Friday, March 27, 2009

Finding the Old Me

I've complained at times about not feeling like me anymore. Of course I have to evolve into a new routine, new priorities, some new friends as time and the single life evolves (no offense but I can already tell some married friends act differently but that's only natural), hard feelings at times, but most importantly finding the positive out of each moment. I think I'm doing a really great job of the latter, almost too good at times. I feel guilty sometimes I'm not more upset and that I'm enjoying things so much. I feel like the old me is slowly coming back, getting back into the work I love and feeling like a human being again. There are two friends recently that have helped me beyond explanation, and for that I will be forever grateful. They help me not feel guilty, enjoy the moment more, and give me HOPE for the future to be bright again. I suck up anything positive, and anyone that knows me I'm always looking at the positive. I'm no Richard Simmons but I think I can fill out his short shorts and who doesn't love a fro on an old goofy white guy.

We are hopefully in the worst economic times any of us will ever know, yet my business is hanging in there and to date I have not cut one person or slashed salaries yet. I owe so much to everyone I work with for putting up with me, working so hard when I wasn't around much, and for just stepping up when my family needed it the most. I never had to ask, they just did it. I will always be grateful and hanging in as long as possible for them is the least I can do. It's been a while since I last blogged, and that's only because we've been so busy. Between soccer, friends, work, school, and different events we've been slammed. Just since the last blog we've gone to a new dinosaur store grand opening which the kids loved, had a camp out sleep over at a friends in a tent, went to a Magic game against the Celtics with some sweet seats, worked, soccered (I know it's not a real word), wiped noses and bums (with different wipes by the way), cooked, cleaned, organized, drank, hot tubbed, relaxed even a bit, baseballed (Spring Training), are going to an amazing air show this weekend with VIP passes thanks to Shelby, and made plans to get out of town for a Hope's half-sister's wedding next weekend while we stay at Will and Anna's. Anna left me the sweetest voicemail ever the other night, it's one I've saved and will forever remember.

I lost my credit card at the Magic Game and a bet that I owe two cases of beer on trying to determine if the person sitting one seat away was male or female. I lost, Erica was her name and there's no way I could have come up with that one. Not a good basketball night as KG got hurt again, the C's lost, but at least it was an exhilerating game. I've never been one very good at stopping but that night I think we were in our hotel rooms sleeping by 1 AM. I can't remember the last time that happened when I didn't have to get to bed. Since Brendan Walsh wasn't there to take my keys we crashed at a nearby hotel. By the way, a good tip when you're negotiating for a romm 2 minutes before you plan to use it make a disgusted face when they tell you the price, see if there's anything they can do, and before you know it I saved us $60. I'm not retiring but it meant another trip back to the bar.

I've seen absolutely zero of the college tournament and that's my favorite playoff of all time because we've been so busy. I have not watched any TV in probably a month, literally. At night now I just listen to music, work some, get the kids ready for the next day, and usually talk on the phone with friends/family. I really do feel like myself again a lot, and for that I'm thankful. I think some friends have pulled it out of me, and for that I will be forever grateful. My mom is in Ecuador right now, and I worry about her. She goes on these types of trips at least once a year now and they always worry me. 10 days without contact and hopefully she'll come back chewing cocoa leaves feeling no pain. I think that's exactly what she tried to keep us from doing as teenagers and now she's traveling the world to do it. Go figure. Maybe she'll bring some back for me this time, my mom the dealer.

We had some friends over tonight and it was fun as always. For some reason I was really bummed out and lonely when everyone left, but not for too long. The boys are doing great, I have found a new source of happiness, and we are settling a bit into a new routine. I have my first appointment on Wed morning and I'm paying out of pocket but seeing the same psycho that Hope did. I sat in on 2 sessions so she knows me a bit, but more importantly she knew Hope. She even agreed to read my blogs before the session so she can know that much more about me. I told her I would give her 1 or 2 sessions and if I'm not cured I'm out of there. Of course I was just kidding, I'm in it for the long haul. The friend that talked me into doing it the most has been doing so for almost 5 years so I know it's not a sprint but a marathon (normally we just want everything instantly but I'm not going to set myself up for failure).

After we get back from NC, the kids will have Spring Break. We've talked to a lot of friends about getting together so I think it will be fun. I hope to sneak off from work to spend more time with the boys but we'll see how that goes immediately following a trip. You just have to take what you can get right now because it's so tough out there. I remember when I first started the business, I would call Hope every time I just got a call to send in a proposal. Then I would go nuts over the smallest job. Then when things went crazy I would throw signed contracts down on our office manager's desk and say dammit we got another one. Now we're back to the celebrating every opportunity, and rejoicing when they work out. Getting actually paid is another issue, but I'm going to stay positive. I feel like Rosco Peco Train sometimes as we seem to do all the work but Boss Hogg just never lets any of that money go. Dukes of Hazzard can represent any part of our lives, right??? The only thing in my childhood more disappointing then the 1 season they had the cousins Coy and Vance (I had to look up Vance but I remembered Coy's name) pretend to be Luke and Bo was seeing Daisy on the reunion show. Some things are just meant to not grow old, like Bart Simpson or Kelly Kapowski.

I've been looking everywhere for the old me, and I found me just where I left me. That's right here, I haven't changed too much but there are definitely some differences. There is now only 1 priority, my boys, and everything else comes next. Welcome back old Jake, I missed you. I'm sure everyone else enjoyed you not being around but too bad. I'm back for good dammit!


rach said...

I am so happy reading this right now! So happy for you, for the boys and for your future. Everyone does things in their own time, and you are doing fantastic. I am so happy for you...soooo happy!
Keep up the positive is what Hope wants for you and the boys!
the grass is getting green, plants are poking through the ground..Spring is here!!

Pam Anderson said...

Yesssss! This is such great news Jake! I am so very happy for you and the boys. You guys are finding your groove in the adventure called "life"! That is nothing to feel guilty about and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Have a great time at the wedding. I'm sure there will be a few bittersweet moments but they will be okay. Awesome news about your business and I hope the good fortune continues!

Anna said...

hiccup, love you, hiccup

Anonymous said...

His character name was Roscoe P. Coltrane.

Anonymous said...

I am reading your blog for the first time tonight after randomly stumbling upon it through a google search of someone else. I went to highschool with you and Hope and I heard about Hope's passing just last month. I wanted to say thank you for sharing your feelings and your story. Over the past few hours, I have laughed out loud several times and cried even more. I couldn't stop reading (trust me, it's 1:30 a.m. and I can't remember the last time I was up this late on a Saturday night...pretty exciting, I know!) and wanted to let you know that you are touching people everywhere with your openess about this journey. I'm not sure what your profession is, although I have deduced it has something to do with engineering (that MI High education didn't go to waste), but I wanted to suggest that you look into writing a book about your experience or getting your blogs published. You have a knack for expressing yourself through your words. You and your boys will be in my thoughts. Keep up the good work with them and with yourself!!
Marci (Nace) Britt

Anonymous said...

Hi Jake,
Not to be a blog hog but I have been thinking so much about your family and I wanted to add 1 more comment. I think what you are doing here is such a beautiful tribute to Hope and the life you have with your family. While I read, I can feel your love pouring out and I am swallowed by your grief. Thank you for sharing so much about Hope and your family. Stay strong and keep up the hope that you will survive this for yourself and for your boys!

Anonymous said...

Great to hear your spirits being lifted! Your boys are so special and every time I read your blog I shed a few tears but also crack up laughing. Hope you have a great trip up here in NC. Should be good weather for you. I know you will be busy but if you have down time in Chapel Hill give me a ring or e-mail. Take Care, Ashley

Myra said...

So glad to hear you are doing better. Everyone has to deal with grief in their on way and time. You are doing wonderful.

I love to read your blogs. I can't read them with a dry eye but love to read about your love for Hope and the boys. And now how you are recovering. We all know that Hope would be kicking your butt if you did not get on with your life with the boys.

Love to you and the boys.

You could stop in SC on your trip to NC.