Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I miss Hope

I got home tonight from a city council meeting with my neighbors being sweet enough to watch the kids and put them to bed. After walking my neighbor half-way home I immediately came back into the house and started to walk into the bedroom. I started to think about if Hope would be asleep with the TV on, asleep with the light on and a book in her lap as she tried to stay awake until I got home, if I would wake her up and tell her about my day or not (sometimes she loved when I did that and other times she would get mad), and then I turned the corner and the room was empty. It was not until then I realized she was not here. I haven't worked much in the last 2 plus months so I was totally out of my city council late night routine.

I love you so much and miss you Hope. I haven't sobbed in days so I think this was just what I needed. Every time I start thinking I've got it all under control something like this pops up. Like I said in the Hope celebration, it's the little things you miss the most. It's amazing you work your whole life to achieve certain goals and Hope and I exceeded all of ours, but now this house that seemed so perfect for the four of us seems so ridiculously big and empty now minus only one person. Rochelle, Ann-Marie and I are meeting for dinner and many, many, many drinks tomorrow night so we can hopefully help each other without distractions. We talk multiple times every day and it seems to help each of us at times, but I think for the first time since Hope's ultimate day of comfort that she so badly deserved it will be the first time the three of us have got together.

My project received unanimous approval tonight after a tumultuous Planning and Zoning board meeting (I know to most this is the engineering nerd inside of me screaming for attention when you'd rather go to an insurance seminar) and it did not even give me the first bit of joy. I even had the council laughing with one of my corny jokes which is not always easy to do in the serious world of local politics nowadays. I think once again my only point is that I miss Hope, and I know I'm not even close to alone in the feeling.

P. S. My quest for hearing personal problems from family/friends has overwhelmed me a bit in my last blog, I'm sorry to hear that we're all screwed up in so many ways that we have to search out the things that give us joy. Just make sure when you find them, you suck the marrow out of every moment because you just never know when it might all go away inexplicably.


Trish Scholer LeBouef said...

Loved the humor, despite the sadness, especially the part about how we all are really screwed up in our own special way.

I hope you and the gals have a bang up time tonight.


rach said...

I hope each day with the boys brings love and light into your lives.(One day at a time, right??)

And about other people's problems....yes, everyone in the world certainly has their own issues/problems or is messed in in their own special way. I like to think that by working through them(as hard as it is) helps us to become stronger and able to help others who will need our help in the future. I think that has helped me get through some really hard times...and I have also heard that wine helps, too. :)

Sending love from the arctic,

Jessica Long said...

You continue to make me laugh and cry. This will be hard for a long time. There will be ups and downs but it will get better. One day at a time. I love you!

Anonymous said...

You rock... Enough said.


Daddy-O said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Daddy-O said...

Really glad you called Tuesday night (or would that really be Wednesday morning). There are many times a day that I find myself thinking of both Hope and you Wise men that I have come to find a surprising level of inner comfort whenever we talk.

I miss her a lot too and at times it is difficult dealing with the fact she isn't around for all those little moments (like when I want her opinion on something or when you get home late). I don't know if I get more upset over my own feelings or knowing you (and the boys to some extent) miss her too and are feeling even more of a loss then me. I guess it stems from thinking about if our situations were reversed and it had been Anna. Hope was my sister and friend, but not the woman I dreamed of growing old with. I know what I'm feeling is but a fraction of what you feel...

On a brighter note, this morning for the first time since Nov. 29th I woke up in a good mood. Kind of surprising since Wednesday was far from a good day for me. Here's to "Hoping" things continue on this track.

Good luck with the game tomorrow morning, talk with you this weekend!