Walking, Listening and Taking a Break

I've been downloading the A New Earth on-line class to my iPod and have been walking my buns off while I listen to it. The weather has been so beautiful I want to soak it up before the heat sets in and I retreat to the air conditioning.

Today, I made the very hard decision to take a break from my volunteer work for the ACS. It's just something I need to do right now and I think this letter pretty much sums up why...

Dear ****,
It has been a great privilege to be a part of the Reach to Recovery program. I feel by sharing my story I give other young woman hope to push through treatment so they can begin to put their cancer experience behind them. It’s been 5 years since I battled breast cancer and 3 since tongue cancer. I always thought once you finished treatment cancer left you alone, but it doesn’t. With each check-up or ache and pain thoughts of cancer flood my mind.

As I try to heal my mind and spirit I decided to stop talking about “my story” except in my Reach to Recovery work. Cancer has taken so much of my time and energy already I just can not give it any more. It is for this reason, I have decided to take a pause from my Reach work for the next year. I don’t take this decision lightly as I know the ***** Reach Program needs young volunteers. I have always felt so appreciated by the ACS. I know ***** is now involved and I’m hoping she can provide the support while I take this break. I’m taking the next step in my recovery. I’ll be sure to check back with you next spring and if time gets the best of me and I forget please don’t hesitate to call.

I spoke to (anonymous patient) last night. From our conversation I gather she’ll need additional support. She’s having a rough time of it. I did not mention my break in volunteer work. I’d like to request that at some point another Reach volunteer contact her as I think she would benefit from follow-up.

Thank you and the ACS for all you do and for letting me be a part of it.

Sincerely,

I figured out the only reason I had continued my Reach work well after realizing it was time to take a break was my ego. If you are reading/studying A New Earth you will understand what I mean by that.

On an up note, WE BOOKED OUR SUMMER VACATION TO NEW YORK CITY TODAY! I'm so excited. We've been holding out on the Big Apple until we felt like the kids were old enough to manage it. The kids have talked about going to NYC since they saw a Little Einstein episode about it. Every time we drive through Jacksonville Nathan asks if we are in NYC! Will he be surprised to see the real thing!

A shout out goes to my mom today. She's been helping with the kids a lot this week and even came to the rescue this morning when I had car trouble. Shortly after picking up our car pool buddy, Samantha, I noticed my check engine light was on. I didn't think too much of it since I knew I was overdue for an oil change. A few minutes later I noticed a rubbery smell and hear Nathan say, "It smells like a bouncy ball in here". By the time I get in the car loop at Nathan's school I see some smoke coming from under the hood, but the temperature gage is fine. Could it be a fire? I'm sandwiched in between cars and figure if I can keep the car moving hopefully I can get to the auto shop down the road. Nathan and Samantha are being silly and not paying attention to the fact that we are now at the front of the school and I'm starting to panic a little about the smoke. I yell at them to "GET OUT OF THE CAR!" Oh, and my windows are down so we don't have to suck in the melting rubber ball smell so no doubt the teacher out front must have thought I was one bitchy mom! No, "Have a great day, I love you" from this mom! Thankfully my mom met Reese and I at the auto shop and after leaving the car for repair took Reese to school and me home. A half a million dollars later the car is fixed.

Thanks Mom!

ACS

I'm home from an amazing weekend spent with a large group of very selfless and inspiring people. The Rosen Shingle Creek Resort (some how the name doesn't do it justice) was amazing...enormous, beautiful and immaculate. The ACS covered the bill, and I don't even want to know the price tag of my stay. Tatiana and I had a great time and I am so grateful she decided to go with me. I ended up knowing several people from ACS that attended and met several others over the course of the event.

Tatiana and I managed to keep our cool and did well on our presentation. We were approached by several people who were moved by our story and shared their story with us. Many of the volunteers/staff there had been touched by cancer personally and I'd say probably half were survivors themselves. I was particularly touched by Kristin Hoke's story. She was originally scheduled to be there, however, she was just recently diagnosed with a recurrence of her breast cancer and couldn't attend. Here is a bit of her story....

Kristin Hoke anchors WPBF News at 5 and 11 p.m., part of the tri-anchor female news team. She joined WPBF in the fall of 2000. Her arrival was like a homecoming, due to her strong family ties to Florida.
Bountiful Blessings - By Kristin Hoke
All my life, I was the person who pulled into the grocery store and found a space right up front. I considered myself a fortunate, blessed person. I always worked hard for everything in life, but felt like I had a guardian angel smoothing over life's bumps. Then, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. She was given a ten percent chance of living. But my mom taught me a critical life lesson -- that faith and will power trumps all. My mother told me "I will see your high school graduation". And she did. Her strength was inspiring. Seven people in my family would battle cancer, but I always thought I would beat the odds.

In 2004, I married my husband Eric, getting one step closer to the dream of having children. I had many life goals, but becoming a mother was always the most important to me. Six months into trying to start a family, I was diagnosed with a highly invasive breast cancer. I sat in that doctor's office, not caring if I lived or died. Shaking, in tears... I asked my doctor, what about having kids ? The look on his face told me everything. He could provide little answers. Chemotherapy and radiation affected everyone differently. There were no promises. Was this really happening to me ?
Just two days after my surgery, I dragged myself out of the recovery bed, and drove 50 miles to see a fertility specialist. Everyone thought I was crazy, but I didn't care. I was trying to protect my life dream. I took every step I could to protect my body's ability to create life. Starting chemotherapy was an afterthought. I was on a mission to preserve my future.
A month later I started chemotherapy. Four rounds of what nurses called the "pink death". I went through four rounds of this poison, made from the bark of the "happy" tree. It was hard to believe nature could create this toxin, that could tear apart cancer cells and healthy cells. On day fourteen, I lost my hair. Ironically, it happened when I was taking pictures with TV viewers who attended our WPBF "Health" Expo. As the afternoon progressed, I lost more and more hair, until I realized it was time to go home. Then came the next life lesson. I sat there crying and my husband told me, "don't let that cancer chase you... you go after it !" I got his point. Bad things happen, but it is how we rise to the occasion that determines our path. I asked him to shave my head. I felt empowered, and ready to face whatever cancer threw at me.
Radiation would follow, six weeks worth. I remember laying on the couch, burning up hot. My black lab Buddy would lick my face for minutes on end, doing his best to remove my fever. He watched me as I battled the remnants of this disease. He offered up another life lesson... patience. When you are a type "A" personality, it's a tough one to master. Over six months of treatment, I realized everything in life has a time and a place. This was my time to heal. A month later, I was finally able to get off the couch and walk him around the block. He and I shared the victory.
I had to practice my patience once I was done with my treatment. I bugged my oncologist endlessly to give me the all clear. All I wanted to do was move forward. Finally, almost a year later, I got the green light. Now, I would find out if my life dream was still in reach. For months, I waited and prayed. Then it finally happened. After waiting ten years to be pregnant, I was staring at a plus sign on the test. My heart raced. Was it really my time ?
For months I worried that the chemotherapy would affect my body's ability to hold onto this precious pregnancy. But with each month that passed, I gained confidence that everything would be alright. I will never forget the beautiful benchmarks: gaining that feminine belly, feeling her move inside me the first time, seeing a foot or elbow stick out of my side and giggling.. it was all good. I joked with my oncologist that the morning sickness was worse than chemotherapy, and the first trimester fatigue was worse than radiation! But I signed up for it all. This was beautiful life growing inside me.
Cancer and pregnancy have reminded me that all things good and bad have a place in your life. Learn from them, and thank God everyday for your blessings. I can't wait to teach my daughter that optimism and faith are not accidents. They are a choice, and they frame how rich your life will be. Motherhood is a dream come true.



And now this....

WPBF TV 25 anchor Kristin Hoke, who two years ago openly shared her courageous battle against breast cancer, says the disease is back and she's again undergoing chemotherapy treatments.
Doctors discovered the breast cancer last week, she said, while she was being checked out for a cough she'd recently developed.
During a phone interview Friday, she talked about how she's feeling.
“I’m doing better today than I have in the last week,” said Hoke, 39.
“I went through chemo yesterday — my first one— and it went pretty well; I was real happy with it," she said. “A lot of battling cancer is apprehension, and you know, a lot of nerves. Even though I knew what to expect, it was just different this time."
She said she was feeling good Friday and "not feeling nauseous."
"So far so good,” she added.
Hoke endured surgery and chemotherapy treatments for breast cancer during 2005.
Until last week, she’d been cancer-free.
In April, she gave birth to her first child, Isabella "Bella" Margaret.
She said since her co-workers at the ABC affiliate were told of her condition Monday, she's been inundated with phone calls from fellow staffers and co-anchors Lisa Hayword and Tiffany Kenney.
"Everyone has been calling like every three hours,” she said. “It’s really great to know you work with so many decent human beings.”
Hoke said she had a biopsy performed Monday and has begun chemotherapy.
“I have a reoccurrence,” she explained. “It’s in other areas of my body besides my breast tissue . . . but it's my original breast cancer that is back.”
Rumors that she has lung cancer are not true, she said.
“It’s not lung cancer,” she said.
“I basically have lots of tiny little dots -- they’re not even tumors yet," she said "They’re some specks that the chemo will take care of. And so the doctors are focused on getting rid of these small lesions and making sure they don’t come back.”
Hoke, who had returned recently from maternity leave, said she won't be returning to work until she's further along in her treatments.



Instead of her scheduled appearance she sent a video clip that was recorded last week. I fought the tears as I watched. I saw myself in her story...just a mom enjoying her new baby and cancer was trying to take it all away.



Before the weekend was over I was asked once again so share my story at an up coming Relay for Life event. More public speaking...urgh! Then, right after that the executive director of the local ACS asked me to consider being next years Making Strides Against Breast Cancer chair. My initial response was no.......but, I'm telling you after spending two days around this amazing group of people I'm actually considering it. And if all these invites hadn't already made me feel special the woman who heads up the entire Reach to Recovery program for the state of Florida asks if I would consider doing Reach to Recovery work for the entire state and not just my county. I immediately said yes to that one!



I have always admired people who give their time to a good cause and while I've volunteered for ACS for 4 years I feel like my work has really just begun.



If you have not already made a donation to Making Strides Against Breast Cancer I'm asking you to please consider it as no new mother should have to worry that cancer might take her away from her babies. Please check your area for your local Making Strides event or if you would like to donate to my team please email me at hopeacs@cfl.rr.com and I will send you the link.

Blogging because I can...

It's official...I'm a blogging nerd. I've been sitting in my hotel room for 30 minutes and I've already logged on to blog. I don't even have much to say. Tatianna and I got here around 8:00, checked in, scoped out where we need to be tomorrow, the gym and food. This place is amazing. By far the most elegant place I've ever stayed. Since the ACS is paying my way I splurged on the Internet connection, $12 for 24 hours.

I'm going to enjoy some quiet time and extra sleep as Tatianna and I don't have to be anywhere until 9:30am tomorrow morning. From there we will be rehearsing for our session and then the festivities begin. No doubt I'll post again so I can get my money's worth from this $12 Internet connection!

Before I Go

I'm headed out tonight for an American Cancer Society Volunteer Conference. Initially, I was excited about going, then not so excited about missing a few days with "my boys". Saturdays are such great fun around here....soccer, swimming and hanging out at home with my men...and I won't be here. However, I'm starting to get excited about the conference again. Last week I was asked to speak at a Making Strides meeting and after my little talk (it really wasn't a speech) I received so many thank yous and comments about how I was inspiring. I some how have to make sense out of all that has happened to me and having little moments like that make it all feel okay. I even had the executive director of the local YMCA offer me three sessions with a personal trainer to help me get ready for the half-marathon....just from a 10 minute ad lib that night. Very cool.

At the conference I'll be part of a session regarding my volunteer work for Reach to Recovery. Reach to Recovery is a program through the ACS that provides support for newly diagnosed breast cancer patients. Most of the volunteers are older, since let's face it...most people diagnosed are "older". I'm obviously the youngest volunteer in our county so I provide support to women under the age of 45 who need someone to talk to...someone who knows what they are going through. They also wanted me to invite a "patient" I had spoken to that would be able to discuss the receiving end of Reach to Recovery. I instantly thought of Tatiana. Several years ago when I got the call for the ACS to call her I thought her name sounded familar. Turned out we briefly worked together about 12 years go. She's young with kids and had a similar breast reconstruction so we've stayed in touch. We're driving over together and I think it will be fun to have someone I know to hang out with.

An update of the kids:
Nathan is adjusting to Kindergarten well. He LOVES his teacher and has made a few new friends. When I pick him up I'm itching to hear all about his day...in detail...and he replies, "I don't want to talk about it." Like he's 14 instead of 5. What is up with that? I've backed off and stopped asking so many questions. Now, I play Betty Crocker and have a cool snack ready for when we get home and while we sit at the table he opens up and gives me enough information that I'm content. I still probe for more, but try not to play 20 questions....it turns my litte "teenager" off.

Reese flew by his first week of school like a champ. Friday of the first week his teacher tells me he's doing so well, is ahead of the other kids and she wants to put him in the next class up. Of course, Jake and I beamed and said, "He's so smart he's already skipping a grade." This new class does seem like a better fit for him, but he's cried (just a little) each day I've dropped him off. I watch through the window in the door and he stops right after I leave so I'm hoping he'll stop soon. He tells me about his new friend, Jessica, and how pretty she is. So sweet.