Lonely

If you read my last blog you would see we were under siege from family, friends, and hospice help over the holidays and the weeks leading up to them with more love and support than we could have ever imagined. Now everyone has had to go back to their own homes as school and work starts up for so many and Hope had to go back to hospice for good on Christmas eve. She will never sleep in her bed, call for me from the back bedroom, or watch a TV show with both boys cuddled up with her again as she loved so much and I enjoyed being a part of. She has steadily declined at hospice with temps over 105 degrees, bed sores, apnea where she stops breathing at times, all bowel movements have ceased eliminating use of the stomach tube, and basically just total shutdown of the human body.

However being the warrior she is, she is still hanging in there as I just left the hospital a bit earlier tonight. I and many others have asked her to move on selfishly but she needs to decide when it's time. Since we started asking her to move on I have seen just through her still being around some miracles such as her mom, brother, both sister-in-laws, her dad, and others including two of her best friends coming around to being at peace with her imminent passing. I told her tonight that I now understand why she has hung on so long and that this was her one last selfless act to everyone that loves her. I told her how everyone is now at peace and when she's ready she has already done more to repair broken relationships with family and friends then the best ever Oprah show by simply hanging on so long.

Both boys told me yesterday they did not want to visit Mommy anymore. While that saddened me deeply, when I saw her today I realized that was the best possible decision and that my children are smarter than me on this one. Although Reese did ask if we could go to the hospital to the potato chip machine and then come home. I often cry in front of the kids and with them so they know it's okay. Nathan often asks if I'm sad and I'm always honest with him about how I'm feeling at that moment. He always says the same thing, "I can tell Daddy." Thanks to Hope, we have two amazingingly (probably not a word, sorry Anna and Tina) sensitive and well-behaved boys that want nothing more than to please their parent(s) (I hate that I typed it that way).

We never use the past tense with Mommy, I still keep the TV remote on her night stand, I still put my towel on the far towel rack, I still sleep on my side of the bed, and I just finished a load of laundry from the hospital with her underwear, bras, pajamas, etc. that I put away like it was just another load of laundry. Everything is different, yet I'm trying to keep it the same. It's indescribable how to explain what a broken heart feels like, but it's sort of like being numb, drunk, a little sick all the time, food doesn't taste good, and you feel dumb about everything. You shake loose of it for brief moments, but they are very brief. You do laugh sometimes but feel guilty when you do so, you feel like you should be with her for every breath, but after doing so for 5 weeks you somehow know it's better to be with your children instead. You know you don't have to be there for the final breath, but want to so badly. You feel guilty for not crying more, but when you do all you want is to stop.

And then you hear your child's voice, a cry for help to transform a new toy (that was for you Jamie), a request for white milk and chocolate milk with way too much chocolate milk, or just look through your clouded, red contacts into your childs' desperate eyes and you realize why you were spared but never can understand why Hope wasn't. I received more e-mails, phone calls, holiday cards, and had more conversations with family/friends that love Hope telling me they are and have been praying for Hope and our family. While I appreciate all the love and support, and I strongly feel that no matter what the format any positive thoughts are helpful, if there was a divine, just being listening and responding to all prayers there is no way we would be in this ultimate outcome. I do believe in heaven, that God created life, I believe in karma, but I also now believe in the chaos theory in that no matter how good of a life you lead (and there was no more pure and helpful soul than Hope's) you might not be blessed enough no matter how much positive prayer, vibrations, or karma you receive/give to be spared by the wrath of cancer. If God created life, did God create cancer, AIDS, the bird flu, deformed or under-developed children, the Yankees, Dolphins and Lakers, or are those just side effects created by man for being impure?

Is it because I have not attended church for almost the 1900th week of my life as of today, or is it that even if you attended 5000 services you still might not understand it? I have no idea what kind of response I'll receive to this blog, but please just look at yourself internally and make sure that no matter if you do or don't pray, do or don't go to church, do or don't give to charities, that you look inside and make sure you have no regrets. The only thing I know for sure is that Hope had none, she lead the most pure and godlike life of anyone I have ever known and still suffered the most unkind and inpure injustices.

Please don't condemn me for these questions and thoughts, just look internally at your own and make sure you are taking care of what's most important. Does that better house, fancy meal, spotless floor, or other eccentricity even matter, or does just knowing deep down you spent the best of your time on earth helping, loving, healing, being positive, and most importantly unconditionally loving children matter the most? Hope has zero regrets!!! I'm sorry this one turned sermony (probably not a word either), but because I've heard so few of them in my time I guess I felt like I should try my turn at one. I am lonely since the kids are at my Mom's tonight and instead of catching up on 6 week old bills I am blogging and apparently feeling sorry for myself and mankind (and womankind --- that was for you Mom) in general. Yes, I'm lonely but according to everything that's right I should not have to be.

I tell everyone that I talk to how lucky I feel, even through all of this. My children are healthy and happy for the most part, I have amazing friends/family that would do anything to support us, and I am okay with not understanding the big picture. I can admit that, ask questions, and hopefully not alienate the ones I love and the ones that love Hope. Hope is the purest emotion I can imagine, and the most fitting description for my wife. While I anticipate at any moment receiving a phone call that Hope the person will no longer be with us, I know that Hope the purest emotion will not be going anywhere in this family. I love you Hope, go to God when you're ready and please put in a good word for me as I may need it.

- Just Jake.