Saturday, July 11, 2009

Hope Visited Me Again

Last night a regular blog reader that I'll let remain anonymous for now drunk dialed and texted me last night around 2:30 AM. We talked for a while and had a really great conversation. You get to know people's more honest feelings when their guard is down so please know I'm normally up and love the drunk dial. The drunk text is okay but then there's evidence the next day and anyone with political aspirations needs plausible deniability. In fact, that's pretty much been the credo of our government over the last oh let's say 5 or 6 decades. I've been known for drunk dialing myself and the voicemails you leave behind are almost always hilarious. My personal favorite to me was again a regular blog reader that was driving around lost in a parking garage, hiccupping like crazy so half of it was not comprehensible, with the "I love you's" flying out faster then the Michael Jackson tributes (which once again really bothers me how much we don't appreciate someone until they are gone. Over the last decade plus a whole generation only knew Michael was a freak and child molester and nothing about his amzing music and two plus decades of being "it" in music. I still have people e-mail or tell me really cool things that Hope did that still affects their lives. She knows now but never knew when she was alive what a profound affect she had on almost everyone that crossed her path. I'm just as guilty as anyone when it comes to Michael, but not with my family. I told Hope, my grandmother, and my grandfather all the time how much I love them and how much they impacted my life. Those are the 3 closest people in my life I have lost, and I tell my Mom, my brother, and most importantly my kids the same thing all the time. If you're not, make sure it's not too late when you get around to it. OK I'm done with my diatribe on that --- you just never know what's going to come out of these things).

Back to the drunk dial, I had trouble getting to sleep after our conversation and was in that oh yeah I think I'm finally falling asleep state or maybe I already am asleep state when Hope visited me for the second time. The last time was on 8 June (yes I remember the date) and this is just over one month later. All of a sudden she was just there, standing right next to me. She was wearing an all white T-shirt and khaki shorts, no shoes and her hair down like it almost always was. She was 100% healthy, smiling, and at first glance into her eyes the white part was red like blood, but then she blinked once and they were white as I gazed into her mesmerizing blue eyes. I could not hear her voice orally, but I could in my head which was strange. She smiled and told me she loved me and thought I was doing really well. I asked her without talking as well if she was happy and she said she was. It felt like we were standing next to each other for 15 minutes but I think it was only a few seconds. I just kept staring at her and tried to hold her hand but could not. She smiled at me again, told me everything was really good, and then she was just gone. It made my heart just glow and this incredibly calm and relaxed feeling over my entire body like I just finished a massage or well, er, had been otherwise satisfied.

Then I woke up this morning and felt so lonely. I ached because I wanted her to be next to me in bed and the loneliness was just overwhelming. This is a feeling I've had in the past, especially at night after I tuck the kids in bed. Early on after she passed I still used to think she was in the back room and it would kill me when I realized she wasn't. I don't feel like that anymore thank goodness but after her visit last night my heart absolutely aches right now. I laid in bed over an hour after Nathan woke me up to ask if he could watch TV. Amazingly Reese is still sleeping, something both boys have needed since our trip to NE. I am becoming more comfortable being alone and I think with time that will continue to improve. Certain things just hit me like a Papelbon fastball whether it's a memory induced by a song, a smell, something the kids say, or something else. Other items bounce off and don't hurt too much like a Wakefield knuckleball. All of it adds up and just sometimes it all comes out at once.

Now back to reality, the dryer is buzzing at me over Spongebob and Nathan playing the harmonica. I need to go wake up Reese, get everyone to basketball while I pick up ice cream sandwiches for the kids on the way, hurry back home for lunch and then off to a pool birthday party both kids are going to (by the way the family's last name for the party is Supernau, which got me thinking to changing my name to Superwise, Studwise, Jedijake for the boys, Superjake, etc. --- kind of like McLovin in Superbad an all-time classic), and then I'm on standby for a phone call to leave the party early because my brother from Mass, his wife and two kids are in town and are coming to our house for more pool party and dinner tonight. A typical slow day for the 3 Wisemen, and tomorrow I am off to Amelia Island with a co-worker for a site inspection and early morning meeting on Monday. Amelia Island is the place Hope and I went after her first recovery from cancer when Nathan was only 10 months old. We loved it up there so I'm sure this trip will stir up some memories too. We celebrated her recovery from cancer 3 times over 6 years, I just wish we could have done it one more time last year. That wasn't in the cards, so now we celebrate every day like it's our last as much as we can. In the meantime I still have to fold laundry, damn laundry! I've been doing my own laundry (except when Hope did it) since I was about 12 or 13 years old but it's such a pain to do it for the three of us.

I've got much more to blog about but that will have to be it for this morning as I have to keep those kiddos first above all else. Thanks for haunting me again Hope as you promised, I love you like water (chocolate and Oprah). And Ann-Marie, Hope and I will both be at your grandfather's funeral next week. It would be too hard for me to go alone...


rach said...

Hope is proud of you and how you are doing. Keep up the good work. :)


J said...

Glad you had the dream. I keep hoping that she comes to me at some point...I have only dreamed of finding an old dusty letter from her in a cabinet.