Today

Know I do the blogs for myself, no other more self righteous self-involved reason. They help me, not much else does except the boys, and I absolutely don't care if anyone thinks I do them for attention or anything else. If you think that, read something else. I really don't care.

Today was the worst day of my life, I've never missed Hope more, it should have been our 12th anniversary, I felt alone although I was with friends and family all day, not even fried pickles tasted good which tells you I was hurting. I'm tired, I'm tired of not feeling right, I'm tired of feeling guilty, I'm tired of thinking I should do more but I don't know what more I can do, I'm tired of feeling guilty when I feel good, I'm tired of not feeling good enough, I'm tired of feeling guilty when I'm hard on the kids, I'm tired of feeling like I'm not hard enough on the kids, I'm tired on not being sure of what I'm doing all the time, I'm tired of not getting enough sleep or way too much, I'm tired of feeling dependent on others, I'm tired of people being upset because I don't ask for enough help, I'm tired of all the phone calls and e-mails but hope they don't slow down because they keep me going, I'm tired of making plans but at the same time that's all the keeps me going, I'm tired of work but I miss it so much, I'm tired of crying all the time but trying not to do so all the time, I'm tired of being short with the kids when they need more love and patience then ever, I'm tired of feeling guilty of not working more when over the last 9.5 years I've put in more soul than Jim Baker on a telethon weekend, and I'm just tired trying to keep up a positive front. It's not that I'm not positive, I'm just tired of showing it up front all the time. I love you hope, happy 12th anniversary, and please know that I'll never be tired of you, just tired of the fight to keep my body and soul from being with you. I love you like water...