Monday, June 28, 2010

There is no God...

I can say that with all conviction and know I'm right. Please explain to me how I'm wrong if you can. Now I don't believe there wasn't a God that created life but I don't believe there is a God that listens to prayers, controls your life with destiny like Hope believed, or has any interference with day to day or major life moments. You make your own way and good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people, and we all live in chaos trying to control our environment but every once in a while you get that "HOLY SHIT!!!" moment that reminds you how small you are. I know this because my 17-year old nephew just died suddenly in a single car accident (my old car) while driving from Knoxville to Florida to visit us and see some college campuses with his best friend. He didn't drink, do drugs, and was one of the coolest kids you could ever meet. I love Adam with all my heart and know that Hope is his heaven mama now taking care of him and his best friend. I got home a week ago after spending two weeks in Knoxville taking care of my brother, my best friend, and his youngest son Connor. My boys were right there with me for much of the time, 5 wisemen in one house but still one short of the perfect six-pack like our Christmas trip last December.

I love you Adam and when I spoke at your life celebration I meant every word of learning more about life and love over the previous two weeks through your and Justine's death than I did through my entire ordeal of losing Hope. Losing your wife after 7 years of battling cancer is one thing, losing your child in an instant at the peak of his life is so cruel and no just God could do that or have any reasoning for it. No way! Now I'm not mad, I just once again for the most horrifying reasons possible have so much more respect for life and how fragile it all is. I am so lucky, Nathan and Reese are amazing and I have so much to be grateful for. We all do, and I've researched enough about death to know that Hope and Adam are in a better place. Adam's younger brother Connor put it best when he said that he was glad his brother passed away with his best friend so they could be together. Leave it up to an 11-year old to put it all in perspective helping the adults cope with this loss. The whole ordeal has been overwhelming and is bringing back a flood of memories I had buried and hoped would never resurface. As I watch my brother go through similar pains as I did you just want to find a way to take it away but there isn't any.

I talked with a minister that was a former attorney of all things and he discussed with me 37 patients that passed away but were revived by doctors. Every one but one wanted to go back and described a beautiful light and peacefulness. The only one that didn't want to go back was abused by her mom and she saw her mom as she was passing on. That just reassures me I'll be back with Hope one day and my nephew too. I can't wait to be with my Grammy and Gramp as well, if you are a frequent flyer of past blogs you know they were like my other parents growing up and I think of them and miss them every day.

I haven't blogged in a long time because we have been so busy and I wasn't feeling the need all the time like I used to. I do love it so and think it will become routine again especially in light of recent events. We have 3 family reunions upcoming that I'm so excited about and my brother and nephew will be there for the last one. Thanks Broseph, we all couldn't be more excited that despite everything you are still making the trip. It will be only the second time I'll be back with my brother, step-brother, step-sister, and parents all at one locale since we moved out of the house so many years ago. My parents won't admit it now but they were dying for us to move out. I could go on for pages about the exploits and things we did to each other with four kids all in high school together within 3 years. A couple of my faves quickly was throwing my sister in the canal, competitive eating not only at home but also the very few times we went out to eat at the buffet restaurant Quincy's (my brothers used to compete who could drink the most too and the poor waitress would just keep bringing pitchers over), the horrible nicknames we gave each other and things we said just to get a rise, waking Kurt up by flicking his nose because he was such a heavy sleeper/passed out, and finally laundry. My mom gave up early on doing everyone's laundry and we had a handy side door on the garage. If you left your stuff in the washer or dryer and someone else was ready to do there's you would find your clothes on the side lawn and start over. Most other stories are not blog appropriate and whenever we start telling them my parents start blocking their ears and going LA, LA, LA, LA at the top of their lungs because they just don't want to know.

I can tell you I was never one to sleep much so sneaking out was routine, almost daily in the summers, and man you can get into a lot of trouble as a teenager out at 3 AM bored out of your mind. We used to move for sale signs and mail boxes from yard to yard including into different subdivisions. I always loved the thought of a husband waking up in the morning, honey did you put the house up for sale??? We toilet papered (TP'd) more than I can remember, but one of my faves was Janeen's house when she had Alane sleep over who I liked. The next morning we helped them clean up for some reason and then they cooked us breakfast. Another time they got us back and with shaving cream wrote Shadow is an ugly mutt on our sidewalk that stained into it and could be read for years. Now anyone that knew me back then knew I loved our dog Shadow more than any human. And oh yeah thanks Rochelle for always having girls I liked spend the night so I could be shot down by them. Hope had a hole in the screen of her window for us to touch fingers on the nights she couldn't let me in the back door. Her mom knew I was ther some times and never kicked me out. We were just watching TV as teenagers do, nothing more...Flipping a car, having police chase us, being approached by prostitutes, chased by dogs, tackle walking which defies explanation, having a gun pulled, and so much more that were things my nephew never did. Adam should be upstairs sleeping or drawing on his wall right now in my brother's house. There is no fucking way he shouldn't still be with us.

I went back and read my last blog from months ago so here's a quick recap since then:
  • We were successful in keeping the kids at their school after many public hearings, some political motivation, and way too many friends and families dispersed unnecessarily by bad choices by well intentioned school board members.
  • Both boys played soccer in the Spring and I coached both teams with more fun and new friends then is describable (I just signed both boys up for Fall too).
  • Natedog is playing basketball now and I'm coaching that team too, we are 2-0-1 with three barn burner of games. Nathan loves basketball most of all.
  • Both boys had amazing school years, Nathan loves to read, Reese is way ahead in his writing and reading skills thanks to the greatest teacher and nanny I could imagine, and both boys are about a head taller than any of their friends. Nathan is within a half inch of his 11 year old cousin Connor at only 8 years old, and they now share the same hair cut. While in Knoxville I shaved both of them and they love it! So now I am sunblocking their heads. Without my boys I would have no purpose, they are my everything which just makes me so much sadder for my brother...
  • Work is slow but relatively steady. I am able to spend much more time with the boys and am able to date to keep my staff together who are all dear friends and so much more than employees. It will kill me to have to make a change, I'm doing everything humanly possible including losing a lot of money to keep that going but it's just not about the bottom line in these times. If they read this I hope they know how hard I'm trying to keep all of us together as a family. I feel so lucky to be in the position we are during the toughest of times.
  • The Red Sox after a tough start are right back in the mix and beat the Rays last night, the Celtics made it to game 7 of the Finals and I got to go to the new Boston Garden for the first time ever to see series clinching game 6 against the Magic thanks to Jim and Jacie, the Noles got a new coach, and the Pats look prime for another run this year.
  • I stopped my psycho appointments but now Nathan is going to see her (remember Hope used to see her before me). He loves it and I couldn't be happier for him. I think some times after what happend with Adam I should go back, but we'll see how the blog helps for now. Kelly I love you for how you've helped my family and will never be able to thank you enough.
  • I am still half gay or at least comfortable taking over Hope's motherly duties including loving cooking, taking care of my plants/flowers, love my orgasmic kitchen mat, love my candles and was even telling a friend just today about trimming the wick to keep the glass from getting so black, bought new curtain holders, new area rugs, and am now thinking of replanting a garden in our yard.

The boys and I laugh all the time, and have been inspired by my brother in so many ways over the two weeks we stayed with him. The boys will draw on their walls when they are ready, they will try to make a stranger laugh or smile every day (I have this goal in every meeting/conference call I attend to make sure my client laughs at least once and with some of you it's difficult, you take things so seriously all the time), they will not take themselves too seriously from clothes to grades to music (if it feels good do it as long as you are not hurting anyone), and they will be wary of the Wise curse. Kurt told Adam a couple of years ago about the Wise curse. Son he said, you have the Wise curse just like your ancestors before you. Chicks dig us and there's nothing you can do about it. Kurt forgot about the talk and about a year later Adam came back to him and said Dad you were right about the curse! Unfortunately for me it seems to only be effective in TN, although my boys are showing some signs of early success in FLA.

One more quick story and then I'll let the two people that are still reading this off the hook. We were bragging one day about skills we had taught our kids. One guy was talking about his son shooting a gun and all I could think about was Full Metal Jacket when they were putting together their guns in the dark and Gomer Pyle had that psycho look on his face like me back in the day picking up my laundry from the side yard after it rained. I told my friends that since we have enough hurricanes my boys have learned to tap a keg and open a bottle of wine for daddy in the dark in case the power is out. These are important life skills and Hope is so proud of me. If you want to nominate me for parent of the year I'll send you the application. Of course it was just a joke, but Adam and Justine taught me once again not to take life too seriously over the last two weeks. I love you brother and wish I could take the pain away but know it will take years. One day at a time as Rachel helped me learn. I'm not mad at God, God created life and gave me the opportunity to have my boys and to be with and love Hope for as long as I did. I just know he (or she --- that was for you Mom) is not up there listening to every prayer and picking and choosing each person's destiny. However I also believe anything positive in someone's life is good, so if you truly believe prayer or eating nachos is positive in your life, then it will help you. I'm starving so maybe some nachos will make it all better right now. I love you Adam, Hope take care of our nephew. I know I'll see you in the future...

7 comments:

J said...

I'm so sorry about your nephew. Unreal...


On a happier note, I love your description of you as Pyle from FMJ. Great imagery.

Anonymous said...

As I sit here playing with my beautiful baby girl, I know the pain your family is going through is indescribable. I am so sorry. No parent should ever have to deal with the loss of a child. You are all in my thoughts, and I'm sending big hugs and raspberry kisses from Kate your way.

On a lighter note, boy you made me laugh thinking about the "flipping the car" incident. And to think we were the honor students! Hee hee

I agree with you that I just take each day as it comes and am thankful for the blessings that I have in my life, and I try not to dwell on the hardships. I believe it was the great 1980s philosopher Thomas Dolby who said "Things can only get better."

Love ya,
Alison

Anonymous said...

Jake, you, Nathan and Reese are a very precious part of many people's lives.......thank you! ALWAYS know that you have a huge safety net of souls that love y'all!!!

Anna said...

Thanks for finishing this blog. When I was a kid I thought that when you grew up you learned that there was nothing scary in the dark, then I had kids and I have been terrified ever since. Maybe not of the dark, but of life.

I'm just trying to take a deep breath and enjoy.

Anna Knowles said...

I'm so sorry about your nephew, really, so sorry.

New Beginnings said...

Jake,

It was so nice having you tonight at our meeting. I just finished this blog and you are such a reat writer and I love how you don't hold back and say it like it is. Again, I am so sorry about your nephew. It sounds as if you have a good handle on things and you are taking care of your sons as any good dad would, beer keg and all :) Hope WOULD be proud of you.

chrys francisco said...

I am from the Philippines and I am still amazed that I happen to click this page and read your blog.

I can feel the way you feel. I can understand lost for I have been there. I have not lost anyone, but I have experienced being there to the cliff of losing myself. The hospital, the last view of the Doctor's faces before you close your eyes, the moment of not knowing when would be your last breath... all images come back to me as I read your post.

My heart breaks when you questioned God. I too, did it and I know many of us have. But you know what? I have realized that life is not what we see it is. There are so much things happening outside of our participation. When you are growing, your other half, God is molding him to be who he is right now for you. He has you in his mind while he is teaching him to be a loving partner.

You've lost a very important person in your life. It pains you but how can you be so sure that he is not happier today? He is with God and looking at you.

There are so many questions in your mind right now but it will all end. For the good things and the bad ones, he is making you who you are and he is making that altogether to other people that are meant to cross your path someday.

I hope you regain your faith in Him for I know he is waiting for his daughter.

I am several miles away from you. i am so happy that I come up to here to learn your circumstance. You are hundred times in better position than most of us here. I hope you find your peace and your answers.

I hope you find your happiness.

Your honestly in the post inspired me. Thank you so much.