Therapy Session

A bomb was dropped on Jake and I last Friday when we went to the doctor for a simple check-up....the tissue removed when I had surgery indeed had cancer in it.......enough they are recommending I consider more chemo and radiation. They got clear margins, but just can't be sure I'm safe from it coming back. And why the hell they didn't mention this before now I have no idea.

My immediate response, "No, I won't do it". And I looked the doctor right in the eyes and said just that. The risks and side effects from radiation to the same area twice can be awful and long-term. A risk I don't think I'm willing to take. If it didn't work the first time who's to say it will work this time? Fortunately, he fully understood my point and understood if I chose not to do it.

Ironically, I had been to see a nutritionist/holistic practitioner the day before. Jake and I talked a lot about taking a "natural" approach instead of the toxic radiation and chemo. Thanks to my mom and his mom's love, knowledge and belief in the mind/body/spirit approach to healing, this was not a far fetch idea for us to consider. We talked to both of them as soon as we got home and they were very supportive.

I spoke to Jennifer P. and Stephanie yesterday, both have had radiation to the face/neck and chemo and both agreed they too would not do radiation again. It was like a breath of fresh air to talk to two people who knew exactly what I would be facing and to support my idea of a different way to health. Now, I just have to be 100% sure it's the right choice for me.

I'm tired, not just physically tired, but emotionally tired from this repeated "cancer theme" I've had in my life these last 6 years. I'm exhausted. I feel beaten and bloody yet determined to fight my way out of this.

Jake said he was going to blog about all of this and I said no. I didn't want anyone to know what was happening. I'm sick of blogging about being sick and putting all my dirty laundry out there for everyone to see. However, this morning, I decided it might be therapeutic.....so I'm here. Thanks for the therapy session.

Trip to NYC

We are back from an amazing vacation in NYC. I'd love to give you a nice long blog with details about what we did, but I'll have to reduce it to some photo's.......I have to unpack, do laundry, repack and get ready to leave again tomorrow for my surgery...Argh.

We made it!

A few hours after we arrived we were walking to Madison Square Garden's when we saw some commotion at the New York Time's Building. Turns out some crazy guy was climbing the building! We watched the entire thing...he finally reached the top and was arrested.

Having some fun in Central Park.

FAO Schwartz

Statue of Liberty

Subway ride and Yankee's Game

Caricature in Rockefeller Center

Cab ride

Horse ride around Central Park. No, we aren't getting a ticket..just SPCA checking to make sure the horses are healthy.

Outside our hotel in Time's Square

And finally, a big breakfast before heading home

It's Clean Up Time

We celebrated our Memorial Day over the weekend, so while Jake headed into the office on Monday the kids and I tackled cleaning the playroom. My plan: good old fashion bribery. I had the kids take all the toys off the shelves and out of the toy box and put them all in the middle of the room. Then I told them we were going to go through every last toy, toss the broken ones, make a donation pile and put the ones to keep back on the shelves. The bribe....all the toys set aside for donation I would buy from them. Two hours later the playroom was spotless and they had a good chunk of change in their pockets for a trip to the toy store...which they insisted we go right away....so we did. Who knew getting kids to part with toys and clean up was so easy!

Reese is done with school so we celebrated with a breakfast date while Daddy went to work and Nate went to school. Yum!

Weekend Pics

Yesterday Nathan was trying to get Reese to swim with him, Reese said no. Nathan turns to me and says, " I wish Reese would swim with me, it's one of the only times I like him." Ha Ha.....brotherly love.

We have such great wild life in our neighborhood. Just this weekend we had two snakes, bunnies and a turtle in our yard. The shot of the deer is from our backyard looking into our next door neighbors backyard. So cool!

Update and on to other things

Preliminary results of the PET and CT scans look clear! Now I wait until Wednesday to find out what the plan of action is. Nervous, but enjoying the glimmer of hope Friday brought. Thank you Dr. C for giving me my results right away! Waiting is agony. Keep thinking good thoughts for me!



Good things happening that are keeping me UP.....

1. Reese didn't pick his nose at school Friday.
2. We had the house pressure cleaned and it looks so sparkly white and clean!
3. Nathan finished up soccer and t-ball this weekend. He's awesome at both and it was such a joy to watch him play. He is very proud of his cool trophies.
4. We spent the better part of the day Saturday in the pool, doing yard work and an impromptu splash in our neighbors pool. It felt soooooooo good to hang out without anxiety tugging at me.
5. There has been a baby deer sighting in the neighborhood (we have lots of wooded areas). We went looking for it last night....we just saw 4 adults, but can't wait to see it.
6. Yesterday when we were getting our suits on to swim, Reese was holding my bathing suit top and when I told him I needed it, he looked at me, pointed to my (rock star, $42,000, reconstructed...there are some perks to illness) breasts and said, "To cover those up?"

Ahhhh......I found a little bit of normal

Spring Break Wrap Up

Spring Break comes to a close today. We've had such a great week. The kids picked out new fish for the fish tank (I killed the others when I cleaned the tank last) and the store gave us 7 baby Molly's since Reese had picked out the mommy. As expected 6 of them died, but "Elf" the little runt is still with us.

We met up with Cheryl and Olivia for some fun at the fountain. Cheryl and I sat under a beach umbrella for some R & R and watched the kids play.

Both Gran and Nana scooped up the boys one at a time for some Grandma spoiling. I told the boys who ever was at home with us could plan dinner. No rules. Reese chose Honeynut Cheerios and chocolate chip cookies. Nathan's dinner was Tortellini and ice cream sandwiches.

We planted a vegetable garden. Cucumbers, watermelon, cantaloupe, tomatoes and squash.

Jake played hooky from work and we spent the day at Animal Kingdom, a first for us. The kids were angels. Reese walked for miles, never asking to be held because he was tired. We passed gift shop after gift shop and neither of them asked us to buy anything. There wasn't one fight between them, complaint about the heat or end of the day grumpies. It was a day to remember.

Jake's cousin Jessica and her hubby Joe from Maine were here for the weekend and we had a great visit. Reese begged them to stay...precious.

Night Travel

We'll be on our way home in about an hour. Just before leaving Kurt's we checked to see if our flight was on time and no such luck, an hour and a half delay. The good news is we have some extra time to hang out with the TN Clan and I'm fitting a little blogging in too. We have had a great time and while this was a way over due visit it was perfect timing all the way around. We won't be getting home until around 1:30 in the morning, which could be interesting with the kids. Jake has work tomorrow and Nate has school....it will be a rough morning.

I will post pictures tomorrow.

UPDATE:

We arrived home shortly after 2am. The kids were great though. Here are some pictures.

Walking, Listening and Taking a Break

I've been downloading the A New Earth on-line class to my iPod and have been walking my buns off while I listen to it. The weather has been so beautiful I want to soak it up before the heat sets in and I retreat to the air conditioning.

Today, I made the very hard decision to take a break from my volunteer work for the ACS. It's just something I need to do right now and I think this letter pretty much sums up why...

Dear ****,
It has been a great privilege to be a part of the Reach to Recovery program. I feel by sharing my story I give other young woman hope to push through treatment so they can begin to put their cancer experience behind them. It’s been 5 years since I battled breast cancer and 3 since tongue cancer. I always thought once you finished treatment cancer left you alone, but it doesn’t. With each check-up or ache and pain thoughts of cancer flood my mind.

As I try to heal my mind and spirit I decided to stop talking about “my story” except in my Reach to Recovery work. Cancer has taken so much of my time and energy already I just can not give it any more. It is for this reason, I have decided to take a pause from my Reach work for the next year. I don’t take this decision lightly as I know the ***** Reach Program needs young volunteers. I have always felt so appreciated by the ACS. I know ***** is now involved and I’m hoping she can provide the support while I take this break. I’m taking the next step in my recovery. I’ll be sure to check back with you next spring and if time gets the best of me and I forget please don’t hesitate to call.

I spoke to (anonymous patient) last night. From our conversation I gather she’ll need additional support. She’s having a rough time of it. I did not mention my break in volunteer work. I’d like to request that at some point another Reach volunteer contact her as I think she would benefit from follow-up.

Thank you and the ACS for all you do and for letting me be a part of it.

Sincerely,

I figured out the only reason I had continued my Reach work well after realizing it was time to take a break was my ego. If you are reading/studying A New Earth you will understand what I mean by that.

On an up note, WE BOOKED OUR SUMMER VACATION TO NEW YORK CITY TODAY! I'm so excited. We've been holding out on the Big Apple until we felt like the kids were old enough to manage it. The kids have talked about going to NYC since they saw a Little Einstein episode about it. Every time we drive through Jacksonville Nathan asks if we are in NYC! Will he be surprised to see the real thing!

A shout out goes to my mom today. She's been helping with the kids a lot this week and even came to the rescue this morning when I had car trouble. Shortly after picking up our car pool buddy, Samantha, I noticed my check engine light was on. I didn't think too much of it since I knew I was overdue for an oil change. A few minutes later I noticed a rubbery smell and hear Nathan say, "It smells like a bouncy ball in here". By the time I get in the car loop at Nathan's school I see some smoke coming from under the hood, but the temperature gage is fine. Could it be a fire? I'm sandwiched in between cars and figure if I can keep the car moving hopefully I can get to the auto shop down the road. Nathan and Samantha are being silly and not paying attention to the fact that we are now at the front of the school and I'm starting to panic a little about the smoke. I yell at them to "GET OUT OF THE CAR!" Oh, and my windows are down so we don't have to suck in the melting rubber ball smell so no doubt the teacher out front must have thought I was one bitchy mom! No, "Have a great day, I love you" from this mom! Thankfully my mom met Reese and I at the auto shop and after leaving the car for repair took Reese to school and me home. A half a million dollars later the car is fixed.

Thanks Mom!

Ho Ho's and Peeps

Sounds creepy, but what I'm talking about are these...

The kids and I had fun making these creative, little Easter treats. If you are interested, here is how we made them:

Ho Ho's for the car body, Spree candy for the wheels, Skittles for the headlights, Life Saver for the steering wheel, and a Peeps Bunny as the driver. Hold it all together with icing.

First T-ball Experience

Nathan was so excited about his t-ball uniform he wanted to sleep in it and wear it to school!

Opening Day for baseball was yesterday. It was complete madness for us newbies. Nathan played his first game...no score, no outs, and each player got a chance to bat before switching to out field.
Nathan and a friend in his class who was playing on the other team.
Last at bat = home run! Notice another player on his team at the edge of the frame coming in after him....Nathan lapped the little dude with his long legged run.Reese trying to hang with the big kids on the playground.

*****
The kids had a sleep over with Nana last night and Jake and I hooked up with his work partners to go see Jerry Seinfeld. It probably goes without saying, but it was a GREAT show. Now, when I should be sleeping in because I don't have my usually 6 and 3 year old wake up call, I'm up. My eyes popped open at 6:45am and I couldn't fall back asleep. Argh! However, Jake is sleeping like a baby.

****

Anyone else getting strange comments on your blog from users you don't know that say "Look here" (and the word here is a link)? I've gotten three of them and have just been deleting them because I don't know if they are virus related.

Thursday

We came home from our weekend in SC to beautiful full blooms on a tree in our front yard. I have no idea what kind of tree it is, but once a year it is beathtaking.

***

Since our return home Jake and I have both confessed to thinking about Myra's foster girls more that we thought we would. They are such sweet girls and we had such a good time with them. They have lived with my aunt since November, away from an absent, drug addicted mother. "Mom" is making an attempt at getting them back and I hope if she succeeds that she does good by them and stays clean and takes good care of them. If she can't keep it together I hope the girls can bypass the emotional rollercoast of returning to an unconscious mother and just stay with my aunt who clearly loves them and can give them a good life. Plus, selfishly, I want to see them again.

***

Nathan and Reese's recent colds have caught hold of me. I'm giving into it today, but tomorrow I hope it finds another body to inhabit, preferrably someone not in this household.

***

I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. Nana gave it to Jake and I a year or so ago and when Nancy told me Oprah was doing an on-line class starting March 3rd I thought it was a good time to open it up. I'm on chapter 7 and maybe with today's hybernation I'll finish it. It is the most thought provoking book I've ever read and I'm looking forward to the on-line class to help me sort it all out.

***

Whenever the kids argue with each other they are usually quick to come to me to report the others wrong doing. My standard intial responce is, "Tell Nate/Reese about it (AKA try and work it out first before coming to me to referee)." So recently when Reese hit Nathan, the first thing Nathan does is say, "Mom, Reese hit me." My reply, "Tell Reese about it." Nathan, frusturated, says, "He already knows he hit me." Cracked me up. He's got a point there. Maybe I need to rephrase my response a bit.