It's Clean Up Time

We celebrated our Memorial Day over the weekend, so while Jake headed into the office on Monday the kids and I tackled cleaning the playroom. My plan: good old fashion bribery. I had the kids take all the toys off the shelves and out of the toy box and put them all in the middle of the room. Then I told them we were going to go through every last toy, toss the broken ones, make a donation pile and put the ones to keep back on the shelves. The bribe....all the toys set aside for donation I would buy from them. Two hours later the playroom was spotless and they had a good chunk of change in their pockets for a trip to the toy store...which they insisted we go right away....so we did. Who knew getting kids to part with toys and clean up was so easy!

Reese is done with school so we celebrated with a breakfast date while Daddy went to work and Nate went to school. Yum!

Update and on to other things

Preliminary results of the PET and CT scans look clear! Now I wait until Wednesday to find out what the plan of action is. Nervous, but enjoying the glimmer of hope Friday brought. Thank you Dr. C for giving me my results right away! Waiting is agony. Keep thinking good thoughts for me!



Good things happening that are keeping me UP.....

1. Reese didn't pick his nose at school Friday.
2. We had the house pressure cleaned and it looks so sparkly white and clean!
3. Nathan finished up soccer and t-ball this weekend. He's awesome at both and it was such a joy to watch him play. He is very proud of his cool trophies.
4. We spent the better part of the day Saturday in the pool, doing yard work and an impromptu splash in our neighbors pool. It felt soooooooo good to hang out without anxiety tugging at me.
5. There has been a baby deer sighting in the neighborhood (we have lots of wooded areas). We went looking for it last night....we just saw 4 adults, but can't wait to see it.
6. Yesterday when we were getting our suits on to swim, Reese was holding my bathing suit top and when I told him I needed it, he looked at me, pointed to my (rock star, $42,000, reconstructed...there are some perks to illness) breasts and said, "To cover those up?"

Ignore it and maybe it will go away

I haven't blogged about my cancer recurrence since my initial post. My hope was that if I didn't make a big deal out of it, it wouldn't BE a big deal. Plus, I feel cancer has taken up too much of my time already, why would I give it a platform once again?

The truth, I'm consumed in this nightmare of a moment and just want to find my way out. I feel like I'm being stalked. How can it be that for the last three years I thought I was cancer free, but I wasn't? How can it be that a little known cancer of the tongue could find it's way to my non-smoking, non drinking, non tobacco chewing tongue? How is it that I could live 29 healthy, uneventful years only to be plague by cells that kill people for the last 6 years? I know it doesn't make any sense to ask these questions because frankly it's likely I'll never get the answers, but I'm consumed in them.

I want to be boring again, blog about the fact that my three year old got in trouble for picking his nose in school after being asked to stop, or the fact that Obama is coming to FL in one week and I want to be there. Instead, I'm wondering through the day chasing the depression, fear and grief away with drugs and yet they still stalk me.

I had an appointment with a head and neck cancer specialist yesterday in Tampa. I hoped for the best, feared the worse and walked away with the unknown still lingering. The plan, I have a PET (whole body) scan and CT of the head and neck scheduled for tomorrow. They will review the pathology of my recent surgery to see if the margins were VERY clear. Apparently with tongue tumors clear margins have to be larger than most other tumors. The likelihood is that I'll need more surgery to remove more tongue and replace what is removed with skin from my arm to restore function. Then I guess based on how that goes I may have to have more radiation and more chemo. I think I can handle more surgery it's the radiation and chemo that scare the shit out of me. Please God, let surgery make me better so I don't have to endure more life saving poison.

I'm scared and sad. I know I'll find the funny and positive somewhere in all of this eventually, but I'm just not there yet. I just want to shake the "cancer girl" reputation I feel I have and be well so I can take care of Nathan and Reese and watch them grow into handsome, loving men. Is that to much to ask? Don't I deserve that?

Fuck you cancer!

Another Reeseism

First you have to understand that since Reese was potty trained over a year ago we haven't been able to get him to hold his penis up so he doesn't pee on the toilet, he refuses to touch himself...........

Reese running up to me completely naked today: "Mommy, Mommy! I started to pee on the seat and I picked my penis up like this (as she showed me what he did)! And I didn't pee on the seat!

We all cheered and passed around HI-5's.

Walking, Listening and Taking a Break

I've been downloading the A New Earth on-line class to my iPod and have been walking my buns off while I listen to it. The weather has been so beautiful I want to soak it up before the heat sets in and I retreat to the air conditioning.

Today, I made the very hard decision to take a break from my volunteer work for the ACS. It's just something I need to do right now and I think this letter pretty much sums up why...

Dear ****,
It has been a great privilege to be a part of the Reach to Recovery program. I feel by sharing my story I give other young woman hope to push through treatment so they can begin to put their cancer experience behind them. It’s been 5 years since I battled breast cancer and 3 since tongue cancer. I always thought once you finished treatment cancer left you alone, but it doesn’t. With each check-up or ache and pain thoughts of cancer flood my mind.

As I try to heal my mind and spirit I decided to stop talking about “my story” except in my Reach to Recovery work. Cancer has taken so much of my time and energy already I just can not give it any more. It is for this reason, I have decided to take a pause from my Reach work for the next year. I don’t take this decision lightly as I know the ***** Reach Program needs young volunteers. I have always felt so appreciated by the ACS. I know ***** is now involved and I’m hoping she can provide the support while I take this break. I’m taking the next step in my recovery. I’ll be sure to check back with you next spring and if time gets the best of me and I forget please don’t hesitate to call.

I spoke to (anonymous patient) last night. From our conversation I gather she’ll need additional support. She’s having a rough time of it. I did not mention my break in volunteer work. I’d like to request that at some point another Reach volunteer contact her as I think she would benefit from follow-up.

Thank you and the ACS for all you do and for letting me be a part of it.

Sincerely,

I figured out the only reason I had continued my Reach work well after realizing it was time to take a break was my ego. If you are reading/studying A New Earth you will understand what I mean by that.

On an up note, WE BOOKED OUR SUMMER VACATION TO NEW YORK CITY TODAY! I'm so excited. We've been holding out on the Big Apple until we felt like the kids were old enough to manage it. The kids have talked about going to NYC since they saw a Little Einstein episode about it. Every time we drive through Jacksonville Nathan asks if we are in NYC! Will he be surprised to see the real thing!

A shout out goes to my mom today. She's been helping with the kids a lot this week and even came to the rescue this morning when I had car trouble. Shortly after picking up our car pool buddy, Samantha, I noticed my check engine light was on. I didn't think too much of it since I knew I was overdue for an oil change. A few minutes later I noticed a rubbery smell and hear Nathan say, "It smells like a bouncy ball in here". By the time I get in the car loop at Nathan's school I see some smoke coming from under the hood, but the temperature gage is fine. Could it be a fire? I'm sandwiched in between cars and figure if I can keep the car moving hopefully I can get to the auto shop down the road. Nathan and Samantha are being silly and not paying attention to the fact that we are now at the front of the school and I'm starting to panic a little about the smoke. I yell at them to "GET OUT OF THE CAR!" Oh, and my windows are down so we don't have to suck in the melting rubber ball smell so no doubt the teacher out front must have thought I was one bitchy mom! No, "Have a great day, I love you" from this mom! Thankfully my mom met Reese and I at the auto shop and after leaving the car for repair took Reese to school and me home. A half a million dollars later the car is fixed.

Thanks Mom!

Thursday

We came home from our weekend in SC to beautiful full blooms on a tree in our front yard. I have no idea what kind of tree it is, but once a year it is beathtaking.

***

Since our return home Jake and I have both confessed to thinking about Myra's foster girls more that we thought we would. They are such sweet girls and we had such a good time with them. They have lived with my aunt since November, away from an absent, drug addicted mother. "Mom" is making an attempt at getting them back and I hope if she succeeds that she does good by them and stays clean and takes good care of them. If she can't keep it together I hope the girls can bypass the emotional rollercoast of returning to an unconscious mother and just stay with my aunt who clearly loves them and can give them a good life. Plus, selfishly, I want to see them again.

***

Nathan and Reese's recent colds have caught hold of me. I'm giving into it today, but tomorrow I hope it finds another body to inhabit, preferrably someone not in this household.

***

I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. Nana gave it to Jake and I a year or so ago and when Nancy told me Oprah was doing an on-line class starting March 3rd I thought it was a good time to open it up. I'm on chapter 7 and maybe with today's hybernation I'll finish it. It is the most thought provoking book I've ever read and I'm looking forward to the on-line class to help me sort it all out.

***

Whenever the kids argue with each other they are usually quick to come to me to report the others wrong doing. My standard intial responce is, "Tell Nate/Reese about it (AKA try and work it out first before coming to me to referee)." So recently when Reese hit Nathan, the first thing Nathan does is say, "Mom, Reese hit me." My reply, "Tell Reese about it." Nathan, frusturated, says, "He already knows he hit me." Cracked me up. He's got a point there. Maybe I need to rephrase my response a bit.

Fighting the Bug

I haven't blogged much because there hasn't been a whole lot going on here except some little bug that's going around. Nate was home sick on Monday, fever and sore throat and Reese stayed home today, fever and vomiting. It looks like everyone is on the mend and I can pack the Motrin away for another day. Jake and I did find ourselves talking about how greatful we are that I am able to stay home. Sunday night and Thursday night we didn't have to have the conversation about which one of us would have to miss work to stay home with a sick kid. For that I am so greatful. Not to say that I didn't wish a few times that is was Jake cleaning up vomit and me at work!

Note sure if anyone else is having this problem, but blogger hasn't been letting me spell check and I'm a terrible speller!

My Boss and the Passing of Time

Nathan tells me this morning as he opens the very full hamper to put his pj's in, "Mom, you need to do some laundry today."

The other night Reese went to bed early due to a missed and much needed nap so Jake and I dug out our first video's of Nathan and sat and watch with him. He was amazed he was ever that small and loved watching himself. I, in turn, felt like it was 20 years, not 6, that Nathan was ever a baby. You know how people tell you all the time to charish your kids because they grow up so fast. They are right, but I don't care how much you charish each step of growing up it still goes by way too fast.

Some other things the kids say that I need to document before they stop saying them and I forget:

Veronica = Harmonica (Reese)
Grattoo = Tattoo
Nakum = Napkin
Noka = Mocha (our dog)

A Day in the Life of a Stay-At-Home-Mom

6:00am Alarm goes off. I reset it for 6:30 because I remember it's Rochelle's day to take the kids to school...no immediate shower necessary.

6:24am Nathan climbs into bed with me, said he had a bad dream. We snuggle until the alarm goes off. He never told me about the dream and I'm guessing it was just his excuse to get out of bed early.

6:30am I get Nathan in the shower (we were out late last night and missed a bath, not a big deal, but it's picture day and I want him to look and smell nice). Note: According to experts on the Today show last week, kids don't need to bathe every day. I always had them take a bath for sake of routine, but now if we miss a bath every now and again I don't sweat it....if the Today Show said it was OK.............

6:45am Pick out picture day clothes for Nathan, help him get dressed, gel in hair, breakfast, teeth brushed, lunch made.

7:15am Reese comes downstairs naked, except socks, holding clothes for the day, they actually match.

7:35am Rochelle picks Nathan up for school.

7:45am I catch-up on blogs and then help Reese put his new Diego puzzle together.

8:15am Reese and I have breakfast and watch Super Why and some of the Today Show.

8:45am I head upstairs and collect bedding from the boys rooms and get it into the laundry.

9:00 Nana calls to see if she can pick up Reese for a play date at the zoo later today.

9:15am I start this blog entry.

9:25am Time for a shower. No make-up, pony-tail...no plans to go anywhere today.

10:00am Help Reese find his Diego costume. We never find it and he gets distracted with another toy.

10:15am Find digital pictures taken of Nathan's class to submit to the yearbook staff. Email pictures.

10:45am More laundry and put clean sheets on beds upstairs. Start to think about lunch. Decide on Sicilian Chicken Noodle Soup (sounds fancy, but it's a dry soup mix...add water, cook and serve) and smoothies. Reese needs to squeeze in a nap before Nana comes to get him so I hope the early lunch, early nap thing works because he has a cold and I don't want it to get worse.

11:00am Cook soup. Somehow, when adding the soup mix to the water I splash boiling water onto my stomach. Finish cooking soup while holding boo-boo airplane (ice pack) on my belly.

11:45am Tuck Reese into bed and read him The Aminal by Lorna and Lecia Balian, a gift to the boys from my dad, a very cute book. Come down stairs and clean up from lunch. My stomach still hurts.

12:15pm Give Mocha a bath. Listen to Reese chatter upstairs about going over to a Power Rangers house with his friend Ethan. Realize he probably won't fall asleep.

12:45pm Go get Reese. He is clearly not napping.

1:00pm We put the Diego puzzle together again. My stomach still hurts.



1:15 Nana arrives to pick the little monkey up. I have a child free hour before Nathan gets home from school. What will I do? End up watching more of the Today Show (which I record) and finish laundry.

2:30 Nate gets home and we enjoy some alone time together, which we rarely get. The afternoon and evening get away from me and I realize while this was a cute blog idea it is taking me too much time and I abort chronically the rest of the day. For those of you heart broken I didn't finish, just know it ended pretty much the same way it started. Pretty uneventful, but that is just the way I like it!

Disgusting or Resourceful and More Organizing

Reese and I headed out to Target and Office Depot this morning. Like most 3 year olds, he is not a big fan of shopping so I packed my bag with snacks and entertainment, hoping for a stress free outing. Thankfully it was an uneventful morning and I was able to pick up a few more organizing tools like a really cool label maker. I'm not even sure what I'm going to label, but I couldn't resist it. I'm not sure what has come over me.

Jake came home last night to find I had made labels for the canvas bins I put in the toy room. I printed off "Lego's, Power Rangers, Cars" etc., laminated them and used Velcro pieces to stick them to the canvas. I was pleased with myself. Jake thinks I've lost my mind. Nathan is already learning how to read the label's and now we don't have to pull them off of the shelf to see what is in them. I think it's genius....and maybe a little anal.

Reese was so good while shopping we stopped by Snip-It's instead of our normal hair cut spot and he got the royal kid treatment while getting his hair cut. They even spiked his hair up and put some wash out green streaks in it. He loved it.

On the way home this morning I had one last stop, the bank. Right in the middle of my deposit in the drive through Reese insists he has to go pee-pee and NOW. I think over my options, risk waiting until the teller sends my stuff back through the tube or grab the empty sippy cup in the cup holder and let him make a little deposit of his own. I play it safe, tell him to unbuckle and come up front. He stands in the passenger side floor space and I hold out the cup. He says, "Is this a potty?" I said yes and the little guy did his business and hopped back into his seat, all before the teller sent us our receipt. If you are wondering, the sippy cup was one of those keep or toss kind so yes, it got tossed when we got home. Disgusting or resourceful...I vote resourceful.

Nate brought home his second report card of Kindergarten....all S's (A's) again. Yippee! He was so proud of himself....and I was too.

Back to School Fever

I've always loved back to school season....shopping for school supplies, breaking out the warm clothes, that feeling that fall is just around the corner. OK, so it's still going to be months before we feel even a hint of fall weather in Florida, but I can fantasize for now.

We were in Target yesterday and let the boys pick out lunch boxes. Nate is being very selective for once and is still shopping for just the right lunch box, but Reese plucked a Cars lunch box off the shelf in no time. As Jake and I were heading off to bed last night we passed the lunch box sitting on the kitchen counter. We both paused......trying to grasp that our littlest owns a lunch box and is heading off the pre-school. I have happy and sad feelings all at once.

It didn't help that we had just watched Alpha Dog and HATED the ending! Made us so happy that our kids were upstairs, tucked in and safe from the world.

Years ago, before Jake and I had kids we were out with a couple who had two girls around pre-school age. At one point during the evening the mother commented on her children's whining......how it drives her crazy. I thought she was being harsh because I hadn't noticed the whining. Fast forward..........to me with a 5 and 2 year old. I CAN NOT STAND THE WHINING! If you've got something to say, say it, but don't whine! It grinds at every nerve Jake and I have. I assume at some point in child development this stops, right..........oh, please tell me it stops?