Ignore it and maybe it will go away

I haven't blogged about my cancer recurrence since my initial post. My hope was that if I didn't make a big deal out of it, it wouldn't BE a big deal. Plus, I feel cancer has taken up too much of my time already, why would I give it a platform once again?

The truth, I'm consumed in this nightmare of a moment and just want to find my way out. I feel like I'm being stalked. How can it be that for the last three years I thought I was cancer free, but I wasn't? How can it be that a little known cancer of the tongue could find it's way to my non-smoking, non drinking, non tobacco chewing tongue? How is it that I could live 29 healthy, uneventful years only to be plague by cells that kill people for the last 6 years? I know it doesn't make any sense to ask these questions because frankly it's likely I'll never get the answers, but I'm consumed in them.

I want to be boring again, blog about the fact that my three year old got in trouble for picking his nose in school after being asked to stop, or the fact that Obama is coming to FL in one week and I want to be there. Instead, I'm wondering through the day chasing the depression, fear and grief away with drugs and yet they still stalk me.

I had an appointment with a head and neck cancer specialist yesterday in Tampa. I hoped for the best, feared the worse and walked away with the unknown still lingering. The plan, I have a PET (whole body) scan and CT of the head and neck scheduled for tomorrow. They will review the pathology of my recent surgery to see if the margins were VERY clear. Apparently with tongue tumors clear margins have to be larger than most other tumors. The likelihood is that I'll need more surgery to remove more tongue and replace what is removed with skin from my arm to restore function. Then I guess based on how that goes I may have to have more radiation and more chemo. I think I can handle more surgery it's the radiation and chemo that scare the shit out of me. Please God, let surgery make me better so I don't have to endure more life saving poison.

I'm scared and sad. I know I'll find the funny and positive somewhere in all of this eventually, but I'm just not there yet. I just want to shake the "cancer girl" reputation I feel I have and be well so I can take care of Nathan and Reese and watch them grow into handsome, loving men. Is that to much to ask? Don't I deserve that?

Fuck you cancer!

Another Reeseism

First you have to understand that since Reese was potty trained over a year ago we haven't been able to get him to hold his penis up so he doesn't pee on the toilet, he refuses to touch himself...........

Reese running up to me completely naked today: "Mommy, Mommy! I started to pee on the seat and I picked my penis up like this (as she showed me what he did)! And I didn't pee on the seat!

We all cheered and passed around HI-5's.

I want a weapon.........?

Yesterday while at the book store Reese says to me, "Mommy, I want a weapon. Nicholas at school has a weapon." I soon realize it's not a weapon he wants, but a WEBKIN! Cracked me up!

And he woke up this morning, noticed Nathan's dirty t-ball uniform on the floor and told Nathan he needed to pick up his litter! Looks like I have another earth friendly child!

Foot Therapy And Our Garden

After a little retail therapy, I headed to real therapy. As I'm waiting for my appointment I notice the guy next to me has the smallest male foot I have ever seen. I wonder if that's why he's in therapy? And yes, I actually took out my camera and pretended to mess around with it so I could get a picture of his foot....... that's my huge flip-flop foot next to his!

Our garden! It's really coming along.

Ahhhh......I found a little bit of normal

For Jen

For Jen P., love ya girl and thinking about you today...thinking about us.

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.-- Harry Crews

I have a couple of girlfriends who are like, healing. We take care of each other. They know when I need to be taken care of.-- Maggie Gyllenhaal

A Tough Week

Just over a week ago I had surgery to remove more cancer from my tongue. I went from pissed off, sad, to that question I know makes no sense to ask... Why? Because frankly if I knew why cancer kept creeping into my body I assure you I would stop doing it. Cold turkey.

Never before have I relied on medication to get me through a rough patch, but I called in the troops this time, Xanax and Zoloft are my best friends. It's 1:30pm and I haven't cried yet today.

Poor Jake. How in the world does he put up with me? The man is a saint.

I don't want to be all dramatic because there is a good chance surgery took care of my problem. I'll know in a couple of weeks. Until then, I'm thinking happy thoughts and I hope you'll think some for me too.

And if you are looking for a creative weight loss plan....tongue surgery should do it.