Boyz in the Hood

I know we don't live in the hood (like in Satellite Beach for example --- sorry Dave Tom) but there's a line in the movie I've always loved and repeated from Ice Cube that people just don't know, don't show, and don't care what's going on in the hood. In my hood the overwhelming love and support has just been astonishing and I can't thank everyone enough. I've been getting 10 to 20 letters a day with some of the most heartfelt love from people I would not have ever expected.


Alyson wrote one of the sweetest diatribes about my family that blew me away, my cousin Jessica who've I've grown up always admiring (by the way I still have squatter's rights on your house since we tried to build a fort on the property 30 years ago so Kurt and I would not have leave you guys during visits), two different friends' mom's including a poem that really helped me and a dog groomer to come to our house, and Hope's mom after Nathan's basketball game on Saturday gave me a saying that nailed Hope and how I've been feeling like nothing else. I know I'm forgetting so many others off the top of my head, but thank you one and all for the love and support.

Many of you have asked me about Sybil, the singer at Hope's celebration that did Amazing Grace and a few other songs. She's local with gigs every week and I have seen her personally dozens of times. Her website is http://www.sybilsings.com/. Please go check her out, restaurants/bars are hurting right now and there's nothing more healing than music for the soul. My two cousins that played guitar and sang are 2/3rds of a band in South Berwick, Maine so if you're ever up that way let me know and I'll hook you up with them. There last gig was in front of 120 women so don't feel too bad from them up north braving the frigid cold.


I mentioned the Boyz in the hood because my boys are about the only thing getting me through each day. We can all learn so much from them as they live in the moment like no one else. We have had sad moments together like when I showed them Hope's box of ashes and read them letters Hope wrote to each of them. I found a father's day card I had forgotten about that has Hope's voice recorded saying she loved me and I was a great Dad that she had to have done right before her last tongue surgery because she never spoke like herself again. Rochelle told me she calls Hope's cellular phone (I don't even know where it is by the way along with her wedding rings, one of which is a family heir loom) just to hear her voice. Ann-Marie posted some pics on her facebook of us wrestling in the grass in her front yard from Saturday. Unfortunately on top of everything else Reese has over a 102 temperature tonight so I'm giving him some extra loving. Thank goodness for my training from Hope, Tylenol, Motrin, Tylenol, Motrin, repeat lather and rinse.

That's the other thing helping me get through every day, is so many wonderful friends. When I'm watching MMA, out to dinner, or just grabbing a beer unless we're talking about Hope it's an incredible distraction. When I'm not distracted it's still so hard because everything here reminds me of her and it's all the little things that really get to me. I still kind of feel dumb and numb a lot, although I recognize it's less now then it was immediately following the celebration. I love sports but just cannot even sit and watch the NFL playoffs. I've never been much of a sleeper and I'm getting more sleep now then anytime in my life but I still always feel tired. I'm really looking forward to getting back to work full-time, so far only two half-days hitting a few meetings/conference calls. I really can't thank team civil enough for taking care of things basically for 3 out of the last 7 months as I've missed so much work.


Being alone at night when the kids are in bed hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. There's so many things I want to get done but everything takes 10 times longer than they used to. I have been doing everything since June as far as the house, kids, work, etc. so that part has not been too difficult. Although until now I always had the fallback of Hope being better real soon and taking things over again. I keep everything in the house like Hope is alive, and I can't figure out why I'm still doing that. I still use the far towel rack, far sink, keep her shampoo, razor and toothbrush out, keep the remote in the bedroom on her side of the bed, still light the candles like she always did, but I'm sure that will all evolve with time.

I've always strong-willed myself through every situation in my life but this is the first time I just can't do that. I think I'm learning way more about myself than I ever wanted but hopefully in the end I'll be stronger for it and most importantly a better Dad. Nathan always says I know how you feel Daddy when he sees me crying, but does not get upset. Reese always follows Nathan's lead on how he reacts. The other night I was upset and Nathan said I know what will make you feel better and he gave me the pink boa from Hope's closet that she won for being the top fundraiser at the Relay for Life. By the way Rochelle is keeping the Hope for the Ta-Tas name alive in Hope's memory so I'll send out more information about that down the road to hit you up for walking and fundraising. Everyone has been touched by cancer and research is the only way our children's children won't have to experience what so many of us have had to endure.


Nathan is so sweet, he told me last night that he knows it's harder on him then Reese because Reese just doesn't understand all of this. Then he sat there for a moment and said, Dad I think it's hardest on you though. He's only 7 and one of the most thoughtful human beings I've ever met (not just kids, I really mean all human beings). We talk to Mommy every night before bed and sometimes during the day depending on what we're doing. I'm so grateful to all of our friends and family, grateful for all that we have but especially the Boyz in the hood that Hope gave to me. I can't wait to feel like me again, but I know I'm already making progress.