Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Funky Cold Medina

I think Tone Loc put it best, the funky cold medina when he said it can make you bring home a Sheila and the body is all a mess (or however it goes) but that Sheila can be a man. That's how I fell right now, like I brought home a man with my funky cold medina and there's no "wild thing" for a long time to come. I'm typing the blog for therapy. I don't talk to any docs or even friends/family too much about my feelings, so the blog is my only therapy at this time. I'm not doing it for pity but for myself to hopefully feel better and maybe one day down the road have a record of how I felt that I can share with my boys. Feel free to stop reading any time, I'm not doing this for anyone but myself now.

I feel funky all the time, it's hard to explain. I can't quite complete anything, everything I do complete takes me 10 times longer than it should. I have no feeling of accomplishment, no feeling of satisfaction, no matter what I complete or forget to do. For the last 9-1/2 years I have run my own company making split decisions at the blink of an eye all day with no worries about consequences because I knew in my heart it was always for the best and I could defend every one of them. I lived my life the same way, every decision was final and easy to make. I knew it was right because it was the decision I made. Hope hated to argue with me, because even when I was wrong I so certain in my belief of my own intuition or decision-making that I had to be right.

Now I question everything, I have the hardest time deciding whether to organize the desk and files, watch TV for a bit, go for a run, blog, return phone calls, catch up on bills and mail, or something else. I feel like I'm drunk but do not enjoy the "woo-hoo" alcohol can sometimes bring. Everything is an overwhelming task from kids to meals to calling back friends. My body feels great, I've finally had time to run again but my mind feels like it's been run over by a Mack truck. I'm looking forward to nothing, can't even look beyond the next day or sometimes the next few hours.

I feel like I should be crying much more, but when I do all I want to do is stop. I sobbed like my arm was just caught off twice today, but only for a minute or two each time. It seems like it should be more often, or at least not so sobbing. Tonight when I tucked the boys in we talked to Mommy and hugged her stuffed animals. I cried again but not so hard this time. Reese fussed a bit, but didn't get too upset. Nathan stayed calm and just said I know why you're crying daddy and it's going to be okay. A few nights ago I got upset after watching the Hope DVD from the ceremony and Nathan brought me the pink feather boa Hope won years ago as the highest fundraiser for breast cancer. He said, this will make you feel better Daddy. It didn't, but Nathan's caring sure did.

The funeral home called today and I'm afraid to call them back. I feel tired all the time but probably would not sleep. I feel like I'm not doing a good job with the kids but that's my only priority. I think the funky cold medina has a catch on me and it's too late. I haven't watched any news or sports in many weeks so hopefully the Pats are cruising in the playoffs and Celtics are still holding onto the best record in the league and close to matching their previous 19-game hot streak. But really none of that even matters.

The only time I felt like me today was when I was handling a few work phone calls, but otherwise feel like a turtle on his back that can't get up. I don't want to go back to work, but at the same time know I need to at least somewhat more than the past. I think I'm in for a long roller coaster ride with no carnie to tell me when to step off (they have large hands and smell like cabbage if you remember Austin Powers). I think I just need peace and quiet, lots of family/friends around, more quiet time to gather my thoughts, less quiet time to get back in the game, another drink, no more alochol, another friend or brother to talk to, no one else to talk to, a shrink, a blog, or just stop talking all together and then I'll be just fine and back to the old me.

Once I figure out the right combo I'll let you know for future reference. In the meantime I think I'll just try to power through each moment. I'm all alone feeling like there's nothing here for me worth living for while I'm surrounded by more love from friends and family than I could have ever imagined, with two giant reasons to suck the marrow out of every moment with our boys. Maybe with just a little more time along/with friends I'll start to be the old me again. Maybe he's lost forever along with Hope, and I have to find a new me that is a loner with an angel on his shoulder ready to take on the world again. Either way, tomorrow is the next step towards being me again for better or worse. I'm going to try and go to work which means a shower, brushing my hair, and god for saken pants again. I'll try some funky cold medina to get me going in the morning, thanks Tone (by the way the all-time greatest Tone Loc moment in history had to be in Ace Ventura --- which by the way was also Dan Marino's greatest glory since he could never win the big one).

Good night Hope, I love you like water and I hope you give me the strength to keep up the good fight like you did on Sunday when I spoke in front of 300 loved ones. I don't think anyone has the answer, I have to seek my own path to find it. I just hope I find it for the boys and my own sake.

19 comments:

Eric Marcoullier said...

Jake -- you sound a lot like me. I can run a business but put me in charge of the simplest domestic task (paying bills, cleaning house, etc) and I go tharn.

Your kids sounds really awesome.

AnnMarie said...

all i have for you is a big hug and to say: you still have readers here and we feel the same way....lost with out Hope.

the one day at a time model is all we can do: get through one second, one minute, on hour, one day.

Anonymous said...

Jake - we are still reading the blog and still keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. Keep fighting the good fight....and remember you continue to have a support system you can lean on anytime you get good and ready...

Bill & Laura Dansbury

rach said...

One day at a time is a good mentality to something that doesn't really have an answer. I think what you are going through is normal for what you have been through. Time heals. And you always have laughter for those moments that are really hard(which you are so very good at...if you forget, just pop in Family Guy or Joe Dirt and it just might help you through a tough spot) I believe Nathan when he told you everything is going to be ok.
One day at a time.
Love you, Jake,
rach

Daddy-O said...

One hour, One day at a time will eventually grow into days and weeks. That is what will get us all through this, but that doesn't mean we'll ever get over this or forget her. While we're up here in NC, we're no farther away then then nearest phone (or email/text message) and that goes 24/7.

Do not fear finding your inner Hope and making all those domestic decisions. Hope trained all three of you boys well enough that you won't make a decision that can't be corrected later.

And don't forget Anna found the ironing board in the garage!

-Will

Anonymous said...

Jake, My prayers are for you and the kids each day. I feel every pain that you are feeling and wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

Take each day at a time and pray for strengh each day. Just remember we all love you and time heals all things.

Grandma

Anna said...

You have starch. What more can I say?

Love you-

-Anna

Anonymous said...

"You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you,
as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in
your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked
rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.
Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because
you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing
it, live along some distant day into the answer..."

-Rainer Maria Rilke-

J said...

Why was the ironing board in the garage?

Alison said...

Jake,
Just remember that it is okay to feel the way you are feeling. It is "normal" to feel lost and a bit like you have multiple personalities. Be gentle with yourself, and just do the best that you can to take care of the boys and yourself. We are all here for you if you need us for anything....

Much love,
Alison

Life is beautiful... Mostly said...

Jake,
Writing is great therapy! And you are continuing Hope's legacy by helping others cope with a loss such as yours and all the feelings that go along with that loss.

Love to you,

Laurie

Beth said...

Jake- One of the lines in the Lord's Prayer says, "Give us this day our daily bread..." God doesn't give us our weekly bread or our monthly bread...he gives us enough- strength, hope, patience,all that we need- for that day. You just have to take it one day at a time. If you want to talk, please call. If you want someone to help with the boys, call. If you want to come over and scream, cry, eat, drink, whatever, we are here for you. Steps away... We are praying for you and the boys.

Anonymous said...

Jake,

I know a few in the hospice biz and have listened to their stories of families' great losses and how different family members cope with their loss. For some it takes months and others it (the true impact of the grief) doesn't really hit them for over a year. They think they have "moved on" and accepted the loss but all of a sudden out of nowhere they are paralyzed with grief all over again. Everyone heals differently and no one heals the right way because there is no right way to grieve or to feel when you've lost the love of your life, the mother of your children, and your most super best friend. Crying in spurts sounds good to me. Sounds normal. Being confused sounds normal to me also. Don't judge yourself or your feelings or the way you're acting. Just try to accept that it's okay to feel and act anyway you can/want because there is no right or wrong way. When you're ready, hopefully you'll seek out those that you can trust well enough to listen and let you do what you need to do in your grief. You are not super human so don't try to be. When you're overwhelmed and feel like can't do for the boys or yourself, let one of your many friends/family help out. We all want to help see you through this black fog because you are a great man, great dad and great husband (and great boss!). So please be humble enough to know that you need to ask for help when you can't do it all. And know that there are many that can pick up the pieces for you.

-Lauren.

Anonymous said...

Jake--- I'm sure you might slightly remember me but it has been a long time. I think about hope everyday but I had stopped calling around august since I had not heard from anyone and assumed she wanted her space. I randomly checked the blog today and had absolutely no idea she passed. I am so sorry and completely heartbroken to see that. Although I only met her three times and talked to her on the phone twice. She has made such an impact on my life and is a hero in my eyes. I just needed to let you and your family know that she will always be with me and I am of course here if you need anything at all. Thank you.
Stephanie Slupski

Anonymous said...

Jake-I'm sure what you are going through is very normal. We are still checking out the blog and want you to know that we care very much for you and the boys. You are in our thoughts & prayers daily!

Let Lon know when you are ready for a game of basketball. I know it has always been his therapy.

Melissa

Oso Polar said...

I still haven't found a way to put things into words, but your words are helping me in ways I didn't expect.

Just keep trying to take that next step, she will never be forgotten and will always be loved.

Myra said...

Jake,
We all feel a void in our lives and hearts. Your writing not only helps you to heal but all of us too. I too have times the tears flow. We don't have the answers and nor will we ever. But please know that it will take all of us to lean on each other to make it through this difficult time. The girls and I have let balloon go this week as our own mail system to Hope. Each time I watch that balloon float away until it is a tiny dot. I think each time that the message we put on the ballon would somehow reach Hope.
The only comfort is that Hope has no more pain, fear of c, and no more sufering.
Love to the Wise men.
Aunt Myra

Trish Scholer LeBouef said...

Jake,

When you're ready, reach out, there's family and friends to help you through this. But like you said, you have to find your own way of dealing with the hurt. No one has the catch all solution.

In times of hardship, I remember just trying to get through the next hour, let alone 24. Hour by hour, I struggled as you did.

I've thought a lot about you all over the past weeks. You've made an impact in my life, years ago when your challenges started, and more so today.

You always hear this from others, so I'll become the cliche now, it will get better as you work through it. You'll find your own way for you and the boys and you WILL be better for it.

Hugs, kisses, prayers - Trish

Jessica Long said...

Jake,
You continuing this blog is therapy - for you and for all of us out here reading. You are going through so much and there are no easy answers / solutions (unfortunately). But you will get through this. The love that you and Hope have will help to give you strength. You have so many people out here cheering you on and wishing we could do anything to make it all better. Just know we love you. All you can do is one day at a time. All 3 of you Wise men will get through this. Hope would not have it any other way. - Jessica