Friday, November 27, 2009

A New Beginning

For the first time ever tonight, I was angry. No reason behind it, I was pissed. I sobbed uncontrollably, yelled, punched, kicked and basically just wailed. It was the first time I was angry and it just came out of nowhere while I was watching a rerun from 3 or 4 weeks ago of House. I don't know why, it started around 1:00 AM and it's just now subsiding at 1:52 AM. I dont' get it, I haven't been angry for so long and all of a sudden I go from honestly sobbing and wailing out loud uncontrollably to being mad. I'm not mad at Hope, I'm not mad at God (I get accused of that all the time which I've blogged about), I didn't have a bad Thanksgiving, and yet I'm still angry all of a sudden. I walked out to the road in my boxers and just stared at the stars. It's cold outside for the first time in a while and I didn't give a shit. Before I could even get back into the house in the middle of my driveway I doubled over and just started sobbing again. What the fuck is up with me??? I'm pissed at me, feeling like shit, want someone to make things better.

I cannot get hold of my emotions and normally I'm good at that. I can't rationalize what I'm doing, saying feeling, you name it. I feel sick to my stomach but I'm fine, I want to punch something but don't, I don't want to drink or eat anything, I just want to feel better. I don't know what would do that. It's cold outside but I won't close the door next to me. I want someone to come by and rescue me, but I don't know what I need. I want to call someone but don't know who to call. If I did call someone I don't know what to say. I feel like I'm being tortured for someone's amusement.

I know I'm so lucky. I have so many loved ones in my life. I have great friends and family. The boys make every moment worthwhile. What the fuck happened tonight?!? I can't explain it as it's a first for me. I feel much better now after typing this, my breathing has slowed, anger has ceased, and now I feel a little more like me again. Now I kind of feel stupid and don't want to post this. Why did I start typing my blog when I was at my worst? Do I want to share, am I just looking for sympathy, will this scare away anyone interested in me, am I finally just going through a normal phase that I normaly should have sooner? WTF??? No one will probably ever read this. One year ago today I think I realized Hope was not going to make it. Maybe this is just normal grieving after so much time.

I'm not sure what to think right now. I want to call someone and talk but I'm just not sure who that should be and it's now 2 AM. Not because of the time but because of the subject matter. All I want is for my boys and me to be truly happy again. I keep thinking I'm close and then something like this happens. Maybe I just need some sleep, maybe I just need a woman, maybe I just need more time, maybe it's some combo I haven't figured out yet. The sleep is way behind, the rest I need to work on too. I'm not going to publish this until morning, because I'm just not sure about it. I've never edited my thoughts on the blog, maybe this will be the first in the morning.

8 AM now and I feel fine. I'm not sure even with some distance now what happened to me last night. I feel better now and I think that's because of what happened. I'm going to UF to watch FSU probbaly get blasted with some friends and no kiddos today and I'm really looking forward to that. I'll miss my boys, but they're in the best of hands looking forward to their play time with others. My mom hasn't been feeling herself for a little while and I think she doesn't let on to how badly she's really feeling. I worry about her but like she's done for me respect her space and privacy when she seems to want that.

Monday is Hope's birthday, the boys and I have some special plans that does not include them going to school. They dont' know it yet, just that I have a surprise for them. Between the massage crying and last night, I think it's extreme healing for me. Still not sure if I'll post this, it's just me trying to feel better when I couldn't really talk to anyone. Not that I think that would have helped last night either. I don't know, it was so intense, just me and my feelings, anger for the first time. The feeling is completely gone, no anger at all this morning except wishing I got a little more sleep last night. Go NOLES, maybe Bobby and my boys can shock the world and make Urban and Tebow cry and wail.

I think I just figured it out, it was delayed response from something that happened earlier in the night. Last night before I left my Mom's house she was not feeling well and laid down. I went in and talked to her for a while. It was deja vu, she was laying in the exact same bed as Hope last year when I think I realized for the first time she was not going to live. I remember my Aunt Nancy in and out of the room a lot just like last night. I must have just had flashbacks from the worst weekend of my life last year. Now exactly one year later my mom is laying in the exact same place and way Hope did. I'm powerless again, willing to do anything to take the pain and discomfort away but not able do anything. I don't know why I didn't think about that sooner. That makes sense, and I feel even better now. I think I really needed that last night, and maybe the anger was just frustration in being powerless. You always want to be the superdad or superspouse or superson that can take on the world and for most of my adult life (many would argue against me even becoming an adult yet and they have a good point) I have been able to do so. Wow, I really feel better now. That had to be it.

Man this blog thing is really doing the trick. My psycho tells me all the time how great it is. She said I started healing long before Hope even passed by doing it and always feeling whatever was hitting me at the moment. Anyone that reads knows I let it all out when it hits, especially in front of the kids. They need to see that and be able to express themsevles the same way. I think they do and that's part of the reason they are doing so well. I feel like I have a new beginning this morning, a fresh start only 1 year out from knowing for the first time I was going to lose my wife. I think I am going to post this one, I think the readership has fallen off anyway and even some of my best friends and family tell me they can't read it anymore. It was never for anyone else but me and hopefully one day something the boys will be interested in. The day after Thanksgiving I feel like I have so much more to be thankful for then I did yesterday. I love you Mom, feel better and know I'm here as much or as little as you need me to be. Truly, THANKS!


AnnMarie said...

still reading.....hang in there. xoxoxox

Jenny said...

Still reading in Alabama! :)

Life is beautiful... Mostly said...

Still reading all the way in South Texas...

Happy Thanksgiving!!!


AMB's mom said...

Jake, still reading, think of you and the boys often. It will get better. Enjoy the game.

Anonymous said...

Still reading up here in NY. Sending you & the boys much love.....xoxo


rach said...

still reading, too!
seems like you realized what caused the anger...i think it is normal to have those emotions. no one can be expected to have it all together all the time...especially after everything you have been through.

Daddy-O said...

Thanks for being angry for me. I wasn't looking forward to this weekend for multiple reasons, many of which I'm sure you also had.

As for the blogs, I wouldn't really call it reading, more like torture for my eyeballs. But don't worry, I will continue to torture myself if in the long run it helps you feel popular.

Hope you enjoyed watching St. Boobies last regular season game. Sorry it was a beat down in the Swamp, but at least you can say you were there!

Take care, stay strong and keep up the faith (there's still the Pat's to cheer for!) and keep up the blogging.

Anonymous said...

They say anger is a step in the healing process. No one says when that anger has to occur. If you have not experienced it before now, then this was it and you are certainly healing. It will get better. Don't give up. You are pretty good at analyzing your outbursts...I think you are exactly right with what triggered it. Regardless, it was an emotion that needed to be felt, and dealt with. Not sure why, but I am still reading as well. It seems like you have more that are following you than you realize. The most important thing is that it is helping you to heal. My best friend told me I should get a journal and write in it anytime I felt down or depressed, or even angry. She said it was healing. I never started the journal, but just writing to my friends helps. You can often say things more clearly in writing than you can verbalize. Hang in there. You are doing fine.

Jennifer P said...

Still reading here... just don't always comment. Love you!

Myra said...

Jake, I think this has been a very difficult time for all of us. Hope's birthday was hard.
I was hoping you and the boys would be able to find something to help you through all of this. Love to all and keep on writing.

I think Hope was with me the other night too.

Trish Scholer LeBouef said...

Still reading in Louisiana... I ran across an old Christmas card from you all this past week as we were finishing up the tree. It had the cuttest picture of little Nate on it. It was a double whammy, it made me smile to see him so cute and little and it also made me miss Hope. Sending you all big hugs this Holiday especially - hang in there! Trish

Anonymous said...

Wow You are amazing. I just want to share that I think maybe the anger has been the one part of this you have been afraid to let out. You have told us so many times that you're not angry. Somewhere in there you were. The anxiety over relaxing for the massage and then this cathartic event...seesm like a lot was bottle up. You have had to be strong for everyone else, hold it together for the boys. What a burden (and I know you won't like that word but it is). Your insight about the incident with your Mom is right on. It was a catalyst for something that needed to burst out (an it did!). We respect you SO much. That doesn't mean we expect you to hold it all together. I repsect you more for letting it out really.
There is another big milestone looming ahead after the New Year I realize. Whatever you need to do, do it. Just experience it and know it will pass. Know we all love you and would handle any middle of the night call you needed to make anytime. Wishing you peace.