Lonely

So here I sit, boys just tucked in, plants all around me trying to keep them out of the cold, wanting to avoid bills, listening to a new double CD of Michael Jackson called This is It that's excellent, followed by 10,000 Maniacs Live, a double live CD of Sister Hazel, and probably my all-time favorite album (damn I'm old I still call them albums! --- that would be like my kids calling them VHS or Atari) Counting Crows August and Everything After. Isn't everything after August the best time of year anyway? I think so as that's when the heat starts to let up here and right now a little heat wouldn't hurt. We are in the midst of the longest cold snap I can ever remember in my 25 years of living in FLA (It's funny because I still say I'm from New England even though it's been over a quarter century since I lived there --- maybe it's because except for the Noles that's where all my sports allegiances lie or because most of my family still lives there) and tonight is supposed to be the coldest night of the year. The Pats were absolutely crushed today by a much better Ravens team. I hate to say it but I think the dynasty is coming to an end. We have the wrong mix of young and old right now and Wes Welker getting hurt was the final blow.

This is always the toughest part of every day. Sitting alone in the quiet except for Michael singing. I often get on the phone and talk to some friends/relatives to not feel so lonely, get things done from work to the house to bills (still avoiding because this blog is so much more important right now). I still almost never watch TV except for a few big sporting events so it's not like that's filling a void. The only TV shows I try not to miss are House and the Office. Family Guy is another favorite but I just don't seem to catch it as often as I'd like. I wish so much I could be like Hugh Laurie at work but that just doesn't seem to work for anyone but him. I'm thinking about picking up the cane and old school Nikes though. I know one of my top goals needs to be comfortable by myself and I think I've made huge strides. Hope used to tease me that I couldn't be alone with myself because even if I was in the car I'd be on the phone with her or someone. I actually enjoy now listening to the radio or CD's again instead of always being on the phone in the car. I just have this lonely feeling in my gut too often at night right now.

Some nights I have a couple/few glasses of wine and that seems to make it feel better, but I've been cutting way back on that lately. Self medicating is not the answer as much as it feels good. Someone I consider a very good friend even though I have a hard telling them that gave me a book called Post Secret - Confessions on Life, Death, and God. It is a collection of secrets revealed anonymously about life, death and god. My friend thought it could really help me relate to others. I've always tried to do the same with this blog, just put myself out there with the honest raw hard feelings I have. Some times I feel great, other times the blog is the only thing getting me through moment. I have a bottle of champagne sitting in my fridge right now left over from New Year's, so I'm waiting for the right moment to open it. But how sad is it to open it alone.? I thought about doing so 366 days after Hope's passing but by myself??? That adds to the loneliness, even the little things you want to share with someone.

Don't get me wrong, I love my boys and share everything with them. It's just that certain things are for taller people and I probably should cut back on the amount of alcohol they're drinking. My mom was single for 9 years, I'm not sure I can handle that. Nathan would be 16 and Reese 13, probably neither one of them excited about spending a lot of time with me at those ages. Right now they say things like, Dad did you know you are a superstud? Something tells me that will diminish in the future. I just read a friend's philosophy on teaching and it knocked my socks off. The passion you could feel in the writing about something that is honestly boring to most really got to me. The dedication she felt just oozed out of the essay like the Festivus episode on Seinfeld where they aired out grievances and showed feats of strength (Festivus for the rest of us was the line I remember best). I'm just not feeling that way about much anymore like I used to except of course the boys. I have my moments, but they are not sustained like they used to be.

It's been a while but I used to always ask for my old self back. I have me in spurts and feel so much more clear headed now I think I can find that inner drive when I need it but it's just not there as much as it used to be. Maybe I'm more drained becuase I am taking so much more on right now (that's what my psycho tells me --- for example I just don't get to come home once in a while and not tuck the boys in, or not cook dinner, or not do homework, or just take 10 minutes for myself until they're in bed). It's probably a combo and the size of my corpus callosum killing me right now as I want to figure it out. I find myself when at home checking e-mail or texts all the time when I'm even in the middle of something. In the past I would have been annoyed by such things but now I feel like I'm desperately seeking some interaction with others. It makes me sad that I'm not at the point yet hanging by myself is satisfying (don't get me wrong sometimes it is --- yeah I couldn't leave that one alone or myself for that matter --- damn there I go again) but maybe I won't. Either way I know I'm one lucky MF'er (that's old school not text shorthand) to have of course the boys but also so many loved ones be that friends or family. Sometimes my heart just flutters kind of like when you go over a steep hill or hit that drop on a rollercoaster when I think about the friends, family, teachers, etc. that are part of our lives. Other times are like, well like right now.

There's even a few of you out there that still read my painfully long blogs and then of course wish you could get the last 15 minutes of your life back. I love my boys, I love my friends and family, and I know I'm so lucky to have the life I have. Hopefully at some point I'll find someone to share it with. Maybe I have and I just don't realize they're it yet. I'm not always the fastest on the uptake. Well I was hoping to keep this blog shorter so I'll close with a couple of boy updates.

Natedog won his first basketball game 10-2 (almost a shutout) and the kids had an absolute blast most importantly. We've got 9 kids (5 play at a time) but they all had so much fun and were great. We may make a run this year, we've got an incredible team from what I can tell. Of course it all comes down to coaching (I wish, we've just got great kids!). I also just signed both boys up for spring soccer ($193 combined and signed up to coach both). I can't believe I'm going to try and do this again but I love coaching them so much I'll punish myself again with an impossible schedule. That should stave off some loneliness. I'm going to go pay bills and read others secrets about life, death and God. The first example I read was "I am a Southern Baptist Pastor's Wife. No one knows I don't believe in God." At least if I do find Ms. Right I won't be able to keep any secrets from her because it's all on the blog.

I e-mailed some friends this weekend two Jake Genius ideas of the day and it seemed to fall flat but I'll share them here right now anyway. I think I've blogged before about my idea for a restaurant where everything is served on a stick. I think it's genius and will take off. Burger King is now copying my idea with funnel cake on a stick. I'll have to add that to my menu but in the meantime just think about the possibilities. How much fun would spaghetti be on a stick, or healthier fare like bacon wrapped fried hot dogs which I hear is all the rave with rednecks right now. Eating off a stick just takes you back to your childhood and being a caveman or cavewoman or caveperson (I'll bet they never had to correct themselves back in their day). Who doesn't love that big freaking turkey leg you get for like $9 dollars at the fair? BTW for dinner tonight because we had a late lunch while watching the Pats gets stomped the boys both had two bananas each and popcorn. When putting my name on the father of the year plaque please use my middle name "is" (one more BTW was that I actually went through a short period when Hope was pregnant with Natedog that I wanted his middle name to be is, how cool would that have been? --- at least he would learn to fight at a young age).

My second idea is to play board games with squishies. You can play Sorry, Monopoly, Pachisi, Life, you name it with squishies (if you don't know what they are you don't have young children obviously --- they are basically little pencil topper animals that squish in your hands and my children have hundreds of them at $0.25 each). They don't play video games anymore at restaurants arcades, only the damn squishies. Andrea must have fed my kids $5 each this weekend because I keep finding them in crevices everywhere (not mine for the record, around the house silly). Alright this blog is long too, sorry about that Will. At least I'm not feeling lonely right now, but I am feeling like some flipsides or hummus along with that glass of grape juice I had avoided until now. Hope's been gone 368 days (but who's counting) and by the way my alarm has not acted up again since her 1 year anniversary night with virtually the same weather conditions every night. Nolan good luck with your surgery tomorrow on your arm, I can't wait for your sister to get here at 5:30 AM. It's the least I can do, your mom helped me more times then I could ever repay. I love you Roo, and Ann-Marie you too (note the correct spelling of your name --- don't get used to it!) for everything through 2008 much of 2009 but especially last Thursday. I am a lucky guy...