Wow!

As I'm sure everyone knows that reads my blog (previously Hope's blog that I took over only because she could not do it anymore and then ultimately it became my own sanctuary and best mental support that I did not have to pay for) that I put myself out there all the time. I type out my personal feelings about every aspect of what I have and am going through. I also because of who I am have always been joking around at the same time. Anyone that knows me well knows I don't ever put LOL or smiley faces sideways because I've always felt if you know me, you know when I'm joking and when I'm serious. If you can't tell, get to know me better then. And of course, the ridiculous cup size comments were a complete joke. I know my limitations, I'm not the best looking guy, not the biggest guy, not the smartest guy, not the richest guy, not the easiest guy and the list can go on and on.

However, I might be the most compassionate and/or passionate guy about every aspect of my life as I don't do anything half way. I'm either 110% in, or not at all in anything I do. If I say I'm going to do something it either happens or I kill myself trying to make it happen. I am lonely, I am looking for what I used to have, I do HOPE to find love again, I do HOPE to find someone to share my passions with, and I understand I am only 6 months removed from one of the toughest life events that is imaginable. I am trying to improve every day, but every day is a struggle. It's well past midnight, I should be trying to catch up on some sleep, yet I find myself once again struggling even though I can't pinpoint why. Man-Marie called me tonight before I had a chance to even get home from an overnight work trip and read the blog comments laughing because two anonymous commenters were fighting back and forth between each other. Of course she did not help by jumping into the fray, but if you know her and love her that's just Man-marie.

I don't mind anyone flirting via blog comments (especially since they are anonymous I can imagine they have junk in the trunk, the ability to make-up for other inadequacies ((I have plenty of my own as I've previously blogged about so I know how that feels)), if anonymous number one is actually silicone Cindy from the Keys ((of course cup size does not matter except in Cindy's case as I've never been more mesmerized by meaningless conversation)), or if like we say to everyone that owns a Corvette (sorry about your penis --- with the exception of my brother-in-law John of course) we try to overcompensate in other ways. In the end, I hope that like me nobody takes any of it too seriously. Give me shit all you want, flirt a little, enjoy the fucking moment because that's what Hope would have told you and did tell me over and over again (maybe not exactly in those terms as she was always more eloquent). She enjoyed every moment that we were together, we had the ultimate life together for as long as we were able, I miss her every day but admittedly less every day, I hurt every day but less each day now, and we all have to be able to move on. I'm not there yet but getting closer with each moment. I will always love Hope, my boys will always come first, but I hope to find love again to share my life with some one (although you will have to put up with a lot and have a sense of humor about yourself above all else).

One more thought I've shared with a few close friends, I am done with the love thing dammit. I only want to marry for money from here on out because the love thing is too hard and who wouldn't want to retire at age 36? I was in Amelia Island today looking at multi-million dollar condos and single family homes inspecting a suspect drainage system thinking this could be me if I play my cards right. I even walked down to the pool and beach seeing if I could spot the future Mrs. Wise but they just thought I was a lawn boy so that didn't go over as well as I'd hoped. The boys don't need a good stepmom, they need a good nanny and butler. A Durango won't do when a Land Rover or Lexus convertible SUV is available (I think I made up that vehicle).

I'm finally getting my priorities right, so if Anonymous number 1 is serious please show me how you make up for cup size with the almighty dollar assuming that's what you meant (and not other functions that by the way are more important then money --- jokes again, okay only sort of). I am lonely and therefore easily turned on, but I am also realistic and doing better every day with priorities. I am not perfect, I am happy to point out my many faults, I am comfortable with them, I will continue to point them out to anyone that will listen to me talk or read my blogs, but the hardest thing right now is that I'm lonely and not comfortable with that yet. I wish I was, I HOPE time will heal that, but I'm just not sure right now. I normally am confident in everything I do, but it's just not there right now. I have to be comfortable with that aspect of myself before I can be ready to share with others. I know that's the case and I'm frustrated I'm not doing better with it.

Those of you that regularly read the blog know I have been searching for "it" again and I can't fucking find "it"!!! I know it's there, just out of reach, I feel it sometimes but then I have a setback, I drink too much when I shouldn't, I do something with the kids I regret or even worse don't do something I regret, I buy enough groceries to cook for a week but then end up going out to dinner almost every night, I let my emotions get the best of me, I squash my emotions too much sometimes, and if anyone that sees me on a regular basis knows that I tear up often but hold it all back when maybe I should just let it all out (my psycho calls it the weepy period). I don't think anyone wants to see that, so I don't let it happen except when I'm alone. Maybe that's setting me back, maybe that's normal, maybe there is no normal in my case, maybe I worry about the wrong things, and maybe it's all just what has to be to get better with time.

I'm still figuring it all out in this journey of one, but Wow, I never thought I'd have two anonymous women fighting over what is right and wrong for me (or Hope) or our blog. It started as just a joke, like when I used to always type Just Jake at the end of my blogs. Hope was Hope, amazing, eloquent, even more passionate than me, etc. so I was always Just Jake compared to her and since we used the same e-mail and blog I didn't want anyone confusing her words with mine. She has done more good since her passing for us all and I think will continue to do so as long as all of you remember her. The 3 wisemen will not forget, she was the queen of Wow!, and I hope to some day find it again in somebody else that I can share my life with.

In the meantime, please don't anyone take all of this too seriously and find your passion and love for whatever it is you feel strongly about. Mine is two young boys and one bigger boy trying to heal. That is my passion and I hope to find the Wow! again down the road in something and some one else. I am going to bed alone again tonight, if anonymous numbers one or two have anything more to offer to help with that then a cup size please let me know. Figuratively speaking I am a freakishly small triple A bra size that needs to be special ordered, and am wowed I can even drum up some interest right now. Focus on the positive whether it's BJ's, money, or just the ability raise the ire of others through typing words, find your passion and jump in 110%. I will continue to do so until I find "it" again.

- Just Jake.