Saturday, February 28, 2009

Bad Day 4 and Counting

First of all, I have to make a few corrections from my last blog. I do have another single friend Nick that I forgot about, sorry Nick. Second, I really do need to correct what I said about Reese's school. His two teachers, especially his main teacher, have been absolutely amazing. I was referring to other parents and not the teachers when talking about people not reaching out. The administrative staff has been equally supportive, so I did not mean the school hasn't been great. At Nate's school because Hope volunteered their much more often and we've done a lot more birthday parties because of the older age, I had many more parents approach me and help us out. Thinking back on it since my last blog I was being unfair. None of the parents there really knew us very well so I should not have expected anywhere near the same support from other parents. We are so lucky to have the two schools support us the way they have, because I'm not always able to keep up with everything (i.e. the bills are still sitting here but I promised myself after our 3 games today I'm getting them done).

One more quick item from the last blog. I received a long and very sweet anonymous post that I loved. There's no restrictions on length by the way as you can see by my long drawn out seems like it's not going to end run-on sentences---well you get the point. I cannot respond directly to anonymous blogs, so if you just don't want anyone but me to know who you are please e-mail me at home ( That one blog response helped more than you know.

It's 5 AM on Saturday morning which used to be "my time." I used to get up at this hour or earlier and run, work, clean house, or do something productive while everyone else slept. Today I just want to sleep more (I am still sleeping more than I ever have in my life and feel like I can't get enough) but I can't stop obsessing about Hope. I never normally remember my dreams, but lately I remember way too many and they are almost all about Hope. In a couple she's still alive so when I wake up I'm crying. In the others she is at her worst towards the end and I just have the powerless feeling I used to always have not being able to help my own wife or children. That feeling really sucked to put it mildly, and now my dreams bring it back. Why can't I just dream about Tina Fey like everyone else???

Since Tuesday I have steadily declined and can't shake it. Here's a recap of today, cried on my way to drop off the kids because Billy Joel's "Only the good die young" came on the radio, cried while sitting at my desk because a co-worker who is very sweet sent me an e-mail checking in on how I was doing because I know they can all tell I'm just not me, found drops of water all over my silk shirt from tears when I got up (I said the bathroom sink faucett exploded on me --- by the way the shirt was the last ever time Hope and I went shopping together on our way back from the Moffitt Center in Tampa), when we got home after I took the kids out to eat I got out of the Jeep first, followed by Reese when he says "Mommy got out of the Jeep before me Daddy because her spirit is skinny so she can do that" and I just lost it all over again. Both boys just hugged me as I sobbed in my driveway uncontrolably. I did the same thing one more time when I got in the house before I finally just put a movie in for the kids. I thought about a dozen people I wanted to talk to, but then just didn't feel like talking in the end (and I never don't feel like talking for those that know me). Yesterday was my brother's birthday, and I didn't even call him because I just didn't want to talk to anyone and we talk multiple times each week. My mom is even up there, but I didn't have it in me.

Sorry new blog record for even me recapping my TGIF experience with ramblings and run-on sentences (I know Anna is squeamish every time she reads one of these --- my almost PhD sister-in-law and more importantly long-time friend). Many of you asked me how it went with the grief counselor. It was the first time I spoke to anyone and I really didn't get much out of it except that what I'm going through is normal. She gave me a list of 50 "normal" symptoms and I got to pick the ones that best fit me. I was good for about a dozen if memory serves. She did ask me a lot of good questions to get me talking, but there were no break-throughs. I did find it interesting she was very worried that I was mad at God.

Now I know I'll stoke some emotions with this one and I do believe in God, and I believe God created life. Long before Hope ever got sick I never believed that God had a master plan for everyone (I believe you make your own positives or negatives in your life but no one entity is in control), I don't believe God could possibly listen to every prayer and respond to all of them, I don't believe our culture that has many variations on God is any more correct then the 100's or 1000's of other versions of God exist across this earth (except for the terrorists, I really don't like their version very much), and I don't believe if there was a just God that did listen to prayers and control lives he (or she --- that was for you Mom) could possibly allow the horrible things that occur everyday on our planet that most of us ignore because it drags us down while we sip coffee in our SUV's and complain about the weather. Don't worry I'm not judging, I'm right there with you most of the time. The horrors in Africa, the middle east, China, and even that homeless guy I never give money to because I don't want to encourage him to possibly go by more liquor. So no, I'm not mad at God at all as I don't think he/she did this to Hope. Humanity brought this on by screwing up nature, but that's our human nature so there's nobody to blame. I'm sad, but I'm not mad about Hope's death. Wars have waged for centuries over different beliefs in Gods. The reverend that conducted Hope's celebration told me that God has never once written a single word. Makes you think...One of my all-time favorite comedian lines was talking about warring over different beliefs in God is like saying my imaginary friend is better then yours. While I think that's strong he makes a good point.

Speaking of homeless, Hope once in Tallahassee saw a homeless man pandering on a street corner. Rather then give him money she ran to a grocery store and bought him fried chicken, a sub, and a soda. She tried to give it to him and he knocked it out of her hands and said I can't buy booze with that!!! That was back when we had no money but that was Hope's heart, and we ate fried chicken and a sub that night.

So all I basically learned was that I'm acting normal and to try and feel my feelings as much as I can. I'm certainly doing that much more then I want to at this time. I have felt very cold for the last 4 days, my heart aches for Hope when I have the dreams and the kids talk about her, and the rest of the time lately even with the kids I feel so lonely, so very isolated and alone. I know I'm not as we have the best friends and family a person could ever Hope for, but I just can't shake it. This is the start of day 5, hopefully the tallest of the three Florida Wisemen is on the mend. The good news is Kevin Garnett is coming back for the Celts, we signed Stephon Marbury, Ben Wallace is hurt for the Cavs (I would never wish ill on any player but I'm not upset he's hurt), and the Pats signed Fred Taylor today. I'm going to try and get some sleep and not dream about Hope, man I never thought I'd say those words...


Jennifer P said...

Jake - Don't give up on the grief counselling sessions. You won't have any breakthroughs on your first visit. You'll find they help more with time. I hope Day 5 was better. - Lots of love, Jen P

AnnMarie said...


Myra said...

Jake, I check often to see if you have added to the blog. Even though there are no words to easy your pain, I still want to know how you and the boys are doing. I read and cry along with you most of the time. Please keep writing.

Anonymous said...

I do not know u very well, in fact I think I have actually met u only once----I must say that I look forward to your blogs I check every other day to see what u have to say----You are incredible, I mean your writing is incredible!!!!!The things that u write get me so drawn in that, I feel that I can feel the emotion that you feel.[If that makes any sense]
You sound like u are doing a great job with those two small wise men.
You just stick with them and they will keep you busy--between school, birthday partys,baseball,laundry,and a ocassional brewsky [or 2 or 3] u will be so busy that u probably will not have time to do those bills but u better get them done because u know that Hope is watching u and if there is anyone that knows that u can do it that would be her!!!!
I am not saying that the hurt u feel will ever go away , I just Hope that those boys keep u so happy and busy that the ache will ease up a bit every day.
You 3 Wise men are in my prayers stay safe and u threee stay happpy!!!
By the way , I think u missed your calling---u should be writing for Hallmark!!!! Your awesome!

rach said...

I can picture everything when you write about the boys, your house, the jeep, etc. I can hear Reese's high little voice when you said he said Hope got out of the car first...
Thanks for allowing us to share in your experiences and life at this difficult time. Reading these blogs certainly helps us to feel connected to you and the boys.
rach :)