Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Bad Day

I can't explain it. I tried to figure it out all day. I tried to get out of it all day. I just couldn't shake that feeling between you're not sure if you have food poisoning, a hangover, flu symptoms (even though I never get sick - Hope hated when I said that but it's true), or did someone just kick me in the balls (excuse me, I should use language appropriate for a church like penis so as to not offend others) repeatedly when I was distracted? Maybe it's that ghost the kids always see but I never do that spanks me when they're around (although Reese to this day still tells me as we're winding that game up that it was him all along like he thought he completely fooled me).

The only thing I can figure is that yesterday I was talking to a friend (I don't know if that friend still reads these so I"ll keep it at that). Anyway I hold this friend in the highest regard but started thinking that I basically do not have any single friends at all (except the Mozz and Jen) and all my friends are married. I started thinking that married friends' wives in the future won't be as comfortable letting their husbands go out with me, their husbands wanting me to go out or be too close with their wives, and I have impossible standards that are unfair to any woman --- Hope and Tina Fey! I only thought about that for a few minutes but that's the only thing I can figure that's brought me so far down so quickly.

The last few days have been incredible. On Friday I had over for dinner Reese's new best friend from school who I found out had a sister exactly Nathan's age. The mom was divorced and was the only person in Reese's entire school that pulled me aside and talked to me about Hope and offered to reach out. The kids got along amazingly well, played all night while we just talked and the conversation at times really helped me seeing what I'm going through via a divorce where the other person is still around making you crazy at times (see how lucky I am?). Before we knew it 11:30 PM hit, the older two kids were out cold (Nathan had peed on the couch unfortunately for the first time in about 4 years), and the younger two were still going strong. They finally left around midnight so we had some tired kiddos come Saturday morning.

Sat morning brought Natedog's basketball game and he scored 5 points (the team's total was 14) in what was a classic Celtics vs. Lakers match-up. We scored with about 10 seconds to play but the ref called it off because the Lakers fouled us (typical evil Lakers type of blatant foul and cheating). We don't have free throws except at half-time so surely the game was over. Instead all my amazing coaching (okay we gave it to the best kid and told him to just drive and shoot) drew up the perfect play and he scored again to tie the game with 2 seconds left. It ended in a tie but more importantly to the kids they all got ice cream sandwiches and Capri-Suns afterwards. Game 4 in the Finals last year was almost as exciting.

We then went to Orlando and stayed with Dan and Amy and their two boys that are 7 and 3. We went to Universal Studios, the Mardi Gras parade, and our first ever venture to Moe's Southwest Grill (Welcome to Moeeeeee's!). Moe's was surprisingly good and since I love The Usual Suspects and Fletch I was right at home ordering. Excuse me, my car just hit a water buffalo, may I borrow your towel? The Kyser Salsa was especially good. If you've never seen either of those movies or it's just been a while, get your Celtics 2008 Championship DVD first and then these two movies. You'll thank me, it was back when Chevy Chase was funny --- no really for those of you 25 or younger.

We hit the Orlando Science Center the next day which is always incredible including my all-time new favorite exhibit called Grossology followed by a 270 degree, 8-story movie about the Colorado River and the Grand Canyon that you just felt like you were inside the movie and even got sea sick a bit. Grossology had a kids play area that you climbed in the mouth, slid down the throat into the stomach, and then crawled through the colon and rectum only to be pooped out at the end. I guess that means my boys are like corn, oh nevermind. Next it was off to the pair of guns that shot boogers into a giant nose. When the nose filled up with boogers it would sneeze them all out and then you would start all over again. I was looking for a giant finger to help the poor nose out but could not find one. That was followed by a scientific analysis about the tightness of the anus and what kinds of fart noises you would make. It went on and on like that and I was just glad Dan and Amy were there to watch my boys because I don't know if they were even in the room. I don't care how old you get, boogers and farts are always funny.

We then ran home to have a cookout with some friends we had been missing for quite some time and of course our incredible neighbors. They were going to have both boys over for dinner tonight to let me catch up on bills and work but Reese got sick this afternoon. I knew it was real because he said he did not feel good enough to play with Lindsey. Until now, Lindsey was the only way I could get him to eat some foods (by the way Lindsey you now have 27 favorite foods), behave or you can't see Lindsey, take a bath because Lindsey likes a clean boy, don't pick your nose because Lindsey doesn't like that, clean your room because Lindsey likes that in a man, etc. It's nice to know things never change with men, just use a woman and we'll do just about anything.

As usual instead of paying bills, applying for Hope's life insurance, getting work done, cleaning the house, or just relaxing I'm blogging. I do love your feedback so please post me messages. Reese is still sleeping and Nathan is next door so I better get some work done. Lindsey doesn't like it when I don't pay bills (okay that was kind of creepy). I still haven't really talked to anyone but I did finally schedule an appointment with a grief counselor from hospice on Thursday of this week. We'll see how it goes. I keep being told I'll get angry and ask why a lot but I really haven't felt those feelings much at all. Who knows what's normal and I've never actually been one to follow the normal paths. I just blinked and got kicked in the balls again, or was that just Erin's casserole I ate earlier today??? I miss you Hope, tomorrow has to be a better day, it just has to.


Anonymous said...

Thinking of you. My friends at church ask about you often and I update as I can from the blog. Thanks for letting us be blessed by your and Hope's lives.

Rest well, pay your bills, enjoy the game and hug the boys....you're doing a great job Jake.

- Walker

Jennifer P said...

Hey! I am so glad to hear you are going to see a grief counselor. I think you will appreciate a reality check... and hear from a professional that you are normal (hearing it from us may not be helping). I am glad you are staying busy and spending time with people who love you.

-- Jennifer (one of your two single friends)

J said...

Pay those bills, man!!! :)

Have a better day today!
Hey, Lost is on tonight! Watch that and be befuddled for an hour!

rach said...

It sounds like you are keeping nice and busy. There will certainly be bad days, but tomorrow is another clean slate.

Glad to hear Lindsay is still helping Reese try new foods!!

Take care,
Love you,

Daddy-O said...

I hope your "funk" didn't start around 3:00 pm. If so then we might be experiencing some extra sensory connection. Maybe Fat Tuesday has that affect on a lot of people? While it would have been great to party it up in New Orleans at least you got to fake it in Orlando Saturday at Universal.

Keep up the good fight, you know you always have all your friends and family (married and single) that will be there in a heartbeat when you need us.

Catch up with you later, and follow Jen's advice and get lost in Lost tonight.

Brad Martin said...

Jake, keep your head up.
Glad to hear things are busy.
We keep you and the boys in our thoughts every day.

Nice work with the B-Ball coaching. I hear Doc Rivers is lookng for a new asistant....


Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that even though I did not know you and Hope that well, I feel like I do from all of these blogs. I have had the urge to say something to you many times, but there just didn't seem to be the right words. What could be said? How many times can you hear "sorry"? I am very pleased to hear you are going to a grief counselor. You will be helped. I know. I saw a counselor after my divorce from what ended up to be an abusive marriage. They know their stuff. Even the littlest emotion can be explained so that you feel okay and not nuts. They also help you to know what is ahead for you. You have a long road ahead. I am glad you found someone to talk to, but I have one thing to say. Be careful. I know this person. A lot of people know this person. You are in a very vulnerable position right now. And, as bad as I hate to say it, there are people that will take advantage of you even in this situation. Watch out. No one can take care of you in matters such as these, except you. Also, just because no one pulled you aside to talk to you doesn't mean that you have not been on people's minds. You have been in everyone's prayers, and Reese has been taken a little extra care of. You should be comforted in that. Besides, you yourself said that you hadn't talked to anyone yet. You have to be ready. No one can push you. You have many people that will listen any time you want to talk, be it at home, work or school.
They say divorce is like a death, if you are on the crappy end of it. I was okay until the final judgement was rendered regarding my kids. Then it was "over" finally. Then I went through numbness, then anger, then depression, and then peace. 15 years of my life was lost. I have survived. I continue to survive. Life has changed, but I am still here. It will get easier, just maybe not as quickly as if you had gotten divorced. Time heals all wounds they say. It doesn't do away with the scars left behind though. Keep your chin up. One thing that has helped me is that when I start feeling really down I focus on some event, or activity, or trip that is in the near future. I plan, and think about and look forward to it. It gives you something to look forward to and pulls you back up from the depths of doom. Try it. It can't hurt, and who knows, it may work for you too. At least it makes life a little more bearable.
I don't think blog responses are suppose to be this long....it is more of a mini series than a reply! I hope I have not made you angry. I just wanted to say my peace. I hope Reese is feeling better.

Anna said...

Oh my. When are you getting here? We should all go up and visit Brad and Rachel (when it's warm, of course).

I now have to add you to my protection list. This means I get to run google and background checks on the people with whom you associate. Tina loves it ;), well, maybe she doesn't it, but it means I care.

Give us a call...anytime.

Trish Scholer LeBouef said...

Love the blogs Jake. Still thinking of you and the boys. Always know that it's o.k. that your emotions run deep and you can not figure them out - none of us can to be quite honest. Continue to keep us up on how you are doing - good, bad, or ugly. Lots of love - Trish

Anonymous said...

Hey Jake,
it sounds like those boys really know how to keep you busy, which is the best way. I read the blog all the time and have been carrying around a generic sympathy card since I was at the house. In response to your blog, If we were in Florida Greg would let me hang out with you but I'm not sure about the letting him go out with you. Keep up the laughter you always have somewhere in your messages. I love to see the humor and know it's always there.

Pam Anderson said...

I say blame the bad day on the casserole (no offense to the person who made it) and bask in the good days you and the boys are having. It is a lot to figure out and it will be good to vent to a professional during the process. You can tell him/her things you are afraid to tell friends & family.

You three are doing better than you think. Feel better! Pay the bills (those usually are enough to make anyone feel sick!) and stay away from casserole!