Thursday, May 15, 2008

Ignore it and maybe it will go away

I haven't blogged about my cancer recurrence since my initial post. My hope was that if I didn't make a big deal out of it, it wouldn't BE a big deal. Plus, I feel cancer has taken up too much of my time already, why would I give it a platform once again?

The truth, I'm consumed in this nightmare of a moment and just want to find my way out. I feel like I'm being stalked. How can it be that for the last three years I thought I was cancer free, but I wasn't? How can it be that a little known cancer of the tongue could find it's way to my non-smoking, non drinking, non tobacco chewing tongue? How is it that I could live 29 healthy, uneventful years only to be plague by cells that kill people for the last 6 years? I know it doesn't make any sense to ask these questions because frankly it's likely I'll never get the answers, but I'm consumed in them.

I want to be boring again, blog about the fact that my three year old got in trouble for picking his nose in school after being asked to stop, or the fact that Obama is coming to FL in one week and I want to be there. Instead, I'm wondering through the day chasing the depression, fear and grief away with drugs and yet they still stalk me.

I had an appointment with a head and neck cancer specialist yesterday in Tampa. I hoped for the best, feared the worse and walked away with the unknown still lingering. The plan, I have a PET (whole body) scan and CT of the head and neck scheduled for tomorrow. They will review the pathology of my recent surgery to see if the margins were VERY clear. Apparently with tongue tumors clear margins have to be larger than most other tumors. The likelihood is that I'll need more surgery to remove more tongue and replace what is removed with skin from my arm to restore function. Then I guess based on how that goes I may have to have more radiation and more chemo. I think I can handle more surgery it's the radiation and chemo that scare the shit out of me. Please God, let surgery make me better so I don't have to endure more life saving poison.

I'm scared and sad. I know I'll find the funny and positive somewhere in all of this eventually, but I'm just not there yet. I just want to shake the "cancer girl" reputation I feel I have and be well so I can take care of Nathan and Reese and watch them grow into handsome, loving men. Is that to much to ask? Don't I deserve that?

Fuck you cancer!


AnnMarie said...

I know you'll say you have no other choice.... but the word BRAVE is not strong enough to describe you Hope.

I join your "fuck cancer" movement.

Stacy said...

I am really & truly going to my knees in prayer for you right now. I know I have a rep for being a rose-colored, butterfly kisses, anti-drug, God-y Two-Shoes but my faith in Him is not without merit.

I don't have any idea whether words of prayer-lifting are of comfort or of frustration for you but I hope you hear this comment in the loving way that I intend it.


Life is beautiful... Mostly said...

One thing for sure is you are not "cancer girl". You are a strong and wonderful mother! I, too, pray that you will be rid of cancer and free to enjoy your children and all the fun and excitement that every ordinary day holds for you. I am a co-member of the "ignore it" club! Love and prayers,

Jen said...

I too join the "fuck you cancer" train.
Hugs, Kisses, inappropriate touching (just kidding on the last one)

Laugh! Or Laff!

Love ya.