Sunday, February 1, 2009

Today

Know I do the blogs for myself, no other more self righteous self-involved reason. They help me, not much else does except the boys, and I absolutely don't care if anyone thinks I do them for attention or anything else. If you think that, read something else. I really don't care.

Today was the worst day of my life, I've never missed Hope more, it should have been our 12th anniversary, I felt alone although I was with friends and family all day, not even fried pickles tasted good which tells you I was hurting. I'm tired, I'm tired of not feeling right, I'm tired of feeling guilty, I'm tired of thinking I should do more but I don't know what more I can do, I'm tired of feeling guilty when I feel good, I'm tired of not feeling good enough, I'm tired of feeling guilty when I'm hard on the kids, I'm tired of feeling like I'm not hard enough on the kids, I'm tired on not being sure of what I'm doing all the time, I'm tired of not getting enough sleep or way too much, I'm tired of feeling dependent on others, I'm tired of people being upset because I don't ask for enough help, I'm tired of all the phone calls and e-mails but hope they don't slow down because they keep me going, I'm tired of making plans but at the same time that's all the keeps me going, I'm tired of work but I miss it so much, I'm tired of crying all the time but trying not to do so all the time, I'm tired of being short with the kids when they need more love and patience then ever, I'm tired of feeling guilty of not working more when over the last 9.5 years I've put in more soul than Jim Baker on a telethon weekend, and I'm just tired trying to keep up a positive front. It's not that I'm not positive, I'm just tired of showing it up front all the time. I love you hope, happy 12th anniversary, and please know that I'll never be tired of you, just tired of the fight to keep my body and soul from being with you. I love you like water...

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

No words just know I'm sharing tears with you tonight.

Anonymous said...

Right, no words, just time.... Your soul and humor is still there. Those will keep you going.

rach said...

We love you Jake.
rach brad liv and ethan

Anonymous said...

one foot in front of the other. soon enough it will carry you to where you need to be.

Patrick said...

Hang in there Jake. As they say in rehab, when you've reached the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on! You and the boys are in my prays!

Brad said...

Keep your head up.
You have handled it better than anyone I can imagine. Grammy and Gramp would be so proud of you. We are all proud of you.

Remember we are always here for you, (although 1400 miles away in the cold snow.....)

Keep on writing.....It is helpful for all of us.

J said...

Did someone say or write something about you writing? (Sorry if that's confusing!)

That sucks, if someone did that.

Anyway, I'm glad you are writing. Always thinking of you boys down there.

Anna Knowles said...

I'm glad you're writing many things you're feeling. For one, I can see how you feel about all of this- Hope, the boys, being lonely,etc. without you having to talk openly about it and two, like many others, I'm grateful to know where you're at and how you're trying to deal with it. It would be so much scarier for me and everyone else if you closed yourself off completely and didn't let us in, in some form or another. You don't have to share all your inner thoughts and feelings that you write on your blog with all of us, but you do and I thank you! Truly- thank you!

Trish Scholer LeBouef said...

Hang in there Jake - Lifting you up in prayer.