese story was that out of the blue he said I want to be 14 so I can trick-or-treat past 9 PM. Somehow this came up on Halloween and that was the number discussed, don't ask me why I made up such a dumb rule on the fly. Anywho (at least I worked in one this blog), Natedog said turning 16 would be better then he could drive. Nana chimed in, then Nathan can drive you around everywhere Reese. Reese responded with, "then would Nathan be my daddy?" As always I love to hear from anyone that actually gets through reading these blogs, happy November, and if you know the gestation period for a demon child please let me know. I'm not sure about the date of the immaculate conception, but my best guess is was on the 25 cent wing and all the chili you can eat night at Beef O's because I felt like something exploded inside and out of me that night. I'm registered at Babies R Us and nobody has stepped up to throw my shower so if you act fast you could be the lucky winner to throw my party.


Jenny said...

Wow. You are back and better than ever! :) Very descriptive!

Anonymous said...

It's about time you got back with us, so don't do that again...OK!!!
Anywho, I am just glad you shared your thoughts and enlightened us once again. I was so touched by your words in your email to your family.

Anonymous said...

I was beginning to wonder about's nice to hear about you and the boys again. It sounds as though keeping busy is doing you good, and I'll throw the demon shower when you find out if it is a devil or a she-devil! :)

Myra said...

Oh no. Reese has Carroll and John's looks and Jake's bloging.

Love ya Jake.

Anonymous said...

Tiffani Amber is on a show called "White Collar" on USA. Though I haven't caught it yet. Still trying to decide if I want to tape the new V, and there's only so much room on the DVR.

And you are evil. I'm 31 weeks pregnant, and now I want hot wings & potato skins. Which would probably be fine, though I'm not sure the hellacious heartburn I would surely get is worth it. Agghhhh, I guess I'll have to wait a couple of months, and then I can wash it all down with an ice cold beer!

Much love,

Stuff for Sale said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anna said...

I believe my naivete is sweet. There is nothing wrong with expecting the best from people...not that shooting down innocent birds using entrapment tactics is less than the best.

This past weekend I was so close to Tebow I felt the spirit moving through me. It was like that moment in Sixteen Candles when Sam, Molly Ringwald, sees Jake Ryan at the dance and goes into shock. Tebow is the closest reincarnation of Jake Ryan as of yet. Unfortunately, our relationship would not be allowed according to the provost...damn academics.

When will I get the chance to throw a party like Jake Ryan's? I suppose when I can afford to buy a house like that in the suburbs of Chicago, until then, I'll have to rely on you to throw a Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, ala John Hughes-esque party.

Now I've forgotten my point.