Group Therapy

I tried group therapy yesterday for the first time. Of course I got there late so they had already started. I would say the average age had 30 years on me, most of their kids are older than me. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I was hoping to latch onto a single rich widow to be my sugarmama so I could retire and just take care of the kids. I rated my feelings on a 1-10 with 10 being the worst (that threw me off a bit --- that's like trying not to eat dots in Ms. Pacman, you guys out there know what I'm talking about, right? Right?) and at the time I was feeling pretty good so I put a 1. I listened to folks that have lost their loved ones for many years now struggle with every day still (I did relate to them though, I remember when 90210 went off the air and all I had was my memories of Brendan Walsh --- and of course reruns).

One woman that just lost her parents has spent 20 years caring for them and has no friends, kids, boyfriend, etc. Her whole life was caring for her parents and is now lost with no meaning in her life since they passed. She said they were her kids. That one really got to me. They asked me to tell my story and I did the Reader's Digest version (that's an old magazine for those of you under 30, oh and a magazine is a periodical like a newspaper that is delivered to the house similar to your mail, oh and a newspaper is black and white print with pictures and news in it typically delivered daily, oh and mail is envelopes with letters and packages that use stamps, oh and letters are...how far away are we from mail, newspapers, magazines, stamps, pencils, etc. from going extinct?) in about 30 seconds. I really just wanted to listen.

For the most part I just listened after that. I hate to say this so I don't jinx myself, but I did feel like I was already doing better then most of them that spoke. Not that I don't miss Hope all the time but I did had a lot of time to try and prepare myself and I know the hard part is not even close to over. However, I just feel like with the boys and so much love and support from all of you I'm getting into a better place already. Tomorrow I might have my sweatpants back on with the string still not fixed but that's how I'm feeling right now. I have felt good the last 2 days, it's a good feeling to feel good about feeling good (Anna is now banging her head against the desk). The group therapy actually depressed me some and made me feel worse so I won't be going back.

I got all my bills paid on Monday as I didn't even go to the office to make sure it was done. I worked on them from about 9:30 AM to 5:30 PM straight (along with handling a few work items) before I finally finished. I was so proud of myself that I walked straight out to the mailbox to put my envelopes out for mailing when I found two more damn bills. I haven't opened up them yet so I think I'll let them sit until May this time. It was a huge relief, like when Oprah cuts those two extra holes at the end of her belt or connects the second one on nickel wing night (ahh that felt good, I haven't done a fat Oprah joke in many blogs --- it's not as much fun because I don't get to see Hope get mad at me but I know she's right here getting angry with me).

I've also started doing a couple of things around the house for the first time since Hope passed. I changed the DVR to stop recording her shows for the first time so no more Oprah, HGTV, or Tori Spelling (do they just give every B star their own show nowadays --- and this is me making fun of a 90210 star?) on our cable box. I replaced them with Spongebob and porn, both for me but I might share Spongebob with the boys. They'll have to sneak the porn like we had to growing up which by the way seems much easier now with the internet. We used to hide magazines in trees and under rocks to try and keep them dry when it rained and snowed. If anyone knows the kids that live at 29 School Street in Westboro, MA, I can tell them where to go. I'll bet it's still there. I also started putting a towel on Hope's rack, and moved the stool in front of her sink so the kids can use it. I moved the remote in the bedroom on my side of the bed, and I did all of this just this week.

We switched insurance on 1 March so I think I'm going to look at my options for one-on-one therapy. A lot of friends have said it's really helped them through issues in the past (I think letting people read about my feelings on the blog have helped others open up and feel better about talking about their problems --- we all have them, try to let friends help you get through them). I know it can't hurt so I think I'm going to give the mono y mono therapy a try. I found out a friend that I thought had a perfect marriage has been going through a separation. We've been talking and in some strange ways my situation is actually easier than hers. I grew up with a single mom through all my formulative years (no you can't blame my personality on that) so I do know divorce from personal experience and it's difficult. She is an amazing woman in my experience and I found it hard to believe she could lose confidence in herself but I can see how that would happen when all of a sudden everything changes. Stay strong my friend, I'll be here faking it too.

We're having a big Mardi Gras party here on Saturday with tons of kids decorating masks, sugar cookies, grilling out, virgin hurricanes, and then a few adult imbibements (I don't think that's a word). It was a friend's idea and I think it will be a blast for everyone. I (I hate that I now have to say I and not we when it comes to making decisions) decided to go up to NC in April to see Will/Anna and their short people mooching off them. The kids will have a blast and we'll even get to Hope's half-sister's wedding in Williamsburg, VA. For those of you that don't know, Hope has 7 brothers and half-brothers/sisters. I hope no one is offended but I won't be keeping up with all your birthdays, anniversaries, and pending graduations. I can barely keep up with my kids' schedules right now. Just because Group Therapy wasn't for me dealing with Hope's death, I do have a few group therapy sessions I'll be starting up and will need some volunteers:

• There hasn't been a Saved by the Bell Reunion in 10 years, what happened to Kelli Kapowski?
• The new Knight Rider is already off the air because they forgot the biggest star is the Hoff and not the talking tinker toy
• Is the porn name Buck Naked copyrighted for George Constanza only?
• Milli Vanilli vs. Vanilla Ice vs. MC Hammer, which one truly has stolen the most songs and become famous more famous simply by dressing and looking goofy --- can I still get the Hammer pants?

I'll be scheduling on-line sessions and of course you can always come here in your Hoff Members Only black jacket, Vanilla Ice buzz cut, and Hammer pants to be with me every Saturday night. Happy healing to all...